Chapter Eleven
Nathan
Knock, knock.
I pulled my head out of my laptop where I was scrolling through hundreds and hundreds of job listings, trying to find the one that called out to me. I’d informed Michelle that I was busy today, and it wasn’t like her to disrespect that, so was there any point in bothering to answer the banging? I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted to talk to.
Knock, knock.
I glanced at my watch. It was after eight PM, so if I ignored the person long enough they would likely go away, right?
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Okay, maybe not.
I kicked the chair out from underneath me, sighed loudly, and made my way toward the front door, the entire time my mind spinning with words I wanted to make sense of. Managerial, Logistical, Leader… they all seemed simple enough, but on closer inspection of the job posts it was easy to see that they could mean a million and one different things. It was all about trying to read between the lines, to see what I’d be doing in my potential brand new job. I had to choose right, because getting my career on the right path was the first step in becoming the ‘brand new, happy’ me.
My heart stopped dead in my chest as the door swung open, my mind frozen on one thing. Of all the people I expected to see standing there smirking at me, this was the very last person on the planet.
“Rich?” It was him all right, leaning up against my door frame, grinning at me as if I hadn’t been ignoring his ridiculous late night calls over the last few days. “What… what are you doing here?” Was I dreaming? I pinched my arm just to be sure, but as a sharp shock ran up my arm I knew that this was real.
“I’ve come to see you, of course.” He said that as if it was totally obvious, which made it feel even weirder.
“But… why?”
As my eyebrows knotted together, his confident swagger completely fell away. His arm dropped from the door frame, his face fell into a more natural expression, his legs uncrossed. He seemed to totally shrink in on himself.
My heart yearned as I spotted this vulnerability, I wanted to reach out and touch him, to pull him closer to me, but I forced myself to hold back for a second.
“Okay, look, I just want to talk to you. Is there any chance I can come in?” He kicked his toe along the ground and stuffed his hands into his pockets.
“Uhm, yeah, sure.” I glanced behind me, spotting a mess that I hadn’t seen before, but it was far too late for a tidy up now. Hopefully Rich would understand that considering he turned up totally unexpectedly.
Rich didn’t seem to notice anything wrong about my apartment though. He walked through with his head fixed firmly on the ground beneath him. I had no need to worry, because he wasn’t even looking upwards.
“Take a seat.”
He plonked his butt down slowly onto my couch, looking incredibly out of place in my home, which only served to kick my pulse rate up another notch. This was all so strange, so unexpected, I didn’t know what to think. Ever since I saw that article about the band splitting up and Rich screwing everyone that looked his way, I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge his existence. But all those reasons were hard to remember with him sitting staring at me like that, reminding me of the moments our eyes connected for the very first time.
“Is everything okay?” I couldn’t stand the tension any longer, I needed to break it somehow.
“I don’t know really. This is all a bit weird.” Rich laughed. Or at least he tried to, it didn’t quite come out in that way. It sounded more like his throat was slowly closing over. “I’m sorry to just barge in on you like this, I just don’t think we left it in the right way.”
“And… what way do you normally leave it?”
That wasn’t a dig.
Well, maybe it was a little bit.
“What do you mean?” He shuffled uncomfortably in the chair before raising his eyes to the ceiling. “This isn’t… what I have with you isn’t like what I’ve ever had with anyone else.”
“That isn’t what you said in the magazine.”
There was no point in denying that I’d read it, it was on the coffee table right in front of him. Any minute now he could look down and spot it.
“Urgh, the interview.” His head fell into his hands and he shook it from side to side. “That fucking interview… it’s been nothing but a nightmare. It’s wrecked absolutely everything.”
“The band?”
“The band, my friendships, everything. You know, they’ve insisted that we take a hiatus for a while, so I can ‘sort out my feelings’. I mean, what bullshit is that?”
“Uhm…” That sounded like a good idea to me, it seemed that was what they all needed, but of course I didn’t know anything about it. My advice meant nothing.
“I also think I might have messed things up with you.” He practically whispered that part, but he might as well have yelled it for the impact it had on me. His words slammed hard into my chest, like a car crash.
“Me?”
His beautiful eyes connected with mine again. “Yes, I meant what I said. I’ve never felt anything like I have with you. From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I felt something deep inside, and despite all the time that’s passed it hasn’t gone anywhere. Maybe it was all a bit quick and unexpected, but you left a lasting impression on me.” He smiled at me, and I found myself returning the gesture without even thinking about it. “That’s why I searched so hard to find you. It wasn’t easy you know?”
