CHAPTER TWENTY.
It concerned Jack just how easy it was to bundle Desiree into his car and take her back to his house. She seemed to have shrunk into the shell of the woman he knew - going through the motions of doing things, but without emotion, or even really understanding what was going on. He had asked her to get an overnight bag together; he had joined her in her room ten minutes later to see how she was doing only to find her standing in her room, looking at nothing. He had to pack the bag himself, asking Desiree if this or that item was what she wanted, and encountering her heartbreaking blank stare with each question.
Bringing her back to his house was the only option he could think of - Marissa would be leaving at eight and she had some kind of dance lessons to go to, so Jack couldn’t ask her to stay. He hoped that the kids wouldn’t bother Desiree too much - they were always excited when new people came to the house, especially the boys. He suspected Faith would know what had happened, and she might be relied on to help him out with caring for broken, fragile Desiree. Then again, he didn’t know how his daughter would respond to the death of one of her schoolmates, so he might be stuck with two grieving women. Until he got home, he wouldn’t be able to properly gauge the situation.
He put the radio on in the car going home, the newsreader was going over the important things that had happened that day. When they got to the end, Desiree humphed. It was the first sound she had made since she stopped crying, and Jack’s head whipped around to her.
“What’s that?”
“I was just thinking - one kid who has killed themselves isn’t important enough for the news, is it? What does that say about us?” Her voice was flat, but Jack was relieved that she was speaking again.
“It happens so often, it’s not really news anymore I’m afraid.”
“Maybe it should be news.” Desiree seemed to reflect for a moment. “Perhaps there should be a daily tally or something. You know, on Monday the 27th, 24 children killed themselves.” Her voice ebbed away.
“What good would that do?”
“People might actually understand.”
“Would they? When they tell you that a hundred people were killed in a bombin’ in Afghanistan, does that really register with you?”
“I guess not. But if they were to say that every day, or even offer a cumulative total, maybe people would listen.”
“Maybe. Though I think people are so caught up in their own lives, humanity as a whole doesn’t really concern them, until it touches them personally.”
“Doesn’t that make us heartless?”
“No, I don’t reckon so. I reckon if we particularly thought about all the terrible things that happen each day in the world, we’d drive ourselves crazy. I think we shelter ourselves from them as much as we can, so we can pretend life isn’t as fragile as all that.”
Silent tears slipped down Desiree’s face, and Jack reached over to wipe those he could. “Hey.”
Desiree turned to face him. “I wish I could shelter myself from this, Jack. It’s torture.”
There was nothing he could say, so he took her hand and kissed it.
Arriving home, Jack was relieved that the house was quiet and that the kids weren’t fighting. He opened the front door, and led Desiree into the family room. It was the first time she had been in his house, and he felt a little disappointed that she didn’t seem interested in looking around. Then he rebuked himself. Now was not the time.
Leaving her seated on the couch, he went into the kitchen, where everyone was eating dinner.
“Dad!” The boys flung themselves at him, and Faith and Marissa smiled at him from their places around the table.
“You’re home early,” Marissa commented. “Do you want dinner?”
“Thanks. But not right now. I need to talk to y’all for a moment.” He took a chair at the table as the boys went back to their food, their eyes on Jack even as they took large mouthfuls of macaroni cheese.
“My friend, Miss Jackson, Desiree, is in there in the family room.”
Faith’s mouth fell open, her expression suddenly concerned. Jack nodded at her and she jumped up from the table and disappeared into the family room.
To Marissa, he said, “They had a student suicide yesterday. She’s takin’ it really hard.”
“Poor thing.” Marissa’s voice was a whisper. “Should I get her something to eat?” Jack smiled. Marissa’s Italian background meant that whenever anything was wrong, she figured the way to overcome it was to throw food at it. “Thanks, but just something light for her. I doubt she could keep mac and cheese down.”
“And you?”
“I’ll have the macaroni.”
Jack had thought the boys weren’t listening, but just then, Danny piped up. “Desiree is a friend of mine.” Jack was surprised. He wasn’t sure the boys would remember Desiree.
“Mine too.” Tommy spoke through a mouthful of macaroni and Jack smiled.
“Okay, but you little guys need to remember that she doesn’t feel very well.”
“Can we play with her?”
“I tell you what. If you want to play with her, you need to ask her first. If she says no, you have to make sure you leave her alone, alright?”
“I hope she says yes.” Danny spoke very seriously to Tommy, who nodded, equally as seriously. “But if not, we need to leave her alone. She doesn’t feel well.”
Jack’s smile widened. He loved his sons more than he could express. He suddenly wondered how he would feel if one of them were to take the step that Nathan did. The smile wiped from his face. It made his stomach churn to think that either of them could ever be sad enough that they didn’t think life was worth living any more. He resolved to always listen to them, and to listen out for them.
Marissa broke into his thoughts, talking to the boys. “If you guys are finished, you can put your bowls in the dishwasher and then go into the family room. I’ll bring dessert in there.”
“Yay! Dessert!” Danny clambered off his chair and put his bowl, which was still half full of macaroni, into the dishwasher. Luckily, he put it in upright, so the macaroni stayed in the bowl.
Tommy took his last few mouthfuls quickly, then did the same. His bowl, however, was almost spotless. Jack smiled again at this difference between his boys. Daniel had always been a picky eater. Thomas never was.
As the boys scampered into the family room, Jack took Danny’s bowl out of the dishwasher, and moved next to Marissa at the sink, where he emptied the pasta into the bin and rinsed the bowl.
She rewarded him with a smile. “Thanks for that. I forgot to mention it.” She frowned for a moment. “You know I can’t stick around tonight, right?”
Jack nodded. “Yeah, I know. I didn’t expect you to.”
