Current Day

Smooth, Jocelyn. Real smooth. Not only could I not formulate a coherent sentence, but the sauce smudged on my face highlights the type of year I’ve had—messy. So much for keeping the upper hand around that man. My gaze strays to Jax’s retreating backside as he joins his teammate, AJ. With a small grunt, I pull what dignity I have left and head toward the kitchen. I need to get as far away from him as I can.

I ignore the magnitude of flutters playing havoc with my senses. They’re totally normal. I mean, who wouldn’t be attracted to the guy? A person would have to be dead inside. But giving us another go? Oh, hell to the no. Not happening.

Jax lost any chance of a relationship between us the day I saw his lips on another woman. Yep, I’m stronger than this. Ten years have passed. I’ve been married and divorced. I’m certainly over him. Way over him. Which is why I’m so pissed at myself for sputtering like an idiot. Of course, Jax is arrogant enough to take that as an invitation.

Knowing full well he’d be here, I had mentally prepared myself. We’d managed to avoid each other this long, but I was going to be cordial. Congratulate him on a series well played. Make some small talk. But damn. His deep, rich eyes reverted me into the girl I was freshman year—that naive girl enamored by his charm.

Aggravated, I yank the sliding screen too hard and knock it off its track.

Fucking great.

This evening can’t get any better. I align the door on the tracks and make the proper adjustments. Once satisfied with my handyman skills, I pull the phone from my front jeans pocket and check the time. Seven o’clock. Still too early to call the kids.

With a sigh, I head straight to the kitchen and place the cell on the granite ledge. Carl doesn’t like me to call my kids when they’re with him. “All it does is make them miss you, which causes me to have a hard time sleeping,” he says. Frankly, I don’t give a shit about his nocturnal habits, nor his demands. He lost my respect the day he stuck his dick inside his coworker. Or, I should say, the day I found out about it. God, if he hadn’t gotten shot, I would’ve never known. It’s pretty sad when a random shooting works to my advantage, but that is the reality of my crappy life.

Frustrated, I whip out my party to-do list and mentally check things off.

“There you are.” Lacey’s voice rings through the spacious kitchen as I line the serving tray with lemon-filled cupcakes.

“Thought I’d restock and then call the kids.” I toss a smile at my best friend, but I feel anything but happy. Though I should be grateful. Tonight’s the closest I’ve reached any positive emotions for a long time. Preparing this meal has kept my mind occupied, and being away from New York—away from my lonely house—helps. Everything was going great until Jax showed up and reminded me how I can’t hold on to any man.

“I can get these; go on and make your call.”

“Nah, I still have a few more minutes.”

“Thanks so much for your help today.” Lacey stands beside me and gives me a quick squeeze. “I couldn’t have pulled this party off without you.”

“You know it’s my thing.” I attempt to laugh, but it falls flat.

Lacey nudges my shoulder. “Good thing because we all know catering isn’t my forte.”

“You’re a good cook.”

“Yeah, but not on this scale.” She helps gather a handful of cupcakes. “Sooo, I saw you talking to Jax.”

“Yup.” My stomach tightens from her playful inflection, and this conversation just took a nosedive.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me you two dated? I know it was before we became friends, but even in college, when Zach and I dated, you never said a word.”

Lacey tries to sound casual, but I hear the hurtful undertone in her voice. I tamp down my guilt. I’m surprised she hasn’t mentioned him before now. It’s not like I never thought about telling her, but I can’t bring myself to talk about him. It hurts too much. What hurts the most is admitting my part in the blame game. Back in college, all I wanted to do was forget that we dated. Besides, Carl was insanely jealous of him. It never mattered where we were, if Jax showed up, Carl’s possessive side grew tenfold.

“There’s not much to tell, other than we were both immature. Carl and I started dating shortly after Jax and I split, so I never gave him another thought.” I avert my gaze and focus on lining the tray with the goodies. Lies. That’s what I’ve resorted to.

“Somehow I don’t believe that. I saw the way you two looked at each other.”

I blow out a breath. Of course, my best friend sees through me. “Jax and I didn’t end on good terms. I forced myself to forget about him.”

That’s all I say, not delving too deep. The look on her face screams she wants the inside scoop, but being the good friend, she must sense my wariness because she doesn’t press.

“I’ll tell you about it someday, but this party’s a celebration, not a pity party for my bad choices in men.” I attempt another smile, but her pursed lips tell me she doesn’t buy my bullshit.

“Your feelings will always come first. This has been a rough year for you.”

The guilt burrows deeper, but I’ve never discussed my relationship with Jax with anyone. We broke up right before Christmas break our freshman year. I tried convincing myself it was nothing more than a simple fling, but my heart tells a different tale. I glance at my naked finger that used to house my wedding band and bite back a sigh. I have made some poor choices, including breaking up with Jax.

“I’ll be fine. It’s just, seeing him again, I’m flooded with so many memories. Good and bad.”

She places her hand on my arm. “I’m always around to talk when you’re ready.”

“I know.”

“I’ll take these out, so you can call your kids.” She lifts the tray of cupcakes with a grin that stretches across her face. “You know these are awesome, right?”

