CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN.
The roaring in Desiree’s head that had started the moment she left Jack’s place settled down to more of a background hum as she downed her third coffee.
“That’s probably enough caffeine, don’t you think Des?”
Penny watched her from the other side of her kitchen, her voice sympathetic, but her eyes bright with concern. Desiree had called her as soon as the sun had risen over the horizon. She knew Penny jogged most mornings, but Penny had instantly given up her run to come over when Desiree had called her and told her Jack’s wife was back, and she and Jack had broken up.
Desiree was insanely grateful to her friend. She didn’t think she could manage the quiet and loneliness of her place by herself. Not after the constant humming of Jack’s place. People left their echoes, and even when the kids were asleep, she could still feel their warm, comforting presence all over Jack’s house.
Here, back at her own house, everything was cold and silent. She hadn’t been back for a few days, and a slight mustiness had overtaken the house in her absence. The house felt sad and wistful, as if it mourned the loss of people moving about in it. Desiree knew how it felt.
“It’s okay to drink coffee. It’s good for your heart. And god knows, my heart needs some help right now.” Her voice hitched, and she felt tears start to form in her eyes.
“Oh, Des.” Penny came across the kitchen, around the table and folded Desiree into a hug. For a moment, Desiree stood still, unresponsive and stiff, trying to recollect past-Desiree, no nonsense, no bullshit Desiree. Then she crumpled, hanging off Penny and sobbing like her heart would break.
“He lied to me, Pen. More than once. And now she’s back and they’ll get back together and I’ll be alone. She’s welcome to him, the lying, cheating fucker.”
Penny pulled back, alarmed, and blinked in Desiree’s face. “He cheated on you?” she gasped, horrified.
“No.” Desiree allowed herself a small smile. “He cheated on his wife, though, and didn’t think it was important enough to tell me about.”
Penny let out a hiss through her teeth. “He knew how important that kind of thing is to you?”
“Yeah. I told him about my Dad early on.”
“Maybe that’s why he didn’t tell you.” Penny’s eyebrows raised as she thought. “Maybe he was afraid of how you’d react.”
“So not only is he a liar and a cheat, he’s a gutless wonder as well?” Desiree’s top lip curled in derision.
“Don’t judge him too harshly just yet, Des,” counseled Penny, picking up her own coffee and taking a sip. “It’s early days. You’re still in shock, still processing what all this means.”
“Damn right I’m in shock. Why can’t people just be open and honest with each other? It’s really not that hard to do. I had to do it.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and picked up her coffee cup. Finding it empty, she put the cup under the spout of her coffee machine and pressed the start button. Somehow the warm tendrils of coffee-scented air were soothing.
“It can be pretty hard to do. Especially if you know the other person isn’t going to like what you tell them.” For a fleeting moment, Desiree thought she saw a tragic expression cross Penny’s face, but it was gone again in an instant.
“Perhaps. But if it’s something as important as this, surely he could have just hardened the fuck up and come straight out with it?”
“Maybe,” mused Penny.
“Definitely,” insisted Desiree.
Penny took another deliberate swallow of her coffee. “Okay, so where does all this leave you?”
A sigh escaped Desiree, worn and tired. “I don’t know.”
“Do you want to get back together with him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Is he getting back with his wife?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do the kids think about it all?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t…” Did she love him? Really, that went right to the crux of the matter. If she loved him, she might be able to forgive. If she loved him, she might fight to keep him.
Did she love him?
Desiree dug deep, deeper than she ever remembered. She recalled little things about Jack – his chivalry, his caring, his restraint. She remembered enjoying his company and being able to just be with him. That was nothing she’d ever had before. Then she remembered their last night together, the mind blowing sex. No, it wasn’t the sex itself. It was the intimacy, the feeling of becoming one, one heart, one body.
She remembered how she had changed for the better from knowing Jack. How she crawled out from inside her shell and opened herself up to Jack in ways she didn’t even know she could. How she had started thinking about being a mother to his kids. And, by extension, a wife to him.
She knew without a doubt that he would support her through whatever she wanted to do with her life, that he would cherish her and protect her as much as he could, but that he would also share his experiences and his passions and his life with her.
She loved him.
Desiree knew her friend could see from her face the moment that it dawned on her. A wide smile broke out over Penny’s countenance. “You do love him.”
“Yes.” It was a strange, new feeling, tempered by the knowledge that they were currently not together. “Yes, I do.”
“So what are you going to do?”
She frowned. “It’s not all about love, Pen. I have to be able to trust him as well. And he’s going to have to pull out something pretty special for that to happen.” She stared gloomily into her coffee. “Just my luck to fall in love with someone like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like my Dad. Like a cheater and a liar.” She glanced up at Penny. “I would never have expected it of him. Not in a million years.”
“Perhaps he has changed since then.”
“So, not a cheat, but still a liar?”
“Well, only a liar by omission,” retorted Penny. “He didn’t lie so much as just not tell you something.”
“It’s the same thing, Pen.”
“No it’s not.” Penny put her mug down. “You did it to him too - you wouldn’t have told him about Steve at all if he hadn’t stumbled over the knowledge. It’s not lying. It’s just… saving the other person from hurt.”
Desiree considered this.
“I don’t know. It’s pretty easy for him to say that. How can he prove it?”
“Relationships have to be built on trust.” Penny nodded, agreeing with Desiree, and inadvertently adding fuel to Desiree’s argument.
“Yes, and I’m not sure I can trust him anymore.” Desiree scrubbed at her tired face and smiled at Penny. “I’m too exhausted to even think about this. My mind just keeps going round and round in circles.”
Penny returned the smile, and patted her arm. “Maybe you should get some sleep. Maybe this whole thing will look much better when you’ve had some rest.”
“You know what Pen? I really don’t think it will.”