Chapter 3

Bleach and Flames

Savvy panted as her hands smeared blood all over her steering wheel. Then she nearly swerved off the road staring at her forearms. The wicked scars left there by her suicide attempts were gone. They’d simply melted away. When? Savvy wondered, And more than that, how? Why?

She arrived in front of her house without remembering the trip. Maybe I shouldn’t be here? The cops might find me. I don’t want to bring Tobias into this.

The sun would come up in a few hours. She had to suck it up and fix this: either turn herself in or clean up. After a deep breath, she knew. Something in her felt peace. God, it had been so long since she felt peace.

Beating the ever-living piss out of and possibly killing a man shouldn’t have made her feel better or closer to anyone, but it did. She could visualize her daughter; she could feel her husband’s breath on her neck, the sensation so real she turned to face him, hopeful before the disappointment filled her.

More. I need more.

She got out of her car and crawled back into the house through the window. After showering and putting on her cleaning sweats, Savvy grabbed a bucket and the bleach from the laundry room. While she filled the bucket with water, she tried to rationalize. Nothing about this made sense. She had to have been drugged, or affected somehow.

She searched her mind for clues about what had happened, what had come over her in the alley, but she couldn’t even recall exactly what she had done. She just saw red—everything a glowing red she had craved.

The water began flowing over the top of the bucket. Savvy could feel her daughter’s soft hands touching her cheeks. My baby. Oh God, I need more.

She turned off the faucet and carefully retraced her steps, spot-cleaning any drops of blood she’d left on the rug on the way in. It was easier to climb out the window in just bare feet this time. She toted the bucket to her car, which looked much worse than the trail into the house. The upholstery was ruined. She sloshed the bleach mixture all over the driver’s seat until she was sure the blood was gone.

As she raised her head to look at the sunrise, she caught the silhouette of a police car at the end of the street against the orange-tinted sky. She dropped low inside her car. Listening to the cruiser’s rubber tires crackle on the asphalt, she crouched on the floorboards. Her heart pounded, but she still couldn’t find her guilt.

The car passed, and Savvy had just sat up when the front door was yanked open.

“Savvy!” Tobias wasn’t keeping his voice down in respect of the early hour. “Savvy, goddamn it!”

She heard the worry in his voice and stepped out of the car. “Look, I’m right here.”

He sighed with relief the moment before he was overcome with anger. “You know, when you’re not where you’re supposed to be I assume you’ve tried again.”

Savvy hung her head at the mention of her suicide attempts. He’d done nothing to deserve this crappy of a sister. And he was right. Last night she’d gone looking for someone to kill her. Hurt her. Punish her.

She watched as he looked at the bucket in her hands and gave her a distinct glare that said What the hell without words.

“I was washing my car.” She spilled the remaining murky water out onto the grass.

“You’re washing your car with bleach? On the inside?” Tobias stepped toward her.

He must be cold.

Her brother was lean but muscular. The neighborhood girls would peek around bushes to get glimpses of his hard chest anytime he mowed the yard without his shirt. This morning they were most likely asleep and missing the show he put on in his flannel pajama bottoms.

“Let’s get inside.” Savvy brought the bucket and the bleach past her brother and into the house.

He followed her into the laundry room. “I’ll take an explanation any minute now.”

She turned but couldn’t get past him; he stood firmly in the doorway.

“I went out last night. I hit a deer. My window was open.” She was a horrible liar.

Her brother crossed his arms. “Really? I find that hard to believe since you don’t drive anywhere if you can help it.”

Savvy started pinching him, and he backed up. He hated to be pinched.

That’s it. I’ve cleaned up everything. But when she looked at her feet, she remembered the clothes she’d worn last night. She couldn’t just leave them stuffed in the hamper. She marched past Tobias and gathered them into an incriminating bundle. He followed her through the house despite her shooing hand motions.

“Where are you going?”

In the kitchen, Savvy grabbed the lighter stick she’d used back when she needed birthday candles to shine for her precious little girl and swallowed the pain. Is there nothing that doesn’t hurt?

Last night. Last night didn’t hurt.

She opened the back door with Tobias still following. He clearly wanted better answers, more answers. Savvy walked out to the burn barrel, and the memory pounced on her: The smell of burning leaves wafting in the windows, and her daughter asleep, safe in her bed. It was late, too late for yard work, but Kal worked so hard during the day. She had walked into the freshly raked yard barefoot, the soft grass tickling her toes. He’d sat facing the barrel, which had a ridiculously high flame as it burned the yard debris.

“I’ll have you know the ash from your insane fire is going to get all over my stuff,” she’d told him.

He’d looked over his shoulder at her, smiled as he took a swig of his beer. “Your stuff? This is our stuff, baby. If I want to light it on fire, I’m gonna do it.”

He’d reached his hand out for hers. She loved how big and warm he was, and she’d wrapped her fingers around his palm. He pulled until she fell off balance into his chair, settling on his lap.

“Well, far be it from me to damp down your cheerleader, pep-rally tendencies.” Savvy had wrinkled her nose as she insulted him.

He’d tickled her until she started slapping him. Finally, when her giggling had tapered off, he’d let his face get serious. “In all my days, I have never seen a sight as beautiful as you laughing. God, I love you so much.”

“You always have the best lines.” Savvy had been teasing, but she loved his words, his easy soul.

“Whatever it takes to get you to kiss me.” His teeth had been so white when he smiled at her.

She’d leaned up and kissed him, tasting the beer on his lips.

Instead of kissing anyone, now she tossed her clothes in the barrel and tried to get them to take the flame. They wouldn’t. Tobias disappeared from her side. When he returned, he took the lighter from her hand and poured gasoline over her bloody garments. He pushed her back, farther away, and lit the bonfire.

In the early, fresh-smelling morning, the flames seemed intrusive. But they matched the early sky perfectly.

“Look at me. Look at me.” Tobias ducked his head to see her face.

She reluctantly gave him her attention.

“I don’t care what happened last night. I just want you safe. All this blood? Are you okay?”

Savvy nodded. Unleashing on a man with some sort of superhuman power has made me a little better. She couldn’t tell him.

“I’m not even going to ask why we’re burning clothes and bleaching cars like fucking serial killers; I just need you to be okay.” He paused for a moment. “You never talk about them. You never talk about the accident. You spend your days in a graveyard. What am I supposed to do here? Tell me and I’ll do it.” Tobias looked so intent on fixing her.

“I can’t talk about…them.” She shrugged. Savvy didn’t want to spend the day silently crying again.

“Well, what about me?”

The fire raged up higher behind him. Savvy pulled his arm so he would be farther from the flames.

He didn’t acknowledge her efforts. “I miss them. I miss Sara,” he said.

At the sound of her daughter’s name, Savvy grabbed her middle. The pain sliced through her, through everything.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but seeing you like this? It’s killing me. You need help. Let me get you help.” Tobias tried to hold her hand.

Savvy turned and walked toward the house, ignoring her brother’s offer, his willingness to be there for her. She spent the day in her room, blocking out his stomping around.

Night came, like it insisted on doing, and the darkness ignited her pain, her loneliness again. She wanted to think, to analyze what had happened to her. But she needed another hit. Though she couldn’t remember much, she knew without a doubt that brutalizing the man had given her peace, given her sweet reminders of her family.

Savvy found another pair of heels in the back of her closet. She changed into jeans and a shirt, and slipping on the shoes gave her permission again. She began to feel powerful from her feet up. She climbed out through the same window she’d bleached clean earlier in the day.

Savvy started her car and drove into the distance, not sure what she was going to find.