CHAPTER THIRTY.
Jack checked his watch for the third time, and felt the sweat trickle down his back. It was winter in Perth, but the pale sunshine still streamed through the window at Stimulatte. But it wasn’t heat from the sun that was making him sweat. He was waiting for Desiree.
The weekend crowd at the sunny café created a pleasant murmur of conversation over and above the other noises of the traffic and birds in the trees. Jack hadn’t been to Stimulatte before, but when he had rung Desiree, she had suggested it. He had agreed with alacrity, happy to agree to almost anything to get to see her.
Now, he was here, and she was late.
The waiter brought a bottle of water and a single glass.
“There’ll be someone else,” Jack said, and the waiter gave him a tight smile.
He probably hears that all the time, and the guys just sit here by themselves and get more and more miserable as their dates don’t show up.
“Hello. Sorry I’m late, the traffic was awful and I couldn’t find a park.”
Jack stood up, drinking in the sight and scent of her. Desiree looked amazing – beautiful, yes, but also so much more assured than Jack felt.
As she took her seat and he sat back down, Jack picked up a single rose from the table and held it out to her. “This is for you.” When he bought the rose he thought it would be a lovely, romantic gesture, but now that she was sitting there, right in front of him, it seemed a bit trite and ridiculous, like he was trying to be the Bachelor or something. He felt heat suffuse his face.
Desiree smiled tightly. “Thank you, Jack, it’s lovely.” She put the rose aside, and turned her amazing emerald eyes on him. The dark circles under her eyes and the paleness of her complexion concerned him. He hoped that he would be able to answer the question lurking in her beautiful green eyes.
He took her hand and took a deep breath, preparing to launch into his speech when the waiter bustled back up to the table, second glass in hand and said, “What can I get you?”
Jack flung a murderous look at the waiter, who returned his gaze placidly.
“I’ll have a cappuccino, please.” Desiree didn’t seem to notice their silent war.
“I’ll take a flat white coffee, thanks.”
The waiter nodded and walked away. Desiree lifted her head, and Jack was nearly undone by the sparkle of amusement in her eyes. So, she did notice.
“Maybe we could try that again?” Jack took Desiree’s hand again. “Okay, so first up, I want to apologize. For basically bein’ dumber than dirt.”
“Fair enough.” The upward inflection in her words made it clear she expected him to say more.
“I know I’ve damaged your trust in me, and I can never be sorry enough for doin’ that. Of all people, you’re the one I want to trust me the most.”
She nodded slightly, but waited for his next words.
“I’m fixin’ to rebuild that trust with you, Des. I promise.”
Her eyes fell to her lap, then lifted to his face. She was scowling. “Why didn’t you just tell me? You know, maybe like when I told you about Steve? That would’ve been the perfect time.” She was sarcastic, but Jack realised he deserved it.
“I know. I chickened out. And I chickened out a few other times as well. But you know why, right?”
“Why?” Her big eyes fixed on his face again.
“Because I never wanted to do anythin’ that might mean I could lose you.”
She smiled wryly. “So by doing nothing you lost me anyway.”
“I know. Ironic, right?” He was buoyed by her half-laugh. “I haven’t truly lost you, have I?” He heard the pleading in his own voice, but kept her gaze as he lifted her hand to his lips and placed a tender kiss on it.
“No, you haven’t lost me, but you have a hell of a lot of making up to do.” She gently pulled her hand away and gave him a firm smile, which didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Okay, so she wasn’t going to go easy on him.
The date was a rollercoaster of emotions as Desiree grilled Jack relentlessly about his marriage and how it failed. He answered as honestly as he could, understanding that any holding back on his behalf would be interpreted as choosing to keep Desiree in the dark - and he knew if she felt that, he would never overcome her objections.
As it was, Jack could see Desiree relaxing more and more as she delved deeper and deeper into his personal life. But when they spoke about his affairs, Jack was dismayed to find Desiree’s walls came crashing back down. He desperately tried to explain away the circumstances of each of them, knowing they didn’t place him in a good light, but trying to make Desiree understand what led to each of them and why he did it.
