Chapter Four
Rich
Fucking hell!
I rubbed my eyes hard, hating the hungover feeling I’d gotten even though I didn’t drink anything last night. It sucked, but it was common after a gig. Especially as I got older. Goddamn age, why did that have to catch up with me? I was a rock star, supposed to be young forever more.
I swung my legs around and noisily hit the hotel floor beneath me with my feet, while a deep sigh flew from my chest. There was something going on in the back of my brain, information that I desperately needed to grapple onto, but sleep had me for now. Once that fog had cleared from my brain, it would come to me. I just had to wait.
“Morning.”
My heart sunk and soared all at once. Of course, the guy from the concert. I’d almost forgotten about him. Why didn’t I kick him out after the sex again? I never let people sleep over. It was like the one rule by which I lived my life. Sex was fine, but sleeping was a terrible idea. Sleeping led to the assumption that there would be a date the next day, and if there was one thing Rich Gold didn’t do, it was dates.
So, why was Nathan still here?
“Oh yeah, morning.”
I twisted my body, pulling all the aching muscles in my side as I moved and I glanced toward him. The grumpiness instantly faded as I glanced into his eyes once more… the place where it all began. There was something utterly intoxicating about those baby blues. I could lose myself in them forever more.
“So, last night was…” His face flushed brightly, and my heart unexpectedly fluttered in my chest. “It was… different.”
“Hmm.” How could I answer that when it wasn’t for me? Not really. Waking up with a stranger wasn’t normal, but the bit that came before it was.
I forced myself into a standing position, refusing to look at him any longer. I needed to get my head together if I was going to put on yet another awesome performance that night. This was one of the cities we were spending two nights in because of the massive fan base we had here, and I needed to be in top form again.
After all, people only really came out to see me. The rest of the guys were there in the background, but I was the star of the show.
I tossed my head back and stared at the ceiling, my eyes zoning in on the twists and turns of the ugly white wallpaper that lay above. The weaving, complex pattern felt a little bit like this situation. It was a tangled mess that I couldn’t find an easy way out of… mostly because I wasn’t sure if I wanted a way out. I liked Nathan, and weirdly, I kind of wanted him to stick around.
“Anyway, I need a shower. So…” I didn’t bother to finish that sentence because I wasn’t totally sure where the words were in my big, empty expanse of a brain. He could take them as he wanted. He could stick around and wait or he could go.
I knew which option I’d take if I were him.
I kept my eyes fixed firmly on the bathroom door as I walked forward. My steps were more confident than my emotions, but that was okay. It was all about the way the world viewed me, and it always had been.
Once the door clicked behind my back, I flicked the shower on and rested my body against it. A weariness overcame me, an emotional exhaustion. What was it about this elusive Nathan that had me feeling so odd inside? Sure, he was different, cute in an adorable way, sexy without knowing it, intriguing… but that shouldn’t matter. Tomorrow Morton would be moving on, like usual, and we’d be somewhere else entirely. Somewhere with a whole load of fresh meat.
But where was the excitement about that? I should be feeling it by now.
“Fuck,” I muttered to myself, slapping my palm hard against my forehead. “Idiot.”
I stepped under the hot, steaming jets of water, and tried to clear my mind with it. I wanted to wash away the night’s leftover feelings. I wanted to start fresh the moment we moved on.
I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t fall for anyone. Rich Gold had a reputation: a bad boy, a player. That was what the fans went wild for. The girls who adored Morton didn’t care about my sexuality, more concerned about the fantasy of taming a player. I’d always been that way, and there was no chance of me changing now.
I was me, the star of the show, and I had to continue being me. The future of the band depended on it, so that was just the way it was.
I took myself out of the water because it wasn’t helping, and I wrapped the nearest towel tightly around my waist. I needed to dig right into myself, to find that determination to drive me forwards. I was going to have to face Nathan eventually. There was no way that I could put it off forever. He wasn’t a monster, he was just a guy. All I needed to do was be straightforward and ask him to leave. Simple.
I could do this.
With a deep breath, I pressed my palm flat against the door and gave it a little shove. Just enough to push it open a little bit.
It’ll be okay, I tried to convince myself. It’ll be fine.
Yet, it wasn’t fine, and for all the reasons I wasn’t totally expecting. The room was empty. Nathan had gone.
Why did I feel so horrible that he was gone? Wasn’t that what I wanted? To be by myself? All of a sudden, I could feel Nathan’s absence deeply. His bright smile was missing, those lovely eyes gone. The impact of the lonely life on the road filled me up, and the room expanded endlessly to remind me that, as usual, I was completely by myself. I slumped into the nearest chair and sighed deeply, wondering how the hell I was going to get myself out of this funk.