I heard his scream of absolute agony and hurt echo and vibrate through the house as I shut the door behind me. Oh. God. My heart was crushing with despair. I had to hurry and get out of here before I ran back in there and begged him to tell me how much he really loves me. Because I knew I would be weak.
So I ran to my car, got in, started the engine and pulled around. Just before I was out of his drive way, I saw him running down the steps and half way down the drive before stopping, clutching his heart with his hand and of course I didn’t hear him, but I could hear his voice in my head as I saw his lips move.
‘Cross my heart.’
Everything had been fine. I should’ve just kept my stupid fucking mouth shut last night. Or this morning. Or else I wouldn’t be in this situation right now. I’d be in there, having glorious, beautiful sex with the most perfect human being God has ever made.
And what he did for me. He actually did that. He killed my dad. The one person who never let me forget how worthless I was. Verbally, physically and mentally. Gavin had taken it into his own hands to save me.
Of course he had to leave. The Army would help make everything go away for him. There was no way I would have wanted him to end up in jail.
But I couldn’t be what he needs when I don’t even know what I need. Everything from what Mrs. Rodes said to last night. His letters. I needed to know now. I want to feel loved. And I know those letters would be full of it. I had been missing love for so long.
How could I really love someone when I barely loved myself?
I could barely see out the windshield from all my stupid sobbing. Thank God it wasn’t too far to Rhona’s. Friend of five days, and I was going to unload on her. Hope to hell I could stay at least tonight before I started looking for places.
When I got to her place, there was a truck in the spot I usually parked in. I walked inside and up to her little apartment. I knocked on the door and heard giggling and a masculine chuckle and instantly regretted coming here.
She had someone here. Fuck.
I turned and started back down the stairs.
“Evony? Hey! Oh…hey, where you going?”
I let out an unsteady breath before I turned around and looked up at her. Her eyes peeled wide open and she hurried to meet me half way before I just couldn’t take it anymore. Right when she got to me I began sobbing all over again.
“Oh, Evony. Whatever it is, I’ll help however I can.”
And then it was like I was losing him all over again.
“Rhona?” A deep gravelly voice was soft coming from behind Rhona and we both turned to see the guy Gavin had come to the club with. Then I looked over to Rhona to see a shy smile tilt on her lips.
“Carpe diem.”
“I should go.”
“Nope. You’re staying here.” She turned to the guy and said, “Rayden, I can’t lift her and I’m sure she’s a wilted flower right now. Could you use those muscles of yours and bring her into the apartment?”
“Yeah.” He came down, bent and lifted me with ease. “Come on, baby girl. Let’s get you settled in.”
His arms didn’t feel right. They weren’t the ones I wanted wrapped around me like a blanket. I clutched the locket I had around my neck. Praying it would give me strength and relief from the grief I was feeling.
He sat me on the couch and walked to lean against the kitchen wall. Seeming content to just stay here and watch me wallow in misery. Rhona came to sit next to me, wrapped her arms around me and I couldn’t help the racking sobs that slipped free. I knew I wasn’t making much sense, but I unloaded. Everything. Since meeting Gavin at four years old to every important event we had shared to the day he left. And all the shit I went through until Gavin came home.
It took a while but she got me to calm down and I had a cold glass of water thrust into my hands.
I looked up at the guy, Rayden, who didn’t look phased by my little melodramatic scene.
“Rhona. I want to read all his other letters.”
“Once you’re relaxed and calm, I’ll go get them, you left them here with your backpack.”
“Don’t mind if I interrupt here, but Evony, I’ve never seen someone love another person like he loves you. When his mother told him you couldn’t be any happier with the guy you were with and that ‘wedding bells’ seemed to be in your future, Gavin took it really hard. He went to a dark place. Depression or a deep-bitter jealous place had set in at the thought of another man making you happy and giving you promises when he wanted to be the one to do it. A love like his, it doesn’t see faults. Flaws or imperfections. He loves you in spite of them. He hated going away these past few days. He thought he could have you all to himself. But our lives aren’t so simple.
He would never have been happy with Layla, or any other woman. Not when his heart had stayed in Dayton with you. Just know that. I don’t blame you for thinking and believing you need to find yourself and love yourself before you can ever start anything with another person, because you’re right. You’ll find opportunity here and you are among friends. If I know Gavin, he’ll wait for you until you’re ready. He doesn’t need kids to make him happy. You make him happy. You always have.” He came over to me, and handed me a picture. It was one I had in my car’s console. “Here. This boy’s love for you grew into a man’s love that only you can satisfy. After you find what you’re looking for, know he’ll still be standing there. Waiting for you with open arms. Welcoming you home.”
He squeezed Rhona’s shoulder before bending down to kiss her temple. A look of ‘later’ passed between them and he nodded to me with sad eyes before he left, locking the door behind him.
I looked down at the picture of me and Gavin when I was eight and he was fourteen. We could have been brother and sister. Both our eyes sparkled even though there was a hint of sadness and pain in mine. His had determination.
“Evony? If you want to, you can stay here for however long you need. It’s small but it’s cozy.”
“I couldn’t. Maybe if I could just stay the night. Get my bearings.”
“Nope. I won’t have it. I’m pretty sure we’ll be bff’s for life. So mi casa, su casa. Besides, winter is coming and I hate walking to work.”
