Chapter 29
Allen
It was early Saturday morning and I was awake after barely sleeping. I had the day off due to everything going on and Captain told me that he’d give me a few days before starting another case. The other one was already being handled by another team and Brandon was splitting time between me and the girls.
The girls.
I couldn’t even call Nicole my girl because I had walked away from her. Brandon was in charge of both of them now and I sighed.
Did I make the right decision? I loved her and there was a part of me that wanted to tell her that instead of breaking it off. I knew it the last time we made love and I felt her wrap around me. I felt it as she stared at me, so full of wonder when I had to leave the room.
I’d never had an issue walking away from a woman before this. I never cared. I felt like I was breaking into pieces right now and I turned in the bed to catch her scent that still lingered there.
I left her because I had to. She wasn’t safe being with me and I wasn’t sure if I could save her again. I knew that Ricky was dead but I was a fucking cop. If I pissed off the wrong person and they watched me for just a day, they’d see the people that were in my life. It was a risk I wasn’t willing to take with Nicole. I also wondered if there were any friends of Ricky’s that might want to take further revenge on those that killed him. He must have made a lot of money for people.
Fuck, I was getting out of control here.
I did the right thing. I needed some time away from her no matter how much I missed her. I needed to work this out in my head. Brandon was pissed at me but I told him to stay at the apartment with the girls and call me today. They needed him.
I got up as the sun was rising and made coffee before I turned on the morning news. I wasn’t used to this empty feeling and I stirred some cream into the coffee as I glared at the counter. I wondered how long this feeling would last if it even passed at all. I had no experience with it.
I went for a long run after a few sips, needing to work this out of my system for the day. It was cool out here in the morning and I took my usual route as I looked around. It seemed muted today and I turned away from the strip and ran a different direction. The sound of my feet hitting the pavement was steady and soothing as I felt the usual muscle pain and I embraced the familiarity of it. My life was all about that before Nicole and I thought back to the first night I saw her.
She took my breath away. I knew that I couldn’t regret knowing her even if it hurt so much right now. That feeling of your world changing just by seeing someone’s face was startling and I wasn’t sure if it would happen for me ever again. I should cherish the memory.
I made it home an hour or so later and unlocked the door, jogging lightly over to the fridge for some cold water. I downed it as I dropped the keys to the counter and headed back to shower.
I decided that I could call Brandon for an update now and sat down on the couch after dialing his number. He answered in a drowsy voice after a few rings. “Were you asleep?” I asked as he yawned.
“I ended up on the couch last night. Thanks to you, Noelle slept with Nicole because she was a hot mess. Way to go, Allen.” His voice conveyed his frustration with me and I frowned.
“She’s that bad?” I asked as Brandon sighed.
“Noelle has never seen her that upset before. She says that Nicole was always the strong one but right now, she’s struggling. Why the hell did you think that was a good idea?” Brandon demanded as I reached for my fresh cup of coffee.
“I told you already. I am too dangerous for her,” I replied as he snorted on the other end of phone.
“So, you say. I’m going to get her a new phone in a bit. Noelle gave me all the information. Same number, just in case you need it.”
I rolled my eyes at his words.
“I think I’ll take them to lunch too, if they’re up to it. You do realize that I was beginning to like Noelle, right?” Brandon chuckled darkly. “Cock blocker.”
“Things will calm down and she’ll get better. You two will be just fine.” I assured Brandon as I leaned back against the couch. “I just can’t see her all banged up like that. It’s too hard for me.”
We talked for a bit longer and I hung up feeling worse than before. Brandon ended the conversation abruptly, something that had never happened before.
I headed out to do some errands, wondering if Nicole left the house today. She was pretty sore the night before and I wasn’t sure how long she’d need to rest and recover. I wasn’t a part of that anymore.
I shopped at the stores quickly and got what I needed before hurrying out to my car to do the next errand. This was no way to live and I leaned back once I was done. I knew that this was going to be a long, fucked up process for me and I hoped that I could throw myself into work as I’d always done before now. I didn’t know the coping skills for missing a woman more than anything before in my life. I didn’t know the agenda.
