Chapter Nine
Nathan
“So, this is nice, isn’t it?” Brett gave me that adorable grin, but I couldn’t enjoy it. The lack of pounding heart was all I could think about. I didn’t have jelly knees, or a dry, excitable mouth. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t feeling anything at all, and that was the problem.
“It is… nice.” And it was, I wasn’t lying, but the spark just was not there. It was a shame. I really wanted it to happen because I needed something else to focus on, something to distract me from the pathetic heartbreak I was feeling over Rich. “Thank you for inviting me out. This restaurant is beautiful.”
“The food is great too.”
This was a person I spent a lot of time with in the office, someone I’d shared banter with, enjoyed the company of, so why did it feel so awkward? The romantic, candlelit table felt fake, the waiter’s smile looked plastic, and I was sitting up far too straight. It was as if I was playing a role in a movie, but I had no idea what my next line should be.
“So, Tandi was crazy on Friday, wasn’t she? That outburst over Chloe’s pay raise was insane.”
We both chuckled, sticking to the one topic we had in common. It was a shame to discuss the place I hated so much when I wasn’t there, but I preferred it to silence.
“I know. I thought she was going to tear her hair out at some point. She’s mental. When she gets her back up, she always zones in on her victim’s insecurities, doesn’t she? It’s like she has a talent in finding which buttons to press.”
The waiter snaked back to the side of our table, giving me what felt like a weird look. It was almost as if he could see right into my mind. He could tell that I wasn’t enjoying this as much as I wanted to.
"Can I get you two something else to drink?”
After sitting through such an uncomfortable meal, I expected Brett to instantly reject the offer, but he didn’t. “Ooh, yes please. Another cocktail. How about you, Nathan?”
“Yeah, sure why not.”
My heart sunk into my chest as the waiter went to grab us some more drinks. I didn’t want to admit it, even to myself really, but I’d put all my hopes into this one date. I’d hoped that I’d easily forget all about anyone else, and that I would be able to look toward the future. What I could have with Brett would be real, an actual adult relationship.
Much better than a meaningless one night stand.
Just because everything about Rich made my body swell and heat up with desire, didn’t make it right.
“So, when are you going to more gigs?”
“Huh?” I slurped my cocktail and forced my gaze back toward Brett. Just because this clearly wasn’t ever going to go anywhere, didn’t mean I had to be rude about it.
“You know, you went to see Morton the other night. I was just wondering if that’s something you do a lot?”
“Oh, no, not really. My best friend, Michelle, made me go.”
“I see, I was thinking maybe we could go together maybe some time.”
This was the moment. He was looking up at me with shining eyes, hope plastered across his face. I had to do the right thing and blow him off kindly now, before this became too much. I’d been strung along myself in the past, and it didn’t feel good. I never wanted to be that guy.
Especially not considering Brett was someone I had to spend a lot of time in a confined space with.
“Maybe, but as…” Oh God, this was so hard. Why was being honest so difficult? “Just as friends, you know?”
I held my breath, expecting the worst, but thankfully Brett seemed to take it well. He nodded slowly and blew out a massive wad of air. “Okay, that’s fine. I guess,” he paused for a second while ice cold guilt cascaded over me. I never should’ve initiated this. I should’ve guessed where it’d go. “I guess I waited too long to ask you out. I was just so shy.”
Huh. To think all that time I’d been admiring Brett from afar, he’d been doing the same, both of us too afraid to actually act upon it. It made me think of all the missed calls I had from Rich. He was being brave, reaching out to me, and I was turning my back on him because I was afraid.
Not that I was thinking about Rich!
“I’m sorry, Brett. I really do like you. I think you’re an awesome person. I just don’t think there’s any romantic spark there.”
A pregnant pause filled the air, before Brett finally spoke out again. “Yeah, you’re right. And thank you for being so honest. It’s easier to hear this now than to spend weeks agonizing over something that’s never going to become real.”
We shared a smile, before downing the rest of our drinks and making our escape. If we left now, there might be a friendship to salvage at the end of it. I needed that. I didn’t want to lose Brett forever.
“Come on then, let’s go.”
Despite the disastrous nature of the date, I actually felt pretty good as I walked back home. The situation wasn’t ideal, it hadn’t ended anything like I wanted it to, but I’d acted upon that, I’d taken control of the situation and told Brett exactly how I felt. For someone like me, that was something to be proud of. I’d spent far too long sitting back and letting things just happen to me, I’d forgotten how good it felt to be in control.
Maybe it was time to take the bull by the horns in other areas of my life too. Maybe it was time to quit my job, to tell Tandi where to go, to finally call Rich back to see what he wanted. Doing just the one proactive thing put an actual skip into my step. I buzzed with positivity, and that was something I wanted to grasp hold of and keep.
I tugged my phone out of my pocket, and looked at Rich’s number on the screen, really thinking about putting in that call. Sure, I might not get the news I wanted, but if my date tonight had taught me anything, it was that knowing was much better than being left outside in the cold.
But before I could do anything rash, something caught my eye, just one word that stopped me in my tracks. Morton, written on the front of a magazine in the window of the nearest news agent, accompanied by Rich’s face. The rest of them were there too, but it was only him I saw.
Him, and the following words: ‘Is this the end of the road?’
Intrigue piqued, and I couldn’t stop myself from going inside to buy the magazine. I needed to know what was going on in Rich’s life, even if it had nothing to do with me. Maybe this was me acting a little crazed and obsessed, but I absolutely had to have all the information.
“Two fifty, please,” the guy behind the counter announced gravely.
“Yeah, sure, here.”
My eyes were still fixed on that front cover. I couldn’t stop looking. Rich didn’t look right. There was a weird fire behind his eyes. I couldn’t read it, so I hoped the interview words inside would help me understand more.
It wasn’t until I was locked away in the safety of my own apartment that I finally felt ready to delve inside to discover more about Rich’s secrets.
Okay, so they weren’t so much secrets because they were printed in a national magazine, but that was how they felt all the same.
I flicked rapidly through the pages, my heart finally pounding as I waited to see his face once more. His eyes. As soon as I spotted his eyes, I ran my finger lovingly over the page, gently touching his cheek, my chest swelling with warmth. That moment, I would never forget. No matter what happened next, him looking at me like that as his hand touched mine would stick with me forever.
Anyway, it was time to read on, and the words before me turned everything on its head all over again.
‘I could have a solo career, I have the talent and the fan base. I don’t need Morton anymore.’
‘Yes, I enjoy the high life, and if fans want to throw themselves at me, then who am I to turn them away from my bed?’
‘All rock stars drink and do drugs. It’s part of the lifestyle.’
This wasn’t the man I spent the night with. Okay, so maybe I didn’t get to know him, there wasn’t much conversation, but still I felt like we had an understanding. I thought I got to see a special side of Rich that no one else did, but perhaps I was being naïve. Maybe I was seeing things that I just wanted to be there.
The phone call I was so keen to make not so long ago completely fell from my mind. I couldn’t speak to Rich now, not after seeing this, I needed to forget all about him like I should’ve in the first place. I was nothing to him, just another fan who threw themselves at him, so I needed to get to a place where he meant nothing to me.
I guess the one thing I could do to take my mind off all of that was work on the other issue that needed resolving. I needed to sort out my career. Being stuck in the dead-end job that I hated wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I needed to spend some real time working out what I wanted from my life now and how I was going to get it.
I couldn’t do anything about my love life, it was what it was (currently nothing). My career was something that I could take charge of. I could change it, mold it into what I needed it to be, and now that the idea was there, I couldn’t wait to get started.