Cooper skips dessert even though Dad promises the apple pie is fucking fantastic. Audrey suggests she might want to try it, but her father is officially done playing nice. He throws cash down on the table before picking it back up.

“You can pay for the fucking meal,” he growls at Dad.

“Hey, pal,” Dad says, fighting a smile, “if your finances are fucking tight, considered the meal comped.”

“Asshole.”

Cooper takes Audrey by the arm and storms out of the restaurant while Dad grins like the asshole I love.

“Was there a secret business deal at all?” I ask while moving to the opposite side of the table.

“No, we watched episodes of ‘Gunsmoke’ in my office.”

“Cozy.”

Dad flicks a corn kernel at me. “I got you a girl, and all you give me in return is smack talk. Who raised you to be this fucking way?”

“I’ll be nice and blame Mom.”

“Yeah, she does love good snark,” Dad says and stretches his long arms in the air. “I think you got the best of the bunch with Audrey. Cooper made the other two sound pretty fucking awful.”

“What kind of dick trashes his kids?”

“Is that a shot at me, twat nugget?”

Cocking an eyebrow, I ask, “When do you trash me?”

“No, I mock the twins. I’ve gotten to calling Cricket ‘The Nutty Professor’ whenever she comes up with one of her big ideas.”

“She has good ideas, though.”

“She’s still nuts.”

“True, but I meant Cooper trashing his kids.”

“He put the best spin on them. The oldest is a boring nerd, and the middle one is a weirdo. You know my policy on nerds, and I’m already drowning in weirdoes. Shit, the mini-twins are devising evil plots to take over White Horse from its current dictator.”

“I don’t think they will actually kill you,” I say, fighting a smile.

“I don’t know. Murphy’s got a vibe about him. I think he’d be willing to murder me, but he’d also have to kill his mom, and she’s got the twins wrapped around her nutty finger. Wait, what the fuck were we talking about before the evil twins?”

“I don’t think they’re evil. They’re just preteens, meaning they’re pre-evil if anything.”

“Funny shit, fucker,” Dad says and tosses his napkin on the empty plate.

“Audrey is something special. You did right by setting this thing up.”

Dad smirks. “I also got to piss off Johansson, which was a huge fucking bonus.”

“His reaction is stupid bizarre. What the fuck did he think would happen once Audrey got a load of me?”

“He expected you to woo her,” Dad says and then lets out a rumbling laugh. “Show up in Ellsberg with flowers and chocolates and write her poetry until she said yes to a date. Then you’d slowly win her heart with big romantic gestures. Finally, you’d pop the question, after asking his permission first of course, and he’d allow you to take his princess to White Horse.”

“So he always understood how I wasn’t moving there.”

“He isn’t dumb despite his blond hair.”

“I’m telling Mom,” I taunt, patting my full gut.

“She knows Cooper has blond hair.”

Grinning at his deflection, I lean back and mimic him when I clasp my hands behind my head. “Audrey isn’t happy in Ellsberg. She lacks a purpose. As the baby of the family, she feels like the surplus kid. I can’t imagine how that feels since I’m so fucking cherished by my parents and siblings.”

Dad studies me before smiling a little. “Grandpa Baltazar thought you were an angel. He believed you were a Nephilim or some shit. Basically, an angel banged my mom and made me, but I came out evil or wrong. I can’t remember his exact thought process because he was so fucking old and senile by that point. I do remember him thinking you were the result of angels perfecting the system.”

“Angel or not, I’m beloved, and that’s why I chill in life. Audrey is a restless spirit in need of my presence to settle her down.”

“A good fuck will fix a lot of her issues,” Dad says, nodding as if he’s shared something very wise.

“I’ll mention that to Cooper when I see him tomorrow.”

Dad breaks into roaring laughter so loud nearby people flinch. “Shit, boy, I’ll give you a c-note if you say it. The guy’s rage is fucking hilarious. One time, he got so pissed about some perceived slight by another club that he raged for an hour. I nearly pissed myself laughing at his Hulk-impression.”

Dad laughs long after our pie arrives. Every time I think he’s gotten the amusement out of his system, he’ll remember something Cooper did when pissed and his laughter returns. Despite grinning at his enjoyment, I find myself reflecting on Audrey, her pouty lips, and stubborn nature. I’m unconcerned about her father changing her mind. In fact, the more he tells her no, the faster she’ll tell me yes.