Chapter Three
Aaron wakes up with a splitting headache. He isn't quite sure where he is and he barely remembers the night before. All he has is a feeling of regret and shame. He tries to sit up and falls off the sofa he was lying on, knocking his knee into a coffee table and sending a glass of water flying.
“Good morning,” a familiar voice calls from behind the sofa.
Standing up, Aaron looks toward the voice. In the doorway Javier is standing, in emoji pajamas that look straight out of the kids' section, holding two cups with faint steam rising from them.
“My head is killing me,” Aaron says.
“I'd bet. Virgin to hangovers too?” Javier asks, handing him a cup of hot coffee.
“Nah... I'm sexually inexperienced, not some innocent little babe in the woods.” He takes the coffee. The mug is only warm, but the little cloud of steam suggests he ought to wait before sipping. “Still... God...pretty sure I overdid it.” He feels parched. Staring at the mug, he contemplates sipping anyway.
“Let me get you some OJ,” Javier says. “And maybe some bacon and waffles...and some clean clothes.”
Aaron just nods and follows Javier across the hallway into the small, bright, enamel-decorated kitchen. It looks straight out of the fifties. Javier pours him a glass of cold orange juice from the fridge, and Aaron drinks it in one long gulp. Feeling much better about his head and throat, he starts trying to fill in the blanks from the night before. “We didn't...” he begins, unsure quite how to finish his sentence. He looks up and his eyes meet Javier's.
“Didn't...?” Javier repeats.
“You know...”
Javier shakes his head. “Oh, God no. I just, I couldn't leave you there like that. What the fuck happened there?” He sips his coffee.
“I don't know...it's a little blurry to be honest.” Aaron sips his coffee too. It's barely cooled enough to drink, but he needs the caffeine. “I suppose I just… I like you and–”
“Not here.” Javier shakes his head, his voice dropping a little. “Not under this roof. Not if you want bacon. We can talk about that later.”
“Um, okay,” Aaron replies. He knows full well that there are people out there who are homophobes due to the influence of faith or culture. He's met more than a few. But there is something distinctly uncomfortable about being in their house, talking to their gay son, who is making him bacon and waffles. “Do you need a hand?” he offers.
“I got this. You find yourself some ibuprofen or something. Top drawer under the microwave,” Javier replies.
“Thanks for looking out for me,” Aaron says as he searches through an assortment of essential oils, old bills, supplements, and rubber bands. “Not...not a lot of guys would.”
“Loads of guys would. It happened to be me that time. Which doesn't mean you should ever get so drunk on your own again. All it takes is one nasty person and you're getting stitches in your left eyebrow whilst your mother cancels all your credit cards and finds you a new phone.”
“Speaking from experience?”
“How did you guess?” Javier laughs. “I was so ugly for like, two weeks, while those bruises and cuts healed. Nothing permanent, but it really shook me up. You'd be surprised how many stories like mine there are in the community. And worse, too. Gotta be careful.”
“The community?” a woman's voice asks from the door.
“Oh, hi, Mom,” Javier says with practiced calmness. “Mom, this is Aaron, now conscious, Aaron, this is my mother. It's what we call the club we were at when he got completely hammered.”
“That is not a wise thing to do, you know?” Javier's mother says, walking over to the coffee machine, putting her mug in it, and hitting the button. “I bet he told you about the time he got mugged.”
Aaron nods. “Yeah, there's some nasty people out there. Thank you very much for having me.”
“It's the neighborly thing to do.” She smiles. “Another coffee?”
Aaron looks down into his almost finished mug. “Yes, please.”
“Coming up.”
She seems pretty...nice. Aaron knows that it means nothing for someone to be nice when they don't know who you are. But at least now he can sort of see why Javier is so scared of losing his family. Despite being a bit older than Aaron, Javier still lives with his foster parents, is still cared for by them, and has a reasonably good life. It may be a life of denial, but it is easy and safe. And along comes Aaron, they fall for each other, and everything stands to be messed up. He wouldn't exactly be happy either.
