Chapter Two
Javier nearly drops Aaron in surprise, but instead squeezes his lean lover's firm thighs and stands dead still, not quite sure where to go from here. He may be a bit more…promiscuous than he has been raised to be. He may not always be interested in the past or future of his lovers, or hell, even their names. But he is also big on consent, and conversation. And right now, he's pretty sure that he has to stop, but he is also pretty confused as to why.
Regaining his senses, he gently lowers Aaron so that they are both standing face to face again, and makes sure there is a little space between their bodies. After the heat of Aaron's body against his own, the cool breeze sneaking between the willow branches feels icy cold.
“What's the matter?” Javier asks.
Aaron shakes his head. “I... I really do like you. And I...”
“You can say it,” Javier reassures him. “I will try my best not to judge.”
Aaron nods sternly. “I really do like you. And I really want to...to fuck you.”
Javier nods. That, so far, he likes. But he knows what comes next. “But...” and there's always a 'but', “I'm just not ready for this.”
“If you like me and it feels right, what is it that's telling you that you aren't ready?” Javier asks. “Not that you have to feel ready,” he adds hastily, realizing how he sounded. “I just... I really do like you too. And I would like to know.”
Aaron nods again. “It's...hard to explain. I...”
Javier's eyes widen a little in realization. “Oh, you're a virgin?”
“Don't say it in that tone of voice...and stop smirking,” Aaron replies, blushing bright red.
“Was I?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Sorry.” Javier looks around them. He's never actually been in this situation before. However much as he likes joking about being a “slut,” truth be told he only began being promiscuous in the last two years. He's never been with someone this inexperienced before. And normally he would feel bad, like he was taking advantage of them. But this guy, Aaron, he's different.
Aaron doesn't feel like a short-term fling. Like someone to have a bit of fun with and maybe see in four months’ time for a booty call. Aaron feels like something more intimate, more meaningful. And so Javier finds himself trapped between a rock and a hard place. He doesn't want to take Aaron's innocence, so to speak. But he does want to give him a proper chance at a real relationship. And yet...that can never happen.
“If you don't want to, I'm cool with that,” Javier finally replies. “It's just a bit of fun, and if you want to stop here, we can stop here.” He rests his hand reassuringly on Aaron's shoulder. “You decide how far you go. There will be a lot of guys who will tell you otherwise, but you don't listen to them, okay?”
Aaron laughs. “Stop it,” he replies a bit nervously.
“What? Why?” Javier asks, moving his hand.
“Being so nice!” Aaron laughs nervously again. “You're just making me want to fuck you even more.”
“You say that like wanting to fuck me is a bad thing,” Javier replies.
“Well... Not exactly. I just... I wanted to save it for something special.” Aaron explains. “I know it sounds silly but...it means something to me.”
Javier shakes his head. “No. I'm not gonna lie, I don't get it. But you have to do you.”
Aaron hugs Javier out of the blue. Javier jumps a little in his skin, but still, it feels amazing. This guy... This guy is something special. Something new. Something that matters.
“If you want...though... Maybe we could...” Aaron whispers, fumbling through his words. Javier is tempted to put a little pressure on him, but doesn't. Normally this would annoy him, but from Aaron it's actually kind of adorable. “I was just thinking...perhaps we could... If you wanted to...”
“You've never asked anyone out either, have you?” Javier finally interrupts.
“Not once in my life,” Aaron replies quietly. “Is...that a yes?”
Javier sighs. He feels a pull in his chest. It should be the right thing to do. But it isn't. It never will be. This is just not something that ever can or will happen. “No, it's not.”
Aaron's shoulders slump. “Oh. I just... I thought you liked me.”
“Don't make this harder than it already is,” Javier replies.
“Is it because you're not out yet?” Aaron presses.
“Aaron, let's just not talk about it,” he evades again. This is too much. He thought he had come to terms with never dating but he wants more from this guy. This is the real deal. And turning it down is like a knife to the chest.
“Can I... Can I at least know why? We clicked there, right? I mean...you're feeling this too? You...you came out to meet me. You were cool taking it slow and now—”
“Dude, just... You will not like what I have to say. You can't possibly understand it,” Javier replies. “You're out. Good for you. What are you, like, twenty? How long have you been out? Since you were eighteen? Fifteen? Twelve? It's not that easy for some of us.”
“I just... Maybe we could just date quietly at first? Maybe...maybe...” Aaron trails off a bit, “maybe just at nights or—”
“No. Not just anything. I can't do this. I respected you when you wanted me to back down, now you respect me,” Javier insists.
“Are you saying we can't even...see each other again, though? After today? After this? We connected,” Aaron insists.
“I'm not saying that we can't see each other. But we can't date. We can't be anything.”
“Then I can't sleep with you.”
“Then why are you insisting on sticking around here in a park arguing with a guy you met last night about whether or not he should date you? I said no. Deal with it.” Javier is starting to get frustrated.
“Either of us could walk off,” Aaron whispers. He's looking almost as pissed as Javier is feeling. “I... I'm still standing here because I like you. I want to be with you. You could be the one for me. And I want to try. So why are you still here?”
Javier feels that pull in his chest again. “Because I feel the same damn way! Okay?” He groans a little and runs his hand through his hair a few times. “But my parents, they...”
“Fuck your parents,” Aaron replies.
Javier feels a chill run down his spine. “No, no, no. Don't you even start. You don't understand. You don't know the sacrifices they made for me. When my mother gave me up, my parents were the only people willing to foster me. They were the only ones who wanted the kid with the dark past, the kid who only understood Spanish and was scared of everyone. They took me in, they taught me English and learned Spanish so I could hold onto the last shreds of my culture. They gave me everything they could. And sure, they may be a little set in their ways, a little Bible-thumping, a little strict... But they are my parents, and I will not hurt or disappoint them.”
