CHAPTER FOUR
Freeze
I feel out of place here among the families. Stone likes to slow things down every couple of weeks and do the family fun days. It’s great for the brothers who have Old Ladies and kids, and awkward as hell for brothers like me. They all know what I do. I can see it in their eyes. It’s my job to protect them. I’d never hurt them. But they eye me like one would a wild animal you keep as a pet.
“How’s it going, brother?”
I peer up at Shadow and grin. We’re cut from the same cloth, but he’s a lot better at peopling than I am. I learned to stick to myself. He was surrounded by family and friends his entire life. It’s the whole nature versus nurture issue.
“It’s going. You know he makes us show our faces at these things.”
Shadow laughs. “Yeah, as a single man they were never high on my priority list, but I knew Bolton liked them, so it was different for me.”
I nod my head. I like Shadow. He always handles his business like a pro and keeps a level head. Those are traits some brothers lack. They get lazy, sloppy, and emotionally compromised. We got our share of hot heads and head cases. You don’t go into a club, or an enforcer position because your life was great, and your headspace is in a pristine condition. Some of them live for the gore, the blood, and the battle. I did once. Until I realized nothing I did would change my past.
I guess that’s called maturing. I feel older than twenty-nine. I think every year is like a dog year in this life. You age twice as fast as a normal person, ’cause the things we see would turn a civilian’s hair white.
“Yeah. I could see that. How’s the boy doing? It has to be his last year.”
“Yeah, man. He’s chomping at the bit to patch in, but Mama Bear put her foot down. He has to have his degree first.”
“It ain’t a bad move.”
“No. It helps with the image we’re trying to present, and having something to fall back on is always a plus. I remember those lean years when we were hurting for money back in the day. We want our people skilled so that doesn’t happen anymore.”
I nod my head. “Stone’s doing good things for the mother charter. We’re coming out of the dark ages.” We’d been shaken by betrayal and attack, but it only made us stronger. I think back to Psycho, a former enforcer. May you rest in peace, wherever you are, brother. He was someone I looked up to. Cool, collected, and skilled with a knife, his fists, and torture methods he had a way of compartmentalizing.
You’d never guess the family man was so dangerous. Losing him hurt. It opened my eyes to the fact that the Kings weren’t indestructible. When you’re riding in formation with your brothers on all sides, and living in a town that bends to your will, it’s easier to forget that.
“He is, and it’s about time. The next generation was hungry for change.”
“How’s your Old Lady?”
“Good. She should be showing up soon. Her and Ruthie were doing some more baby shopping.”
I laugh. “It seems like it’s in the water. You ready to be a Daddio again?”
“Yeah, man. Bolton was the only good thing that crazy bitch of mine gave me. Having one with Blue now is a completely different experience.”
I nod my head. Daughter of one of our deceased Enforcers, Psycho, Bluebell always had a good head on her shoulders. I couldn’t say the same for her older sister, Calla. Currently serving time for drug trafficking, the junkie, and mother of Shadow’s first child, Bolton, had caused nothing but grief. It was her fault the reaper came for her old man in the first place. Her and her shady mother. Just thinking about how it all went down made me snarl.
“You heard from Calla?”
Shadow sighs. “She places phone calls to Bolt, but he denies them. She also sends letters he doesn’t open. I’m not sure if she’s sincere and getting her shit together now that she’s detoxed in jail or trying to stir the pot. With a baby coming in a few months, I don’t have the time or patience to try and figure it out. She’s gotten enough from me over the years.”
I nod my head in agreement as I remember one of her full-blown tantrums in the clubhouse. She’s embarrassed the fuck out of herself many times over the years.
“Prison might’ve been the best thing to happen to her. Nothing puts reality into perspective more than the loss of freedom,” I say.
“You’re right about that. I got to say, I was shocked you didn’t ride out with Warp.”
I chuckle. “You and everyone else, but they don’t have the balls to say it out loud.”
“You thinking ’bout sticking around here? ’Cause we could use you for sure.”
“I might be.”
“If you do, there’s not one person here who wouldn’t vote yes to accept you. Especially after what happened with the Ab, and expansion of different businesses. We need someone watching our backs.”
“You think we’re going to have trouble with other M.C.s?”
