Audrey says about five words during the entire dinner. Not that she could say more if she wanted. The mini-twins won’t shut up about how people are scared of Peepaw, and they think it’s because he’s tall. Cricket says people are reacting to his smell, so the kids sniff their grandfather off and on all evening.

Halfway through dinner, both babies decide the world is coming to an end, and they must alert everyone by screaming at the top of their lungs. Chipper and Poet carry the wailing slobber-machines while their wives eat. Then the couples switch places. Through the festival of baby-crying, Audrey stares horrified by the noise.

“Was it really so quiet at your house during family dinners?” I whisper when she looks ready to bolt for the door.

“None of our burpings arose to the level of what’s happening here.”

“Amateurs. Shit, Cricket once burped so loudly when we were at a hotel that the people in the next room called the police.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. They were stupid and thought her burp was a gun going off.”

“That’s a pretty loud burp.”

“Chipper burps louder on a regular basis, but no one’s ever called the cops.”

“Misogyny at its worst,” Audrey says, smirking.

Sharing her smile, I decide to join Mom in the kitchen while she preps the chocolate cake she made earlier.

“This looks like something from a store,” I say, and my mother smiles sweetly.

“Are you accusing me of something, my darling cherub?”

“Never.”

Smiling wider, she brings the ice cream while I carry the cake. Stuck with a five-year-old on his lap, Dad looks over Ridge’s head to see the dessert, but the boy distracts him with a story about how Bianca Bella won’t eats muffin bottoms.

“It’s my job to eat them for her,” he says to his peepaw.

“You’ve been duped, kid.”

“What’s that mean?”

Before Dad can answer, Cricket says, “It means Aunt Bianca Bella loves you the most.”

Ridge looks suspicious of his mom’s comment, but he gets no help from his peepaw who only wants cake and ice cream.

“Eat up,” Tatum says and directs Ridge back into his own chair. “We ought to get home soon so I can get your sister to sleep.”

“Babies can’t eat cake,” Ridge tells me.

“That’s why they cry so much.”

Ridge laughs hysterically at this thought. Grinning, I enjoy my cake and feed Audrey a few bites despite her saying no.

“You need to keep your energy up for tonight,” I whisper and give her a wink.

Audrey glances around nervously as if worried someone will know we’re sexually active. I only smile at her expression. She’ll learn quickly enough how my family doesn’t believe in filters—about anything.

Tatum and Chipper leave before I finish my cake. Cricket and Poet are out the door swiftly after even though the mini-twins are suddenly very attached to their peepaw. They go as far as asking to sleep over, but I tell them Audrey doesn’t like them and needs the house to herself.

“Great,” she mutters, watching the now leery preteens eyeing her as they walk out of the house. “Now they hate me.”

“They’re hormonal and would hate you sooner or later anyway. This way, you hated them first. Look at you being the winner.”

“Your family is complicated and insane.”

“Say that louder next time,” Mom grumbles while dropping into her recliner. “I cooked all day, and your father exhausted himself sitting on his ass at work. We need rest. You two can handle the dishes.”

“It’ll be our pleasure,” I say, gesturing for Audrey to join me. “We’re here to help.”

“We do live rent-free,” Audrey points out, and I catch Dad smirk from his recliner next to Mom’s.

“I’ll wash. You put them in the dishwasher to wash them again.”

Nodding, Audrey glances back at my parents, both with their feet up while watching TV. “What happens now? I mean after the dishes.”

“We can hang out and watch a movie with my parents or,” I say, stressing the last word, “we can go to my room and watch a movie.”

“Don’t you want me to get to know them better?”

“You live here, Audrey. By next week, you’ll know more about my parents than you know about your own.”

“How do you figure?”

“My parents don’t close the doors when they shit or fuck or have loud conversations about other people in the house. They figure if we don’t want to hear it then it’s on us to shut our doors.”

“I’ll be careful about where I look then.”

“They fuck and shit on their side of the house, so you should be able to dodge those two acts. No avoiding the loud talking thing, though.”

Audrey nods again and keeps nodding for a bit too long. I suspect the stress of moving day has officially fried her brain. I finish up the dishes and pack up the few leftovers for the fridge.

“We’ll be in my room,” I tell Mom and Dad.

“We’ll be here,” Dad says without looking at us. “If you get scared or your dick gets stuck, call 911 because we can’t help you.”

Chuckling at his bullshit, I take Audrey’s hand and walk down the hallway to my room where I shut and lock the door.

“We’re finally alone again,” I announce dramatically. “Clothes are optional.”

“Want to calm my nerves by fucking me?” Audrey asks and bends over. “I have a hole you can fill.”

