Mom makes a big show of sizing up Audrey when they meet in the kitchen. I don’t know where Dad is in the house, but DB sits between my parents’ recliners, meaning he thinks they’ll be chilling soon.

My little diva and my big mama say nothing for what feels like a minute. Finally, Mom pats Audrey’s head.

“I won’t mind looking at your face every day.”

“I feel the same about yours.”

“Do you like gardening?”

“No.”

“I have to go outside and check on my greenhouse. Do you want to come with me?”

Audrey looks to me for the answer. “No,” I tell Mom. “Audrey and cold weather don’t mix.”

“I remember reading somewhere how tiny people have trouble retaining heat.”

Grinning, I watch Mom slide on her brown parka jacket and open the back sliding glass doors. DB ditches his nap and joins her outside. Once the door closes, I smile at Audrey.

“She likes you.”

“How do you figure?”

“If she interrogated you, that would mean she wasn’t happy with what she saw.”

“Oh, okay.”

Hugging her against me, I wish I could kiss away her worries, but she’s a grown woman, and I’m not a miracle worker. Besides, her biggest challenge was never going to be my parents. No, that distinction goes to my big sister who arrives with the whole gang twenty minutes later while I’m checking the casserole Mom has in the oven.

“Casper Cherub Hayes, tell me this is a joke,” Cricket says, after entering the house with great vigor and taking a look at Audrey.

“What now?” I ask.

“Do you want to explain how out of all the women in the world, you picked a hobbit to bang?”

Audrey jumps down from the bar stool. “Hey, I’m not a hobbit.”

“She’s right,” I say, standing next to her. “Don’t hobbits have hairy feet?”

“I don’t know,” Cricket says while removing her jacket and scarf. “Chip?”

My brother hangs up his coat and walks toward me. “Yes, they do.”

“Then Audrey isn’t a hobbit,” I state.

“That’s how you know?” she cries at me. “What the hell?”

“She’s a loudmouthed little thing,” Cricket says with a snarky smile. “Well, she’d have to be with her itty-bitty body. Might just miss her altogether if she didn’t talk so loud.”

“Cricket,” Poet mutters before handing her Magnus, “you’re being obnoxious.”

My sister tugs her husband down so she can whisper in his ear. Whatever she says, he responds by nodding. “We’ll bury the body then.”

Cricket grins at his response while Poet steps up to Audrey.

“Ignore her. She’s very protective of her baby brother and would give any woman shit for dating him.”

Snorting, Cricket grumbles, “I was always very nice to Keanu.”

“Funny,” I mutter, flipping her off.

She lifts her baby’s fist and waves it at me. “Your nephew is flipping you off, so there.”

“I’m Poet,” my brother-in-law says to a seething Audrey.

“Is that your real name or your biker name?”

“My real name is Felix.”

Audrey immediately nods. “Oh, I get it now.”

“Ooh, burn!” Chipper says and high-fives Cricket. They laugh at Poet who rolls his eyes. Audrey realizes she’s started something and tries to explain how she hadn’t meant anything negative.

“Poor sweet Felix, the hobbit nailed you so painfully hard that I ought to be jealous,” Cricket says, giggling wildly. “But I’m not. I’m more proud of her for standing up to such a tall, sexy bastard like you.”

Poet tries to steal back the baby, but Cricket hurries away and down the hall. Chipper takes up the spot where his twin sister stood.

“Don’t feel bad, Audrey,” he says, leaning forward dramatically as if speaking to a child. “Cricket was very nasty to my beautiful wife, Tatum, when they first met. Now they’re the best of friends.”

“Really?” Audrey asks me.

“No, they got along immediately but currently hate each other.”

Tatum sits on the couch with Sierra and Mesa. “Hate is a strong word.”

“I heard that!” Cricket yells from somewhere near the garage as she continues to flee from a still chasing Poet.

“Audrey, sit down and talk to us like normal people,” Tatum says, gesturing toward a chair.

“As compared to how hobbits talk?” Audrey asks.

Chipper shakes his head and frowns at me. “I don’t like her. She’s too strong-willed. I prefer weak women. They mesh better with the family.”

“Are you being sarcastic?” Tatum asks as he joins her on the couch.

“Of course. Did I not sell that?”

“No,” I say, shooting him a dirty look despite my amusement.

“Sorry, but Sierra was up all night teething, and Tatum forced me to take care of our child. It was horrible.”

Tatum rolls her eyes. “You played blocks for a half hour, and she went back to sleep.”

“Just horrible,” Chipper says, leaning over to kiss the baby’s blonde head.

I whisper to Audrey, “See how you don’t even need to be in the room? They’ll just keep talking and talking.”

Glaring up at me, she shakes her head. “A hobbit? Are you fucking kidding me with that?”

“Calling you a dwarf or little person would be insensitive. Hobbit is much more politically correct.”

“It’s not funny.”

Grinning at her irate expression, I mention, “Your brother tried to beat me up when I met him. I’d say you’re doing vastly better with my family.”

