FIFTEEN
Leo silently cursed himself as he unlocked his apartment. He hadn’t wanted to go there with Roman. He needed to get the hell over this. Roman had fooled himself into believing he was straight. The guy was even more lost than he had been when they were kids, and he’d used Leo just to throw him away. Roman had moved on a long time ago, and it was time Leo started acting like it instead of the brokenhearted kid he had been.
When he pushed the door open, Roman grabbed his arm. Leo stopped moving, then turned to look at him.
“I’m here. Do you know how big of a deal that is to me? It’s life-changing, but I’m here regardless, trying to right the past. Trying to regain some kind of friendship with you because when I needed you, you were there. I don’t”—Roman shook his head—“I don’t know if I could have made it without you, and I don’t know what that means for me, but I’m here.”
Leo’s stomach rolled, his muscles clenched, and then…he made himself let it go. This wasn’t him, the bitter guy he turned into around Roman. He made the decision a long time ago: that wasn’t who he wanted to be; he wouldn’t let anyone or anything affect him this much, and he couldn’t let himself change that now.
When Roman let go of his arm, Leo didn’t let him go far. He hooked his finger through Roman’s, the same way they’d done in the park that day that seemed like a lifetime ago, and held him as he walked into his apartment. There was a second, a brief second that Roman froze up, but then he followed, closing the door behind them.
“It was a long night. Do you mind if I take a quick shower?” he asked Roman, who shook his head. “I won’t be long. Make yourself at home. There are pizza rolls in the freezer. You can pop some in the oven for us if you’re hungry.”
“Pizza rolls? I bet your mom loves that. Does she still make spaghetti on Sundays?”
Leo shook his head. That hadn’t lasted long—her making spaghetti after Mass every Sunday. It had been her way of trying to bring the family closer, but then she must have realized they never would be. She lost interest quickly and went back to doing things that were more important than spending time with her son. Still, she never had anything but authentic Italian in the house.
He didn’t wait for Roman to reply, just made his way down the hallway and into his room, grabbed what he needed, and went to the bathroom.
He didn’t know what they were doing here, what the point of it even was. He had no doubt it was temporary, but for whatever reason, seeing Leo had piqued Roman’s curiosity. Maybe because he was lying to himself about who he was, or maybe because he knew what he had done to Leo had been wrong. Maybe it was an early midlife crisis, but the man in his apartment with him wouldn’t be around long. He’d chosen the kind of life he wanted to live the same way Leo did, so they’d play this get-to-know-each-other-again game, make peace with their past, and be on their way.
Leo finished cleaning up, got dressed, brushed his teeth, and then left the bathroom. The second he did, he smelled food that didn’t smell like pizza rolls. He made his way into the main part of the apartment. The kitchen, living room, and dining room were actually one large space. There was a bar separating the kitchen from the hallway. The living room was across from that, and a small dining room that was too small to really be much of anything was beside the kitchen.
“I found eggs, salsa, and cheese. I figured we could have omelets.” Roman cooked eggs on the stove, and Leo watched him. What was he doing? Besides the obvious, that was.
“Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you.” Leo sat on a barstool while Roman continued making their food. A few minutes later, he handed Leo a plate with an omelet on it.
“Thank you,” Leo said again, not sure what else to say.
Roman joined him at the bar as they ate breakfast at close to three in the morning.
“Tell me about her.” He wasn’t sure why he needed to know about Roman’s woman, but he did.
Roman finished chewing his bite. The bar was small. They were close enough that their legs touched, Roman’s slacks against Leo’s sweats, but neither man tried to find space to put between them.
“Her name is Amy. I met her in college. We were good friends. She was the only one I’d allowed myself to have. I’m not sure what it was about her. I spent all my time with Amy or focusing on school. After graduation, we lost track of each other for a while, and then when I was twenty-five, we met up again. We reconnected, and somewhere along the line, became more than friends. I can’t tell you exactly how or when it happened, but it did.”
Leo felt as though he had something stuck in his throat even though he hadn’t taken another bite. “Were you in love with her?”
“I love her.” Roman’s answer came quickly. It made whatever was in Leo’s throat feel bigger. “But I’m not in love with her. I thought I could be. She knew. She was the one who had the balls to end it.” Roman went quiet, and somehow Leo knew he had more to say. He waited. They finished their food. Roman took a few swallows of his water and then said, “I don’t know that I’m capable of loving anyone, not like that.”
Maybe it made him a piece of shit, but part of him hoped Roman’s admission was true. If he wasn’t capable of loving someone, that meant he hadn’t rejected Leo because of something being wrong with him. No, it was something wrong inside Roman. Maybe part of Roman had wanted to love him, but he hadn’t been built that way, same as Leo.
“I’m not sure I’m capable of it either.” Not anymore. “Maybe it’s better that way.”
“Maybe,” Roman said.