Leaving Audrey the night before took every ounce of self-control. Her wily hips worked my dick into a feverish pitch. Hell if I barely survived the ride home without pulling to the side of the road to finish what her sexy body started.

After a hot shower, I sleep like a fucking baby. Audrey manages to both wind me up and break me down until I’m more relaxed than I’ve been in my life.

I wake up to an empty house and head to breakfast where I know my family is already eating.

Like most mornings, I find my parents sitting side by side at the counter. Mom’s blonde hair was recently cut short to around her shoulders. She decided to do something different on her last birthday, claiming she officially felt like an old fart. The shorter cut was her attempt to embrace her age. Today, despite the cold weather, she wears a backless halter top and cutoff shorts. She clearly bored with embracing her old-fart phase.

“Well if it isn’t ‘Angel in the Morning’ over here,” Chipper says, smirking at me from his booth.

Sitting nearby, his dark-haired twin sister begins singing the song he mentioned. Chipper and Cricket are so excited to tease me that I’m forced to wait two full minutes before asking why my sister is back in town early.

“I heard you found a woman worthy of your third wing.”

Unimpressed by her joke attempt, Chipper shakes his head. “A swing and a miss.”

Cricket and Chipper—aka the OG twins—share a laugh while the mini-twins—belonging to Cricket and Poet—watch me from their spot across from their mother.

“What?” I ask the ten-year-olds when they stare at me.

“Nothing,” they mumble in unison because they’re weirdoes.

“I heard your woman is a biker bitch,” Poet says.

My dark-haired brother-in-law is often referred to as a dirty biker with solid hygiene. I don’t know precisely why we call him dirty, but he doesn’t care, and I refuse to be the only one not to torment him.

“Audrey’s dad is a biker,” I clarify, “and she’s a bitch, but I don’t think that makes her a biker bitch.”

“She rode down here on a personalized Harley,” Dad says without looking at us. “I think that makes her a biker bitch.”

Sitting in my corner booth, I study the menu as if I won’t order the same thing I’ve gotten for a year. “Yeah, but the Harley is pink.”

“Angel-bro has a point,” Cricket says while cooing over her six-month-old son, Magnus, drooling in his stroller. “Pink isn’t a tough color.”

Ignoring her comment, I eye my siblings and their separate trio of kids. The OG twins never stopped sharing a brain despite them being thirty-year-old parents. The mini-twins are pre-teens and possibly evil. The Irish twins cling to their mama, forever worried she won’t love them as much since the newer, cuter kid who recently joined the family. My in-laws are both incredibly tolerant of our White Horse snark. Could Audrey fit as comfortably into this family as Poet and Tatum?

“Dad, when you met Mom, did she ever try to end things or put up walls with you?”

“No,” he says without looking at me. “Your mom was submissive from day one.”

Glancing at Mom, I ask, “Did Dad ever give you trouble about having a relationship?”

“No, honey. Your dad was wrapped around my finger from the first time we met. I swear he even ejaculated a little when I entered the room. He was just that into me.”

Dad gives Mom a side-glare. “Classy, Candy.”

“Shut the fuck up, Hayes.”

As my parents grin at each other, I turn to my siblings and hope they’re more helpful. I open my mouth to ask Chipper, but he shakes off the question.

“Love at first sight right here, angel-bro. Sorry that I can’t give you any advice. However, if you want me to help you track down this girl and make her your willing victim, I’ll check my calendar.”

“How about you, Cricket?”

“I’m breastfeeding right now, so trapping a sex slave sounds like more work than my leaking boobs can handle. Maybe Poet can help you.”

“No,” Poet says immediately while Chipper stares horrified at Cricket and her leaking boobs. “Sorry, kid, but I’m too soft to enslave a woman. Now if you need me to help you mess up a man for any reason, I’ll have your back.”

“I’m not interested in keeping a woman against her will.”

“Pussy,” Chipper says, and Tatum grins.

“I blame you for making him soft,” Dad whispers to Mom.

“I raised him to be evil,” she whispers back. “I don’t know where he got all these morals from.”

I ignore my parents and keep my gaze focused on my brother-in-law. “Cricket blew you off in the beginning. How did you make her see the error of her ways?”

“I’m never wrong,” Cricket says with a mouth full of waffle. “I never error.”

Poet frowns at her, but I think he’s more annoyed she’s dropping food out of her smiling mouth.

“So how did you get her back?” I ask again.

“Is that a real question?” Poet mutters, and I fight the urge to flip him off. When I nod, he sighs. “I knocked her up with twins.”

“And now that your relationship has gotten stale, you knocked her up again,” Chipper says. “Very interesting game plan, Mister Banjo.”

“It’s not stale!” Cricket cries, ignoring me now. “Poet and I have never been more in love.”

“Prove it by having sex right here in front of everyone,” Chipper taunts.

“No!” the mini-twins yell. Murphy points at his uncle and nearly hisses, “No.”

When my family focuses on the irritated mini-twins, I sigh loudly. “None of you are helping me in any fucking way.”

“Oh, sweet angel,” Cricket coos and I steel myself for her bullshit, “you don’t need our help. You’re simply the most wonderful mortal man ever to walk this earth. If you want this girl to love you, she shall love you. If you require her to sacrifice everything for you, she will gladly burn down her life to make yours better. So you wish it, so it shall be done.”

Chipper starts clapping, and the others quickly join in. Even my parents stop flirting with each other long enough to applaud. My father’s giant hands make a noise so loud that Magnus flinches, glances around horrified, and finally lets out a howl so pathetic any wounded animal would be impressed.

Suddenly, the world revolves around getting the kid to shut up. Poet tries talking to his son. The mini-twins try singing to him. When all else fails, Cricket sticks her boob in his mouth.

The silence has a sedative effect on the group, and we eat our breakfast without speaking. I consider my sister’s inspiring words. Sure, she’s fucking with me, but there’s truth to her bullshit. If I want Audrey Johansson, she shall be mine.

And I’ve never wanted anything more.