CHAPTER NINE
Light Of My Life
Blue
“Your long drink of water coming to pick you up today?”
I look up at Jennifer and smile shyly. “Maybe.”
She laughs. “I love you like this.” Her cerulean eyes dance with mirth and her pink lips peel back to reveal a dazzling smile. Strands of blonde hair fall across one eye and she blows it back.
We’re having an in service day, which basically means paperwork, endless meetings, and now, revamping our rooms. Since we both have ages two to three, we work together. It’s easier to share a theme. I do part of the design, she does the other, and we come together to put it up. The two of us clicked from day one, and I have no problem admitting she’s my favorite co-worker.
“Like what?” I ask, glancing down from the chair I’m balanced on to staple on the tiny sailboats onto our water themed board that has us, ‘Sailing into Learning during the summer.’
“Happy. Like deep down, glowing skin, bright eyes, make me sick to my stomach full of joy.”
Her colorful words make me laugh. “What was I before?”
“I don’t know, not this,” she replies.
“Jamie and I weren’t right for each other. Shadow…he gets the things about my life that mystify everyone else.” I shrug. “Maybe that’s what it is.”
“Maybe. Did Shadow chase him off? I haven’t seen him whisking you off for lunches trying to get back into your good graces.”
I scoff. “He was never out of my good graces. I just couldn’t give him what he wanted. Hell, I’m not sure I can give that to Shadow either.”
“Are you kidding? A fine looking man like that? I’d give him everything he wanted and more.” Jennifer wags her eyebrows.
I laugh. “If it was just that. It’d be easy.”
“Then what is it?” she asks.
“When I figure out the jumbled mess that are my thoughts, I’ll let you know. Anyone in your life?” I question, switching the subject.
“No. I’ve been on a few dates, but there’s no spark. It’s like they have the personality of a wet dishcloth. Yuck.”
I snicker. “You’re a baby, anyways. You have plenty of time.”
“I don’t know, twenty-five is pretty long in the tooth.”
I can’t contain the laughter that wells up and bubbles out. “You are so crazy, you know that?”
“I may have been told that a time or two,” she says, handing me another sailboat. “What’s he like?”
“Shadow? He’s not what you’d expect. I know he looks gruff, mean, and rude. But he’s caring, protective, and…well, sweet when he wants to be.”
“He know you refer to him as sweet?” she asks.
“Please, he’d be thrilled,” I say waving my hand flippantly.
“Interesting. Whatever he’s doing, I know it’s working for you. That’s all I care about.”
“That’s because you rock. It’s Friday. What are you up to for the weekend?” I ask.
“Sofa city with a pint of ice cream.”
“Seriously?” I arch an eyebrow. The girl is normally a social butterfly.
“Hey, I like a little me time every now and then,” she replies.
“Nothing wrong with that,” I agree.
“What about you?”
“No clue. I think there’s a party happening this weekend. Shadow has to work late, so we might catch the tail end of it. Ruthie and I have plans to do dinner and a movie this weekend. Her job’s been insane, and I’ve missed her.”
“You and him are amazing together. No lie, you could pull off your own show.”
“I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult,” I muse.
“Trust me, it’s a good thing.” Jennifer nods.
We continue to pimp our room and chat back and forth. It’s always nice to get an in service day and step away from the hands-on. The switch is almost therapeutic for me right now. My mind has been plagued with questions, and things with Shadow are growing more serious by the second. He’s got me in his bed at night, and I’m watching more and more of my things appear in his bedroom. I’m happy. However, the nagging doubts, insecurities, and unanswered questions are eating me alive from the inside out. We’ve kept things under wraps so far, per my request, but I know he’s getting tired of it.
My father would tell me to shit or get off the pot. I find myself longing for some one-on-one with my old man. With things going on in the club, I’ve barely seen him. Club business isn’t shared with us, but we can tell when they’re circling the wagons. The hours have gotten longer, security is heightened, and women are being told to watch for strangers or people we know asking too many questions. After the upset with Fuse, the last thing we need is another internal affair. The fact is, rats happen more than people want to admit.