But he feels something for Javier. Something new and strong and meaningful. And it seems as though Javier feels the same way. Were he in Javier's shoes, he would take the plunge. But he isn't.
“I think I could use a bit of fresh air,” Aaron says, glancing at Javier.
“You don't know the area. You could get lost,” Javier says. “Maybe after breakfast?”
“I'm actually feeling a bit sick,” Aaron insists.
Javier does not take the hint. “And you're scared of the big bad suburbs?”
“I can finish breakfast,” Javier's mother interjects. “I think your friend wants to talk to you about something.”
Aaron blushes a little. “Thank you.” He waits and drinks his second coffee as Javier disappears upstairs to get dressed. He wants to make small talk with Javier's mother, but nothing seems to come naturally, so they just sit in silence, her reading a magazine and him scrolling through various websites on his phone. He's thankful when Javier is ready to go.
Walking down the sidewalk, Aaron looks around. This really is a nice suburb. One of the sort he's mostly seen on TV, where all the rich kids from school come from. The houses are lovely pastel colors, the lawns and hedges are impeccable, and even though the main earners are almost certainly at work, there is still at least one expensive-looking car in every garage.
“So...” Javier begins. “I suppose this is about you getting drunk, and why.”
Aaron nods. “Is it okay to talk out here?”
“Just walk and talk. Then the gossips won't get anything serious,” Javier replies, waving at an older lady who is hanging up a birdfeeder.
“I... I really do like you.”
“I figured, and I kind of like you too,” Javier replies with a slight sigh.
“Yeah and...do you believe in love at first sight?” he continues.
“I didn't.”
“But now?”
“I do,” Javier confesses after a pause.
“I do too. Now.” Aaron sighs.
Javier sighs too. There is a moment of tense silence as they continue walking toward the end of the street. “This can never work,” Javier adds.
“Why not, though?” Aaron asks. “Maybe not now, but surely some time, in the future, you will be able to. You can't let this hold you down forever.”
“But it isn't fair on you to keep you holding out for me when it may take decades to get there,” Javier replies.
“Decades?” Aaron pauses and draws a deep breath. He doesn't like confrontation, but this is a different situation. “Javier, don't let it take that long. Coming out for me... It wasn't easy. But it was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. My parents had no idea until I was at college. They just thought I was too skinny and shy to get a girlfriend. So many guys at high school used to bully me and I never said anything because I didn't want my teachers to know I was actually gay. It hurt at first, and I went through a lot, most of it with people who I thought were on my side. But now I'm free. And I'm not going to have to waste a single year more of my life on a lie.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, but it isn't the same, Aaron,” Javier replies. “Lovers come and go, but family is forever. My biological mother will always be my mother in some way, even though I cannot remember her face. And my foster parents are my parents too. And always will be.”
Aaron pauses. “You know the saying, though?”
Javier sighs. “Yes, that in the community we choose our own family. But Aaron, they chose me. I... I'm not gonna disappoint them. I'm not gonna lose another family.”
“Then...maybe we can date in secret?” Aaron suggests. “Just see where it goes. Maybe someday you will be ready. Or maybe this won't work out and we can break up and you can move back into the closet and make your parents happy.”
“I'm not dating you with that attitude,” Javier replies.
“Sorry.” Aaron blushes. “It was meant as a joke. But...you'll think about it?”
Javier smirks. “My skin isn't so thin. And yeah, I'll think about it.”
They keep walking in silence for a few minutes and Aaron steps closer to Javier, as close as they can get without actually holding hands, and looks around as they walk. This is what he wants from the future. To marry a dark, handsome, bold man, move into a nice suburban house, have three or four pets and two kids, and to walk around the quiet streets every afternoon, talking about the kids, their day at work, and the future. He isn't sure if Javier will be the one for sure, but for now he definitely is.
“What if I were to come out to your parents?” Aaron asks.
