CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Blanche
If there was an order of Liars, as there were for Knights, I’d be crowned and ordained. When you work with the public, you learn to perfect the false face. The one that tells them everything will be okay, and you’ve got it all under control when you’re minutes away from a breakdown. I’m not okay. I’m scared, angry, stressed, and worried I’m going to fail the person I love.
I’m working my shifts, at the hospital every chance I can be, and preparing our home for his arrival. It’s been twenty-two days since he first went into the hospital, and in three more days he’ll return home. I worry what it’ll do to us, being patient and couple. It’s not recommended, but when have we ever done anything by the book? The only enthusiasm he shows is when he talks about leaving and returning to our house. I couldn’t hand his case over to someone else, not yet.
He needs to build up his confidence more and regain more independence. Since he learned of my arrangement with Stone, he’s given one-hundred-and-ten-percent to the diet, exercise, and training Dr. Simmons put him on. I can still see the intense discomfort, embarrassment, and shame he feels over the help he receives. I want to help him move past that. It’s the most important job of my life, and I’m worried I’m not up to the task.
I pour a healthy dollop of whiskey into a tumbler as Lisa walks out of the room I’ve set up for rehab.
“You’re ready in there. It’s up here I’m worried about.” She taps her head.
“There’s a reason we’re supposed to keep our professional distance from the people we love.”
“So why are you going against that?”
“As you can tell by my extended family, they don’t like rules or outsiders.”
Lisa snickers. “Yeah. I think it’s a part of the outlaw biker creed. But I can see this is getting to you. You don’t have to do this, Blanche. Any one of us at the center will be happy to take him on.”
“He won’t thrive. Not yet.”
“You can’t wrap the man in bubble wrap. He’ll have to deal with everything eventually.”
“That’s not what I’m doing, Lisa. He’s been through a lot, he’s a fighter, but he’s also very particular about who he places his trust in, for good reasons.”
“You’ve always been stubborn.”
“But when it comes to my patients, I’m always right about what they need.”
“Yes, but at times it comes at your own expense. Henceforth your burn out.”
“Yes, but this time I’m fighting for my life.”
“Oh my God.” The blood drains from her face. “Did they threaten you?”
I laugh. “Girl, not literally.”
“What! I didn’t know. They scare the piss out of me.”
“The life I want with Jagger. I have to show him it’s possible to have everything we wanted.”
“Yeah, and maybe part of you still feels guilty?”
“Can you stop being perceptive,” I scoff.
“Uh-huh. Swimming in dangerous waters, woman.”
“I have Dr. Adams to tell me that. Don’t you start, too.” I throw back the whiskey and enjoy the burn.
“I just worry about you.”
“I know, and I love you for that. I’m going to be fine. We’ll make it or fall apart, but either way, he’s going to be prepared for his new life when we’re finished.”
She hugs me. “I’m here if you need anything.”
“Thank you, Lisa.”
“Walk me out? I have a hot date with the hubs.”
“You two are so cute you make me sick.”
She laughs as we move away from the bar and I lead her out to the door that now has a ramp.
“You did a great job with this house.”
“Yeah, I had a lot of help from this really awesome place called SCI Center. Maybe you’ve heard of it before?”
“Oh, yeah, I think I have.” She bumps me with her hip, and I pause in the doorway, waving as she continues to her car, climbs in and drives away, leaving me to wrestle my demons alone.
I return to the breakfast nook with my drink and marvel at how different our life looks after nearly a year together. We’ve been through more than most married couples experience in a lifetime. Surely we can survive this. I pick up my phone and place the call I promised to make.
“Hey, B.”
“Hey, Jess.”
“So tomorrow’s the big day?”
“Yeah, and I’m scared.”
“What’s wrong?”
“What if we can’t get through this? What if he hates me because I’m too hard on him?”
“Will you let up?”
“No. He needs this.”
“And you’re willing to put your relationship on the line?”
“To give him his life back? Yes.”
“Then you’ve already made your mind up. Only thing to do now is follow through.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re giving him too little credit. Set boundaries right off the bat. When you’re in the rehab center you’re not his woman, you’re his physical therapist, and he’s your patient. When you’re outside of that, you’re just Jagger and Blanche.”
