Chapter Three
Two days later, as Gregory walked toward room 235, a ball of anxiety was wrestling inside his chest once more. He wanted to be able to act cool and nonchalant, even if Lionel continued to flirt with him, but he was worried he wouldn’t be able to control himself because he was feeling so nervous.
He hadn’t seen Lionel since the incident at the elevator but Wilson had dropped more than one hint about finding one of his profiles. Mostly he had gushed about how gorgeous he was, which did not help Gregory who was desperately trying to get over the whole thing. It frustrated him that some guy he’d barely interacted with had overtaken his head so completely and so quickly.
He was grateful to Jo, who he had had dinner with every night since meeting her, and who had easily taken the hint that he didn’t want to talk about Lionel. They’d both decided that going out the night before an early class was a rookie mistake that they would not be making again, but Jo was insisting that they play wingman for each other again Friday night. Though he knew that finding another cute guy who was actually and definitively single would help get his mind off of the Lionel thing, Gregory had been insisting that they go to a lesbian bar and find a lady for Jo.
In the back of his mind, he knew it was because he was holding out some kind of hope about Lionel—or, at least, he was curious to see how the situation would play out. He was secretly hoping that the whole situation would turn out to be far less dramatic than it seemed, though he couldn’t logically figure out how it wouldn’t be.
He stopped, feet from the door, cursing himself for not being more casual. At school last year, where he’d been one of the only out guys on campus, he’d had this intrinsic confidence most of the time, especially when it came to romantic interests. There was something empowering about being one of the only one’s out and proud. Here, however, his gayness wasn’t exciting news or even news. He was just one of many. And, unlike back home, when he was interested in a guy here, he wasn’t one of the only ones in the competition.
Like Lionel is some kind of trophy to win. Come on, Gregory, you know better than that.
He wasn’t used to feeling insecure about another guy swooping in on the one he liked because there had never been the possibility of another guy even being in the picture.
He had caught himself, on more than one occasion, comparing his looks to The Duke when his mind wandered.
I really need to find out what his name is and stop calling him that.
He smiled to himself. I’m funny, he thought, rolling his eyes. But people are going to think I’m nuts if I keep smiling and nodding to myself in the middle of the hallway like this.
He took a deep breath. There’s nothing to worry about. He’s just a guy. You’re just a guy. You’re not going to get involved with someone who is already involved with someone else. That doesn’t mean you can’t flirt back. That just means you can’t catch feelings.
He smirked to himself again as his internal voice morphed into one eerily similar to Wilson’s.
He took another breath, shook his shoulders to try to rid them of some of the tension they’d been carrying since he left his dorm, and strolled into the class. A little bit of his tension returned when he spotted Lionel. He had been hoping that he would get there first so he wouldn’t have to be the one to decide whether they were sitting together or not.
Though, of course, that didn’t stop him last time.
He decided not to play games and to act as casual as possible, no matter how he was feeling on the inside. He returned Lionel’s wave, noting that he seemed tired or ever-so-slightly off somehow beneath his clear enthusiasm. It was a look Gregory recognized vaguely as the look of someone dealing with something emotionally exhausting.
He felt a twinge of guilt and a deep sense of empathy as he took in the bags under Lionel’s otherwise still-perfect eyes and the slight distance the actual gaze seemed to have.
“Hi,” he said gently, all thought of jealousy and insecurity replaced instantly by concern. “You okay?”
“What? Oh, yeah, I’m great,” Lionel said, forcing a smile that did not meet his eyes.
“Well, I don’t know you really well and everything, but, well, you don’t look like you’re great.”
“Thanks,” Lionel said, feigning offense. Gregory saw a weakness in his chin that convinced him he was not actually okay.
“Well, if you want to talk about it…” he said, letting his voice trail off so he didn’t come off as overly sentimental to this guy who was basically a stranger.
“Thanks,” Lionel said quietly, his voice sounding rough, his forehead scrunching up in sincerity.
Gregory sighed, noting that Lionel seemed both to want to say more and to not.
“Well, of course, this isn’t the time or place for any kind of serious discussion. Let’s call it an open-ended offer, shall we?” He smiled kindly and felt that warmth once again spread through his chest at Lionel’s responding smile. There was deep appreciation in his gaze, now, and something he could easily mistake for attraction. “How about we talk about the homework? You know, because, when in Rome…”
Lionel chuckled and his forehead frown deepened. “I completely forgot to do that!” he whispered. “I’ve just been…there’s been so much…”
He trailed off but Gregory jumped in. “Well, you missed so much trivial knowledge…I mean trivia…” he winked at Lionel and felt immensely satisfied when the man laughed out loud. He spent the last five minutes before their professor arrived summarizing the reading and interspersing his explanation with cheesy jokes that nevertheless seemed to successfully lift Lionel’s spirits.
