FORTY
Roman had fragmented memories of what had happened. Little flashes, like a slideshow, would play through his mind. He just had to work on making a full picture of it, because the truth was, it had almost been like he stepped out of himself for a moment. As though he’d shut down, hadn’t been inside his own head or responsible for his actions.
“Mr. Cipriani?” One of the nurses poked her head around the curtain. “There’s a man here who would like to see you. His name is Leo. He—”
“Let him in,” Roman croaked out as he lay on his side in the hospital bed. They were some of the first words he’d managed to speak since he arrived. He thought maybe he’d been in some kind of shock? Again, it was distorted in his head.
Leo was there then, pushing through the curtain and walking to the bed. He didn’t say a word at first, just climbed into the bed beside Roman, on his side so he could face him.
He ran his hand through Roman’s hair. Roman reached around, finding his familiar spot on the back of Leo’s neck…and somehow, things were better. Not okay, but better. Roman felt like he could breathe again. “He’s out,” Roman told him.
Leo’s body went rigid. “I know. I saw him. I wanted to fucking kill him. If there hadn’t been officers there, I don’t know what I would have done. He doesn’t fucking matter, though. Only you. Are you okay?”
Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? he heard in Anthony’s voice. He’d asked if Roman was okay, more than once. He couldn’t see Anthony’s face when he’d said it, but Roman had heard him.
“I think so. It was like…” He paused, trying to find the words he needed. “When I saw him, I lost it. I froze. One moment I didn’t know if it was real, the next it was like I was back there, standing in that yard, getting beaten by them, but this time, I wasn’t going to let them win. I wasn’t going to let them take you away from me. This time I was going to fight back.”
Even to himself, the words sounded crazy. How could he feel like he was back in that yard at sixteen, but also feel as though he was himself, now, and not willing to let Anthony and his father win again?
“You busted him up—his lip and his eye. I’m going to have to start calling you Tough Guy again.”
He wanted to laugh at Leo’s joke because laughing was so much easier than the rest of it, but he couldn’t. “I’m scared, Leo.” There was another truth.
Leo scooted closer, held Roman tighter. “He’s not going to fucking touch you. I won’t let him.”
Roman shook his head. “Not of Anthony.” Though maybe there was some fear there. Realistically, it was pretty impossible for it not to be there, but that wasn’t what he was talking about. “I’m not scared of him. I’m scared of…of me. Of what’s inside. What if my past fucked me up permanently? Jesus, I’ve lived twelve years in denial, twelve years living a lie. The only reason I was able to confront that lie is because of you.”
That was the part that was hard to admit, but Roman knew he had to. Tonight had been a wakeup call for him. “But I didn’t really confront it, did I? I covered it up, pretended it didn’t exist.”
Leo’s eyes closed, and Roman could plainly see the pain on his face. Could feel it in the way Leo’s hold on him tightened. “We both pretended it didn’t exist,” Leo told him.
Maybe they had, but Roman more so than Leo. All he’d focused on was that he wanted Leo. That he’d loved him and finally had him back.
Roman knew he couldn’t do that anymore.
“I almost wanted to run when your mom called,” he admitted. “A fucking phone call, and the lie I spun about being okay began to unravel. It brought me back, made…” Jesus, he hated this. “Made me feel like I was doing something wrong again. Like I was that kid I thought I left behind. The whole time I think I knew it was happening, but I lied to myself about it just as much as I lied to you. I had a nightmare and I pushed you, and was afraid while telling myself and you that everything was fine. I don’t know if everything is fine anymore, Leo.” Was it ever fine? Had it ever been, or had he just found a way to continue to lie to himself even after he got Leo back?
Leo leaned away slightly and looked at him. His brows pulled together, his hazel eyes full of concern. “Ro…you are the most important thing. Whatever you need, I’ll give you. If you need time, I understand.”