“I think jealousy is a hell of a motivator. We’re making more money than we ever have, and people are going to start taking notice and testing us. It starts petty and grows if you don’t squash it immediately. There’s a lot of little crews popping up and trying to make a name for themselves. The quickest way to do that is to strike out at the big boys.”
“If you have more balls than brains, maybe,” I mumble.
“Didn’t we all at their age, though?”
“Suppose you could be right on that.”
My phone buzzes. I take it out of the pocket in my cut, and my mood lightens.
“I gotta take this. I’ll catch you later.” I nod as I walk away from the clusters of conversations.
“Hey, Blanche.”
“Jagger. I think it’s time you start calling me B.”
“Oh, are we getting into the friend zone?”
“Maybe.”
The woman keeps me on my toes. It’s refreshing. I like my submission in the bedroom only.
“What’s going on?”
“Calling to see if you have time for me today.”
“I think I can swing that. What did you have in mind, B?” She’s a skittish creature, so I try to proceed with caution and feel her out. I want to know what the bastard did that stole her smile, and put her defenses on high.
“Since Jess is working on business stuff all day, I thought we could swing by Old Town, grab some dinner, and wander around a bit?”
“I could re-up my cigar supply,” I reply, thinking of the specialty cigar and tobacco store.
“You smoke?”
“On occasion.”
“I remember the smell of my dad’s pipe. I miss it when I’m away from home.”
“You want me to pick you up?”
“No, how about I meet you there in an hour?”
“Sounds good. In front of Raccine and Laramie?” I ask.
“Perfect. See you then.”
I replace my phone. I put in a good hour and a half here. If I leave, no one will think a thing of it. I’m on borrowed time. Soon enough they’ll notice I’m always absent during downtime, and the questions will roll in. I need to know where I stand with Blanche, and who she really is before that happens. As I make my way out of the park, I can’t help but notice the brothers with newborns and Old Ladies. For the first time ever, I realize I might want that, too. A person to call my own who’ll stick by me no matter what I got going on. A solitary life with long hours on the road, sloppy seconds from women obsessed with the biker image is no longer the dream it once was. I’ll be thirty in the blink of an eye and forty won’t be far behind. Being still long enough has given me time to think. As much as I hated it when I arrived, it wasn’t a bad thing.
***
It’s hard to believe the woman in a white T-shirt, black and white tennis shoes, and blue jean cutoffs that highlight her thick thighs, and miles of milk-chocolate colored skin is over forty. I lick my lips and take a moment to admire her while she’s unaware. I want to know if she’ll melt in my mouth.
Her hair is smoothed back from her oval-shaped face. I kind of miss her curls, but the dark color with brown highlights contrasts in an interesting manner. Everything about her pulls me to her like a magnet to metal. She looks up and offers me a smile. Again, I notice the over-sized sunglasses hide her eyes. She’s disguising herself. Is it because she doesn’t want to be seen with me, or is it something more? When she stands, I step into her space. Her breathing hitches, then steadies; her eyes widen, and her pupils dilate.
“You scared of me, B?”
She licks her lips. “No more than any other man.”
“You think I’m like other men, B?”
She shakes her head. “No, and that makes you even more dangerous.”
“No, that makes me the right person.” I trail a fingertip down the side of her face. Her body tenses. “What did he do to you, baby?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, and I’m not up for a retelling.”
“Yet.”
She tilts her head. “You think you’re going to be around long enough to get to that point?”
“Oh, I know I am. This is me letting you know.”
“I don’t understand this, Jagger. It makes no sense.”
“Does it need to?”
“I made a life out of things that make sense.”
“And yet, there’s sadness in your eyes that tells me all the care and consideration you put into your decisions didn’t make you happy in the end.”
She gives a hollow laugh. “Understatement.”
“We’re both out of our depth. It puts us on even ground. What’s going on with you today?”
“My daughter announced her college. She’ll be moving to Virginia after the summer. I’m still reeling from it.”
“First child?”
“Only.”
“That must be hard.”
She nods. “We’re very close, but I understand her need for distance.”
“It’s a kid’s rite of passage to leave and spread their wings.”
“I know, but I’ve lost … a lot recently. It feels like another blow to the system. Of course, I didn’t let her know that.”