Not everyone can hold up under pressure, and from time to time, the cops lean on us. They’re like sharks in the water. Once they scent blood, they’ll go in for the kill. I wonder why we’re suddenly on their radar. Usually, they keep to themselves and we do the same. I can’t help but wonder who upset the balance. Maybe someone new has a hard-on for a big take down. Clearly, they didn’t do their homework. We aren’t sloppy, stupid, or without one hell of a lawyer.
I leave work a few hours earlier than usual, but I’m drained nonetheless. I sit outside and grin when the familiar Harley roars its way up the road and enters the parking lot. He’s always right on time. It’s a trait I admire. He’s not a man who shirks his responsibility like some of the brothers.
He pulls up to the curb. “Hey, beautiful. How was your day?”
“Long.” Grinning, I hand him my purse.
After securing it in his saddlebag, he winks at me. “Let’s see what I can do to help you relax at home.”
I step onto the foot peg, swing my leg over, and climb on behind him. “I can think of a few things,” I say into his ear as I wrap my arms around his waist, and squeeze him with my thighs.
“Don’t get me riled up, babe. I don’t want you to lose your job and me to go back to the pen for indecent exposure.”
The thought of him taking me out in the open makes my panties wet. There’s something intoxicating about a man who wants me so badly, he’ll take me anytime, and any place.
We pull up in front of the house and I climb off. “Not coming in?” I ask as he hands me my bag.
“Nah, I need to go over some things with Skull before I start my shift. You coming by later with your girl?”
“Yeah, we’ll come over for dinner and drinks after our movie.”
“I’ll be looking for you.” He smoothes my hair back from my face and kisses my head.
The tender moments at his hands amazes me. That someone so large and intimidating could have the softest touch I’ve ever known, astounds me. I’m slightly dazed as I enter the house. How much longer can you keep playing house without taking his claim? It was almost disrespectful living this half life. Being an Old Lady was an honor, and I knew he wanted it, but I avoid any conversation that so much as hints at it. This could be my every day if I got it together.
I lower my head and close my eyes. They say you should never ask questions you don’t want the answers to, yet here I am about to knock on the devil’s door. Nothing good ever comes from listening to Calla’s ranting. But she’s gotten into my head with her toxin and it’s rotting my brain. I have no choice but to investigate. Deep down, I always knew something in my family wasn’t quite right. That our dynamics were grossly imbalanced for a reason. I pull out my phone.
“Everything okay, baby girl?” my father asks.
“No, Dad, it’s not.”
“I need to put a boot up someone’s ass?” he snarls.
I laugh. “No. I just need to talk to you about family crap. You have the time today?”
“Yeah, come on by the house.”
“Is Mom there?” I ask.
“She’s out on one of her shopping sprees.”
“Perfect. I’ll be over in ten.” I sprint to my room, kick off my flats, strip down, put on jeans and a tank top then the slip-ons. In casual gear, I hurry out of the house. I want to see Bolt before he leaves with his best friend for the weekend. We’ve fallen into an easy rhythm, and the incident at his school has brought us closer together.
***
“What’s this family crap you need to talk to me about?” Dad asks.
I perch on the edge of the couch and lace my fingers together to give them something to do. “It’s something Calla said the last time I went to visit her.”
Dad sighs and rubs his temple. “All that girl does is cause problems.”
“Look, Dad, I know. She’s bitter and hateful, I get that. But there was something about this that rang true. What’s different about me and her?”
“Jesus fucking Christ, I knew this shit was going to come back and bite me in the ass. As much as I tried to keep this shit under wraps, the past never stays where it belongs.”
My stomach drops. “Dad? She wasn’t lying?”
“For once, no.” He wipes his lips with his hands. “See, this is the shit that drives me crazy. You girls are like a riddle I can’t find the answers to. The hormonal touch feely shit. Uh-uh.” He paces the length of the room. “This is why I let your mother handle it, but she did you wrong. I knew it, but I didn’t have any better suggestions. And I wanted what was best for you. The both of you.”