“We both know spill over is bound to happen.”
“Yes, but I know you plan to eventually get him to work with other therapists, so you’re trying to hold out and get him to that point.”
“It’s true. Is that awful?”
“No, I think it’s brave of you to do.”
“Remind me of that when I’m trying not to choke him out.”
“I’ve seen you work magic with people. Now will be no different, and if anyone deserves their happy ending, it’s you two. Does he know you’ve been in touch with his mom?”
“Umm no, one crisis at a time. I didn’t want her to think he’d given up on her. I keep her in the loop, that’s all.”
“Uh huh. You know if I was into that sort of thing I’d have married you a long time.”
“And we’d be well-dressed and blissfully happy,” I agree. “Speaking of happy. Any dating partners on the horizon?”
“I wish I could tell you yes. Slim pickings here, sister.”
“Boo. You need to come visit soon. You can enchant someone here and inspire them to move.”
“You say the sweetest things, B.”
I smirk. “I speak the truth. Men flock to you.”
“But they never stay,” she whispers. The sadness in her voice makes my heart ache.
“I’m sorry, babe. It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.”
“Some days I wonder. Maybe I was meant to be alone? Maybe that’s the price to pay for being so driven?”
“I don’t think I buy that. One shouldn’t cancel out the other.” I wish I could wave a wand and make the right man appear in her life. I can hear the loneliness in her voice, and it slays me. She’s too beautiful inside and out to have such a difficult time finding a mate.
“Grandma would say I need to stop looking and he’ll find me.”
“And what do you say?” I ask.
“I say, I’m not leaving my destiny up to anyone else.”
I chuckle. “So, don’t. It’ll work out how it’s supposed to.”
“From your lips to the Universe,” she replies.
“How’s everything in town?”
“Good. The shop’s doing well. I’ve added clothing to the California line. They’re eating it up.”
“I knew they would,” I say.
“Truth be told, I’ve toyed with the thought of opening a second shop.”
“Really? That’s exciting. Where?”
“Oh, California.”
“Are you kidding me?” I ask.
“No. I miss you, and it’s time for expansion. I think a little Southern flare would fit well out there if I could find the right location.”
“Whatever you need me to do to help you, I’m there. Oh my God. I want you here in the worst way.”
“It’s a thought now, but I’ve been looking into it.”
“You’ll keep me posted?”
“Of course, darling,” she says, rolling her r.
The thought of having my best friend a short drive away chases my anxiety about Jagger’s return away. We sink into our easy banter as we continue to play catch up and time slips away.
***
Everyone is waiting in the backyard as we pull up to the driveway.
“Why are all the bikes here?” Jagger asks.
“Well, they wanted to welcome you home.”
The temperature in the car drops.
“You didn’t want them to? I’ve kept them away from the hospital, J, but I couldn’t come up with a reason for them not to be here now. You can’t hide away from them forever.”
“You have no clue what this feels like.”
“So tell me,” I say quietly.
He growls. “Let’s just get this over with.”
“Okay.” I park the car and move to the back to get his wheelchair out of the trunk as I count to ten. The anger is normal, but trying. I’m excited to have him home, and he’s hung up on the brothers who came to show him their support. I set the lightweight, portable sports wheelchair up beside him. I went with a model that would go over all terrain. I wanted to get him out of the house and into the sun eventually. I angle the chair, place the cushion on the seat, set the brakes, and hang back, waiting to allow him the opportunity to transfer himself.
“B. I don’t want to do this when they might be watching me from the window.”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Blanche,” he snaps.
“You have to learn to do this on your own.” I lower my voice. “I promise you, if I didn’t think you were ready, I wouldn’t push. It’s just like you practiced in therapy. Get your gloves on.” I wait patiently until he complies. “Now put your transfer cloth down over the floor and frame, place your legs on the ground, move your body to the edge of the seat, find your leverage, and move your body.”