“Because you’re a good mom.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“It’s written all over your face when you talk about her, believe me. She’s lucky to have a parent who cares so much. Plenty of kids out there don’t get that.”
Her expression softens, and her eyes fill with pride. “It never feels like enough. When they’re younger, you change their diapers, nurse them, and keep them safe. As they get older, it all becomes more complex and seemingly impossible. You can’t cocoon them in bubble wrap and be there every moment of the day. You have to trust them to make the right decisions, and when they don’t, you have to let them know you’ll always be there and love them, but it’s not okay. I lucked up with my daughter. She’s never given me too much drama or stepped too far off the path.”
I’m almost envious of the love I can see clearly on her face. What would it be like to have that?
I slowly reach out, place a hand on her shoulder, and squeeze. “The two of you will be fine.”
“Yeah, that’s what Jess keeps saying.”
“Where is Jess?”
“Spending the day with her Godchild and secretly giving me time to decompress before my crazy spills out all over the place.”
“Come on, let’s get you some candy.”
“What?”
“You can’t be sad when eating candy. It’s been scientifically proven.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yep.” I pop the p, and she laughs. It makes me feel victorious, and I haven’t done a thing really. I place a hand on the small of her back. She tenses but relaxes, and I hold my position as I guide her to Cousin’s Candy. We step inside the building and the heaviness lifts. The wooden trough and baskets house old-fashioned candy along with giant glass jars. They have it all. Everything from salt water taffy and licorice of all flavors, to the more modern pop rocks and lollipop lines the shelves.
“I love saltwater taffy,” she says.
“Then we have a starting point.” I guide her over to the area, and her face lights up.
“There are so many good flavors.”
“So get them all.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not? It’s my treat. I owe you for getting me out. Men don’t usually do fun stuff like this when they go out together. I see the city in a whole new light.”
I grab a bag of lemon and strawberry and offer them up. “There, I broke the seal. Now you pick two more, and we’ll share.”
“I don’t need you to pay my way, Jagger.”
“I’m not. I’m treating you. There’s a huge difference. I’m sorry if your last man didn’t get that. You’re not going to owe me because I buy you small things, all right? I’m not that kind of man. If I wanted that type of set up, I’d have it by now.”
“Wow.”
“Just being straight up. You want to know, ask me. I’m not the type to waste energy lying.”
She studies me quietly. The seconds tick by. Without saying a word, she grabs vanilla and licorice taffy and hands them to me. Good girl. We continue to browse, and I toss Now and Laters and Pop Rocks onto our pile.
“You’re going to help me work this off later, right?”
I peer down at her. “I can think if plenty of ways to help you work that off, and I promise you, you’ll love every one of them.”
Her mouth forms on O. “I meant hiking.”
“We can do that, too.” I wink as I walk to the register with her trailing behind me.
We walk around the small area, exploring the tiny specialty shops and working on our candy.
“I want to take you somewhere.”
“Why?”
“I want to take you for a ride on my bike.”
“I’ve never been on a motorcycle before.”
“Believe me, I’ll enjoy being your first. Don’t worry. I can be gentle and ease you into it.”
She places a hand on her neck and clears her throat. “I’m not sure.”
“You don’t trust me enough to go on a short ride?”
“Right now I trust very few people, Jagger.”
“Just up the road and back.”
Her chest heaves and she places a hand over her heart.
“B?”
She gasps for air and clutches my arm.
“You have asthma?”
She shakes her head from side to side. “I can’t … I can’t breathe.”
It’s a panic attack. “Yes, you can. Take a deep breath, and exhale.” I guide her away from the foot traffic, beside a building. “In and out, B. You’re okay. You don’t even have to ride my bike if you don’t want to,” I tease.
She gives a weak laugh, and her breathing slows. She bows her head and closes her eyes as she works through her panic.
“You okay?” I ask.
“Embarrassed as hell.”
“What happened?”
She shakes her head. “I like you a lot, Jagger. But the thought of being alone with a man freaks me the fuck out. I thought I could do this with you, but I was wrong.”
As she pushes off the wall, I grab her wrist. “Whoa. Slow down. It’s all right.”
“It’s not. You asked me to go for a ride, and I flipped my shit. I’m not going to get over this in a day or two. My husband tried to kill me. That kind of damage is for life.”