“Daddy?”
“I never wanted Calla to know she wasn’t mine.”
The air is stolen from my lungs. My head spins. “Not yours?”
“Your mom and me. We did our dancing around one another. There were no definite commitments and she had a heart divided. I might’ve considered sharing her if it wasn’t him.”
I know the way things work, woman swapping isn’t uncommon. It’s not for everyone, but the disgust in his voice tells me there was something wrong about the man.
“Who’s him, Dad?”
“Battle.”
My jaw drops.
Battle is a patched brother who’s a living legend. Locked up in the high security penitentiary, he was in for life after he went down for a case of murder no lawyer could get him out of. The blood lust crazy bastard was the warning to patched members about going too far. He crossed a line and never came back from it.
“You see why I kept it from her. That sick son of a bitch. If he ever got wind of the truth, we’d all be up shit creek.” His voice is low and gravelly. “I could get my ink taken for this, fucking with a brother’s family. But your mother begged me to take Calla on as mine and put my last name behind her, so I did.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yeah. That whole family is off. I’m always looking at her wondering if this shit is just in her blood. It’s awful I know, but I can’t help it.”
“How did she find out?”
“The damndest thing. The one fucking time she pays attention in school we end up in a total shit storm. She gets our blood type for a project. I’m A+ and your mom is AB+, she’s O positive. It ain’t possible. Nothing we could say in the face of that.”
“No one knows?”
“And they can’t.” He narrows his eyes and his voice lowers to a gravelly growl.
“Dad, I get that. I just…” I shake my head.
“Once she found out, she went off the rails and held the threat over us. We had to handle her with kid gloves. There was so much at risk and she was too young and immature to fully grasp it. I wanted to ring her damn neck. But I had to keep my distance, so I let the corralling fall to you. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the best we could swing. Your mom felt so got damn guilty, she bent over backward to kiss Calla’s ass, making the entire thing worse. What the girl needed was an ass whooping and a wakeup call years ago.”
“And now?”
He shakes his head. “No she’s behind bars getting even crazier than she already was. But when she gets out, Bolton will be a man. Hopefully, she’ll have grown the fuck up, but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting on that shit.”
Suddenly, so much made sense. I rest my hands on my thighs as I try to take it all in. My entire life I’d suffered because of an unfortunate birthright. “Why didn’t you tell us or me? All this time she knew and I was in the dark. Do you know what it was like for me being in her shadow? It felt like I was trying to undo all the bad she did. I didn’t get to be a teenager. You’re all about living free, and you doomed me to live in a cage of your making.” I jump up from the couch. “This is bullshit.”
“Girl, you better watch your tone. I didn’t want this. I should’ve stopped it earlier. I admit it. Guilt makes you do a lot of things. Part of me liked that you were on the up and up. I had a lot of pride for your accomplishments. But I never knew you felt the weight like this.”
“I thought I had to be perfect. Do you know what that feels like? The weight of the world on tiny shoulders. God! I feel like I haven’t ever lived and I’m almost in my mid-thirties. I can’t believe you kept this from me. All this time, I wondered what I did to make her hate me.”
“It was never you.”
Fury made me see red. “I’ve wasted so much time and energy on this. No more. I will never be that perfect shell of a person again. You hear me?” I stand up from the couch. “I’m going to live my life how I see fit, and you aren’t going to say shit about it.”
My father holds out his hands. “That’s all I ever wanted for you.”
“You had a real shitty way of showing it, Dad. All I ever wanted to do was please you and make you and Mom proud. But it was like, no matter what, Calla was the star. She got all the attention, and anytime she didn’t fuck up…she was lavished with praise. Me? I was expected to do that, it was no big deal. Just Bluebell being Bluebell. I mean, why wouldn’t she be perfect? Little Miss Book Worm with her prim and proper edict. I didn’t fit into the civilian world and I didn’t fit into our world. It was a lonely place. For better or worse, I can’t live there anymore.”
“Babe, no one was asking you to do that in the first place.”
