Chapter Ten
Rich
“Drugs? I’ve had to spend all week arguing that we do not condone the use of drugs.” Liam dropped yet another newspaper on my lap, showing me the decreasing reputation of Morton. “Why did you even say that? I’ve never seen you touch drugs in your life!”
I didn’t want to tell him I’d said it because Sam chose to interview me last, giving me plenty of time to get drunk after the show, because I couldn’t handle yet another bout of arguing. Quite frankly, it was becoming exhausting. I didn’t have another harsh word in my body. It was all just gone.
I felt like there was nothing left of me.
Of course it was awful and idiotic of me to say those things, most of my interview had been arrogant stupidity. I wasn’t sure what had come over me. I felt terrible for the after effects it was having, but what could I do now? Anything else I said either way would only add fuel to the fire.
“I don’t know, I was giving the public what they want to hear. They want us to be bad boys. That’s how we’ve gotten to where we are.”
“Is that what all of this is about?” Liam pitied me now, I could see it in his eyes. I hated him fiercely for that, but I didn’t have the right words to vocalize that. “You think people expect something of us? They like Morton for the music. The reputation is neither here nor there. Maybe in the beginning we needed to establish a place for ourselves in the market, but that was years ago. Now we’ve all changed, we’ve grown, and our fans like us because of what we put out there. Me, Nick, and Mike all understand that. It seems that the only one who doesn’t is you.” He shook his head and turned his back to me. “Sometimes I think you’ve spent so long becoming a caricature, that you don’t even know who you really are anymore.”
My brain swirled. I couldn’t process any of that. Liam’s words were all too truthful, which I didn’t like to accept. I wasn’t in the mood for cold, hard honesty, which was a shame because Liam was definitely going for the ‘cruel to be kind’ way of thinking. Was he right? I certainly didn’t feel like I knew myself these days…
“Look, Rich, none of us want this to take a bad turn. We all love you. Even now, even after all of this, but if you can’t commit to the band anymore, then… well, maybe you shouldn’t be in it anymore.”
“Morton is mine,” I growled, my worst fear coming true. “You can’t take it away from me.”
“But I thought you were all about a solo career anyway.” Liam shrugged and half smirked at me. “You are bigger than Morton, aren’t you? You don’t need us.”
“Oh, come on, Liam. Don’t be a dick. You know I didn’t mean any of that.”
“So why did you say it?”
I had no answer to that. None that would excuse my behavior anyway. I was acting out because I didn’t know who I was anymore. I’d spent so long being fully confident, knowing exactly where I wanted my life to go, but now I had no idea whatsoever. It was so hard to adjust to this new oddity inside. It was like a monster, continually growing, threatening to consume me with every passing second.
“Look, Rich, it might be a good idea for you to take a time out, to work out what you want in life. We have a break in the tour after tonight anyway, and I know we were supposed to record some new material, but I don’t think…” He stopped and shook his head for a second, as if he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “I think we need to go on hiatus.”
“If we do that it’ll cause an uproar. The fans will go mad, and everyone knows a band isn’t as good when they reunite.” We’d seen it happen, more than once, and I’d always looked on with a smug pride that we would never become that.
Where was that confidence now?
“Well, then we won’t do it publicly.” Liam threw his hands in the air in distress, and for the first time I started to see what I was doing to everyone else. In my mission to self-destruct because I was too afraid to take a chance at life, I was hurting everyone in my path. My vicious new cycle of drinking to block things out, calling Nathan to get absolutely no response, to putting on increasingly crappy shows for the audience, was going nowhere.
Something needed to change, and soon.
“Right, okay,” I muttered, hurt lacing my tone. “If that’s what you want.”
“It isn’t, but I think it’s for the best.”
Liam touched my shoulder, and the warmth that came from that human connection washed over me. I missed him as a friend, all of them actually, and the only way I could even think about getting any of that back was to do as they requested. I didn’t have to like it to do it.
“Look, Rich, I meant what I said,” he told me kindly. “We’re all just worried about you and you won’t talk to us to tell us what’s wrong. Something is fundamentally different within you at the moment, and I think you just need space to sort that out.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. I’d become overwhelmed. That was all it was. It wasn’t an issue I couldn’t overcome, I just needed to finally open myself up. I needed to stop being the Rich Gold the rest of the world wanted to see, and finally start being myself.
“Okay, thanks Liam. I’ll do whatever needs to be done.”
“Great.” The visible relief showed as his shoulders sagged. “All we want is for you to be happy.”
Happy… happy… happy…
How the hell was I going to make myself happy?
I stared up at the ceiling of the tour bus, listening to the rumble of the engine as we moved along the country to some new unknown destination. The red and blue swirling pattern up there no longer provided a familiarity in an ever-changing setting. It trapped me. I’d been locked in a cage for a while, but now Liam had given me the key, and it was up to me to get out.
I loved singing, I enjoyed being in a band, and the good parts of this life were amazing. If I could just find a way to pave over the cracks of the bad parts, then everything would be sweet.
But how did I go about that?
“Knock, knock,” Nick called out cornily, before coming over to join me in my seat with Michael right behind him. “We’ve just spoken to Liam, and he said it’s time for a little break. I guess we just wanted to check that you’re okay?”
I looked at them both in turn, watching their faces soften as they sensed the distress I was in. I didn’t want their pity, it had my walls creeping up all around me, but I forced my head to peek over the top. If there was anyone I could accept looking at me in this way, it was these guys.
“I will be,” I promised them both. “I don’t know how yet, but I promise I will be.”
“Good, because, well… you know, it sucks having things so awkward.”
“Yeah, I think Jenny is about ready to explode,” Michael interjected with a throaty chuckle. “You know she’s never been able to control us and this is too much. She seems all strict and formal to the rest of the world, but we all know she’s a mouse, and I think all of this might be scaring her.”
There was a laugh shared between us all, but it came at a price. I still felt like they were the ones sharing a bond, and I was on the outside looking in. For the first time in my whole damn life, I was the one trying to fit in with the cool kids.
No, that wasn’t right. I absolutely had to change it.
“Right, well it won’t be long until we’re there.” Nick stood up and grinned down at me. “So, I’m going to go and prepare. Good talk, Rich. I look forward to things being… back the way they once were.”
I smiled thinly, knowing that there was no way it would go back to that. Liam was right, I had changed, but that didn’t mean we needed to separate. I just had to find a way to make it work.
I banged my head back against the wall, frustration balling in my chest. Fear trickled up and down my spine, but there was determination there too. There was only one way forward. I could finally see a light in the woodlands, I just needed to decide which path I was going to take.