“Thanks.” My appreciative laugh sounds off as I open the sliding glass door for her, but she doesn’t call me out on it. The cool air rushes in and I shiver. I turn the other way and grab my cell on the way to the guest room. Not paying attention, I unlock my phone when a loud ahem halts me in place. I snap my head up to the six-foot-two gentleman leaning against the entrance to the living room.

Jax.

With hands tucked into his side pockets, he stands there, staring at me, and I swear, I feel his intensity clear to my spine, tingling places that don’t need attention. At least by him. There’s an air of confidence about him as if he’s above his good looks: the stubble peppering his chin, the soft ebony hair my fingers ache to weave through, and those ripped abs I know exist under the layers of fabric. The man is the true definition of walking sex-on-a-stick. What did his teammate say about that girl? She oozes sex? The same can be said about Jax. No wonder he’s a player. I guarantee this mother of three doesn’t have time to be another notch on his bedpost. Again. Technically, I’m near the top of that very long pole. My stomach flips at the thought of how many he’s added after me.

Jax pushes off the frame and stalks toward me.

“Leaving?” I ask, hope inflecting my tone. The corners of his lips dip down as a flicker of hurt deepens his dark brown eyes. How can that be? He doesn’t care about me. Not really. If he had, then he would’ve fought for me. There’s no reason for this guilt to tug at my conscience.

“Yeah, I need to take care of a few things before heading to New York.” He stops inches away, his breath tickling my face.

Quivers pulsate in my stomach again. I’m not sure if it’s from his proximity or the fact he’s visiting my city. It shouldn’t matter. It’s not like I’ll run into him. There’s a lot of real estate in New York City.

Sweet baby Jesus, I haven’t fretted this much about seeing him since Zach and Lacey’s wedding.

The one he never showed up for.

While driving to the church, Jax found out his parents were in a wreck. The wedding almost got postponed, but he insisted Zach and Lacey go ahead as planned. “They waited long enough for this day,” he said. Fortunately, AJ, the team’s starting catcher, could fit into the tux and stood in his place. While the wedding worked out, the same couldn’t be said for Jax’s parents. They both perished that night. He mourned his parents’ deaths alone, while his friends celebrated their nuptials into the morning hours. That has never sat well with me. I shift my weight, uncomfortable with my sudden empathy.

“H-h-how long will you be in town for?” I stammer.

“I’m not sure. At least a week. Maybe two.”

I nod. Apparently, I still can’t formulate sentences. But in my defense, his body is rather close, making it difficult to breathe.

“So, after we broke up, you never gave me another thought, huh?”

My jaw drops, and my response gets lodged in my throat. He overheard my lies to Lacey.

When it becomes apparent I’m not going to respond, he runs his hand along my jaw.

“I want you to know you meant a lot to me regardless of what you think I did. I’ve always valued what we shared.”

“It didn’t seem that way.” My heart hammers against my chest, and I can feel the warmth rise to my cheeks. My face has to be flushed.

“I know. I was an idiot.”

“Yeah, you were.” I may agree with him, but I’m not entirely innocent.

“But I was also good for you.” He crosses his arms and raises his chin slightly. “I pushed you into trying new things, Miss I-don’t-like-adventure.”

“What? I like adventures.”

“How soon one forgets about all the whining.” His amused smile fuels the heat flushing through my body.

“What? There wasn’t any whining!”

“Oh yeah? What about the time we went rock wall climbing?”

Our first date.

“You mean the time you insulted me. Called me a weakling.”

“I did no such thing.”

He so did. “You said my lack of arm strength was because I was weak and had bad form.” I tilt my head to the side and lift an eyebrow. “I hardly consider that a compliment.”

His chuckle comes light and easy. “Your memories are fuzzy. I had total faith in you.”

“Oh, I remember. You told the worker I was a class five and wanted to do the flying squirrel. It’s a good thing I didn’t listen.”

“But I seem to recall you fell anyway.”

“You caught me, though.”

“That’s because I’m awesome.”

Then why couldn’t you hold on to me? This is a dangerous line of memories I have no desire revisiting.

“I think the ropes and harness had more to do with that, but whatever.” My tone shifts to a serious one. “That was a fun time even though my arms were rubber the next day.”

Jax’s grin stretches wide, and as he mouths “weakling,” I catch a glimpse of the guy who originally stole my heart. Something stirs inside me, and I come close to blurting the words I don’t hate you. What I told Lacey was a lie. I really did care. Still do. But I can’t bring myself to tell the truth. I remain strong, stubborn, while the silence stretches between us.

A few moments tick by before his gaze drifts to the metal clock hanging beside the sliding door. He sighs, and I barely have time to register what he’s doing when he pulls me into a hug. My head says to back away, fight him off, but my body betrays me and melts right against his firm, solid chest. Even through the layers of clothing, this still feels good. Maybe it’s been too long since I’ve felt a man’s touch, but I hope there’s enough padding between us to prevent him from feeling my heart race.

“I’ll be in touch.” Jax’s deep voice vibrates against my ear. I’m left standing, stunned as he releases me and backs away. I’ll be in touch. I don’t acknowledge his words, nor do I question how. Jax never asked for my phone number, and I doubt he knows it. Trying to figure out if he’s serious isn’t the only puzzle needing to be solved. My insides have come alive for the first time in over a year, and I need to figure out how to stop it before I make another bad choice.