Current Day

This is a fucking awful idea. The realization hits me the moment we enter Nana’s room and her eyes land on Jocelyn. She lights up like the fans at Citizens Bank Park after Zach threw the winning ground ball that made us World Series Champions. Nana’s going to read more into my bringing a girl to visit than what this really means. Although the reason I brought her is still unclear. I certainly could’ve brought the dessert myself. But I do want Nana to meet her. I wasn’t lying when I told Jocelyn that Nana may be on borrowed time. With both parents gone, I would like one family member to meet the only girl I actually like.

“Who is this lovely lady, Jaxon?” Nana rises to a sitting position. I don’t miss the grimace of pain the simple movement causes. Nana’s mind may be strong, but her body is wearing out. It fucking kills me.

“Nana, this is Jocelyn Kennedy.” I turn to Jocelyn, who’s gripping the cake container so tightly her knuckles are white. Breathe, sweetheart, breathe. I place my hand on the small of her back for reassurance. “Jocelyn, this is my grandma, Iris Danchev.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Danchev.”

“Pish-posh. Call me Nana.”

The tension Jocelyn holds seems to break, and she steps farther into the room, passing the cake to me. “Jax brought you a surprise. Happy Birthday.”

“At my age, you’d rather forget about birthdays.” Her playful tone isn’t fooling me. Nana loves when I remember her birthday. “What do we have here?”

I set the container on her bedside table and lift the white plastic lid off, revealing the beautiful biskvitena. Jocelyn really outdid herself. Nana’s eyes swell as she takes in the Bulgarian dessert. I glance over at Jocelyn, and my chest cracks at the sight of her eying Nana with the same glossy expression. Fucking awful idea.

Jocelyn’s hair sits piled in a messy bun with tendrils framing her face. Pink gloss coats her lips. Lips I remember being soft and plump and so damn kissable. Our time together was short and forever ago, but the feel of her body against mine has never left. I pull myself away and refocus on Nana, whose gaze locks on mine. I squirm as her eyes flick to Jocelyn and then back to me. The corners of her mouth lift into a knowing smirk, and I hope beyond all measure Jocelyn doesn’t take notice.

“Thanks so much for this,” Nana says as if knowing I need a reprieve. “Did you make this, my dear?”

“I did. I hope it measures up to yours. Jax tells me you are quite the cook.”

“Oh, many moons ago. It’s been a while now. Let’s try this. Jaxon, go get some plates.”

“Now, now. You have to wait. No spoiling your dinner.”

Nana laughs. Growing up, I spent many days over at Nana and Papa’s house. Dessert was a staple in her household, but she never allowed me to eat any early for fear of spoiling my dinner. She used that excuse all the time. I was a growing boy; I could eat twenty-four-seven and never get full.

“Let’s get to it then, shall we?” Her determination causes me to laugh. “My roommate’s already in the cafeteria. I’ll let her know about the dessert later.”

“Sure, Nana.” I grab her wheelchair and help her get situated. I’m not a big fan of nursing home food and make a mental promise to take Jocelyn to a better establishment.

During lunch, I take a back seat to Nana and Jocelyn’s conversation. I watch with fascination how Jocelyn explains the new job she starts on Monday. Her eyes light up as they discuss various recipes and cooking techniques. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were lifelong friends. A funny stirring develops in my stomach as I watch them with awe.

Sadness creeps through the cracks of my armor. This protection I’ve shielded myself with ever since the girl who’s charming the socks off my grandma walked away from me. The endless parade of girls I’ve been through dances through my thoughts. This pact to not get involved with anyone ever again was pure genius. Or so I thought. Now, watching Nana converse with Jocelyn, I realize what I missed out on. Not only have I denied myself, but I also denied my family. Nana. My parents. Now it’s too late. Why didn’t I fight harder for her? She clearly likes me more than that tool Carl. I could’ve won her back.

“Let’s get back to the room and eat some of that delicious-looking cake.” Nana catches my eyes as I pull them away from Jocelyn. I don’t say a word as I grab the wheelchair handles. Jocelyn walks a few steps ahead, and Nana pats me on the back of my hand, her silent way of telling me she approves.

Once we’re back to the room, Jocelyn slices the cake and serves each of us a piece. Nana sinks her mouth in for a bite, and her appreciative moan makes scouring the entire city worth it.

“Aw, honey, this is great. I never thought I’d taste this ever again. Of all the Bulgarian dishes I made, this was my favorite.”

“It was Jax’s idea. I was just the means of delivery.” Same Jocelyn. Never taking credit. “You made this plenty, huh?”

“Ah, yeah. Seems so long ago. When I met Naydem, he was new to the country and missing his homeland. It took a while, but I finally found some recipes and made him an authentic Bulgarian meal.” She pauses and smiles. “You know, the true way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. He was mine from that point on.”

