My father designed his house to suit a man of his above-average height. Having grown up in a place where tall made sense, I’m in no hurry to move out despite owning land nearby.

Having met Audrey, though, I feel inspired to dig out my house plans to give them a look.

“You met a girl,” Mom says from the kitchen as soon as I enter the house. “I hear she has big boobs and a bigger ass.”

“What the fuck?” I ask while she laughs next to my sister-in-law, Tatum.

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie,” Mom says, patting my cheek. “When you didn’t message me back with details, I came up with my own. Why, was I wrong about her ass?”

“She has a normal-sized ass and about average tits. I admit I didn’t measure them, so I’ll see if I can next time.”

My blonde mom leans casually against the kitchen counter and studies me with her dark brown eyes. She’s wearing a Mickey shirt from our family’s last visit to Disney World. The fair-haired and skinned Tatum got super sunburned on her shoulders during the trip and spent the last few days hiding in her room with Chipper. I ended up in charge of their older kids, Mesa and Ridge. That’s when I learned a fundamental lesson—fatherhood is pretty fucking easy.

“What’s Audrey like?” Tatum asks and walks into the living room with her six-month-old daughter, Sierra, on her hip.

“How did you know her name?”

“Your father told us,” Mom explains, joining me halfway between the kitchen and the living room. “He said you were drooling all over the fucking place after she showed up. The bastard expected me to drive over and help him mop up the mess, but I pretended to have a bad connection and hung up.”

“If I drooled, so be it. Audrey is a looker. She has an amazingly expressive face too. No way will she ever successfully lie to me.”

“That doesn’t seem fair,” Tatum says while watching Ridge and Mesa stare out the back windows as if outside is their long-lost love.

“That’s why she needs to fall for a man like me. I won’t take advantage of her weakness.”

“So you’re doing her a favor,” Mom says, walking to her large recliner and sitting with a sigh. “You always were such an angel.”

Grinning at my family’s running gag of my heavenly sweetness, I’m admittedly a super nice guy especially for a stone-cold killer.

“I wish I could keep Audrey in White Horse until she submits to my love and agrees to remain here forever.”

“Love?” Mom asks.

Shrugging, I search the fridge for much-needed calories. “For sure, I could love her. All I need is to spend more time with her to allow the smoldering fire in my chest to grow. That fire needs to be fed, or it’ll die out. With enough stimuli, though, the damn thing will burn down any obstacles in our way.”

“That’s sweet,” Tatum says, and I think about how she moved in with Chipper two days after meeting him. I need that kind of power with Audrey, but killing her entire family so she’ll be alone in the world feels like a step too far. Besides, Audrey no doubt has people in Ellsberg who would take her in. No, killing my way into her heart won’t work.

“Do you think Cooper Johansson would put up much of a fuss if I abducted his daughter for a while?”

“He seems bitchy,” Mom says before adding, “I’d guess he’d probably want her back.”

“So I have to do the normal dating crap like a normal person?”

“Apparently.”

“Seems like bullshit after Poet and Chip scored easy ins with their women.”

“Easy?” Tatum asks, giving me a disapproving frown. “My mom and best friend in the world died. How was that easy?”

“I meant for him. Don’t get riled up over this. Instead, help me win my girl so you’ll have a new sister-in-law.”

“What do I get out of having another one?”

“Audrey doesn’t seem to have much experience with kids. She’ll need you to take her under your wing when motherhood calls.”

“So I get to do more work,” Tatum mutters, still pissed about my “easy in” comment.

“You love babies.”

“I do, but I still feel as if you insulted me and now want to give me more work.”

Kneeling before her and dodging my niece’s slobber-covered hands, I reveal my most sincere expression. “I’m very sorry if I hurt you in any way, sweet Tatum.”

Chipper’s girl suffers from a severe blushing problem that immediately flares up when I apologize. She giggles and glances at my mother. “He really is an angel.”

“My giant cherub,” Mom coos.

I pat Tatum’s knee before realizing I’m under attack. Turning too late, I have nowhere to run. Mesa crashes into me first before Ridge hops onto my back after crawling onto the couch to use it to launch his little body.

Roaring, I wiggle wildly as if trying to detach the giggling children. Unlike with the other twins in my family, these two lack a shared brain and can’t attack raptor-style. So rather than terrifying their prey into submission, the Irish twins tickle me with their tiny fingers. Playing along, I pretend as if I can’t breathe until they let up.

“You win,” I say dramatically.

“We always win,” Mesa says and rubs her nose against mine before climbing over my shoulder and leaping onto the couch next to Tatum. Ridge follows his sister, and they now flank their mom who cuddles them closer.

I remember how easily Tatum fell for Chipper. They met, she moved into his place, they fell in love five fucking seconds later, got married on Thanksgiving during a ten-second ceremony where Dad pronounced them husband and wife, bam, she was pregnant, popped out Mesa, followed up with Ridge a year later. They were the perfect family even before the littlest one came along.

That’s all I want for Audrey and me. The hardest part was meeting, and we got that out of the way. Now we just need to fall in love and live happily ever after with our amazing offspring. Then at the ripe old age of many, many decades from now, I’ll die first while she’ll linger for a few more years. After missing me something fierce, she’ll join me in heaven where we’ll spend eternity together.

Is that really too much to ask?

Receiving a text from Audrey asking me to join her in the hotel pool, I can only smile at how everything is falling into place.