Chapter Five
The next few days are awful without Baxter around. To keep to my self-care plan, I try to have a connected, meaningful conversation with my mother, who is a perpetual multitasker.
When I go over to my parents’ house on Water Street, she's watching TV, playing a game of solitaire, and baking a pie. I grew up with my mother juggling activities like this so it's nothing new to me, but it’s unbearably hard to have a heart to heart discussion as she flits around the kitchen.
In my next session with Betty, I don't want to admit to myself that I miss Baxter so much because I believe there is a pretty big chance he will never talk to me again. He hasn't called, texted, sent me paintings, or flowers. I miss his smiling face so much it hurts.
Betty asks, "How are you and Baxter adjusting to your return to work?"
Squishing the flowered couch pillow, I mumble, "I haven't talked to Baxter in days."
"Oh?"
Groaning, I take the couch pillow and hit myself in the head with it. "Yes. He wanted to take me on date after work last Wednesday, but I yelled at him that I wasn't ready for dating."
Betty nods kindly. "Don't you two spend every day together?"
"Yes." I know what she’s getting at.
"Okay. How do you feel about him?"
Burying my head in the pillow, I mumble, "I love him."
"What was that?"
"I love him!" Looking out the window, I feel teardrops on my cheeks. "I'm afraid, Betty."
"What are you afraid of?"
"Everything!" I cry. "And I've never been intimate..." I stop at that word "intimate" and sigh. "Sober before." Sex with someone I love is daunting enough, but sex with someone I love sober when I’ve only ever had sex drunk off my ass seems to be the most impossible endeavor I will ever face.
"Have you told Baxter that?" Betty asks.
"No."
"Is Baxter someone you feel comfortable talking to?"
I think of Baxter's kind smile and shining bright eyes. "Of course."
"I know you might be afraid, but you should tell him how you feel if you'd like to continue to have him in your life. But, you might not want that." She holds her hands up. "It's up to you. But, remember, Baxter is a person with feelings and emotions. Your actions and feelings affect him."
Betty's suggestion is simple, and probably something I should have done without her prodding. Imagining Baxter out of my life is physically painful. After I leave Betty’s office, I pick up a dozen crimson red roses from Spring Street Flowers.
It's Monday afternoon, and I know that Baxter gets off on Mondays at five. I sit on the stoop of his apartment building waiting patiently. When it's six, Baxter still hasn't shown up. I occupy myself with scribbling thoughts down in my notebook. I'm on my third one now.
At seven, I'm convinced Baxter saw me sitting outside and made sure to avoid me. He probably took off and is hanging out with some new, nicer guy now. The sun starts to set, lighting the sky in an orange autumnal glow. Putting my nose to the roses, I start to cry. Teardrops fall onto the red petals.
"Erik?" I look up. Baxter stands in front of me with his arms open, as always.
I fly into his arms so happy to see him. "I'm so sorry."
"How long have you been out here? I stayed late at the restaurant covering for Van."
"I've been here forever!" I wail.
Baxter laughs holding me tight. "I missed you."
"I've got something to tell you," I say. I might as well get it all out. "Number one: I love you. Number two: I've never been with anyone before while sober. I think I'm afraid. I’ve never made love. I mean… I’ve fucked, but..."
His eyes beam at me. "I've got something to tell you. Number one: I love you, too. Number two: That's okay. We'll take it slow."
Baxter holds my hand leading me inside his apartment all the way to his bedroom. My heart is beating furiously when he sets me down on the bed. He closes the door, making my heart thump even more.
He walks over to me and lifts my shirt up over my head. I sit shyly with my chest exposed crossing my arms nervously. Baxter takes hold of my arms putting them down to my sides.
“You’re gorgeous. Do you know that?” He pulls off his own shirt, tossing it to the floor.
Feeling uneasy, I look down at the floor. Baxter takes my hand and leads me to a full-length mirror on the wall. He stands behind me. “Look at yourself.” He hooks his arms around my waist, and I feel his hard stomach pressed against my bare back.
I look at myself in the mirror. I notice how different I look from the day we first met. My eyes aren’t hazy with exhaustion. My face looks fresher and happier.
My eyes shift to Baxter in the mirror. He looks fabulous standing behind me. In fact, framed by the mirror, we look fabulous together.
Something comes over me. Without thinking, I turn around to Baxter and kiss him on the lips. Once my tongue touches his, I’m lost in him completely. We tumble onto the bed kissing each other madly.
Baxter’s hands are all over me. He unbuttons my shorts, pulling them down. All I can think about is Baxter inside me. As I tug off his jeans, Baxter kisses my neck sending zaps of electricity down my limbs.
I push Baxter up on his knees on the bed. His cock is magnificently thick and long. Immediately, I take it all in my mouth. Baxter moans out in pleasure, exciting me more. Gripping the shaft in my hand, I lick the head savoring the sensation of the ridge of the tip on my tongue.
Baxter’s fingers gently tousle my hair as I push his cock deeper down my throat. He moans again making my dick thump in anticipation. Plunging Baxter in and out of my mouth with my tightly curled lips, I’m dizzy with desire.
Baxter pushes me back. With his slick, wet cock in my hand, I look up at him. His brown curls fall down around his shoulders. A few loose curls hang down on his face. He’s absolutely beautiful. “I want you,” I say stroking his rigid dick with my tight fist.
“I want you too.” Baxter lies me down, cupping a hand on my chin and kissing me. He slides his cock with my saliva dripping from it into my ass. I gasp from the intense dizzying pressure. Baxter looks me in the eyes as he thrusts inside me. His stare is so penetrating and powerful I don’t dare to look away.
“I love you, Erik,” he whispers running his forefinger across my lips.
“Baxter, I love you so much.” My eyes fill with tears.
He pushes into me so deep I close my eyes from the delicious sensation. Gripping his thighs, I feel a current of orgasmic electricity shoot down my legs and up through my spine. I cry out, “Baxter!”
“You look so hot when you cum,” Baxter groans. He pushes into me harder and faster. I watch as his face contorts with a large bellowing moan. His warm cum floods my asshole leaving me satisfied and spent.
Baxter cuddles me, spooning his body around mine. I realize that I’ve never been cuddled before, and I love the way he feels wrapped around my body.
“No one has ever made love to me before,” I say closing my eyes and savoring the moment.
Baxter pulls at my arms and turns me around to face him. He looks into my eyes without saying a word.
“So that’s what it’s like?” I say smiling at him.
He nods. “Yup. Did you like it?”
I press my forehead to his. “I love it. I love you.”
“I want to have a family with you,” he says. “I think we make a great team.”
My heart soars. “We do make a great team.” I pause. “Maybe we should travel for a while.”
Baxter sits up. “Really?”
I nod. “Why not? Let’s get an RV and travel. I can be a travel nurse for a while.” I kiss him on the lips. “Let’s have fun!”
“What about your job here?” he asks.
Shrugging my shoulders, I say, “I’m not married to my job. I can be a nurse anywhere. Let’s take advantage of that before the kids are in school and we have to stay in one place.”
Baxter puts his hand on the side of my face grinning. “I like that you just said, ‘the kids.’”
I laugh. “I like that I said that, too.”
Baxter spoons me again, fitting perfectly to my body’s shape. I fall asleep in his arms, finally happy to think about the future.