I scooted all the way over to the driver’s side, and just watched him enter the other vehicle. Holy mother. He was just so confusing. He was making my heart so confused. I wasn’t supposed to be confused.
He’s trying to make what we’ve done complicated. I could see how he wanted more from me. More than I was willing to give. He wanted me to let it out? All the pain, suffering, hurt, and anger. Bitterness and rage. Depression.
He had been right about one thing. I had felt it so many times to just end it and die. I was too chickenshit to ever truly go that far.
When he was out of sight, I had to fix the chair so damn close to the steering wheel since I barely touched the pedals. Thank God it wasn’t a stick shift. I’d have some real problems then.
It was still damn early, too. What the hell was I supposed to do while he was gone? I couldn’t just stay at his place like a lazy leech. I looked down at my clothes; jeans, shirt and the black Chuck Taylor’s on my feet. I didn’t look bad. I could go apply to some places and get a job.
With that thought in my head now, I drove the main road down into the small town, slowly I might add too. I barely pressed down and it was like I was shooting from a freaking rocket. I couldn’t wait to get my Mustang here. How was I supposed to drive this thing?
I pulled up to one of the parking slots in town. The way this town was laid out, everything in one place, reminded me of Dayton.
I got out and looked at the restaurants and retails shops and I figured I’d only go to the restaurants as a last resort.
Some shops had a ‘position needed, apply within’ sign on their windows and when I walked in, it was like the air shifted. The further I got in, the more stifling it got. I went up to the counter, asked the counter clerk about the sign on the window and she smiled awkwardly and told me one moment. I looked around and there was two women already in the store and I could swear I recognized one from this morning, who was there when I made my outburst.
Great.
An older woman in her forties came out with this pinched look on her face. Like she ate something sour and it was a permanent look on her face.
“Miss, can I help you?”
“Yes, there’s a sign on your window about help needed?”
“Oh! I must have forgotten, I’m sorry, but the position has been filled just recently. You might want to try at the Wal-Mart or McDonald’s. They are always hiring.”
Fuck. Me. This bitch really thought I was that dumb.
“That’s okay. Thanks anyway.”
As I walked towards the front, I saw in my peripherals the chick that had her hands on Gavin walk up to the register and just as I exited, I looked back to see them practically whispering and looking at me.
The same for the next two stores. It was the fourth store, a book store that really let me know why every single one of these places didn’t want me working there.
“But your sign clearly says ‘help wanted’. The last four places said the same thing you’re saying.”
“Well, there’s always a strip club at the edge of town you could work at. I mean, that is what you did before you came here, correct?”
How the hell did she know what I did before I got here?
“How do you figure that?”
“Oh, whenever Mrs. Winters came to get books, she had no problem confiding in me about the girl that her boy just couldn’t stop talking about. I’m surprised she let him bring you here. He hasn’t been back to his hometown for so long.”
So she didn’t know. “You don’t know why he went down there?”
“No, but I’m sure she’ll tell me all about it on her next visit.”
“Mrs. Winters is dead. She had a stroke.” By the sad look on her face and gasp, I guess it was a lot to take in. “I’m sorry. Thank you for actually being honest with me. Good day.”
“I’m old, I have no problems telling it like it is. I don’t lie. And know this, you’ll never be good enough for him.”
“I already know that.”
Then I walked out. Mrs. Winters already corrupted this place.
Gavin never truly let me go. As if I was always going to be a part of his life. Great. I was never going to find a job here. I walked down the sidewalk, not knowing where the hell I was going and looking around to see a few people staring at me with dirty looks. I turned and hurried through a set of doors. When I walked through another set of doors I looked back, hoping no one was going to follow me in here. When no one did, I took a deep breath.
“Hi! Can I help you?”
I turned to a seriously chipper voice and realized I was in a library. I walked up to the front desk, seeing the girl, with long, bright colored red hair—like a carrot—and freckles that peppered her face and eyes a light green, like a dragon’s. But she was wearing this frock—for lack of a better word. It was like a tent with a belt.
I doubt I’d get lucky here but what the hell. I wasn’t book smart, but I could fake it until I made it.
“You wouldn’t happen to be hiring, would y’all?”
“Actually, one of our senior librarian’s is retiring, so the junior librarian is getting promoted,” the girl leaned and whispered, “she’s like in her late forties,” then in her normal mousy voice she said, “So one of the other women might get promoted and I’ll be all alone here at the desk. Just wait here…?”
“Evony. Evony Summers.”
“I’m Rhona MacDonald. You’re the girl I’ve heard about.”
“Really? Then nevermind. Thanks anyway.”
“Why? Just stay here.” She winked at me and went into the back.
I should just leave and go back to Gavin’s. I don’t think I can take one more rejection today.