She’s glossing over their relationship as she always does when she reflects. But I see it, the tiny spot of disappointment showing in her eyes. No matter how long ago, the hurt from my grandfather’s actions still flickers behind her gaze. It fucking guts me.

I was nine years old when Nana found out Papa had cheated on her. She was crushed. I remember going over to their house and seeing Nana cry. Nana never cried. She was strong and loving. I wondered where Papa was and why he wasn’t there for her. To protect her. Papa always told me it was a man’s job to protect women. So, I didn’t understand why he wasn’t there for her.

Dad wouldn’t tell me anything, and Mom was so angry all she did was grunt and mumble. It wasn’t until I overheard them talking that I understood what Papa did. Then I became angry. Nana was my world. I was nine. I couldn’t understand how he could do that to the best person on the planet. I still don’t today.

One day after school, I walked down to Nana’s house, and there he was—the traitor who made Nana cry. She forgave him that day but never spoke of it again. At least not around me. It took me a long time to warm up to Papa. One day, he took me to the side and said, “Son, I know you’re angry with me, and you have every right to be, but I love your grandma. I hope you realize how much I really do. I only hope if you’re ever faced with temptation, you’ll be a stronger man than me.”

Turns out, not so much. I may not be a cheater, but I’m not very strong at keeping the temptation at bay.

“There’s a hint of an accent. Where are you from originally?” Nana’s question mimics mine from years ago. Although when I asked it, her accent was much heavier. New York has definitely beat it out of her through the years.

“Bowling View, North Carolina.”

“Aw, pretty countryside.”

“The best.” Jocelyn’s mouth curves into a smile as her eyes take on a faraway look. “The green hills and open spaces. I miss it so much. I don’t visit nearly enough.”

“I spent a summer near Delano back in the sixties. Didn’t want to leave.”

“Delano’s beautiful countryside. There was a stream on my grandma’s property I always went to when I needed to escape. Living in the city, my kids don’t get to experience nature the way I did. Our backyard is a joke compared to what I had growing up. Heck, their swing set is practically against the fence.” Jocelyn sighs. “I fear they’re missing out.”

“You have kids?” Nana shifts her gaze to me, her expression unreadable.

“Yes, three actually. A set of twins who are five, and a two-year-old girl.”

“Sounds like a handful.”

“They are, especially since the divorce, but I manage.”

Nana’s lips tighten. I know that look. It’s a look of a thousand questions formulating in that curious mind of hers.

“It’s been over a year since her divorce, so Jocelyn’s well accustomed,” I say before Nana asks too many questions, like the reason behind their divorce. Then I steer the conversation back to a safer topic. “The kids don’t get to see your parents?”

“Not often enough. My parents visit about twice a year, but my ex never liked to travel.” She lets out a huff, and I hate the guy a little more. Traveling was one of the main things she wanted to do. How could he deny her that? “I haven’t ventured out on my own yet.”

“You should take them,” Nana says. “I think they’d enjoy that.”

“It’s on my to-do list.” With a mischievous sparkle in her eye, Jocelyn slips me a knowing look. I suppress my grin, but nothing slips past Nana. Her stare all but burns the side of my face. But even with two women eying me, my thoughts go to line item number five and how I’d like an encore.

“It seems like you’ve known each other a while.” Nana directs her question to Jocelyn but shoots me a you-will-explain-later look.

“We have actually. We dated for a short time back in college, but we also have mutual friends.”

“You know, Zach and Lacey,” I say.

“Aw, yes.” Nana offers me a bemused smile before turning to Jocelyn. “Tell me, honey. What did my bonehead grandson do, since you’re not together anymore?”

My stomach lurches as a dusting of hurt coats Jocelyn’s brown eyes before she blinks and turns back to Nana. If she tells her version of the story, Nana will be so disappointed with me. In Nana’s eyes, I do no wrong. Although she did just call me a bonehead, so she suspects something, but she still sees me as a saint. That’s so far removed from the truth, it’s not even funny. But I never cheated in the capacity Jocelyn’s thinking. It’s just… I’m not as innocent as I’d like to be.

Ten years have passed and the consequences of my actions during Thanksgiving weekend haunt me today as they did back then. A huge misunderstanding that led to years of regret. And trust me, the regret of what could have been is very real.

I’m not ready to face Nana’s disappointment. Hell, I’m disappointed in myself for the both of us. My jaw clenches as Nana’s question—the equivalent of gasoline vapors—creeps inside my chest and wraps around my heart. The combustible spark? That will be Jocelyn’s answer, the ugly truth exposing my indiscretion. My weakest point that changed everything.  