I headed home after getting some takeout that I ate while watching a game. It was funny how this was the norm for me at one time but now it felt so lonely. How long would it feel like this? I thought back to friends that had split with wives or girlfriends before me and the times varied. Hell, some of them were ready to party the second they moved out.
I thought about the guys that normally held the poker game and thought that might be a good distraction. It was always at someone’s house and it was just us guys with some beers and snacks. I needed that simplicity and I ate quickly and dressed in some jeans and a shirt before finding out where the game was.
I was closemouthed about Nicole’s case and they noticed after a few single word responses to their questions. We moved the conversation to sports as I played hand after hand, determined to win. I was a good player, something I proved to myself the night I won the money for Nicole in just one hand. We played with small bets just for fun and to keep things interesting and I ended up with a small pile of money in front of me as Vince whistled. “You’re on a roll tonight, Rogers.”
“It’s been a while since I played.” I replied as I looked at my new hand. I’d never tell them about the illegal poker. These were my brothers but I had a clean reputation with all of them and didn’t want to ruin that. As guys, they were curious about the pretty kidnapping victim that I went to save but I didn’t know what to say about that yet.
We played several hands and I enjoyed a few beers throughout the night, trying to keep my mind off Nicole. Fuck if that didn’t work and I found myself calling a cab for a ride once the night ended thinking only about calling her.
I had the driver stop to get me some food and tipped him generously when I was back home. I dropped on the couch and pulled out my phone as I chewed on a fry. I pulled up her name and sent her a text asking how she was doing even though it was late. I just needed to know.
I drank some whiskey as I waited for a response, knowing that I was going to regret this in the morning. I hated hangovers and hadn’t missed them in the last few weeks. My phone was silent as I stared at it, realizing that I had fucked up.
I kept sipping the whiskey, trying to watch late night TV as I proceeded to get sloppy drunk. I passed out at some point and woke up on the floor when the room was still dark. I grabbed my phone and stumbled to bed, checking the screen to see that there were no texts from Nicole. I dropped against my pillow, kicking off my jeans as I cursed myself for drinking so much. I had half a mind to check with Brandon and see if she got a new phone but he might come and kick my ass once he realized how wasted I was.
I turned to my side and closed my eyes, reaching out to the empty side of the bed for Nicole. I still smelled her and reminded myself to wash the sheets again as I found the space beside me empty. Why did I walk away from her?
I spent the following day in bed, sipping Vitamin Water and watching television. I felt like shit and knew I deserved to.
Nicole never texted me back. I sent a few more texts reaching out to her to see if she was all right and finally called Brandon. “Did she get a phone?” I asked as he chuckled on the other end.
“Yeah, she did. Are you having some regrets now?” His voice was laced with amusement as I sighed.
“I just want to know that she’s okay,” I told him as he let out a sigh.
“She’s dealing. She is going through recovery from a bad experience and now a breakup. She’s strong though. Nicole will make it through this.” He assured me. “You wanted space. You’re getting it, Allen.”
“Fuck you, Bran.”
He laughed at me and told me he was taking the girls to lunch before hanging up. I dropped my phone to the bed and closed my eyes as the need for sleep washed over me again.
I woke up Sunday realizing I’d made a huge mistake.
I spent the parts of Sunday that I was awake trying to formulate a plan on how to get Nicole back. I just needed to see her and talk to her. I wanted to reverse everything that I did since Friday night but I couldn’t. I could only try again and I made a few calls that day before sending her another text to call me. I told her that I wanted to talk to her.
I didn’t expect her to get back to me and planned to call her the next day. I cleaned my house once I had some energy with the plans of bringing here back here when we met if we did. I wanted to make my life positive either way and I looked around once I was done with a wry smile.
It looked like an adult lived here again.
I showered and went to bed to watch a movie to fall asleep to. I was still worried about her but Brandon made me feel like she was surviving. I knew that she was strong but I wanted her to be strong with me. I wanted Nicole to trust me again.
I fell asleep feeling hopeful for the morning and a chance to make things right again. I knew that I made a poor choice and I just wanted to prove to Nicole how much she meant to me.