Audrey’s frown eases. “And no one’s crying yet, so that’s another step in the right direction.”

“Or talking about incompatible anatomy,” I whisper, taking her hand and walking to a chair. “So, Audrey, these are two of my nieces. Sierra is the slobbering one. Mesa is the booger eater.”

“You eat boogers!” Mesa cries, pointing at me. “You love them.”

“You put them in ice cream and cake.”

“You put them on pizza.”

Cricket appears from the back hallway to announce, “Can we just accept you’re both disgusting freaks who love boogers?”

“Where’s Magnus?” I ask.

“Poet stole him. He’s always thieving my child from me. I should probably punish him by withholding sex, but he's just so hot.”

“He is hot,” Mesa says, and everyone frowns at Cricket.

“Is she wrong?” Cricket asks. “No, so let it go.”

“Where’s Ridge?” I ask Tatum.

“He saw Candy and DB outside when we arrived, so he decided to stay with them.”

“My nephew is very handsome and doesn’t eat boogers at all,” I tell Audrey who grins.

“You eat them,” Mesa mumbles under her breath.

“You eat them with syrup.”

Mesa finds this hilarious for whatever reason. Laughing now, she crawls into Chipper's lap.

“Can we have pancakes?”

“Yes, tomorrow at breakfast, you can have pancakes but no boogers.”

“I want them for dinner.”

“We’re eating a casserole for dinner,” I announce.

Looking worried, Chipper asks, “What kind of casserole?”

“A booger one,” I say, and Mesa gives me a fist in the air.

“Since having children flip people off is just so low class,” I explain to Audrey, “we teach them to flash a fist in the air. It makes them seem like they’re sticking it to the man and being revolutionary when in reality they're just low class.”

Audrey looks ready to respond until Cricket kneels next to our chair and studies us.

“She’s got great hair,” Cricket says and leans closer. “Full lips and thick lashes. Seems healthy.”

“I take all my vitamins,” Audrey replies. “Do you want to check my teeth?”

“Not right now. Wait, do you get five to thirteen servings of fruits and vegetables a day?”

“Gross, no.”

“Good to hear. We can’t have any weirdoes in this family,” Cricket says, walking over and wiggling her ass to fit between Chipper and Tatum. “I support this union between White Horse angelic royalty and Kentucky biker trash.”

“Hey!” Audrey nearly yells. “Don’t talk about my family like that.”

Cricket’s eyes widen. A moment passes before she and Chipper burst into laughter and Tatum rolls her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Samwise Gamgee,” Cricket says between giggles. “No need to cry there, little fella.”

“I’m going to kick your ass if you don’t stop calling me a hobbit.”

“And I’m going to let you kick my ass because Cap would be inconsolable if his tiny love interest were to be bitch-slapped into silence.”

“Ladies,” Chipper says, putting up his hands while Mesa mimics him, “can’t we agree we’re all right and no one is wrong? That way, we’re all winners.”

“Family doesn’t fight with each other,” Audrey says, still glaring at Cricket. “They take out their frustrations on strangers.”

Hugging Audrey against me, I smile at my siblings. “She could kick your ass if she wanted to, Cricket.”

“Doubtful, but as a peace offering, I will permit Audrey to choose any of my shoes for her to use as a bed.”

Audrey takes an aggressive step toward her, making Cricket nearly choke on her laughter. I think to step in between the dueling women, but I’m not their father, and they’ll need to iron shit out on their own. Plus, I’m a little curious on who would win in a fight.

“Knock that shit off,” Dad growls from the garage hallway. “I can hear you idiots from outside.”

“I think you’re lying,” Chipper says as our father appears with the mini-twins at his side. “You were too far away, and there are too many walls. No way you heard unless you turned up your hearing aid.”

Cricket has just caught her breath when Chipper sends her back into giggling hysteria. Fighting to breathe, she points at Dad and shakes her head.

“I hope you’re happy,” he tells Chipper. “You’ve killed your sister.”

“Not cool,” Murphy growls at his uncle.

“Right, as if you’ve never wanted to kill Minnow before.”

The mini-twins eye one another, consider going into distrust mode before deciding they’d prefer to remain allies.

“Peepaw took us golfing,” Minnow tells me. “Who is the girl?”

“My girlfriend, Audrey.”

“Is she legal?”

Audrey throws her arms in the air and stomps out of the room. The fact that we’re all high-fiving Minnow for her snark likely makes the situation worse.

“Peepaw told me to say that,” she admits while following him into the kitchen.

Nodding, Dad opens the fridge. “I considered mentioning Audrey’s height, but that seemed too easy.”

We all glance at a red-faced but very much alive Cricket. Returning our gazes to Dad, we find him handing juice boxes to the mini-twins. Mesa runs over to get one too.

“Is she done for the night?” Dad asks me.

“No. She’ll stew in her rage for a few minutes before deciding she won’t be intimidated by us Tennessee trash.”

