THIRTY-SEVEN
Leo’s mom continued to call. He ignored three attempts to reach him over the next two weeks, which of course always came when Roman was there.
He didn’t know why that made Roman uncomfortable, but it did. The truth was, Roman had been slightly off since the first time she’d called when they were lying in bed. It was something he noticed at other moments too…just small things he said, or how he would space off more often. He always said he was thinking about work being busy or a hundred other excuses that didn’t ring true.
The thing was, Leo couldn’t put his finger exactly on what it was…but he still felt a twist in his gut that said something wasn’t right.
But then when Roman was like himself, when they’d laugh or fuck or watch TV, Leo told himself he imagined it. That it was typical work stress and everything was fine. Leo hadn’t decided if he was lying to himself or if what he feared would happen had—that Roman would pull away. That something would make him realize he wasn’t ready for this, or that it wasn’t who he was.
And maybe…just maybe, it would be Leo’s fault for pushing him.
After getting off work, Leo unlocked his apartment door. He was exhausted, his muscles heavy and his mind weary. He’d ended up getting home later than he usually did. It was leather night and a fight had broken out, which wasn’t something that happened often. All he wanted to do was to go climb into bed with Roman.
To hold him because damned if everything didn’t feel better with Roman in his arms. He didn’t know what it was with them, why they connected on such a soul-deep level, but they did. They’d done it as teenagers, and now they’d done it again.
The lights in the apartment were off other than a soft glow over the stove. Roman usually left it on for Leo when he went to bed before Leo got home from work.
As he made his way down the hall, a gentle moan met his ears. At first it made him smile, hearing Roman mumble in his sleep, but the closer to their room he got, the more anxious the noise sounded and the faster his heart beat. The more he realized something was wrong.
“No,” Roman whispered. “No, please don’t. I’ll be good. I’ll do right. Please don’t hit me again.”
Leo’s blood ran cold, rage and sorrow colliding in his chest as he rushed toward the bed.
“Leo…Leo…Leo…” Roman repeated Leo’s name in his sleep. Then suddenly his body jerked, thrashed, as if he’d been electrocuted. Roman’s voice got louder, a sharp panic to it. “I don’t wanna die. They’re going to kill me. Please don’t let them kill me!”
Leo clicked on the lamp. “Oh fuck. Hey, it’s me, baby. It’s Leo. You’re dreaming, Ro, wake up.”
His hand trembled as he brushed Roman’s hair away from his forehead, his fingers collecting sweat. Roman knocked his hand away, shocking Leo. He let out a wail that pierced every fucking thing inside Leo. Shattered him into a million pieces. Roman’s cry was so broken, so alone, and it just kept coming—loud, painful cries that ripped Leo’s beating heart from his chest.
“Roman, wake up! You’re having a nightmare.” He shook Roman, who shoved him. Leo tripped backward and fell to the floor, the back of his head slamming into the dresser as he went.
The crack was loud, and somehow, it jerked Roman out of his sleep. “Oh shit. Leo?” Roman scrambled, his eyes wide in panic and confusion.
Roman took one look at Leo, panic and shame joining the other emotions in the worry lines etched into his face, and he could see Roman realized he’d pushed him. “It’s okay, I’m fine. You were having a nightmare.”
“Oh fuck. I’m sorry. I’m so goddamned sorry.” Roman leaped out of the bed and went to him. Leo didn’t realize he had his hand on the back of his head until Roman pushed it away to touch it. “Oh shit, Leo. There’s a knot back here. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” There was real pain in his voice—pain and fear. His pupils were large, dilated. His hand trembled as he caressed Leo’s head, and Leo saw sweat drip from his temple, droplets running down his neck and chest.
It was wrong… Somehow Roman didn’t look like himself, or maybe like he didn’t feel like himself, and true fear clung to Leo in ways he didn’t ever remember experiencing.
Something was wrong. Something might truly be wrong.
Jesus…he might not be okay. What if he’s not okay? “It’s just a bump. I’m fine.” Leo grabbed Roman’s hand, kissed it, hoping to settle him, to comfort him. “I’ve hit my head harder than that on the headboard when I’m fucking you,” he lied, but he could tell Roman didn’t fall for it. If anything, he seemed to retreat, even though he hadn’t physically moved…he was right there, touching Leo…yet he felt a hundred miles away.
“Let me get you some ice.” Roman’s voice was detached, hollow-sounding.
Leo reached for Roman, who scrambled away as if he didn’t want Leo’s touch, or as if he wasn’t sure he could handle it. Roman stood, turned, and walked naked into the other room.
It was a nightmare, just a nightmare, Leo told himself. It would be unbelievable if Roman didn’t have nightmares after all he’d been through.
But his gut didn’t sit well with that. It was more. He knew it was more, even though he didn’t want to believe it.