I hold my breath as he moves his frame to the edge, and picks up one of his legs. The grimace tells me he’s still working on accepting them. Still, he places them on the ground, scoots to the edge, and makes the shaky transfer.
“Great job, J.”
“I’m not a dog,” he snarls as he throws the transfer sheet back into the car and I flinch.
“Never said you were,” I whisper, hurt. Don’t take it personally. But don’t be his punching bag. “I’m here to help and encourage, that’s it.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting this. To see them all so soon.”
“It’s overdue.” I unlock the brakes, move him back, and close the door before I push him across the yard and up the ramp. “Remember they love you and they’re excited to see you. You set the tone, and they’ll follow your lead.” I set the brakes, then unlock the door.
A cheer goes up through the crowded space, and I pray he makes it through the next couple of hours.
“Look what the little B dragged in,” Stone booms.
I lock the door behind me and wait to see if he’ll take over. When he doesn’t, I push him down to where they’re all waiting and slowly retreat to give him time with the men coming up one by one to speak with him.
“Hey, you, long time no see,” Dixie Rose says.
“I know, how the hell are you?” I ask as we hug.
“I’m doing good. How are you?”
“Exhausted, but so glad to have him home,” I reply softly.
“I bet.”
Blue comes over with a grin and a chatty eight month old. She kisses my cheek. “It’s good to see you.”
“Same. Hey, Miss Delphine,” I exclaim, playing with her tiny hands. I adore the dimpled cutie pie.
“How’s he doing?” Blue asks, nodding toward the circular wall surrounding him.
“He has his good days and bad days.”
“I can’t even imagine,” Blue whispers.
“It’s a lot of adjustment, and it’s all still fresh. I’m glad he has so much support.”
“Shadow wanted to stop by and see him, but Stone said he wasn’t up to visitors?”
“He needed the time to wrap his head around everything I think.”
“Thank God he has you,” Dixie Rose says.
I hope she’s right.
I grab a cola and continue to mingle. I’m catching up with Nevada when I hear the beeping alarm. I swiftly make my way over to the cluster of men. I catch J’s gaze, and the worry in his eyes fades.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to borrow my Old Man for a minute,” I say with a wink. I push him off to our room and the connecting bathroom. It’s important for his bathroom habits he sticks to a schedule. That means draining the urine bag strapped to his leg and hidden by pants regularly, so it doesn’t overflow. I pull the box of rubber gloves from under the sink, and he unbuckles his pants and lifts up. I help him ease his pants and boxers down, and he retreats inside of himself.
“J, this is a part of you, and it’s okay.”
“How can you say that when you’re handling my piss?”
“Well, why don’t you do it?”
He gives a quick shake of his head. “And get it all over myself with everyone here?”
“Next time,” I say firmly. I’m going to drag him kicking and screaming toward competency.
I empty the bag into the toilet and flush.
“All done.” I remove the gloves, pitch them in the garbage, and wash my hands before I help him replace the bag and his pants.
“All right, handsome, you’re ready to go.”
“How can you say that after what you just did?” The self-loathing and anger make my heart ache.
“Hey.” I grip his chin. “You still love me?”
“Fuck, B. Of course.”
“That’s how I can say that.” I brush our lips. He tenses. I tease his lips with the tip of my tongue, and he relaxes, yielding to me. My heart knocks against my chest as I slant my head and taste him. It’s been so long since we connected on this level. I hum. He sucks my tongue into his mouth, and I cream my panties. It’s still there between us, that heat. Laughter breaks out in the other room, and we part reluctantly. I groan. “Can’t we just stay here until they show themselves out?”
He laughs, and I realize how long it’s been since I’ve seen him look happy. I run my fingers through his thick hair and rest our foreheads together.
“I love you.”
I pull back, shocked. “I love you, too, J.”
He smiles, and I see the man I first fell for. We’ll get through this together.
***
“Oh God.”
The despondent moan pulls me from sleep.
“Huh. Wha-what’s wrong?” I whisper as I roll over onto my side to face Jagger.
“I can’t do this shit, B. I’m like a fucking infant.” He slams his fist against the bed, and I feel it. The wetness that’s traveled across the sheets. He sticks to an eating schedule and stops fluids around eight o’clock, but sometimes accidents will still happen with the catheter.