“Good. We need help eating the casserole your mom made. It’s a recipe from Bianca Bella, so you know it’ll have weird shit in it.”

“Nothing weird,” Mom announces from the back hallway. “It’s just pasta and chicken.”

“And boogers?” I ask, glancing back at Mesa who carries a drink to Ridge.

“You love them!” my niece yells. “The crunchier, the better!”

“Hurtful, kid. So, so hurtful,” I say, pretending to cry behind my hands.

Mesa runs to me, laughing at my drama. She lifts her arms, wanting a hug. I give her one and turn to find Audrey returning to the room.

“She made me cry,” I tell Audrey.

“Family isn’t always a picnic.”

Audrey inches into the kitchen and looks over the assorted people. Deciding Tatum is the least intimidating; she walks to where my sister-in-law sits.

“They’re full of poop,” Tatum announces. “If they treated you with kid gloves, it would mean you’re an outsider. Just remember that when they say something that makes you want to punch them in the face.”

“My breezy is a pacifist,” Chipper murmurs and kisses Tatum’s hand.

They share a smile, and Audrey glances at me. Despite Mesa hanging upside down from my arms, I only have eyes for my girl. I stare into her beautiful eyes long after Mesa bores of me and wanders off to play with her brother and cousins.

“How did the mini-twins do today?” Cricket asks Dad as soon as the older children escape to the backyard with Mom who flips us off when we collectively wave at her.

“Minnow might be the worst golfer I’ve ever seen, and Murphy uses his club as a guitar. They still whine less than their mother.”

“Daddy, I have feelings, you know?” she says, nuzzling him. “I mean, what the fuck?”

Grinning, he tugs at her hair. “What do you think of Cap’s woman?”

Audrey gasps and frowns at me. Shrugging, I walk to the couch and try to sit between her and Tatum but my ass is too big, and I nearly kill Sierra.

“Geez, angel-bro, don’t squish my wife and baby daughter,” Chipper says, shoving me off. “Move to the chair and have her sit on you.”

I take his suggestion and walk to Mom’s chair. Audrey leaves Tatum’s side and joins me. I smile at how stubborn she looks when settling onto my lap. These people will NOT keep her from enjoying my company!

“When will your father bless us with his growling presence?” Dad asks Audrey.

“You growl too.”

Tilting his head, Dad frowns. “I feel as if you’re making some kind of point, but I’m just not seeing it.”

When Audrey only shares his frown, Dad walks to his recliner and sits down. “I offered to take Johansson golfing once, but he said he wasn’t old enough. I wonder if he’ll reconsider now that he’s pushing fifty.”

“My pop doesn’t golf.”

“Poor fucker,” Dad says and focuses his gaze on where Mom runs past the back door with screaming kids chasing her. “They’d be smart not to catch their meemaw.”

“So this is what you do together?” Audrey asks.

“As long as we’re not drunk,” Cricket says, likely realizing she hasn’t spoken in a while. “Booze means naked Twister and charades.”

“I don’t want to see you people naked.”

When everyone laughs at Audrey’s comment, she immediately turns to me to see if I’m also laughing. I only smile, though, because I’m more focused on how her wiggling ass awoke my dick.

“Audrey,” Cricket says as Poet returns to the room with Magnus. My sister pauses while her hubby rests the baby on the floor where he reaches for soft blocks. Soon, Sierra joins her cousin, and I realize they’re wearing the same outfit.

“What was I saying?” Cricket asks once Poet joins her.

“You said my name.”

“I thought we could have a girls’ day at the spa and get to know each other better.”

“You and me?”

“We can bring Tatum if you need someone to act as a buffer between us bitches.”

“I can be a bitch too,” Tatum says.

The group immediately shakes their heads and mumbles, “No.”

Chipper kisses his wife’s cheek and whispers condolences. Cricket also throws the blonde some love by patting her leg.

“We can get our hair done, gossip about the locals, and bond as sisters.”

“I already have two sisters.”

“I don’t. Why won’t you let me be your sister, Audrey? Is it because you have to look up to make eye contact with me?”

Audrey narrows her gaze but then nods. “Sure. I’ll go.”

“I feel as if she might kill you,” Chipper whispers loudly.

“No, she knows Cap would cry if I died,” Cricket whispers loudly back. “And no woman finds a crying man sexy.”

Cricket looks at me, holds my gaze until she’s certain I only see her, and then she gives me an over-the-top wink. I chuckle at her attempt at subtlety. Audrey blinks a few times and then relaxes against me.

As the conversation turns to the babies slobbering on each other, Audrey leans down to whisper in my ear. “Cricket is your family’s Rando, and Tatum is your Lily. So which one is Colton?”

“Chipper doesn’t fuck everything in sight, but he’s a jerk with a solid right hook.”

A smiling Audrey kisses me, having settled into my family by understanding her role as Audrey with the Hayes clan will be quite similar to the one she plays with the Johanssons.