Gently slapping her sweet ass, I topple onto the bed. “Do you really want to limp on your first day at your new job tomorrow?”

Audrey crawls onto the bed and cuddles next to me. “I feel like the odd man out in your house.”

“You seemed to feel that way in your house too.”

“Shut up,” she growls, pinching my arm. Sighing, she rubs where she pinched. “No, you’re right. Why am I always on the outside? I love my family so much especially my parents. They’re the best, but I feel like I have to prove myself to them and then I’m sure I’ve failed. I’m a freak.”

“That’s why I love you. Normal people exhaust me.”

Snuggling closer, Audrey grins. “I’m on the fence about whether Cricket sucks. Tatum is too nice. Chipper refuses to make eye contact with me. Poet looks miserable, and I think he’s unhappy in his marriage. The older twins are odd. The younger twins aren’t really twins, and I have no thoughts about them. And the baby twins, who also aren’t twins, blew out my eardrums. Oh, and your mother doesn’t like me, and your father never liked me.”

“Let’s see. Cricket does suck, but she’s also loyal and fun. Tatum is too quiet, but she gets wild when drunk. Chipper doesn’t make eye contact because he likes making people uncomfortable. Come to think of it, maybe he’s Rando too. So then you mentioned Poet. No to him being miserable. Yes to him being obsessively in love with Cricket. He just rarely gets a full night’ sleep because of Magnus, so he looks miserable. Plus, he plays the straight man to Cricket’s insanity, making him seem aggravated. What else did you say? Okay, the older twins are odd, but they’re teenagers, and we all were a little off at that age. The younger twins, who aren’t twins, are normal kids but will likely be odd when they get older. The cousin twins, who aren’t twins, cry because they’re babies and they can’t vocalize their wants besides screaming. My mother likes you as much as she can like a stranger who’s stolen her baby boy’s heart. My father doesn’t care one way or another about you until you’ve been around long enough for him to care. I was friends with Keanu for five years before Dad used his name correctly. Until then, he called him Keith.”

Laughing, Audrey sits up and takes my hand into her lap. “Is that true?”

“Yes, but you know what? That makes this the perfect family for you. No offense, Pip, but you’re temperamental, moody, insecure, bossy, weepy, and you have horrible fucking taste in music. Before you get your panties in a twist, hear me out. See, in a lot of families, you’d be the worst, and they’d barely tolerate you. In this family, you fit in by being an individual. Tatum is Tatum. She’s quiet, prone to tears, incredibly sweet and hardworking but also devious in certain circumstances. The best quality is her ability to love openly. She accepts her family for who they are. I think you can be that way too because you love Rando despite her weird ways and you love Colton despite his asshole ways, and you love Lily despite her boring ways. You love your growling father and your crying mother. If you’re open to the people in my family, you’ll learn to love them too. I know they’ll love you, and they won’t expect you to stop being a temperamental, moody, bossy bitch who punches boys she has a crush on.”

“Jerk,” she mutters, grinning from ear to ear. “Why didn’t you come to the room after I threw a fit and left?”

“Because my family would get the false impression that you're weak. I knew the same stubborn temper that made you storm out would make you storm back in. I know you, and I love what I know.”

“I’m a little nervous about tomorrow but mostly excited to get started on my new life.”

Running my fingers along her calf, I gaze up at her smiling face. “Every day, I want to take you somewhere new in White Horse. A shop or restaurant. We can go to the library or the park. I want you to know where things are, so you’re not reliant on me. That’ll be the second hardest part about living here. You’ve lived and breathed Ellsberg, and knowing it so well gave you power. I want you to feel that power here.”

“If that’s the second hardest, what’s the first?”

“Being away from your family.”

Audrey nods, and I suspect tears threaten her big brown eyes. “I texted Mom after I got mad at Cricket. Just said I loved her and hoped she had a good day at work. She sent me back a quick message about how proud she was of me. That’s how I got my ass back into the living room. I didn’t want to let Mom down by being a pussy hiding away.”

Caressing her cheek, I wish my dick didn’t twitch when she said “pussy.” I want to be the kind of man who rules his genitals, not the other way around. Poonhounds like Colton Johansson are lucky their dicks don’t rot off. Though I’m not that bad, I still can’t control the damn thing from getting hard at the slightest provocation from Audrey. The girl just makes me crazy.

“You want to play around?” she asks as if reading my mind.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Audrey giggles at my excited expression and then she yanks her shirt over her head. I let out a strangled noise, suddenly in pain from my dick expanding in too tight jeans. The next few seconds are spent with Audrey and me freeing ourselves from our pesky fucking clothes. The following few hours, though, is all about my naked body distracting Audrey from her homesickness and worries about a new job.