“Yeah, you were. Not in so many words, but here,” I gesture toward his eyes, “I saw it daily. You tell Mom I knew. I always thought she liked Calla better.”
“It was never about that.”
“Yeah, I get it. Guilt is a hell of a thing.”
My dad grits his teeth.
I know I’m pushing his buttons. He’ll let me have a little more leeway before he reels me in. It’s not him I’m angry at, not really. Mom placed him in a precarious situation and he did the best he could with it, and with my volatile sister.
“Did you always know? You said she asked you to play along and you did. But I got to tell you, Pop, it doesn’t sound much like you.”
He snickers. “Always too smart for your own good. It came out in the wash like everything else, little girl. I didn’t know there were doubts at all. Then Calla started to grow and I saw things, so I asked Pixie and she told me. I knew it then. But what’s DNA after you raised a child up? Nothing. I never wanted it to change shit. Your sister saw it as a betrayal like we lied to her and ruined her life. I think the pressure of having that crazy son of a bitch for her father drove her down the path he led.” Suddenly, he looks run down and old. The lines around his mouth and eyes stand out a little bit more. There seems to be more silver than black in his hair. It must’ve been a punch to the gut.
“I’m not mad at you, Pop. I get that you did the best, but this knowledge would’ve change everything for me. I have to figure out who I am outside of this role. I want to see where this thing with Shadow goes and I need your backing. I don’t know how people will react. What Calla will do. For once, I need you in my corner, Pops. Can you do that?”
“I always got your six, baby girl. Never doubt that for a minute.”
***
Shadow
“Your girl’s here, man. Why don’t you take five to molest her where the customers can’t see,” Skull teases.
“Jealous?” I ask.
“Right now I am,” Skull agrees.
I glance up and my jaw drops. Poured into a pair of cut off blue jeans, and a love cut black tank top with the Kings’ emblem on it, Blue is a wet dream walking. The only thing that could make it better would be my ink and a Property of vest. My dick gets hard just thinking about it.
“Who’s the friend?”
“You know her, man. Ruthie. She looks different now, huh?”
“She grew up real nice,” Skull says.
I snort. “Good luck with that one.”
“What? She stuck up?” Skull asks as they make their way over.
“I think she’s looking for more than a quick ride on a bike.”
“Who said it’d be quick?” Skull retorts.
I glance at the man at the end of the bar. “Move.”
He grabs his beer and relocates to the middle.
“Hey, babe,” I say. I lean over, grab her hair, and fuck her mouth with my tongue. It’s the first public display we’ve had in our world, and I want it to leave an impression. The eye fucking going on as she made her way over didn’t sit right with me. I move away.
She moans, resting her palms on my chest to steady herself. “Hi,” she says softly.
Ruthie laughs.
“Hey, Ruthie.”
“Hey, Shadow, how’s it going?”
“Better now.” I glance over at Skull. “This is Skull. You’ve met before, I’m sure.”
“Yes, but it’s been a while. Hey, Skull.”
“Hey, Ruthie.” Skull nods.
It’s wall to wall, yet all I can see is the woman in front of me. “How was the movie?” I ask.
“Good.”
I study her face. She seems strained. I arch an eyebrow. “Something happen?”
“No, we can talk about it later.”
“All right,” I agree reluctantly. She has an independent streak a mile long. The woman doesn’t know how to step back and be taken care of. It drives me insane, but it’s also going to make her a damn good Old Lady. “You ladies hungry?”
“Starving,” Ruthie answers, yelling to be heard over the noise.
Skull sets down two menus.
“Let me know what you want to drink and I’ll get it started,” I say, rapping my knuckles on the counter before I go down the bar, collecting dirty dishes, and refilling drinks. I like being behind the bar. It’s a good view of the entire place and I’m not a people person. I don’t want to take your order or tell you about the special. I’ll pour you a drink, take your money, and stop any problems that arise before they get too wild. Our girls are sexy, it’s part of the appeal of Chaos, and sometimes, men don’t know how to accept no.
