CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.
Desiree never needed help from anyone. Desiree was strong, reserved. She had this shell that she kept the world out with.
And this is what happens when you let the world in.
Huddled on her couch, she felt like she couldn’t move a muscle. All the weariness of the world had descended on her. It was like the air had turned to honey, and she was straining to breathe.
Her life was a complete shambles. All the structures and barriers she put in place were broken. She felt small and vulnerable. She felt betrayed by Jack, but also understood why he had left her there. She wanted to call him, to beg him to forgive her. But she also wanted to shout at him until she was hoarse, tell him what a horrible person he was, leaving a fellow human being at the exact time they found out their parent was dying of cancer.
She wanted to call her mother, have her tell her that no, she wasn’t dying. Aaron got it wrong. She was fine. Desiree wanted to hug her as tight as she could, and never let her go. She wanted to shake her, to shout at her that a loving parent would call their children with that kind of news. But she also felt overwhelming guilt, that her mother was going through this terrible illness, and she hadn’t even known about it, because of her own stupid pride.
She wanted to rewind, to erase the past day and the previous evening. It was all a nightmare. A horrible, cruel nightmare.
But the nightmare was real. Desiree was alone and lost. She simply had no idea how to go forward from here. So she sat, curled up on her couch, safe in its familiar embrace, and just wished herself anywhere but here. She had given up crying hours ago. Probably because all her tears were spent.
When the phone rang, she answered it on remote. It was Lydia, needing to talk to her and Pen. Desiree agreed to meet them at Greens, and, feeling a bit like a zombie, she got herself out the door, in the car, and over to the café. A little voice in her head said that it would do her good to see her friends. After all, they had been her lifeline more than once, when she hadn’t been able to rely on her family. She felt the first stirrings of hope as she walked into the familiar muddle of the café, spying out her friends.
Lydia wanted to talk to them about the ongoing saga that was her life, and more importantly, her new boyfriend, Tad, who seemed to be doing everything he could to push every single one of Lydia’s warning buttons. And while Desiree had no desire whatsoever to listen to her friend’s angst, she still did.
That’s what best friends do, right? They are there for each other.
And while Desiree’s own problems swirled around and around in her head, muddling up everything that was being said, she figured that the gist of the problem was that the amazing Tad was a bit of a mamma’s boy, and Lydia didn’t like it. Desiree could understand that. She would definitely flick off a guy who was still tied to the apron strings.
Lydia was trying not to cry.
Sounds like everyone is holding back the tears lately.
“I told Tad not to call me again, unless he was prepared to put me first.”
“That sounds reasonable.” Desiree tried hard to focus on what Lydia was saying.
“But he hasn’t called.”
“Do you want him to?” Desiree smiled wanly as Pen moved closer to Lydia and nudged her. Lydia put her mug down, leaning back on the couch and putting her head against Penny’s arm. Penny put her arms around Lydia. It was such a Penny thing to do.
“I don’t know, really,” Lydia said, still staring off into the distance. “I don’t know. There’s something wrong, I just can’t put my finger on it.”
“Is it a fixable something wrong?” Desiree desperately wanted to tell her to send him on his way, but she thought Lydia was way too fixated on him to want to be told that.
“I don’t know,” Lydia said again, and Desiree winced as her tone got higher.
“When things are going good, it’s awesome. I feel like I can rely on him. But as soon as there’s a hiccup, he retreats, and turns into this egotistical, thoughtless dickhead. Something is definitely wrong.”
Desiree decided not to pull her punches any longer. “Or he’s actually a gutless wonder, and you should wash your hands of him. If he won’t defend you Lyddie, you should probably give him the big heave ho.”
To Desiree’s immense irritation, Lydia argued the point. “But I think there’s something behind it,” Lydia said, frustration written on her face. “I’ve seen him with people. People trust him. They like him. If he was weaselly, they wouldn’t react to him like that.” She wriggled into an upright position beside Penny who took her hand.
“If your heart is telling you to give him another chance, maybe you should listen?”
“I’m not sure my heart is the best place to look for a decision on this, Pen. My relationship record speaks for itself, surely?”
“Why? Just because things haven’t worked out for you before, doesn’t mean they won’t this time.” Desiree thought Penny sounded desperate, like she knew she was losing the argument.
“Or, I could make another hideous mistake, and end up with yet another notch in my not-girlfriend-material belt.”
Oh god Lydia tell me you’re not going to trot out the list of previous boyfriends again?
Lydia drank a mouthful of her latte, which, Desiree surmised, would be mostly cold by now. She was proven right.
“Yuck.” Lydia grimaced. “We should get out of here. It was cool when we were uni students and everything was new. But it’s had its day, hasn’t it? It’s old and faded.”
“Seriously?” Desiree sat up straight on her couch. This would have to be some of the best news she had heard all year. “Brilliant. Well, there’s a great new place in Subi we could go to…”
“I don’t think now is a great time to make a decision like that, do you, Desiree,” interrupted Penny, throwing a look at her that was a mix of fury and exasperation, and Desiree sat back in a huff.
