Chapter 17

Animal

I got a new member of my family less than a year later. Merck’s beautiful plans of getting me, a kid named Fenix, his mom, Elise, and the daughter in the house had crumbled.

His wife was diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer, even though she didn’t smoke a day in her life. His mistress went missing, and the scumbag father was cagey as shit.

Merck’s visits with me dropped off, but I knew where to find him if I needed him.

His off hours were spent nursing his wife. The daughter that he thought could be his was named Ember and living with an aunt.

The night I met Nix, I had a visit from Merck earlier in the day.

He’d told me that his wife was in remission and that Elise was still missing. He was looking for her as best he could. He’d scared off the asshole she was married to.

Merck arranged for Nix to be offered a spot at the home for children where I was staying.

“Listen, none of this is going the way I wanted it to. This kid— Elise was crazy about him. Has a sweet demeanor. Tried to protect her all the time. He’s screwed up in the head. Has to be.”

“I’m bringing him here. And in my alternate universe, Nix would be your brother, and my possible daughter would be your sister. So keep an eye on him if you can.”

Merck had asked very little of me in all the years I knew him. He asked me to keep his secret, about Nix’s now missing mother and the fact that he was likely Ember’s father. The conversation we’d had was fairly despondent. Merck felt it was best for Ember to not be alerted to her possible parentage. I had to respect that. He felt she was having the best childhood with her aunt. If I were Ember I’d want to know about the possibilities, but I kept that opinion to myself.

Merck’s wife, Kinsey, was not well. The cancer had ravaged her system and, despite the remission, had brought a slew of medical problems to the surface. He took his vows seriously. I didn’t think it was a great idea, but here we were.

The next day I walked downstairs to a skinny, handsome kid wearing Sister Mary’s nightgown while making a papier-mâché elephant head.

I made fun of him for it, just because it seemed like a good icebreaker.

Then a dipshit that had been at the home about six months decided to say something, too. I reacted before I remembered I was supposed to be undercover for Merck and knocked the kid’s lights out for saying anything to my man Nix.

My loyalty was a given, considering Merck had asked, but it turned out I liked Nix.

I didn’t know if we’d have been friends without intervention—he was introverted. But I was glad I insisted every day that we hang out. I got to know him.

Six months in, he shared with me that his mother was murdered in front of him. I knew the loyalty I had from him equaled mine.

After we had lights out, I climbed out of the home and texted Merck.

He’d been looking for Elise for years. My guess was that he wasn’t looking too hard because he suspected the truth. Maybe hope is better than despair. But now I had an answer. One I hated, but at least I knew for sure. When he pulled around in the squad car to pick me up, I realized how much he’d aged in the lights from the parking lot.

His wife’s illness. The love of his life disappearing and leaving her kids—and even me. Being invested in me had drawn him out.

I got in the passenger side and we drove around for a while. His cop instincts were no joke because he didn’t push me. I was guessing he already knew she was dead—or suspected it strongly. Hell, how was I supposed to know how it was between them?

He pulled the car to the edge of the river. Still we sat.

“We’re friends now. Nix and I.” I peeked over at Merck’s stoic face.

Merck didn’t respond. He just looked out over the water.

There was no easy way to say it, so I just laid it out. “Nix saw his father kill his mom. Had to help bury her in the yard.”

I didn’t know words could feel like knives coming out of your throat until I said those to him. I looked away while they fell on him.

Just quiet. No reaction that I could sense. I expected screaming. Anger. Maybe resignation. But there was just nothing.

I looked over at him again, and I realized I was wrong. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. I wasn’t even sure he knew they were there.

His heart was breaking deeply.

I clapped my hand on his shoulder. “I am so sorry, Dad.”

And that’s when he gasped, like he finally remembered how to breathe. He wrapped his hands around the steering wheel, but not before I saw them shaking. His knuckles went white.

It was the first time I’d called him Dad, and I hoped it was the right move. I had no idea how else to comfort him.

We sat like that, my hand on his shoulder for a long, long time that night.

He didn’t say it, but his regret was etched even deeper in his face when he dropped me off.

I didn’t know he’d hoped for so long that she would still come back to him.

I thought of T that night as I lay in bed. I wondered if she would be my greatest regret. I felt like it wasn’t over—whatever we had between us.