Aaron looks to one side. “I... I'm sorry.” It's clearly not what he wanted to say. He clearly wants to reply with something bolder, braver, just as fiery as Javier's speech. But he won't. Aaron isn't that sort of a guy. “Are you sure they would mind that much?”
Javier sighs. “No. I suppose it could go either way. But at this stage in my life, right now, those aren't odds I want to play with. I love them and... I don't really know what I would do if I had to face that side of them.”
“I get it. I suppose... you have to do you.” Aaron shrugs.
Javier's eyes meet Aaron's. He knows what Aaron just did. Passive aggressive little brat. They both know Javier is not “doing him.” They both know how much he is giving up to keep his family together. But knowing isn't the same as understanding. “I suppose I'll see you at the club again some time,” Javier says.
“Fine,” Aaron replies.
“Fine,” Javier repeats back. If the kid, and he is acting like a kid, isn't going to be polite to him now, then he won't be polite back. It's a waste of energy. He turns and walks out from under the willow.
On some level he understands Aaron. On some level, he knows it must be confusing for a young man from most likely a more liberal background to see how Javier's life is. After all, his experiences are his own. He is adopted, his foster parents are very traditional Roman Catholics, and, despite all the odds, he truly loves them. Meanwhile Aaron is a few years younger, he has been out for a while, he clearly does not have the same hang ups about himself as Javier does.
And Javier gets that. He accepts it. He doesn't expect someone as...privileged as Aaron to understand that. But what he does expect is some respect. And if Aaron cannot respect him, then, no matter how strong the attraction, they are clearly not meant to be.
Javier finds his car and gets in. For a moment he stares at the steering wheel, wondering whether he should rush back to the park and, in some elaborate display of affection, agree to give Aaron a chance. He takes a deep breath, hits the ignition button, and presses the home button on his navigation system.
***
Walking in through the door he is met with the smell of freshly baked chocolate cake. He drops his keys into the bowl on the sideboard and kicks off his sneakers into a corner of the hallway. On his way into the kitchen, he scoops up the slightly alarmed cat and cuddles her close.
“You get me, Missy. You know what it's like to try and be independent in this world,” he mutters, knowing full well he's being melodramatic. But, he figures, if you can't even vent to your cat, then there's something seriously wrong.
“You okay? Had a good time on your date?” his mother asks as she loads the dishwasher with the mixer parts.
“It was just catching up with a friend, Mom,” Javier sighs.
“So I'm guessing it didn't go well?” she carries on. “I have just the cure. Some fresh cake and cookie dough ice cream. Only, the cake will be another ten minutes in the oven. So your heartache will have to handle itself a while.”
“Mom, —”
“You don't have to lie to me, Javi, I'm not dumb.” She sighs. “It will work out. You'll meet someone eventually.”
“Nah, I like the single life too much,” Javier replies.
His mother shakes her head. “Well... I suppose all I can do is remind you of the scripture at this point?”
Javier smiles. “I do remember, Mom, I really do. I will... I'll read it some more tonight.”
“After you come back from another party?” she says with another slight sigh. “I just want you to... To focus on the more important things. It's not all about working and parties and drinking, you know?”
Javier looks down into Missy’s fur and pets her lightly. “I know. I was actually just thinking of, um, study group again tonight.”
“I won't wait up. But look after yourself.”
***
The music thumping in his ears is drowning out the thoughts in his head. Javier is pretty sure his mother knows that he isn't attending any study groups. She probably grew suspicious when he carried on attending them after graduating. But somehow that slight level of open deception makes it feel a bit better. A bit easier. She knows he has lied to her. And as long as she knows he has lied to her, it is a bit easier to keep the extent of the lie a secret.
She knows he goes out to clubs and gets drunk. She may or may not know he is having casual sex. But as long as she assumes that she knows it all, then she will hopefully never find out that he is gay, that he is going to nightclubs to pick guys up, and that he rarely comes home in the morning without having at least made out with a total stranger in the back of a car. Knowing he has lied to her is a little disappointing, but knowing the full truth could devastate her.
He scans the room, wondering who might be up for some fun tonight. The state of mind he's in right now, he'll take anyone. Anyone at all, so long as he can relax, numb the pain, and move on. Whoever knew that falling for someone could hurt so much? It was barely a day ago that he met Aaron and yet...the guy has made such a strong mark on him.
Javier sighs and heads to the bar, wondering whether he should maybe just order a drink, to help him forget a bit. To help him get over this bizarre feeling.
But as soon as he gets there he sees a familiar face. A soft, young face framed by messy mousy hair, with a pair of bright blue eyes staring right at him.
“Heyyy,” Aaron slurs. “I was wonderin’ when you'd show up.”
“Um, hey,” Javier says. A part of him wants to turn around and leave. But having heard Aaron's voice, having seen the mess he is already in, he can't go. “How are you doing?”
“I'm good, ya know?” Aaron smiles and swallows another shot. “I just got turned down by the only guy I ever felt somethin’ real for but I'm good, it's good.”
“Don't you think you're taking it a bit hard?” Javier replies.
“I know, I know, we met yesterday. But… It's so real, Javier. This is so real,” Aaron carries on, pointing at his shot glass eagerly until the bartender gives him a refill. “This... I... I feel sorry for ya, man. I do.”
“There's nothing to feel sorry about. We hit it off real good. I guess it happens. And it was a first for us both. But we have to move on. Not do...this.” Javier sighs, wondering whether he should call a cab for Aaron and go home. This is just painfully awkward.
“Ya wanna know the good news?” Aaron says, ignoring Javier's comment entirely.
“Um, yeah, sure.”
“I think... I think I'm ready to... you know?” Aaron moves in a little closer and collapses against Javier's shoulder.