“Hey, it’s all right. That’s why we have extra padding down.”
“It’s not okay. How can I be your man when I can’t even handle my bathroom shit, huh?”
I click on the light and turn to him. “Things like this are going to happen, and it is okay. I know you’re upset, but you’re doing everything you’re supposed to do. You have your routine, you stop drinking at night, but the body sometimes does what it wants, and neither of us is going to get overly worked up over that.
“You say that calmly as you sit in my urine.”
I place my hand on his arm. “You know how many times I’ve been peed on in my life? I’m a mom.” I wink.
He snatches his arm away from me. “It’s not funny.”
“It’s laugh or cry at this point, and I’m tired of tears and pain. Aren’t you?”
“I hate this.” He spits the words out with enough venom to kill.
“I know you do. I wish there was more I can do to help you.”
He meets my gaze. “This really doesn’t bother you?”
“It bothers me that it upsets you so much. I guess I’m just used to this. I’ve worked within this field for so long, I accept it as a fact of life. Come on, let’s get the bed cleaned up and then clean ourselves.” I move from the bed, careful to keep my face neutral. He follows my lead, scooting out of bed onto his chair. I toss the pillows onto the floor and pull off the bedding.
“You take it to the washer and get it started, and I’ll replace the linens?”
“Deal.”
Another hurtle down between us. The minute he disappears, I deflate and choke on sobs I can’t release. He’s such a proud man; these setbacks are a kick to the gut. He’s been progressing well. Dear God, please don’t let this be a setback. This won’t be the last time this will happen, short of him wearing adult diapers. There’s no perfect science to regulating this type of thing. I return my attention to adding fresh padding and clean sheets. Once I hear the washer going, I turn on the shower, position his shower chair, and step out to see him rolling into the room. His shoulders are slumped, and his gaze is aimed at the ground, giving him a defeated air about him. I blink and notice he’s nude. His chest is more defined from our PT regimen. I want to lick my way down his six pack, bury my fingers in his hair, and ride his cock. There’s been a question on how much the injury affected him sexually, but no time to explore.
“Come on, let’s get into the shower.” My voice is husky, and my hormones are raging.
He opens his mouth and I can already hear the protest. I pull the shirt over my head, and slip out of my boxer shorts, silencing him. His jaw drops, and his hazel gaze turns to molten lava. Gooseflesh covers my body. My nipples harden, and my center pulses. He hasn’t looked at me this way since the accident. I crook my finger.
“Come.”
He wheels into the bathroom and I step inside the shower to give him time to handle his catheter in private. I hear the sink run, and I know he’s washing his hands. A few moment later, he makes the shift from chair to the bath chair.
“Hi,” I whisper.
His lips quirk upward. “Hi.”
I grab the ocean body wash, squeeze a dollop into my hand, and walk over to rub it over his body. His eyelids lower to half-mast, and I lick my lips. “You’re so hot right now,” I whisper as I scrape my nails down his pecs. His muscles jerk and I bend to kiss his lips as I wash away the painful memory of what happened.
“Give me some of that expensive shit so I can return the favor.”
His gravelly voice makes me laugh. For a minute, we’re just Jagger and Blanche, happy to be together as we take turns cleaning each other off. Scrubbed clean, and warm from the spray, I move in for more kisses. He moans into my mouth and rubs his thumbs over my nipples. Tingles shoot through my body. When he rolls the stiff peaks between his finger, I whimper against his lips. He slips his tongue into my mouth and straddle his legs and lower into his lap. I gasp at the hardness press against my pussy. I suck his finger into my mouth, and he moans.
“Oh fuck.”
“You like that?”
“Shit yes.”
I continue to suck on him, treating his finger like I would his prick. He groans his approval as he tugs at my nipples. I run my hand up his chest and flick his nipple. He growls.
“So sensitive,” I murmur, relearning the new erroneous zones of his body. “J?”
“Yes.”
“Look down,” I whisper.
He peers down between us and his breath hitches. “I’m hard.”