JAX

December, Ten Years Prior

Two words stop me midstride as Zach’s text flashes across my screen. Code Red. What the hell does that even mean? My heart ticks faster. Had coach said something to him after I left practice? I mean, I did tip the scale to the shitty side with my suck-ass performance, but I didn’t think there was cause for alarm.

My gaze scans across the manicured lawn to the bench where Jocelyn and I agreed to meet. In my haste to see her, perhaps I missed something important. Fuck, she’ll be here any minute. I don’t have time for his cryptic shit.

Since I’m vying for a starter position, I hope I didn’t fuck my chances. I open the message box to type a reply when a soft pair of hands slide across my eyes from behind. I squeeze my eyes shut and slip the phone back to my front pocket as the words “guess who” tickle my ear. This is new. I play along, keeping my eyes shut, as she slips in front of me and stakes claim to my mouth. I’m still riding the high from last night, still basking in the afterglow of having Jocelyn for the first time. The truth behind my ability to not focus during practice today. She consumes all my thoughts. I keep picturing her beautiful naked body lying beneath me. Her creamy, flushed skin after her climax. Jesus, I can’t wait to have her again.

She’s still all I can think of, even standing here kissing her. I thrust my tongue deeper into her mouth and inch my fingers down her body. But something is wrong. Very wrong. Her body is shorter, a little curvier. And this mouth, although familiar, seems foreign.

Every muscle stiffens as the realization of whose mouth I’m groping sinks in. I jerk my head away and fling my eyes open, confirming my worst fear. My ex. Standing in front of me. Her lips wet from our kiss. Son of a—

“Wow, nice greeting,” Lauren says, a little flustered. “Much better than over Thanksgiving break.”

My mouth parts as my reply sticks in my throat. What the hell did I just do? I step back to create the much-needed distance, but this only makes Lauren lean closer. Damn it, I knew going to that party over Thanksgiving break was a bad idea. Afraid she’s gearing up to kiss me again, I place my hands on her shoulders to stop her forward progression. “Lauren, why are you—”

“Don’t be shy now. You certainly weren’t a couple weeks ago.”

A small gasp sounds in the distance. Much like the sound I heard at the frat party. My gaze sweeps past Lauren’s shoulders and lands on a pair of watchful brown eyes that are both stunned and horrified. No. No. No.

As if my eye contact was her fuel to move, she pivots and stalks away.

“Jocelyn, wait.” I drop my hands from Lauren for the second time and race toward the girl currently owning my heart.

“Hey.” Lauren’s words ring behind me. “Where are you going?”

I ignore her. Why the fuck is she even here? I don’t have time to dwell on it since my only concern right now is Jocelyn. Whose legs have suddenly turned her into Speedy Gonzales. I have to make this right.

“Jocelyn, please stop.” I pick up my pace to catch her.

“Go away, Jax.” The hitch in her voice shreds my insides, but she needs to know this wasn’t what it appeared to be. Again. Fuck, I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me.

“Please, listen. This is just a misunderstanding. It’s not what it looks like.”

She spins to face me. With her chin raised, she takes a deep breath.

“Think I’ve heard that before, Jax.” Her eyes glisten with unshed tears, but her voice remains strong.

“Seriously, it’s not at all what it looked like.”

“No? Because it looked like you had your tongue down that girl’s throat.”

I run my hand through my hair and shake my head. “No—”

She lets out an exasperated laugh. “Really?”

“Really, I thought she was you.”

“Jaxie, what’s going on? Who the hell is this?”

I stiffen as the nickname Lauren used for years slices through the air. At the time, I thought it was cute; now it’s borderline grating.

“Lauren, please give me a few minutes.” Although the words are meant for Lauren, my gaze stays locked on Jocelyn.

Jocelyn’s eyes darken to charcoal as she straightens her stance, but Lauren doesn’t leave. She hasn’t even budged.

“I don’t understand. I drove over here because I thought you wanted to get back together.”

That causes us both to turn and look at her.

“Why would you think? No, don’t answer that. Just go to my dorm and wait for me. We’ll talk in a few minutes.”

“What the hell, Jaxon? I didn’t drive all the way over here for you to blow me off.”

Jocelyn’s huff splits the air, and she starts to leave. Panic rises in my chest.

“Lauren”—my hands clench at my sides as I grit my teeth—“I’ll explain later. Just give me a few minutes.”

She points her finger at my chest. “You better have not led me on.”

“Go!” Not giving Lauren time to say anything else, I take off after Jocelyn.

“Was I just a joke to you? Something fun to pass the time?” Jocelyn’s voice is quiet, and it breaks my heart.

“What? No!” I grab her arm to make her stop. “How can you think that? This is just a misunderstanding.”

“For who, Jax? Me or your ex-girlfriend? Seems we’re both confused.” Her hand gestures to the area where Lauren was standing and then lands on her hip. “And what? Your lips accidentally fell on her?”