Desiree didn’t seem to be buying it.
“How can you sit there and tell me you won’t do it again?” Her eyes were flinty emerald, her face a mask of distrust.
“Because I’m different. I’ve changed.”
“Have you? Because what I’m hearing is that the last three times things got hard, your response was to find comfort in someone else’s arms.”
“Desiree.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand again. She tried to pull it away, refusing to look him in the face, but he held on until she stopped tugging. “I won’t have any need to cheat. All I need is you.”
“You say that now, but what about when we disagree on something? Or I decide to do something you don’t approve of?” Her derisive tone bit deep.
“Our relationship is nothing like mine and Susan. We didn’t seem to be able to support each other, but you and I are different. I’m going into this one knowing exactly what I’m getting into.”
“Are you? Because right now, I’m not sure I know you at all.”
Jack stroked the back of her hand with one long finger. “Talk to me Desiree,” he said quietly. “What’s the problem? I don’t know why you’ve pulled away from me, and I desperately want to.”
He saw the shine of tears in her eyes, but her voice was hard. “You sound exactly like my Dad did, every time he came home after one of his escapades. He always told my mum what she had done to make it happen, and that it really didn’t mean anything, because he was married to her and loved her. And my mum took him back over and over again, until one day my brother was old enough to tell my Dad to fuck off and not come back. I don’t want to be a carbon copy of my mother, waiting around for a man who doesn’t love me. And I don’t want to be with a man who is a carbon copy of my father.”
“I’m not, Des, I promise I’m not. I’ll never cheat on you. Never.”
“But how can I be sure?” All the hurt, all the pain of her whisper stabbed him to the core. He pulled a small packet out of his pocket and placed it on the table, sliding it silently over to Desiree’s side.
“This is not the best time for presents, Jack,” she said, but he shushed her, and directed her attention back to the packet.
She sighed and opened it quickly. It contained three charms for her bracelet - a silver heart, a pair of crossed fingers in gold with a ribbon tied around them, and a pair of enameled black and white dice.
“What’s this all about?” she asked suspiciously.
Jack picked up the heart, his fingers shaking. He had to do this right. He had to. Everyone’s happiness was resting on this. He took a deep breath, looked into her eyes, and started talking.
“I know your bracelet is all about little reminders of your life. So these three? Will remind you and me about us.”
A tiny frown crossed her brow, but she nodded. Jack pressed on.
“This heart? It’s mine. And it beats only for you Des.” He considered for a moment. “And the kids. But mostly you.”
She smiled a little. He took that as a good sign, and rushed on to the next charm.
“This one, the fingers? Is to remind me of what I’ll lose if I do it again. Believe me, Des, I doubt I’ll ever need the reminder, but it’s there, right on your wrist if you need to shove it in my face.”
Her interest was piqued. “Alright.” She slowly removed her bracelet and affixed the two charms, giving it a shake to make sure they wouldn’t fall off.
Jack gritted his teeth and drank the last of his coffee, waiting for her next move.
“And this one?” she finally asked, holding up the tiny pair of dice.
“Well,” he said, coloring a little. “Those are my balls that you have my permission to remove if I do anything to hurt you.” A sheepish grin crossed his face. “Those were the closest I could get to balls.”
She let out a spurt of laughter, which turned into a sigh.
“So?” he said, his voice hopeful. “What do you say?”
She looked from the charms into his face and said softly, “I actually will remove your balls if you hurt me again, you know that right?”
“I know.”
She took a sip of her now cold coffee and grimaced. “We should have gone to Greens.”
He was silent, impatient for her answer, but clamping his jaw. He knew Desiree had to do this in her own time.
She nodded slowly. “Alright Jack,” she said, looking into his eyes. “Let’s try this thing again.”
Jack almost let out a whoop of joy as he sprung up from the table to kiss her.