Javier literally stops on the spot and stares at Aaron with a look of abject terror. “Why would you even do that?” he whispers angrily.
Aaron shrugs. “Walk and talk.”
Javier takes a deep breath, nods, and they carry on walking. “Why would you, though? If they think we're just straight friends then we can see each other, spend the night with each other, they wouldn't think a thing. But if they know you're gay they're bound to start wondering.”
“Javier, I'm already out. They would find out sooner or later and it would look a lot more suspicious if they discover we were hiding my sexuality for them, wouldn't it? And if they react too strongly...then we both know. Then I will know I am not welcome, and you will know what your options are. Think of me as the canary in the mine,” Aaron says.
Javier glances at him. “I suppose you're right. It's worth a shot. But I never knew, okay?”
Aaron nods. “Or... Maybe you could say I confessed to you? Ask your mother for advice? Then you could see how she reacts.”
Javier nods back. “Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's do this.”
Walking back in through the door there is some serious tension in the air. Javier is petrified. That much is obvious. But Aaron feels confident that his idea is a great one. If Javier's parents are hostile, then Aaron knows he wants nothing to do with that family. Love will come again. Hopefully. But if they are welcoming, then there is room for Javier to come out too, and for them to explore these new and intense feelings they have for each other. He draws a deep breath.
“I'll talk to her,” Javier says, putting his hand in front of Aaron and stopping him from turning into the living room. “You wait in the kitchen.”
Aaron nods. “Sure thing.” He turns around on his heels and, with a reassuring glance back toward Javier, he walks into their kitchen and sits on one of the three bar stools by the window. He needs this to work.
Barely ten minutes pass, but each one feels like an hour. Aaron wonders what is being said, and how much it will affect him if they can't even try and go out, if there is literally no chance. But, at the end of the day, Javier puts family first, so it will all come down to this.
Aaron tries to talk himself down as he waits, tries to tell himself that he will feel this for someone again, that he is young, that life is full of possibility. But he finds it so hard to believe right now.
After the eternal ten minutes end, he hears the murmuring stop and some steps moving across the hall. He holds his breath and braces himself.
“I just wanted to say I am so proud of you for coming out to Javi,” Javier's mother says. “I know it was a tough thing to do.”
“You're not angry?” Aaron asks nervously.
“It has raised some questions for me, in my faith, but that's something personal to me. I know it is who you are and that is fine.” She smiles.
“And it's okay if Javier and I are still friends?” Aaron tests.
Javier nods and smiles. “Yes. She even called my father and they both think it is important for me to understand the world beyond what I was raised in.”
Aaron could almost burst out laughing at that. If only they knew how much of this world their son already understood! But he tenses his face in an effort to remain stern, and hopes whatever weird expression he is wearing comes across as emotion.
“Now, about your clothes,” Javier's mother begins. “You are really going to need a shower and a change, and you two are about the same size.”
“Actually, I was thinking I ought to get home. I have some house plants to water and some books to collect for college later,” Aaron replies, hoping that at least this time Javier will pick up on the hint.
He does.
“Yeah, I'll drive him back to his place, make sure he gets home safely,” he continues.
“Before breakfast?” Javier's mother asks.
As if on cue, Aaron's stomach gurgles. “After breakfast,” he replies. “If that's okay.”
“Well, we made it for you,” Javier's mother replies.
Breakfast is a little tense, a little awkward. Aaron can tell that there are things not being said so as to protect him, things being thought about that need more time. But there is no hatred. No vitriol. No abuse. Just confusion. Which is not a good place to start, but there are definitely worse places.
The awkward silence and small talk continues all the way into Javier's car and halfway down the drive. Javier checks his rearview mirror one last time, peeks at his phone as though to make sure he is not in the middle of a forgotten call, and takes a deep breath. “I think I, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't believe a lot of today, and–”
“You think you what?” Aaron asks expectantly. He knows what's coming. Or at least he hopes he does.
“I think I wanna come out,” Javier says quickly, as though ripping off a band aid.