“Yes, you are.”
I suck his finger harder and tug at his nipple. He breathes harder.
“What are you waiting for, B? Ride your man’s cock.”
“Can you?”
“Feel it? Not the way I used to, but God, I feel something. It’s like the rest of my body has become a conduit to make up for it. Oh yeah, suck it like that.” He cups his base, and I sink down, whimpering as he fills me to the brim. I keep my feet planted as I move up and down, sucking and nibbling his fingers as I play with his nipples.
“Oh shit, it’s … it’s building.”
“Yes. Oh yes.” I move faster, so close to the edge.
He reaches between us and circles my clit. My pussy clamps down and I suck faster and tug his nipples harder. He lets out a roar that sends me over the edge. I shake as I come, hard. Exhausted, I slump against his shoulder.
“I thought I would never experience that with you again,” he admits.
“It was good?” I ask.
“Damn good, Blanche.” He slaps my ass, and I choke on a cry as my giggles turns to sobs.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m s-s-so h-happy,” I hiccup.
“My sweet girl.” He cups my chin and pulls me in, devouring my mouth as he squeezes the back of my neck, holding me in place. If I wasn’t ready to melt into a puddle, I am now. I want to stay here, but I know too much pressure on his legs for too long is never a good thing. I ease off his limp cock and relish the feel of his seed inside of me. We’ve regained our intimacy and survived another blow in the battle to become us once more.
I turn off the water, and step out, towel drying and feigning nonchalance as I watch him carefully exit the stall. My heart is bursting with pride and love. Slowly, but surely, he’s coming around.
***
“You want to tell me what’s on your mind?” I ask, sitting back on my heels as I lower J’s leg.
“It’s been six months today, since the accident.”
“Is that why you’re only half invested in the workout today?” I ask, silently fuming. Physically he’s doing great. His body is strong. He’s got excellent eating habits, a steady bathroom schedule, a plethora of knowledge, and enough practice of everyday skills to allow him freedom. Mentally is where he’s lagging in development.
“I still can’t feel anything below the injury, B.”
“You thought you would by now?” I guess.
“I don’t know what I thought. Just not this.”
“What did Dr. Simmons say?” I know, but I like to make him work through the process on his own.
“It’s still early to make a call either way, but I may be at my full capability level, feeling wise, when it comes to my injury.”
“And does that change the fact that you need to keep your strength up?”
“No.”
“Then get your head into the workout,” I demand.
“You act like this is easy.”
“Have I ever said that, J?”
“No, but you’re unyielding.”
“No, I’m doing my job, and you’re still not ready to admit that this is your life now.”
“How could I ever forget?” He pushes up into a sitting position, and I crack my neck.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
“Then tell me what my problem is, B, please.”
I ignore the sarcasm dripping from his tongue. “You’re still holding back, waiting for what I don’t know. You have one foot in the present, and the other God knows where. You’re getting in the way of your own progress.”
“It’s so easy to sit on the other side of things and say that.” He becomes defensive.
“You either want to live the best life you can the way you are, or you don’t. I’m not here to force you to do anything. I thought I was trying to give you back your life—”
“How are you going to do that? Do you have a time machine or the cure for paraplegia?”
“And that’s the only way possible?”
He looks away.
“I know you’re disappointed, but lashing out isn’t going to help anything.”
“Lashing out. What … you think I’m throwing some sort of tantrum?”
“Aren’t you?” she asks.
“No.”
“Looks suspiciously like a mantrum, but if you say it’s not, I guess you’d know.”
“What the hell do you want from me, woman?”
“For you to realize your life isn’t over just because you’re paralyzed. You’re far more capable than you give yourself credit for. We’ve been training to give you back independence, and believe me in six months you’ve come a long way. A lot further than most could’ve. You need to embrace life as who you are now. You haven’t even been to the club since you got back.”
“It’s not for me anymore.”
“It is, and it’s a huge part of what’s eating you up. You’ve given a massive chunk of your life to the Kings of Chaos, and now you’re acting like none of that matters. You still have a place with them.”