That made us both laugh and she told me to take a bath, scrub the morning away.
“Although, Evony, him killing someone to make sure they never hurt you again, was a big, bold ‘I love you and will avenge you by incinerating your enemies’ type of love. When you’re ready, you should definitely thank him for that.”
I laughed because she was right. Gavin had always made sure I was never bullied or hurt. Mother hadn’t hurt me until dad left. Well, died. Had she known that too? Wouldn’t surprise me. “Maybe I will, some day.”
“Blow job. Definitely a good thank you.”
I shrugged and passed by her to her bathroom.
“Wait a sec. What was that? Evony. Have you never? You know?”
“Never what?” I looked back at her and her eyebrows raised high to her forehead.
“Never went down on a guy?”
“No. I was a stripper, not a prostitute. I never had relationships.”
“Oooh, you should have him teach you. I bet that would be some sexy fun.”
“Where is all this even coming from? You were like this shy, tent-dress wearing girl.”
“I still am. But I’m not a virgin. I had a life before coming here. I didn’t live too far from here but I’m not totally inept. And Rayden? Oh, my god. He is like,” she put her hands out like she was measuring the guys dick and she groaned. “Like that.”
“Big?”
“Biggest one I’ve ever seen.”
That got us both laughing and she gestured for me to go on and she turned and walked back to the kitchen.
I took a hot bath, trying not to think about Gavin. He wasn’t there when I needed him the most. His promises had been hallow. But now I knew, didn’t I? He killed for me. That he never came home because of his mother. I understood why she did it and I don’t blame her for wanting something better for her son, but I didn’t have anyone. She even removed herself from my life. The mother I had always wished for.
I almost missed her as much as I did Gavin until I began stripping and she had tried getting us evicted. Saying she didn’t want to live next door to the town whores.
Of course, the landlord denied her request. He had been fucking my mother. He approached me once, saying I’d get to live there for free if only I did what my mother did for him. I flat out refused and he told me the rent would rise because of the few tenants bitching about living near us. He kept letting my mother do whatever she did with him, but we still had to pay. He just wanted free ass because he was a disgusting pig.
There was so much Gavin didn’t know about how his mother hated me for taking him away. I figured she would eventually go wherever he left, but nope. She had become a town council member and it was like all she wanted was the power it could give her.
I finished my bath and got dressed and met her back on the couch, a few sandwiches on a plate with a bag of Doritos.
We sat, eating quietly. I knew she wanted to know what my next move was. What was I going to do now? I came here because of Gavin. He was the main reason I had come here. The only reason. He had been my only escape of out of Dayton and I had to take it after what my mother did.
Thinking back on the conversation we had at work with Mrs. Rodes, could it be possible?
“Rhona?”
She talked around her food, “Yeah?”
“What if I said I wanted to go back to high school? Get a GED I mean.”
She looked at me with hope and pride in her eyes.
“If that is what you want, that sounds great! Me and the others can totally help you prepare to take one of those tests. Or you could attend classes at our local college. Can I ask you a question?”
I nodded, really wanting her input now that I was thinking about going back to school.
“What do you want to do though? Like are you wanting to pursue college, or what?”
“Well, when I stripped, I often taught pole dancing. It’s a rigorous work-out and fun too. Maybe like open a dance studio?”
“Don’t question it. That sounds actually like a lot of fun. I think you should totally do it. It might even be good to get like a physical fitness certificate or degree.”
Somehow, the thought of even going to college made me sink.
“Hey now! Don’t get down, there are college programs for that stuff. Might take like eight months to a year. Trust me. It could totally be in your benefit. Or like we could look up fitness certifications. Those might not take too long. Here. Let’s look.”
She got up and hurried in a flurry of excitement at the thought of me making goals. How could I have made such a friend in an extremely short amount of time? It was crazy. I was totally happy for that, but I’ve never had any friends back in Dayton. I had always been the girl from the trailer park. Even when Gavin lived next door, but thinking back now, he was handsome, fit, and charismatic. He wasn’t trailer park trash. He hadn’t grown up in a place like that. His family had grown up all over the place. Being in the military, I bet it had grown lonely. He told me before about moving around a lot. He said he even lived overseas. I had never seen outside of Texas until he took me up here. It was beautiful country here.
I loved his house. It had such an open space. He really needed to find someone who could give him children. He would really resent me later when we were old and childless. He deserved to have kids running around. He had been so great with me and when he sometimes talked about his dad, even though he worked and had left for long bouts of time, when he was home, he had been the best dad.
“Here! Hey, you can get a fitness certificate in like three months. Okay, what about pole dancing. Is there like a certification for that? Let’s see. Oooh! There’s like a class in LAS VEGAS! O. M. Gee. YAAAS! Totally do this! Get your certification in personal training and group instructing, and then let’s totally freaking do the Vegas thing! Think about it! In like one years’ time, you could totally be teaching fitness pole dancing and all that jazz. I’m excited for this. Aren’t you?”
“Let’s get me my GED first, yeah?”
“That’s in the bag. Me and the others will start prepping you on Monday. By the end of the month, you can totally take the test. You’re already smart. What were your grades like in high school?”
“Before I dropped out they weren’t that great, but it’s because I never did the homework. A lot of crap just didn’t matter. Before Gavin left I had been top of my classes though.”
“That’s good. So you’re already smart. We got this!”