Chapter 20

T

I had terrors from the night under the toll bridge. I excelled at blending in. Not being seen. Not being noticed. One small mistake—making eye contact with a random guy was my downfall the night they all attacked me. Maybe it was coming for me. No matter what night, the situation was dangerous, and I knew that.

I wanted choices, and I didn’t think I had that. Rejecting my foster mom’s attempts was probably thickheaded. Animal would’ve made it work to his advantage, somehow.

When he was the one to stop the attack, I saw him for who he was. When he held me in his arms in front of a bunch of cops and refused to put me down, I witnessed grace. I didn’t know what it was like to be a black guy in this society, but I knew enough about how the world worked to know he’d been in danger that night. That he’d decided he’d rather be shot dead than put me down and hurt me more. His soul was crystal clear to me. His loyalty matched to mine and beyond possibly.

But I couldn’t keep it up. Not this farce. Not the fight. I knew it didn’t make sense to anyone but him and me. I left Animal in the parking lot, but I stopped by my mom’s place to get another sneak peek at her face. That night I got lucky. I was able to see into her room through a parted curtain. She had her beautiful hair down. Usually she kept it in a bun, but when it was down, I liked how much it proved that we were matches. Mother and daughter.

I remembered taking turns brushing it back in the day. On a good day. Maybe it was a good month. Time was judged by how she was feeling.

“Talon, we could get a perm in this hair. Really amp up these curls.”

How old was I then? Who knew? Maybe eight? We were in the money—what I later learned was her disability check. Mom tried really hard, but money was not an impulse she had control over. I would get a cartful of toys, and then the next week we’d be hungry.

My name was Talon. Well, technically still was. I got made fun of in school for my name, even though I really liked it. Mom was reckless with her heart and my name, but it worked.

When I figured out what happened, how the ramifications of her illness affected Mom, I insisted on being called T by everyone, save for her. I wanted the person I was to stay with my mom. And by going to the first letter of my name only, I could make something that she and I shared.

A doctor had put my name preference on a chart somewhere, and when I changed schools, it stuck. It took a few years, but Talon disappeared entirely. T took her place.

The night I left Midville the first time, I had blood on my hands. I wasn’t going to leave Smiley alive to hurt Animal. He was an unfinished thread in a narrative I was intent on completing. The lack of remorse I felt after killing the other three taught me something about what I could handle. Maybe I was different than everyone else. There was one quick solution. Smiley was out on bail. I spent a few minutes unbuttoning my shirt and painting red on my lips. With my hair back and a pair of glasses on, he didn’t recognize me. I tempted him from the docks where he was hanging with two other guys to follow me down to the bank of the river.

When I came back from the bank alone, I knew Animal was safe. And I knew I could murder people without losing a moment of sleep. I walked out of town that night.

My time away from Midville became about making sure that I could be weapon and a watchful owl. I could see everything and be able to fight back if I was forced to engage.

I still managed to go to school. Showing up places with just my own body and a fake ID was a good way to make sure there was no trail. I got an education, and when enough questions were asked, I moved on. I spent time with courses in libraries and even snuck into college classes as soon as I could pass as an enrolled student. I just had to make sure the professors were lax in their attendance.

I took defending myself seriously as well. One of the community colleges offered a course on self-defense for free. What I learned there about simple hold breaks and punches was like having a light turned on inside my soul.

I sought out training after that. I cleaned gyms for boxing lessons, offered to do paperwork for Tae Kwon Do instructions, and proffered weapons for criminals to learn how to shoot.

When I saw Animal at the prom with his two dates, I knew I could defend both him and me.

After the prom, I became more focused. I took up long distance running. The libraries were a network of knowledge. I did my best to make sure I knew how to throw an ax. I got good at giving a massage so I could memorize pressure points. I could use that information against someone. Squeezing the right spot could take down a person twice my size.

When the police in a town I was passing through needed volunteers for their officers to work with to learn how to hold people correctly, I signed up. Learning how to get out of the holds was important.

I took time to visit Midville. I watched Mom from a distance, making sure she was being treated well. She really did best without the pressures of being a mom. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, but I did it.

I missed Animal. I made acquaintances from time to time, but with Animal it was different. I was betting Animal got bigger. And crazy handsome. And his swagger as a kid had been incredible—it probably got even better.

I made enough money working odd under the table jobs to buy a motorcycle and enough weapons that I felt safe anywhere.

When I returned to the city—that night when he cruised up on his bike with Nix—I wasn’t expecting him. But I was hoping for him.

I got to know two randomly friendly hookers, and they always seemed ready to chat and make sure I was covered for the evening. I let them assume I was a hooker, too. That part of town was easy to meld into. It was my plan to hear how things were going with Animal. He’d been getting more and more into the lifestyle that Nix was living so I heard. I needed to have my ear to the pavement.

His name was easy to catch when it was tossed in a conversation. The women gossiped about him as well. I had to make sure I kept my jealousy in check. It wasn’t easy, but all that distance and time helped.

Assisting him that night was a given. I’d do anything he needed. Seeing the fire in his eyes when we connected was all the encouragement I needed to stay close to him. I was patient. And I was loyal.

And then I was going to be irreplaceable.