“I can’t ride!”
“And yet, they offered you a place as Treasure. No, you can’t ride, but you’re still a part of them. An important part, one of the inner circle which looks out for the club, keeping their money straight. Yet, you haven’t been there since you got back. I’m not the only one who noticed it either. It’s time you did some things on your own.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means get out of here, call up one of the brothers, and go hang out at the clubhouse by yourself. I’m not helping you with this one. You make the arrangements and deal with everything I spent the past few months teaching you.”
“Just like that?” His voice shakes.
Six months is not just like that. “Consider it homework.” I remain firm. As long as he continues to look to me for all the answers, and constant reassurance he’ll never gain self-confidence. He has to fly on his own and reclaim his identity. I see bits and pieces of him. I refuse to enable him. My next step is to get him a car with hand controls, but he has to get used to being out by himself first. My Spidey senses say it’s time to cut the cord.
“It’s Friday, though.”
“Perfect day to spend with your boys without me.”
“What will you be doing?”
“Bubble bath, wine, and a good book.”
“But—”
“Jagger, it’s time. Okay?”
He clears his throat. “All right. I’ll … ugh, I’ll call Warp and see if he can pick me up.”
I grunt as I push myself up, and hold out my hand. “You do this, and we’ll move on to the next stage.”
“What’s that?”
“Walking with braces.”
“Wait. How?”
“You’ll be using the upper strength we’ve been helping you build up. Why do you think I’ve been pushing you so hard?”
“Because you’re an evil ass woman who gets off on my pain?”
I arch a brow. “Really?”
“You’re two people in my head. My B, and then my trainer. I will break you.” He mimes the Russian wife from Rocky, and I laugh. He gets off the table and into his wheelchair.
I feel a prickling of anxiety. This is his first time flying solo. But it’s a safe environment. He’s ready. Even Obi-Wan had to let Anakin go. And look at how that turned out.
He turns to face me. “I should go get dressed, and put my cut on, too.”
“Yes, you should.”
The nervous excitement audible in his voice, and sparkle in his eyes warms me from the inside out. He’s going to be just fine. I repeat that to myself in a chant as I leave the room.
An hour later I’m answering the door.
“You finally letting him out?”
“Look. You don’t like me, fine. I really couldn’t care less, but you need to play nice and be the family member Jagger sees you as. This whole event has been traumatic, and he’s trying to find his feet again so to speak. Discord between us will only slow down that process. I’ve spent the past six months teaching him how to live independently with his disability. This is his first trip out. Look after him, or I’ll show you what a bitch I can really be.”
His eyebrows arch up, and he opens his mouth to respond.
“Warp. Man, it’s good to see you.”
Saved by the Old Man. I step back and smile at the sight of him in his jeans, white and black shoes, and his cut.
“Shit, man, you about to audition for an action role?”
Jagger laughs. “The Old Lady’s been working my ass off. Believe me, I ain’t been on vacation. You ready to get out of here?”
Warp looks at me with an unreadable expression on his face. “Yeah, we’ll be back tonight, or maybe not. He’s still got his dorm.”
I hold my hands. “I’m off duty. I’m just an Old Lady right now.” I wink at Jagger, bend down, and kiss him breathless. The spark burns brightly between us. We also spent the past six months discovering new ways to love one another. I step back and wiggle my fingers.
“Have fun, honey.”
“You too.”
He wheels out behind Warp with confidence that comes from practice. I close the door and peek out the curtain as he puts the seat back, places his transfer car, and uses the handle in the car as leverage to pull his body onto the seat. He places his legs inside and turns to disassemble his bike for Warp to store. I jump up and down, doing a silly dance as joy rockets through me. The men have done a great job of stopping by, shooting the shit, and coming to dinner, but this is special. He’s returning to his element.
The car pulls out of the driveway, and I move to turn on cheesy nineties pop music and catch up with Whitney. She choose to attend summer semester. I’ve been so busy with caring for Jagger we’ve taken to scheduling our phone conversations and FaceTime.
I plop onto the couch, ready to enjoy some much-needed downtime and avoid worrying about Jagger.