Chapter 47

Animal

Where she was supposed to be, she wasn’t. I’d taken her for granted. I relived the night she told me she loved me a million times since I watched the footage of her getting killed.

How could I have possibly doubted how I felt about her?

If I could only have shown the me in the past a glimpse at the pain I was going through without her. The guilt that resounded in every step, every breath all day, every day without her, maybe I would’ve known.

A psychologist would have a field day with how easy I was to diagnose. I insisted on more than one woman at a time because I didn’t want to feel vulnerable. I was an obvious fucker.

I was wasted. I’d been buoyant for so long, that when I deflated, I did it thoroughly.

Wardon was doing his best. But without T and Nix, my empire was sinking as well. There was a lot of upkeep that I normally had endless energy for. I wanted the hustle. I was hungry for the balance and the control.

But I was haunted now by the girl I loved.

God, I loved her so much. How could I have ever let her walk through this life not knowing that?

I stayed in my room and watched her last moments over and over. I watched her final gift to me. Saving Nix, saving me.

She only loved once. One mom. One man.

She could have been anything in this life. She survived the streets. She survived homelessness. Running a company would’ve been a piece of cake for her. She had a motherhood about her. God, she would’ve been an incredible mother. No one would fight harder for her kids.

The past tense thoughts made me ashamed that I was accepting that she was dead. Becca had broached the idea of a memorial service for T. I dismissed it. For a million selfish reasons. I didn’t want to say good-bye. I didn’t want to make it so real. Even Merck had stopped by to ask me what he could do. Nothing. Nothing was the only solution I had for everyone.

I thought of her mother and hung my head. I would watch over her. I’d make sure I outlived her mother so that she would always be taken care of.

There was a knock on my door. Ember entered despite the fact that I didn’t answer.

“Oh, Animal. Look at you.”

She was a teenager, but the empathy in her face was far deeper than her age should allow.

“Go home, punk.” I had no bite in my words. No joking. Just flat.

Ember went to the window and opened it. “Nix’s coming home today. Do you want to shower? Get dressed?”

I closed my eyes to the bright light she let into my room.

“He can’t wait to get out of the hospital. Says people keep dropping by to see his tats. He’s like a mannequin in a store.” Ember threw the bottles of alcohol into the trash can without talking about the fact that I don’t drink. Didn’t drink.

I’d started when I got home from visiting Nix.

The depression matched the way the booze made me feel, though time seemed longer on it.

Ember kicked the clothes on the floor into a pile. She walked into my bathroom and started the shower.

“I told you to leave.” Maybe I was a mean drunk. Maybe I was just mean now.

Ember looked a little scared. I regarded her from the bed. I needed her out. She was here despite her deep anger at me for keeping the knowledge about Merck from her. That fight seemed like light years in the past now. I did my best to scare her away.

“Didn’t you say you wanted to fuck me? Come on in. I don’t have rules anymore. Let’s go. You a virgin? I can take care of that for you.”

She went from scared to angry in a hot minute. “Don’t you talk like that! Not to me.”

She stormed to the edge of my bed. If I’d been serious about scaring her, I would’ve pulled her onto me.

“My brother is on his way home. To this. To you. You’re his best friend. Don’t you dare think you’ll make him feel guilty for being alive.”

Ember flipped her hair and her eyes were fire. She was getting a rhythm.

“T didn’t want you to make him feel like a trash bag for living.”

The mention of her name was a tsunami of pain again.

“Get out.” I tried to make her go away.

Her anger flooded out of her. “You don’t get to change. I count on you being you.”

Her youth was shining again. The fear in her face.

“Life changes. People change. Get out. Go to your aunt’s. You’re not welcome here.”

I watched as she came to the conclusion that she wasn’t going to be able to fix this. Fix me. Make me better so that Nix could have a happy homecoming.

“Okay, that’s how it is for you now. I see.” She walked slowly to the doorway. Just before she could have been considered truly out of my room, she looked over her shoulder. “I needed you today. I have a thing that I’m not sure about…”

I shook my head. “Handle it yourself. It’s what T would have done.” My words were toxic, meant to harm.

They struck their mark. Ember left and closed the door behind her.

The only thing left was the steam escaping from my bathroom from the shower she’d started.

I closed my eyes and had regret. T would have been pissed if she’d seen me treat Ember that way. I forced myself to sit up. The room was spinning. The alcohol was still in my system. I’d shower. Give Ember that much. Give T that much. At least Ember was talking to me.

Maybe I’d make all my choices this way from now on. T’s memory would be my jury.