Leo pushed to his feet and sat on the edge of the bed. It was only a few moments later that Roman returned, not holding Leo’s eyes before he leaned over to press the ice to the back of Leo’s head.
“I’m sorry, Leo. I’m so fucking sorry. I…I don’t know what happened.”
Roman trembled so heavily, the damn ice vibrated against Leo’s head.
“It’s fine. I said I’m fine.” He added more softly, “I’m more worried about you, Ro. Are you okay?”
Roman went stiff, and there wasn’t a doubt in Leo’s mind he was trying to steel himself. “I had a bad dream. You got shoved and hit your head. There’s no reason to worry about me.”
“There’s no reason to worry about me either. I fuck rougher than that.” He tried again to lighten the heaviness in the room.
“I hit you, Leo. I fucking hit you.”
“No, you didn’t. You were having a nightmare, and I tried to wake you. It startled you; that’s all. Come’ere.” Damned if Leo didn’t hear the shaking in his own voice.
Roman didn’t acknowledge him, didn’t move, not right away. Leo caught Roman’s stare, wouldn’t look away even when Roman did, begging Roman to look at him, to let Leo hold him. To make Leo believe he was okay. In this moment, they both needed comfort Leo wasn’t sure was possible.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Roman exhaled a heavy breath and positioned himself between Leo’s legs with his hands on the back of Leo’s neck, and Leo wrapped his arms around Roman’s waist. Roman pulled him close, threaded his fingers through Leo’s hair.
The ice had dropped to the bed. He didn’t care about that right now. Leo cared about Roman…about them. He needed Roman to be okay, needed to feel Roman against him. He kissed Roman’s stomach, squeezed him, trying to let him know he was here, he wasn’t going anywhere. He’d never go anywhere, not again.
“I need to lie down with you,” Roman croaked out in a broken voice, so Leo lay down, shoes and all, as Roman climbed into bed with him.
Leo lay on his back, Roman on his side, his right arm and leg draped over Leo. He was still trembling, his whole fucking body vibrating uncontrollably.
“I’m sorry,” Roman said again.
“Don’t be sorry, just tell me what happened. Was it…Anthony? And your dad?”
There was a pregnant pause and then, “Yes,” Roman told him. “I haven’t dreamed of it in a while. I don’t know why I did tonight, but it was like…like I was back there…in that yard. They were hitting me, and I was crying… I was afraid, so damn afraid, Leo. It was so fucking real.” Roman rubbed Leo’s side, making circles with his fingers.
Christ, if he could, Leo would fucking kill them for what they did to Roman, but he fought to keep his cool, fought not to show Roman how upset he was. He wanted to be strong for Roman.
Leo kissed his forehead, squeezed him tighter. “I think that’s understandable. You went through something that most people can’t comprehend, and now in the past few months, your life has changed in a lot of ways. It makes sense that you would dream about it. Maybe…” Leo sighed. “Maybe we’re moving too fast and you don’t realize it. Maybe—”
“No,” Roman cut him off. “Don’t do that. It was a fucking nightmare, like you said. It’s been a tough couple weeks at work, and I have a lot on my mind. It happens.”
A million thoughts warred in Leo’s brain. He wanted Roman to be right so fucking bad, he could taste it…but what if he wasn’t? What if he was actually hurting Roman and didn’t know it? “Ro…have you considered that you might need to talk to someone? You never have, right? Even when you were in college?”
His hand stopped moving. “No, I haven’t, and I don’t need to now. The past is the past. I’m living here now…in the present…with you.”
Leo kissed his forehead again, not knowing what to say. Hoping that Roman was right, but knowing it wasn’t that easy. “But it couldn’t hurt…not really. Why don’t we just make some calls? I could go with you, if you want?”
“No. Jesus, I’m not going to tell anyone my business. I’m not going to sit on a couch and tell someone what my own family did to me. I’m fine, Leo. I had a shitty week and had a nightmare. I just need to relax. Clear my head. What if I take tomorrow off and we veg around the house all day? We spend the whole day naked and then maybe do something tomorrow night.”
Leo tried to believe Roman, tried to chuckle, but it felt wrong on his tongue. “Now you sound like me.”
“I just need to clear my head, and I’ll be fine. Spend the day with me, Leo.” He kissed Leo’s neck, licked his collarbone. When Leo didn’t respond, he added, “If I don’t get out of this funk in a week or so, I’ll make some phone calls, okay? If I’m still feeling weird, I’ll go talk to someone.”
Leo exhaled. Thank God. “Promise?” he asked.
“Yes,” Roman replied. “I’ll be fine. I just need to clear my head. I have you now, so I’ll be fine.”
Leo kissed Roman’s temple again, hoping he was right.