We should strike while the iron’s hot, Pen. Otherwise you know we’re going to be stuck here for the rest of our days.
Lydia didn’t seem to notice their conversation at all. She continued talking, as if to herself. “It’s old and faded. Like me. Maybe it was me. Maybe I’m too staid and boring for him.”
“Listen, you might be the quiet one of the three of us, but you are certainly not staid and boring,” Penny said severely, breaking into Lydia’s thoughts. Desiree was surprised. She didn’t think Lydia was the quietest one of them. She was the most self-absorbed, the most prissy, the most precious. Then again, when she considered it, in terms of life excitement, Lydia probably was the quietest.
So what does that make Penny? The social one? And what about you? Maybe the broken one?
“Yeah? What do I do apart from work? Oh, that’s right, I stay in and solder little pieces of metal together. Hardly riveting company.”
Desiree snorted a laugh at Lydia’s remark - which was funny because Lydia sculpted in metal - then looked to each of her friends as she received a blank stare from both of them. “It’s funny, right? She’s talking about soldering, then riveting. Because rivets you use with metal…?” Both Lydia and Penny still looked confused. “Oh, forget I said anything.”
“You’re interesting,” Penny said to Lydia, turning away from Desiree. “And you do plenty of other stuff. You come here, with us. And sometimes by yourself.”
“If I want to read. It’s hardly exciting stuff.”
“You go running in the morning.”
“But I hate it.”
“You went out to dinner with Tad the other night.”
“Yeah, and before that, I hadn’t been out anywhere in ages. No, I think I’d better just own it. I’m getting old and boring.”
“For goodness sake, Lydia.” Penny’s loud exclamation made the people around them whip around to look at her. Her eyes flashed and Desiree’s mouth dropped open. Penny didn’t get mad. Ever.
“Will you stop putting yourself down? It’s driving me crazy. Why, I’d kill to be you. Your life, your art, your curves? I would steal all of them off you if you gave me the opportunity. And now Tad as well? A rich, hot businessman? And what do we get from you? Bitching and wingeing. ‘There’s something wrong with Tad. His mother hates me. Maybe I’m old and boring’. Well, fuck, Lyddie, if you are old and boring, I must be just about dead and buried.”
Taking a breath, Penny blushed as if she only just realized the tirade she had unleashed. Looking down at her hands, she said, “At least that’s what I think.”
Desiree laughed loudly, making her way around the table and plonking down next to Penny to give her a hug. “You’re my hero, Pen. You know that?” She turned to Lydia. “Take that, del Castro. It’s not very often you get a Penny put down. But you just got one. And my opinion? Baby, you deserved it.” She laughed again, hugging Penny, who was still silent and looking at her hands, but with a little smile on her face.
Lydia frowned. “I was not bitching and wingeing. That’s what friends are for, isn’t it? To hear when I need to vent?”
“Yeah, but it’s a two-way street, Lydia. It’s not all about you.” Desiree let go of Penny, and sat up straight, the smile receding from her face. “You’re pretty selfish about our friendship time. Lately, it’s been pretty much exclusively dedicated to you.”
“It has not.”
“It has, Lyddie.” Desiree was satisfied to see Penny nod in agreement. “Go back and think about the last couple of weeks.”
“Yeah, but that’s only a couple of weeks.”
“Well, the last couple of months then.”
“Fine,” Lydia said, her voice turning cold. “I’ll stop talking about myself.”
Oh for fuck’s sake, Lydia, grow up.
“Awesome,” Desiree said, matching Lydia’s chilly tone. “Maybe the other two of us can get a word in now.”
“We didn’t mean that you stop talking, Lydia,” Penny said, starting to explain, but Lydia wouldn’t allow it.
“Oh, no, you can’t take it back now.”
“We had no intention of it,” Desiree said, stretching back catlike against the couch cushions.
“Shut up Desiree. And for god’s sake, will you stop slutting it up?”
Desiree jerked as if she had been slapped. “What the fuck? I’m stretching.”
“You’re pushing your tits out so all the little hipster boys in here can have themselves a hard on at your expense.”
“You are pushing your luck, del Castro.” Desiree was certainly not in the mood to be on the receiving end of one of Lydia’s tongue lashings. She hoped that the scorn she pushed into her voice and expression might make Lydia think twice about starting an argument.
“At least you think they’re having a hard on. In actual fact, they think you’re a has been, and they laugh behind their mocchachino’s at you.”
“Okay, that’s it.” Desiree swung to her feet, fists balled at her sides. “I’m getting out of here before I slap you, Lydia. You know, you should be more grateful for me and Pen. We’ve spent years listening to your bullshit. But no, as soon as it’s not about Lydia any more, you turn into a total bitch. And I don’t know about you, Pen, but I’m not going to sit here and be insulted by Little Miss Neurotic there.”
Desiree shook with anger. She picked up her bag and strode out of the café without looking back at her friends. She would call Pen later, when she had calmed down. So much for her friends being there for her.
She can just go fuck herself. I don’t need her.
With Desiree’s angry stalking pace, she reached Trudy in the parking lot very quickly. She stepped inside the little car before leaning on the steering wheel and bursting into tears.