Marissa shook her head. “It’s nasty. I’d hate to be a teacher. You’d spend hours wondering what you could have done, if there had been signs you didn’t see, if you’d given the kid a fifty-five on a test instead of a forty-five if that would have made any difference, that kind of thing.” The microwave beeped and Marissa grabbed a tea towel to get a steaming bowl of macaroni out that she handed to Jack. She also gave him a plate of salad with fresh bread and feta for Desiree. “Should I come in?”
“Sure, absolutely. You’re part of the family. I’m sure Desiree would like to meet you.”
“In a minute when I’ve finished clearing up in here.”
Jack walked through to the family room, thanking his lucky stars for Marissa. She was a gem when it came to nannies. So easy to get along with, and the boys loved her. And Faith, after their talk the other week, was warming to her, even if she still complained that Marissa treated her like a little kid.
On reaching the family room, Jack found Desiree surrounded by the two boys, both of them leaning on her with their eyes glued to a movie. Desiree had an arm draped around each of them, and a small smile on her face. Faith sat at her feet, her arms leaning on Desiree’s knees, looking up earnestly into Desiree’s face. The two of them were talking softly.
Jack’s heart swelled in pride at the sight. Desiree turned her head to look at him, and her smile widened.
Just at that moment, Tommy nudged her. “Desiree, this is where the boy meets the dragon. You have to watch.” He stuck a thumb in his mouth.
“Okay, Tom. I’m watching.” She said to Jack, “We’re watching the dragon movie.” There was a sparkle in her eye that Jack was inordinately pleased to see.
“Well, in that case, I’d better keep quiet.” He sat on a single armchair to the left, where he could look at the kids and Desiree.
Faith got up. “It’s not like they haven’t seen it a hundred times before.” The boys shushed her, and Faith, Desiree and Jack all smiled. In a quieter voice, Faith said, “I should go do my homework.”
“Marissa’s bringing dessert in here in a minute. You might want to wait.”
Faith plopped back down. “Well, in that case…”
Dessert was chocolate cheesecake, and the kids devoured it quicker than even Jack expected they would. Marissa sat with them for half an hour, talking to Desiree about various light topics. Jack could see that Desiree appreciated the effort Marissa was taking, and she joined in the conversation as best she could. So did Faith, until she remembered her homework, and jumped up to go to her room.
As the evening grew a little later, Marissa took the boys’ hands and helped them off the couch. Their eyes were heavy, but they still protested having to go to bed. “I want to stay here with Desiree.” “Me too.”
“It’s bedtime, boys. You can see Desiree tomorrow.” Marissa flushed and glanced at Jack and he realised she had assumed that Desiree would be staying. He gave her a tiny shrug and a smile.
Jack and Desiree watched in silence as the boys were nudged out of the room, still grumbling. Once it was quiet, Jack shifted over to sit beside Desiree, who immediately put her head on his shoulder. He draped an arm across the back of the seat and dropped a kiss on her hair. “Tired?”
“Exhausted. But so glad you brought me here.”
“I was afraid the boys might be too much to handle.”
“They were just the medicine I needed.” She sat up and faced Jack. “Thank you for taking care of me, Jack. I’m not sure I would have survived the evening.”
“Sure you would.” He pulled her back down into his arms. “You’re Desiree. You’re tough, and self-sufficient…”
“And scared and kind of, I don’t know, stalled.” She moved in a bit closer. “Just having the boys snuggle up next to me was enough to get me started again.”
“I’m glad. You being stalled is somethin’ I never really want to see again.”
“I’m still only just kicking over,” she said, with a warning tone in her voice. “I could stall again. I still feel totally lost and so guilty.”
“Don’t.” Jack took her hand and sat her up so she would have to look him in the eye. “It’s a hard road back from blame, darlin’, especially misplaced blame.”
“But is it misplaced? What if I could have done more?” The haunted look from before returned to Desiree’s gaze. Jack shook his head sadly, and pulled her closer.
“That’s the thing. You’ll never know for certain. But you have to get used to thinkin’ you did all you could, instead of thinkin’ what else you could have done. Because I’m sure you did all you could.”
Desiree nodded from somewhere under his chin. “I thought I had. But the system…”
“We all know the system sometimes lets people down. If you’ve pushed as far through the system as you could go, that’s as much as you could do.”
Desiree was silent for a moment. “He did tell the co-ordinator that he was grateful I was trying to help.”
“See?”
“I just wish I could have done more.” She ended the words on a sigh.
“We all do, Des. All of us wonder if some small gesture on our part could have made the difference.”
“He had the world in front of him.” Her words were a whisper, and Jack could hear the unshed tears in her voice.
“He was an amazingly talented kid. Don’t they say that about creative people? That they’re more likely to get depressed?”
“Old wives tales. They’re no more susceptible than anyone else.”
He held her close as he unseeingly watched the end of the dragon movie, and thought about how he would approach asking her to stay the night. He desperately wanted her to stay with him, so he could comfort her if she woke in the night, but he realised too that she might not be comfortable. The spare bedroom was made up just in case.
“Des? If you want to go home you can, but I’d prefer if you stayed?” He chuckled inwardly at the garbled question.
“I kind of thought I’d like to stay here with you.” She looked up at him, dark eyes wet with tears. “If that’s okay?”
He leaned down and kissed her gently. “That’s just fine.”
“But Jack? I’m not sure that I’ll be up for any… you know…”
“That’s alright darlin’. So long as I get to hold you, that’s fine.”
She snuggled down in his arms and to his surprise, moments later, by the sound of her regular breathing, she was asleep.
He chuckled, leaned down to breathe in the scent of her, and then easily lifted her in his arms and off to bed.