EIGHTEEN
Roman couldn’t believe he was doing this. It somehow felt different than going into a club to wait for Leo to get off work. This was actually going out with the intent of…he wasn’t sure what exactly. He wasn’t much of a dancer. He hadn’t really tried, but he assumed that’s what Leo would want to do—go out to dance, and drink, and party.
Being a twenty-eight-year-old man, the logical part of him knew this shouldn’t be a big deal. It wasn’t as though he never went out. He wasn’t that much of a homebody. But this was different, and that’s what made his gut tighten in a way he was embarrassed about.
This shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was.
“Knock, knock,” he heard Amy call from the living room. She’d called a few minutes before and said she was stopping by.
“In the bedroom.” His gut twisted. It wasn’t as though he didn’t want to see her, but it added an extra layer of awkwardness to what he already felt. He was looking for clothes to wear to a gay club with the guy he’d thought he loved when he was a kid, while his recent ex-girlfriend walked into the apartment they used to share.
“Hey…I just wanted to check on you. How are you doing?” she asked.
Roman stood still in front of his closet but turned his head her way. She was a beautiful woman. He’d considered himself lucky to have her, but when he looked at her, at the softness of her skin, the feminine curves of her body, he didn’t appreciate all of it the way other men did when they looked at her. For years he’d chalked it up to not being overly sexual, but was that the truth? He would have to be stupid to believe it was.
Roman ignored those thoughts. “I’m doing well. Thank you.”
“Jesus, you sound like you’re speaking to a client. Loosen up, Roman. I’m okay.”
His body relaxed slightly. He really did need her to be okay. “I’m sorry.”
“No need to be.” Amy walked closer to him. “Did you go and see him?”
“I did. We…talked.” He ran a hand over his face. “Damn, this is so fucking strange. I don’t know what’s going on, Amy.”
She looked at him like a mom looked at her kid when they said something she knew was a lie. “Yes, you do. You’re being honest for the first time in too long. I think part of me knew. You noticed men outside of him. You watched men, studied them. I can’t say I didn’t notice it…but we were comfortable, so I lied to myself.”
While he was ignoring things, he decided to ignore that as well.
Amy took in a deep breath and then let it out. “So why are you standing in front of the closet in your underwear like you’re lost?”
Because in so many ways, he was. “I’m…I’m going out. We’re heading out, and I don’t know what to wear.” Roman bit back a groan at his own words. “And obviously, I’ve lost my fucking mind as well.” He stepped into the closet and pulled out a long-sleeved black shirt and a pair of nice jeans. “They’re clothes. I don’t know what I’m thinking.”
She smiled, obviously holding back a laugh, and he said, “Shut up.”
But she didn’t shut up. Not Amy. “You’re being different. I almost don’t recognize you right now.”
Was he being different? He guessed maybe he was, though he couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. Why he didn’t feel the anger and fear he had when Leo first came back into his life. The guilt over hitting Leo was still there, but the rest of it faded into the background.
It was a strange experience—part of him felt free, eager to do these things, to go out and get to know Leo again; but there was also a part of him that just wanted to pretend it never happened. Leo was tied to his painful past, one that Roman tried to forget on a daily basis.
It was similar to how he’d felt as a kid. They were different. Even if it hadn’t mattered to their families that either of them was with another man, they had years of family hatred between them. Roman had been confused and scared when he first began spending time with Leo. Yes, he’d been the one to make the moves and change their relationship, but he’d been scared to death. He’d done it because he hated that fear. He’d wanted to be brave. He wasn’t sure if he had the same bravery anymore.
He groaned, wanting to step back into the closet and never leave it.
“It’s just a date. Relax, Roman.”
“It’s not a date,” he told Amy, but it was. He knew it was. Damned if that fucking scar didn’t start hurting again.
♦
Roman took a cab to Leo’s apartment so he didn’t have to worry about parking. When he got to the front door, he pulled at his shirt that suddenly felt uncomfortable, and then stopped. What was wrong with him? He hadn’t felt uncomfortable in his own clothes since he was a kid.
Roman knocked. It was only a few moments later when Leo shouted for him to come in. He opened the door and stepped inside, then stopped dead in his tracks. Leo looked…beautiful, sexy…different.
Beautiful…he thought Leo was beautiful.
He remembered thinking it when they were kids. A part of him probably thought it the first time he’d seen him as an adult as well, but he hadn’t been willing to admit it to himself.
Beautiful, he thought again. He thought a man was beautiful, and there was no denying it.
He wore tight black jeans that hugged his long legs. A white T-shirt that almost looked too worn, but as though it was supposed to look that way. Like he’d gotten out of bed and pulled it on after spending all night fucking, which if he was being honest, he would admit was sexy.
He’d changed out the black gauges in his ears for white ones, and his hair looked different. Maybe like he’d put something in it that made it look messy, in the sexiest possible way. It made the curls on top of his head show a little more.
“Nice…very nice,” Leo said, pulling him out of his thoughts and making him smile. It was strange how quickly these feelings unburied themselves when he wasn’t trying so hard to keep them locked down. “You’re going to be hit on all night, Tough Guy. Can you handle it?”
He saw Leo’s eyes go wide at the familiar nickname, as though he hadn’t expected the words to come out. But they had, and Roman was just as shocked by it as Leo was. It had started as a joke between them—when Roman gave him shit and called him Pretty Boy, Leo called him Tough Guy.
“I forgot about that,” Leo said lightly, breaking the uncomfortable silence. He hadn’t, though. Somehow Roman knew he hadn’t.
“I don’t want to be hit on, but thank you. You…you look good too,” Roman told him. He watched as Leo grabbed a couple of leather bracelets from the bar and snapped them around his wrists. “And we both know you’re going to be hit on all night.”
Leo looked over at him, a half smile tilting the corner of his lips. “Be careful, or I’ll think you’re jealous.”
He probably was, but in more ways than one. Jealous because a long time ago, he’d considered Leo his. He’d wanted Leo to belong to him. They’d whispered secrets and made plans that would never come to pass. Only…some of those plans had come true for Leo. Roman had things he never expected to have—a career, respect, responsibility—but that stupid sixteen-year-old kid he’d been somehow made himself believe he’d really travel the United States with Leo. That they’d walk down the street together and it wouldn’t matter. That they’d hold hands and go out, and fuck the rest of the world, fuck their parents if they had a problem with it. The thing was, he knew he shouldn’t be nervous. He lived in LA. It was diverse, people didn’t give a shit, but his upbringing didn’t let him see past his father’s fist.
Leo had lived his life that way.
The more time he spent with Leo, the more he began thinking about those things…about how he used to feel. Or thought he’d felt? No, he had felt it, hadn’t he? All of it had been real. Every. Single. Thing he’d felt had been real. He’d only been in denial about it.
“Let’s go,” Roman said in response, angry at himself for letting his mood darken.
Leo shook his head. “You’re pissed. I see it. You forget I know you, Roman. Maybe the man in front of me has changed in a million different ways from the boy I knew, but the core, that part of you is still there. That guy who used to sneak out to see me even though he knew his dad would fucking kill him if he found out. The guy who kissed me and sucked my dick before we knew what the hell we were doing. The one who would have done anything to make me okay and who was so fucking brave, I can’t even put it into words. The one who risked his life for us. That was you, Ro. You did that shit, and you’re still in there. I know it.”
And that was another thing Roman decided to ignore.