Time goes slower than I ever imagined possible with Blue at the bar. My eyes keep coming back to the clock. I watch Havoc swagger up and lean against the bar beside Blue.
“Well, this is a new development, isn’t it?” Havoc asks.
Blue looks at me and I nod.
“Yeah, it is, Havoc,” I say.
“Psycho know?”
“Yeah, we cleared it through him, got his blessing. He’s not a brother you want to cross,” I answer.
“Yeah, no shit,” Havoc replies. He pulls at his white beard and glances from me to Blue. “You sister hopping?”
“No, finally got the one I always wanted.” I cover her hand and squeeze it.
“That right?” Havoc asks.
“Yeah, brother, that’s a fact.”
“Little Bluebell’s the one you were pinning for? How’d you end up with Calla?”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Havoc,” I say, careful to keep things polite. The brother is second gen. He’s been in this longer than me, I owe him respect, but he’s crossing a line.
“Hmmm. You know we don’t treat our family like club girls.”
“That ain’t going on here, Hav.”
The old man studies me with shrewd brown eyes. “Hmm. Time will tell, won’t it?”
“We ain’t got nothing to hide.”
I can see Blue drawing back into herself and it makes want to deck Hav and lay him out in front of the bar.
“Need another bucket of beers for the table,” Havoc says, leaving the topic alone.
“Coming right up.”
I walk away wondering what he’s whispering in Blue’s ear. I gather a bucket, stock it full of beers, and return it to Havoc.
“Thanks, brother,” he says, slipping back into the crowd.
The rest of the night is a blur as I fill orders, oversee service, and get in small conversations with the girls. Ruthie is feeling Skull and unless I’m way off, he’s on the same wavelength. They would be amusing together, and it would be more time with Blue if we did double dates. I know girls like that shit, and keeping my Old Lady happy is a priority for me. As the tabs are done and the customers peter out, I begin to close down the bar in hyper speed. I don’t like the way Blue looks. She’s disengaged from Ruthie, who’s busy flirting with Skull. Is it what Havoc said, or the family crap?
“You need me for the rest of the night?” I ask Skull.
He glances toward Blue. “Nah, man, we’re good. I can watch the girls shut it down.”
“Hey, you and Ruthie have any more plans tonight?” I ask.
Blue blinks and glances at Ruthie.
“I’m good here, Blue. You go spend some time with your man.”
“If you’re sure?” Blue says.
Ruthie rolls her eyes. “Go.”
I walk around the bar and lift her off the barstool, taking matters into my own hands. She squeals as I pause, toss her over my shoulder, and slap her ass.
Hoots and hollers break out around the bar. This time tomorrow, the whole club will know she and I are a thing.
I reach my bike and set her onto her feet.
Her cheeks are tinted slightly pink and her eyes are dancing.
“You like it when I manhandle you, don’t you?”
“I like it that you can,” she says with a grin. “It’s not like I’m short.”
“I like you exactly how are you.” I grip her ass. “I suggest you get on the bike before I decide to take you up against the wall.” The image of her with her pants around her ankles, her back arched, and her face expressing surrender has my dick growing.
She climbs onto the back of the bike.
I watch her ass flex in her jeans, feeling like a predator stalking his prey. “I got somewhere I want to take you. You good to hang a while longer?”
“I might be a teacher, but I’m not that old.” She winks.
I can feel her mood lightening. Climbing onto the back, I start up my lady, and pull out of the parking lot. I take her to a secluded area of beachfront the club owns. I park and help her down.
“I always forget we have this.”
“Yeah, most people do. That’s why I like to come here for quiet.” I wrap my arm around her waist and lead her closer to the ocean. I’d never been one for sharing my space or doing anything remotely romantic, but things are different with Blue. Maybe because I want to keep her. I sink down.
She sits on my lap, facing me.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Talked to my Dad and found out the reason Calla had a one sixty in her teens was because she found out some things about her parentage.”
“Oh, shit,” I whisper.
“Yeah,” she snorts. “It makes everything else make sense. But I sort of hate them all for knowing and never cluing me in. God, I would’ve done so many things differently.”