Her raised voice causes a few people to gather nearby. I scowl at them, but only a few leave.

“My practice was shit, and when Zach texted right before this happened, I thought the coach may have said something. I was distracted, and my head was in baseball.” I step closer hoping to shield her red splotchy face from the onlookers. “I know it’s not an excuse, but when Lauren whispered ‘guess who,’ I swear to God, I thought she was you. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Really?” Jocelyn shakes her head and starts walking again. “Does that even sound like something I would say?”

No. Not at all. In fact, if I think about it, the voice doesn’t even match. Jesus H. Christ, I’m an idiot. “I was expecting you, so I didn’t even think. I just reacted.”

She halts and turns to eye me. Relief hits as I think she’s finally going to listen to reason. I mean, she has to, right? I didn’t do anything wrong.

“That may excuse what happened a few minutes ago, but what about what she said?”

My eyebrows knit in confusion, which, judging by her acidic scowl, is the wrong reaction. Lauren spouted out many things, but none that I paid attention to.

“Think, Jax. I heard her say you weren’t shy over break. What did she mean by that?”

I grunt in frustration as the guilt over Thanksgiving weekend rushes in. I step to close the remaining distance, but Jocelyn must detect the change in my demeanor and holds up her hand in protest.

“Stop, don’t even answer because I don’t want to know.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Yeah? Clearly, I’m not the only one to think it means more since your ex-girlfriend drove all the way here to ‘get back together’ with you.”

As she throws Lauren’s words back at me, I stand there dumbfounded. My legs are pinned to the sidewalk as my brain scrambles for how to correct this. I wait too long because she apparently has had enough.

“Save it.” She starts to take off again, and my pulse quickens. I can’t lose her like this, but I’m not sure she’ll understand when she’s this angry and hurt.

“Jocelyn, listen.”

“No, Jaxie, you listen. It doesn’t matter whether you did something or not. At this point, I’ll always wonder what’s coming next, and I refuse to live like that. My trust in you is gone.”

I cringe at my nickname, but her words deliver a punch straight to the core.

“If you just let me explain. I—”

“Answer me this. Right before you fucked me, what did you mean by ‘I don’t deserve you?’”

Fuck my Goddamn guilty conscience. And the kicker is, I didn’t do anything. Not really. But that’s the problem—not doing anything. I have no idea how to explain Lauren’s and my situation. We dated for two years in high school. When she arrived at the same party and made advances at me, I should have put a stop to it. But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She was having a tough time adjusting to her school, and I was her sounding board. When she leaned next to me, I should have said I had a girlfriend. But I didn’t. Instead, I draped my arm around her, like I’ve done for the past two years, and continued to toss back beers. When I drove her home, and we were alone in the car, and Lauren said she wanted to get back together and reached across to kiss me, I definitely should have mentioned Jocelyn. Again, I failed. I prevented her from kissing me though, and I thought she understood that this meant I wasn’t interested. Especially when I didn’t try to kiss her when I walked her to her door to make sure she got inside safely.

“That’s what I thought,” Jocelyn says at my continued silence. Her pace increases. “I’m so fucking stupid. I thought your moodiness was because you were worried about finals. I should’ve gone with my gut instincts.”

“Jocelyn—”

“No, Jax, I’m sorry, but I can’t be with someone I can’t trust.”

“What do you mean?”

“Consider it strike three. Game over.”

The air escapes from my lungs. This can’t be happening, not over a stupid misunderstanding. I know I messed up twice, but wait... “What was the first strike?”

“You being on the list to begin with. I should’ve known better.”

“Known better?” I spit out.

“It means I should’ve followed my instincts and stayed away. I think the school knew what they were doing when they paired you and Zach together.”

“I’m nothing like Zach.”

“You’re right. Zach has issues committing, but unlike you, he owns up to it.”

“That isn’t true. I’m not afraid to commit.” I don’t know why she keeps comparing me to Zach, but I’ve had enough. It’s getting fucking old.

“Yeah, you could’ve fooled me. It doesn’t matter. I can’t handle this.” She throws her arms in the air and starts to leave.

There’s nothing worse than a fucking cheater, which is what she more or less is calling me. I refuse to be labeled as one.

“You know, if that’s how you feel, then fine. Walk away. This is never going to work if I’m constantly defending myself.”

“Keeping your tongue out of girls’ mouths and explaining you have a girlfriend would help prevent mishaps.”

Ouch. That hurts because I never meant for any of that to happen. But I don’t say anything else. I’m so pissed that this time when she walks away, I let her. After break, when we both have a chance to cool off, I’ll make things right. We’ll talk and work things out. Everything will be okay.

Except it wasn’t.