“Yeah, how did you manage it?” I was stunned that he’d gone to so much effort. I hadn’t given him details of my home address, so he must have wanted to look me up.
“I found out where you worked and took it from there. The details of that aren’t important anyway.”
“Sure, sure.” He could play it down all he wanted, but I knew he’d put in effort, a gesture that really touched me. “Of course.”
“I guess I just needed to see you again, to make things right. I know I fucked up, but my head has been all over the place recently.”
“Why?” I leaned in, wishing I could just reach out and touch him. This more vulnerable side to Rich was even more attractive than the cocky guy I’d fallen for as he stood up on stage that night. “You know that you can talk to me, right?”
Rich let out a deep breath of air, before rising to his feet and pacing the room. As he rubbed his cheeks and tugged on his curls, I drank every bit of him in. His red t-shirt was crumpled and slightly stained, his jeans hung a little below his waist, his sneakers had obviously seen better days… but still he looked good. Maybe not good enough for the rest of the world, but certainly good enough for me.
“My head has been all over the place recently because I don’t know what I want from life anymore. When Morton first started, we were four young lads out to take full advantage of the new world that had opened to us. We partied hard, slept around, acted like idiots, but it was fun. Now it seems like everyone has grown up but me.”
“Do you want to grow up?” I had no idea if that was the right thing to say, but I felt like it was integral to where this conversation was going to go next.
“Yes, I think I do. And that might be what the problem is. I finally want to grow up, to get myself some of what the other boys have, but I don’t know where to start.”
“What do they have?”
“A life outside the band. People they love, families, lives to go home to. I’m still the young lad who parties, only I can’t hack it anymore and I don’t want it. I want so much more. I’m sick of being alone, of feeling lonely, of feeling like a character for everyone else. I guess for once I just want to be me.”
This tugged at my heart strings, because in a weird way, despite us coming from opposite ends of the scale, I was going through a similar crisis of my own. I wanted more from life too, and I didn’t know where to get it. I was trying my best, but it wasn’t easy.
“I get it,” I murmured quietly. “I want to leave my job, I want to move on, to have an actual career, but I don’t know where to begin.” I stood up and started pacing too. “You’re lucky, you know what you want in your life. Music is everything to you, but I don’t know what I want to do. All I know for sure is that I don’t want to be stuck in that office forever. And… and a life outside of work as well, but you know how it is. One step at a time, and all that.”
“So, what you’re saying is that we’re both a mess?” Rich laughed. “I need more than my career to make me happy, and you need some kind of ambition for something.”
“Yeah, something like that.”
We stared at each other, the atmosphere shifting once more. I knew more about Rich now, and he did me. The only question now swirling around us was where did we go from here? If anything were to happen between us now, it would have to mean much more than just a one night stand. We couldn’t go through all of that and still mean nothing to one another.
The only question was: were either of us ready for that? Or were we just too screwed up to even think about it?
“I’m glad you came,” I said on impulse. “I’ve missed you. I mean, I know I haven’t really known you very well, but I’ve definitely noticed not having you around.”
“Yeah, me too.” He shimmied closer to me, and I could feel an intense heat radiating from him. “I don’t quite know what you’ve done to me, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you even for a second. I need to know more about every inch of you.”
“You do?” I gulped noisily, fear and lust tearing through me like a hurricane. “In what way?”
He was in my personal space now. I could almost feel his breath tickling my cheek. His hands ever so slowly reached out to touch my chest. Rich rested them there, just feeling my heart beat for a moment. “You’re important to me, Nathan. More than you could ever know. Before I met you, I didn’t even know how disoriented I was. I assumed I was happy because I didn’t know any better.”
“And… and now? What do you want now?”
His hand moved up to my hair, he ran his fingers through it and stared intensely at me. “I want to kiss you again, but I’m scared.”
“Why are you scared?”
My mind was swimming, my brain fogging over. There was a thick lust clinging to the air, and all I wanted to do was tumble into it. But I was scared too, frightened that it wouldn’t end as I wanted it to.
“I’m scared because this is something I’ve never done before. I’ve never felt anything deeper than physical. I’ve never been so emotionally invested in someone before. What if you break my heart?”
That made me laugh aloud a little. Again, I was sharing the same feelings with the man I liked, only this time Rich was brave enough to share them aloud.
“I’m scared you’ll do the same to me,” I murmured. “I’m absolutely petrified of getting hurt, but you know what? I think you may very well be worth the risk.”
With that his mouth was up against mine, and we were consuming one another, kissing desperately like there was no tomorrow.
And it felt right.