“Mrs. Rodes, this is my good friend, Evony. She’s finally decided to move up here and needs a job.”
I awkwardly raised my hand with a small wave. Damn, the woman that strode out with Rhona was beyond intimidating.
“She’s your good friend, Rhona? Where did you meet her?”
I knew she would be skeptical. I should really get out of here.
“University of Texas. I got my degree in library science and she got hers in astronomy. It was our mutual love of the universe and all those billions of stars out there that solidified our friendship. Can we please hire her? She’s a great worker. She worked like a crazy person back in our crazy college days.”
“You’re only twenty-five, Rhona. Your college days weren’t so long ago.” Mrs. Rodes looked me over but she didn’t look at me like I was some leper. Then she nodded and said, “She’ll do. Get her familiar with the library and our computer system.” Then to me she asked, “Do you have your social security card and license?”
“Yes, ma’am!” Shit. Did I sound too eager? I smiled and rifled through my purse and grabbed what I needed and thrust them out to her.
Her eyes narrowed as she took them. “You know, you shouldn’t keep your social security card in your wallet.”
“Yes, ma’am. Sorry.”
There was a hint of a smile and I turn to gaze at Rhona, who smiled big as Mrs. Rodes walked to the back. Rhona scurried to the end of the counter, lifted up the gate and gestured me inside.
“It takes some time, but she really is very nice. Okay. It’s a slow day, so there won’t be too many interruptions. I’ll teach you how to check books in and out and where everything is located. We shelve books mid-day and end of day. I must say, I’m glad you walked in. It’s cool having someone my own age to talk to.”
“Is that why you did your best to get me hired on?”
“One of them, yes. The other is that just before you walked in, the book store owner called and said that ‘the stripper is looking for a job, so make sure she doesn’t get hired, that we don’t want her kind around our people, our men in particular’. Like she’d ever get a man.” A gasp rang out and she covered her mouth with her hand in instant guilt. “That was so mean. I didn’t—well, yes. I did mean to say that. I mean come on. Really? Who cares what you did before? You’re in need and those needs should be met if possible. So stick with me, kid. I’ll take you places. All over the world. With a book of course.”
Wow. She just didn’t stop talking. Which was a great distraction, because before we knew it the day was over. Rhona waved bye and I went to the back to find Mrs. Rodes.
She gestured me to come in and for me to sit. She took off her rectangle glasses and set them on her desk.
“Listen, Evony.” Oh, no. She was going to tell me to book it. There’s no point in sitting here anymore. I made to stand up, but she stopped me. “No, don’t go. I’m not going to give you bad news. I know who you are. Trust me, a lot of people around here got the buzz as soon as the girl’s saw you walking in that donut shop with Gavin. Then that horrible display. I will hope you keep a civil tongue while you work here. The pay starts at ten dollars an hour. You’ll only be working about twenty-five hours a week. That’s all the budget allows.”
“Why did you let her lie then?”
“Because that’s the first time I’ve ever seen her so animated before. And to come up with such a lie so quickly was positively brilliant. She doesn’t champion for anybody, but she can read people pretty well. I’ve worked with her for three years, I trust her judgement. Don’t let her be wrong.”
I shook my head quickly. “No, I am a hard worker though. I have no idea how to do this job, but I am willing to learn. There was probably only one other place I’d get hired anyway.”
“Where’s that? The strip club at the edge of town? Yes, well. Don’t let anyone ever tell you you aren’t worthy. You do whatever your hearts tell you. Sometimes the head doesn’t agree, but trust me, you weren’t the only one who came and stole the good ol’ boy of this town.” She winked and laughed.
“Oh, yeah? Not that I plan on stealing Gavin. I mean we were only childhood friends.”
“Dear, you were never just his friend. I’ve seen him around and although he’s never come in here, Rhona’s heard things and has heard about you before. She thinks I don’t pay attention, but I promise you, I don’t take the matters of this town to heart. I won’t be intimidated by them. My job is quite secure and I have no problem telling them just what I think. You have a job here if you like.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Rodes.”
“Yes, well be here by seven in the morning and we’ll get you all squared away. Rhona is a quiet girl. Shy. I think you’ll be good for her.”
“Yes. Thank you so much.”
She nodded and I left the library feeling lighter than I had in a long time. I had no problem walking with my head held high down the street towards Gavin’s truck.
I stopped at the local Walmart, got some groceries and went to the house. The day started with hot, passionate sex, then into a depressing mess and then to a job I never ever thought I’d expect to ever have. I mean, I didn’t even have a high school diploma. For now, I wasn’t going to let that turn me off. I’ll just have to see how it turns out.
For the first time in a long time, I had a good feeling about where I was heading.