I grit my teeth and drop her hand to keep from breaking her wrist as I ball my hands into fists. “Where is he?”
She blinks and takes a step back. “Your guess is as good as mine. If you figure it out, though, pass the info on to the police, they’d like to speak with him.”
“You mean he literally tried to kill you, don’t you?” It’s not easy to shock me, but I’m stunned.
“With his bare hands.”
“Jesus.”
“That was six months ago, so you’ll forgive me if I’m still jittery. I know you think we’d be good together, but I’m too—”
“No, you aren’t. You need us to go slower, we will. Forget the bike ride, come on.” I take her hand and twine our fingers.
She blinks, clearly confused as I shift gears before she can shut down.
“You need food. We both have to eat, right? Why not do it together? Come on, you like Mexican, right?”
“I … Yes, but—”
“Good, we’ll do The Cocina I saw.”
“Why aren’t you running away screaming?”
I stop and she bumps into my chest. I glance down at her. “We all have scars. Some of us have learned to hide them better, but it makes us no less wrecked. When I show you my brokenness, will you turn from me?”
She shakes her head.
“And I won’t do that to you either.”
She squeezes my hand, and we continue our walk to the restaurant.
A few hours later, full of food and a few drinks, I walk her to her car.
“B?”
“Mmmhmm?” She turns to face me and moonlight bathes her, turning her into an otherworldly being.
“I’m going to kiss you now.”
“I don’t know—”
I bend down and capture her full lips. She grips my biceps, and hums, parting her lips. Slipping my tongue inside, I deepen the kiss. She’s salty and sweet like the margaritas she drank. Her warm weight fits against me like she was made to be there. I cup the back of her head and slant my mouth, plundering the depths of her sweetness.
Her tongue circles mine and I groan. This act of submission and acceptance has me straining against my pants. I want to press her body against the car and grind into her. However, I control my instinct and continue to explore her mouth. I slid my hands down her side, squeezing her full hips. She presses closer, and I grunt. My lungs burn, and I reluctantly part to renew my oxygen supply.
She peers up at me with glazed-over brown eyes.
“Whoa.”
I smile down at her. “Yeah. You good?” I ask cautiously.
She grins. “Yes. I am.” Her eyes turn as round as quarters. “I am!”
I take the keys from her, hit unlock, and open her door. “Next time we’ll work on that ride.”
“Tell me one thing that’ll prove you aren’t too good to be true.”
“Being in a motorcycle club isn’t enough?”
She shakes her head.
“I’ve never known either of my parents. My dad got himself wasted, and my mother got life in prison with no parole. I was raised by my grandmother until I was two and she died of a heart attack. Then I went into the system where I stayed until I hit eighteen. Then I never looked back.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We all have a past, and not all of its pretty.”
She climbs up into her seat and nods. “Thank you for sharing that.”
“You feel better?” I ask, leaning in toward her.
“Yeah, I actually do.”
“I don’t tell that story to anyone, B. What we have going on is rare. I don’t claim to understand it, but I’m not going to let you go. Not until we see this thing through.”
“And how will we know when that is?” she whispers.
“Maybe the question is if it’ll ever happen.” I brush my lip against hers, and the sparks ignite. This woman has some kind of magic inside of her to have me feeling this way. Pulling back, I run my knuckles down the side of her face. “Text me when you get home.”
“Okay.”
I put the keys in the tumbler and turn. The car comes to life, and I take a step back. I’m used to waiting for things. I can deny myself in order to win her. She needs me to go slow, and I have no clue what I’m doing. I talk a good game. The flirting is easy. Anything beyond superficial interactions is foreign to me. Something real is out of my range. So the holding pattern benefits us both.
I step back and watch as she pulls out of the parking lot. I run my hand through my hair. I’m in deep and sinking fast. How the hell am I going to keep her from running away screaming? My life is anything but normal, and my mind is warped. I don’t think like most people; a combination of both the world I knew before joining the Kings of Chaos and the one that came after. It’s a matter of time before she sees me for who I truly am. A smarter man would walk away. But I never claimed to be a scholar.
Shoving my hands into my pocket, I walk to my bike. The road will take away my worries, the way it always does.