“Like what?” I ask, curious to see what the best and brightest of the Chaos girls would change.
“Have some fun. Be a damn kid and not worry about rocking the boat and splintering my family. I always felt like I was holding it together. That I had to make up for all the wrong she did by being as close to perfect as humanly possible It was so suffocating.”
I run my thumb over her side. “You know none of that’s true, right? It was never on you.”
“I get that now, but as a teen…” She shakes her head. “You think everything is your fault because you’re so damn self-conscious it’s like the world is watching you.”
“We’ll just have to make up for that now,” I say.
“How? It’s years of repression, angst and worry.”
“By liberating you.” I push her hips down and grind up against her. I’m hard and ready to slip inside of her wet heat. “We can try anything you want, any place.”
She grips my shoulders, and leans back, giving herself to me.
“Fuck…you got me hard as stone. Do you know how good you look when you surrender and decide to be a good girl?”
She whimpers.
I support her back, yank up her T-shirt and bra, and suck her full nipple into my mouth.
“Shadow.”
I moan and suck hard. Her hips swivel, and I know she’s enjoying herself. The breathy pants and the fine tremors running through her body have me itching to be inside of her. I release her flesh with a loud pop. “You’re going to take me out and you’re going to ride me.”
Her eyes spring open. “What?”
I chuckle. “You’re going to sit down on my lap, take my cock into that tight little pussy, and fuck me until we both come.” I flick her nipple with the tip of my tongue.
She shivers.
“I want to watch you come apart for me. Can you do that?” I trail my tongue between her breasts, sucking at her soft skin.
“Here?”
“No one’s around to see us. This is private property. You want to live, right? Be free and wild. Fly high? I’ll make sure you never crash and burn, baby. Not on my watch.”
“Okay.” Her voice wavers.
I hold my breath as she untangles herself and stands. She pushes down her pants and I watch as she bares her body in the moonlight. She’s soft, and curvy. The word lush comes to mind. All that reading in the pen did wonders for my vocabulary.
She kicks away her jeans then underwear and bends over to work my belt open.
I nip at her breasts, holding her hips to keep her steady.
She pulls out my cock and flicks the tip with her tongue. I release pre-come and she hums. “So salty and sweet. You been eating pineapples, baby?”
“Just for you.”
“I like it.” She sucks me down and I lift my ass off the ground.
“You keep that up, and I’ll be painting your mouth white instead of your pussy.”
She straightens and I swear she’s a nymph straight from the sea as she comes to me and sinks down. Her warm flesh encompasses me. She works her way down and I move deeper into her slick center. Gripping my shoulders, she uses her strong thighs to push herself up and plop down into my lap. I grunt and grip her hips, letting her set the pace. When she flexes her muscle my eyes roll in the back of my head. She’s a dancer weaving a spell as she moves her supple body and I’m captivated by her.
A slight smile lines her lips and her eyes are brighter than the stars dotting the sky. “You feel so good.” Digging her nails into my shoulders she picks up the pace.
I can see her letting go and finding the wings to give her freedom. “Shit, babe. So damn tight…” I can barely get the words out. I’m still working on rebuilding my stamina and this woman gives me an instant hard-on.
“Fill me up, Holt. Make me forget.”
It’s the first time she’s used my given name. I can’t help but roar. She wants me to take over, I can do that. I grip her hips hard, and pound into her.
She scratches out my back and screams.
“Give it to me, Bluebell. Let go.”
Her body tenses, her muscles flex, and she throws back her head. The wind catches her hair, blowing the dark strands out behind her.
She’s a goddess—powerful, beautiful, and all fucking mine. I follow her over the edge, filling her to the brim with my essence. “You’re mine, Blue. No holding back, no backing out. I want you inked and wearing my property vest. No more waiting. We live our lives now.”
“Yes.”
I hold her close as we come down and stare at the moon and the stars. I missed the openness. It’s something we all take for granted, until we’re locked away and staring at four walls except for the few hours we get outside a day.
Now, my world feels right again, after waiting all these years for this moment to come.