As they walked out of class together an hour and a half later, Gregory was once again shaken from the reverie of flirtation. Thankfully, there was no Duke waiting for Lionel in the hall today, but Gregory was instantly reminded of what had happened last time and couldn’t help but being quite certain that it had everything to do with Lionel’s mood change. He had a moment of indecision as they walked quietly down the hallway next to each other. He could say goodbye and call Jo to meet him for dinner, thereby successfully avoiding whatever drama may be in store for him. Or, he could follow up on his offer to talk about things and have the opportunity to spend more time with this handsome, intriguing man.
***
At the Thai restaurant Jo had taken him to earlier in the week, Gregory watched Lionel contemplate the menu, enjoying his first unencumbered view of the man’s face straight on. Every time he looked at him, he somehow seemed to get even more handsome. Even with sleepless eyes and some subtle yet apparent frown lines, he was one gorgeous human. Gregory had to make himself look away after Lionel caught him staring the second time, but not before he caught the smirk at the corner of his mouth, however.
“Find anything you like?” he asked, mostly to break the silence. He instantly regretted what obviously sounded like a leading question out loud as Lionel’s eyebrow darted upward and his smirk deepened. He frowned, then, his eyes going distant as if something unpleasant had occurred to him and Gregory sighed.
“So, do you want to talk about it, or do you want to keep pretending like it’s not a thing?” he asked next, feeling emboldened unexpectedly. He felt a genuine connection with Lionel and they obviously had a mutual attraction for each other. He’d spent too much of his life second-guessing his feelings and thoughts to keep doing it anymore. That was the lesson that had led him here, to a strange city all alone.
“What do you mean?” Lionel asked in a lame attempt at coyness.
Gregory was not interested in playing the game, probably because he knew from experience that if he let it go any longer it was just going to drive him, or probably both of them, crazy. He wanted to get to the bottom of things so they could either move forward or he could move on.
“Look, not to be disgustingly forward, but I find you incredibly attractive and I get the sense that you don’t find me completely repulsive. But, there’s this little thing standing in the way of whatever that could be and it’s called that guy that seems to always be around you. You know, the one you’re kissing one minute and looking like you want to kill the next.”
Lionel sighed, smiling in good humor but showing obvious pain behind his eyes. Gregory felt bad for being so blunt but only slightly. At that moment, their waitress came over and Gregory watched Lionel closely as they both ordered, trying to gauge whether or not he had gone too far in his honesty. When she had left, Lionel took several long moments without meeting his eyes.
“He’s my…ex?”
Gregory sighed, feeling himself close up internally but trying to resist it. He didn’t get involved with people who were involved with other people. It had always been a rule, but it was a definite line for him after he’d been burned one too many times by guys in “complicated” relationships.
“You sound really certain about that,” he teased, trying to mask the bitterness in his voice.
“It’s pretty new, but it’s been a long time coming. I’m still not used to it, I guess?” Lionel looked angry and almost on the verge of tears. Before Gregory could respond, he continued, almost as if he’d been waiting to say everything and was finally getting the chance to. “We’ve…we were together for a year, but I’ve been wanting to break things off for, like, six months at least. He’s sweet but…” he trailed off.
“Intense?” Gregory supplied quietly, feeling a deep desire to hug the man across from him. He’d been on both sides of that kind of relationship and knew exactly what he was talking about.
“Right. Yeah. And how can you be…just…mean to someone who loves you so much and is so vulnerable with you? We tried to be casual, we tried to be friends, but he definitely wants all or nothing and I…just can’t.” He paused and then added quickly, as if it were a very important after thought, “Not with him, at least,” and made direct eye contact with Gregory who felt his heart skip a beat. He had to look away as he felt himself blushing.
“Anyway,” Lionel continued, sounding more confident now, “I officially ended it the other night and told him I needed space for a while before we could try to be friends.”
“It sounds like that’s what he needs,” Gregory responded gently and they held each other’s gaze, smiling sweetly toward each other. The sun had almost set outside and the low-lighting and random candles in the restaurant were setting the perfect mood for how Gregory was feeling now. “What made you decide to break it off officially this time?” he asked before he could stop himself. He knew it sounded like a leading question, but he was curious.
Lionel smirked again, the liveliness coming back into his eyes once more. He winked and shrugged, feigning at nonchalance. Gregory rolled his eyes but felt immensely pleased.
They ate and talked, sitting for almost two hours after they’d both finished their meals. They left after getting several tense visits from their waitress, who clearly wanted to turn their table, and they both left large tips both as an apology and out of sheer happiness.
Leaving the restaurant returned them, momentarily to an awkward state.
“You’re living in the dorms?” Lionel asked in a clearly leading manner.
“Yep,” Gregory responded, biting back his grin. “You?”
Lionel looked grim in a way that told Gregory that he, in fact, lived with his newly ex-boyfriend.
“It was supposed to be temporary,” Lionel sighed, his tone biting. “But that was four months ago. I asked him to move out by the end of the week, even if somewhere temporary. I’m staying with friends until he can.”
“I don’t have roommates,” Gregory shrugged, not looking at Lionel so as not to get his hopes up. He thought he knew why Lionel had brought up living situations, but he also knew that going through a fresh breakup was no easy thing.
After a moment of silence, he glanced over to see Lionel also not looking at him but smiling in a very pleased way.