“No.” Roman shook his head. “I don’t need time away from you. I just… I can’t pretend… I don’t think I can do this on my own. I don’t think I have it all sorted out in my head. When we were kids, we tried to live in our own bubble. It worked for a while, and then it burst. When my dad was killed and Anthony was locked up, I tried to do it again. I tried to create this new Roman who forgot about the past, who pretended it didn’t exist, and I focused on my work bubble or my Amy bubble.” He’d always created those safe spaces for himself, he realized. Whether it was keeping to himself and focusing on nothing but school, or needing Amy and no one else, or losing himself in his job. “When I saw you at that bar, my bubble burst again, but I still didn’t fucking learn. I just created a new one with you, where I was okay and could be myself, but still tried to pretend the past didn’t matter. It matters, and I don’t think I have a future until I can deal with that.”
That admission was possibly Roman’s biggest truth of all.
He was still the same Roman he’d always been. He was raised by a hateful father and brother. He was gay and fell in love with a boy when he was sixteen. His own family had beaten him. Those things would never go away. They would always be a part of who he was. He had to face them, deal with them, or he would never truly move on.
“Then we deal with it,” Leo told him. “Whatever you need, Ro, I’ll do it. You need me to go with you and support you, I’ll be there. You need some space, I’ll give you that. You’ve been through more than most people; you’ve accomplished so fucking much. You’ll deal with this too. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. To admit it just makes you braver than you already are.”
Jesus, he loved this man.
Roman wasn’t going to pretend things would be easy. He honestly didn’t know how he felt knowing that Anthony was out, that he was there, but he wouldn’t let his family take anything else from him. Not again.
“Knock, knock.” A man’s voice came from the other side of the curtain before Dr. Paulsen came in.
“How are you feeling, Roman?” he asked.
“Okay.”
He shifted in the bed, as did Leo, but Leo didn’t make a move to get up, and Roman didn’t want him to. He needed Leo here with him.
“All your test results came back normal. The scan was clean, but I’m a little concerned because of your behavior when you were brought in. There was some obvious confusion reported by EMS, and we saw it here as well. For a little while, you were almost catatonic, so I’m going to request that you’re admitted, at least for a night. I’d like to have a mental-health evaluation done.”
Leo gave him a reassuring squeeze…and Roman nodded. “I think that would be a good idea.”
Dr. Paulsen nodded. “We also have two officers who would like to talk to you. I can have them come back. Tell them now isn’t a good time.”
“No,” Roman told him. “I want to get it over with.”
“Good man,” he replied. “We’ll get you taken care of, Roman. And if you’d like, I can have the clerk come in to add your partner to the emergency-contact forms.”
“Please.”
His partner. He liked the sound of that.
“Will do.” The doctor gave him a kind smile before leaving.
“I should probably sit up,” he told Leo, who nodded.
Leo got out of the bed while Roman raised the head of it. Leo planted himself in the chair right beside him, his hand on Roman’s leg.
The officers came in next. Roman was completely honest that no, his brother, who was on parole, hadn’t tried to hurt him tonight. He explained that they had a troubled past, without going into all the details because there wasn’t anything they could do about it now. He answered all their questions and took their card. It was less than half an hour later that they left, and Amy came in.
They hugged each other while she cried. He told her he loved her and that he was okay. The woman would forever be a part of his life. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind about that.
She didn’t leave until Roman was admitted to the floor, and before going, she and Leo exchanged phone numbers.
Leo stayed, of course.
Roman couldn’t sleep that night, but it didn’t surprise him. His nightmares were awful. He saw Anthony every time he closed his eyes. He’d looked so different from the man Roman remembered…softer…sadder…lonelier, but then he would morph into the Anthony he’d known growing up.
“Are you awake?” he asked Leo. It was probably close to five in the morning.
“Yeah.” Leo leaned up and looked at him.
“He asked me over and over if I was okay.”
Roman didn’t have to say who he was talking about. He could see the wave of anger flood Leo’s face.
“I’m not saying I forgive him or even that I want to talk to him again.” Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he could handle that. “I’m just saying…my father was a very persuasive man. You didn’t cross him. We were both kids, and he was our father. We loved him. We wanted to make him proud. Maybe Anthony was just as scared of him as I was.”
“That doesn’t excuse what he did.”
“No,” Roman said. “I know it doesn’t.” The only thing he did know was that he was tired of letting his past strangle him. It was time to break free.