Chapter 34

T

I knew he didn’t really want to hurt me. Not really. But it did. Maybe he had to punish me for loving him like I did. I didn’t have Albany’s tricks. She could attract a whole room. I never developed the talent that some girls had. The way they could rope in men like a fishermen’s bounty with dynamite.

This was the outcome for loving like I did. There was no plan B. I’d bury myself in the disappointment and power through. I knew how to do it.

I walked down the path in the backyard late at night. I took this walk when I needed to be away from walls. From people.

I heard the twig snap behind me and I stepped quietly behind a tree. I had my blade with me and my focus narrowed to a point.

Instant defense. Automatic offense if it was required.

I took a peek. It was Ember. She looked spooked, but she still kept walking down the path I had taken. She was following me.

“T?” she whisper-yelled.

I stepped out. “Here.”

Ember jumped a foot in the air and put her hand on her chest. “Fester shit!”

I started laughing because it was the last curse I ever imagined coming out of her mouth.

She started laughing with me, possibly from the jump scare.

“You were following me, and you’re scared?” I watched as she made sure that it was really me in the dark.

“You were creeping out in the middle of the night. I wanted to see what was going down.” Ember looked over her shoulder.

“Why are you up now? You should be in bed.” I moved my hair behind my ear. I liked Ember. She had a fire about her. And she seemed a little lost. Reminded me of me.

“I couldn’t sleep. I saw that Animal brought just one lady home and I was curious.”

I was, too. Albany had stirred something in him that allowed him to be alone with her. It terrified me.

Because I could handle him being a ladies’ man. None of them threatened my place in his life, though I hated the intimacy I didn’t have with him. But one girl? That could be an issue. I didn’t know how I could make that okay in my head.

And Albany of all people. It was a slap in the face and in the heart at the same time. I could rail at the way it was, but I knew the day I watched him walk into prom with two girls, and continued being devoted, I was in for it.

So in for it.

Ember was no fan as well. “I mean, usually he’s got a herd of them with him. Like, what goes on up there? Does he pack them all on at once like a giant slut kabob?” She made elaborate hand motions.

I felt my jaw drop. “Slut kabob?”

“Yeah. Well, that’s what I call them in my head.” She shrugged.

“I like you, Ember.” I rocked on my heels.

“So, where are you going?” She looked past me as if there was something waiting for me down the end of the path.

“Just getting out of there. Clearing my head.” I put my hands in my hoodie pockets.

“Oh, okay, let me let you have at it then.” Ember looked disappointed.

I considered her for a few seconds. She was trapped in this humongous place with people not really in her age group. Animal was busy trying to get her back home, and I understood that. It was to keep her safe. But still, I knew what it was like to feel like I didn’t have a place that wanted me.

“You wanna come?” I pointed over my shoulder.

“Sure!” Her eagerness made me glad I asked.

We walked in silence for a short time before she started in with questions. “So, I know Nix thinks you’re pretty kick-ass. Do you want to do this forever? Like be here with the guys?”

Ember was keeping up pretty well.

I answered, “I don’t know. I don’t think of forever much. Tomorrow, yes. Next year, sometimes. But forever isn’t something I’m too sure I’ll see.” I held a long branch so it wouldn’t slap her in the face.

“I feel like I think of forever a lot. I wish I knew what will happen.” She took the branch from me and continued to follow.

“What are you trying for?” I was curious about her. I knew Ember was still taking college classes, but she was at odds with her aunt who had raised her.

“Well, I think my plan of getting Animal to fall madly in love with me has failed. I don’t know. I feel like I just want to get to know Nix. But he’s got his new relationship so I don’t want to interrupt. I think I want to go into communications. Maybe be a newscaster or a model or something.” Ember slowed her pace. “I really like taking pictures, and people say I’m pretty good at it.”

“That sounds like a ton of different opportunities to be amazing in the future. Maybe just figure out how to get that degree,” I offered. It seemed like good advice.

“Yeah. I just feel unsettled. Like I’m missing something.” She trotted to keep up. “So I know you’re a badass, but how’d you get that way?”

“Like, with fighting and stuff?” I was trying to figure out how much I should tell her. I mean, she’s nineteen, a full-grown adult.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I grew up homeless, pretty much. And I had to figure out how to fend for myself. After being on my own, I wanted to feel safe, so I made sure that I did. I took self-defense classes at first—because they were free—then I sort of sought out new experiences that would add to my bag of tricks.”

That was a seriously glossed over summary. I left out all the freezing nights. The dangerous situations. How incredibly lonely it felt to stay true to my mother the only way I knew how.

Ember hauntingly resembled the two old, fuzzy pictures Nix had framed in his house of his mom. Pictures didn’t capture vivaciousness. I wondered if that had been the same for his mom like it was in Ember.

She would be like Albany someday. Able to bat her eyes and have the men run to her. I hoped she found her soul mate before that happened, because it had to be confusing to come into your own with that much power over the opposite sex.

“You’ve fought for everything you have, huh?” Ember saw through to the parts I’d edited out.

I changed the topic. I never liked talking that much in general, and certainly not about my past. “What about you? How’s life with Dorothy?”

“It wasn’t hard like it was for Nix. I mean, he felt like he needed to hide his face from the whole world and himself. But it wasn’t easy. Dorothy wants a lot of stuff she doesn’t have. I think she lived to show me off as a daughter and then write me off after the doors closed behind us. She wasn’t my mom.” Ember grew quiet.

We were as far as I intended to get, so we turned around to head back. “What’s Dorothy doing now that you’re here?”

Ember sighed. “She’s pissed. She wants me back at the house. And I feel like that’s part of my responsibility, but it’s way, way cooler here. I mean, this house. The vibe of it. It’s really great.”

I was sure there were worse influences out there in the world, but a house with a gun range and full-scale surveillance was not a Disney playhouse either.

“You got to do what makes you happy. I think anyway.” That was the best I could offer, if that was even what she was asking for.

“Yeah, I’m trying that. My aunt has said some real strange things lately. Almost like she wants me to get married or something?” Ember followed me back onto Nix’s property. The lights were on and Nix was standing on the back porch.

I waved and the man nodded in my direction.

Ember gave me a confused look. “What the hell?”

“He’s got cameras everywhere. And most likely tracks your phone.”

“So, he’d be okay if I went out for a walk in the middle of the night?”

“Well, technically, it’s morning and I think he was watching me as well. He knew you were with me and that I’d keep a lookout.” It was the truth. I figured he’d known.

Nix basically raised himself to be a stalker; he probably did it without even thinking about it.

We walked in the back door, because the sneak part had been completely eliminated. Nix met us on the back steps.

“Hey.”

I waved to him and moved past. His conversation with Ember was sweet. He spoke to her in a very respectful way, asking her to let him know if she was heading out—no matter what time.

Soon they were out of earshot. I wished I’d had a brother like Nix. He was supportive and understanding, but still protective.

I wondered if letting Ember have a relationship with Nix was actually the right move. Especially if her aunt was starting to act all medieval about weddings. I’d have to mention it to Becca. I knew she’d complained a few times about the pressure her mother used to put on her about getting married before she’d added her skull tattoo to her face.

I wished my walk had settled the restlessness in my heart. I avoided Animal when I saw he was in the living room and went to my room alone.