CHAPTER TWO
Dixie Rose
I wake up feeling like I’ve been on a late night bender. My eyes are puffy, my head is pounding, and my body aches. I swing my legs around the bed and slide out. The knock on the door comes again, and I realize what woke me. I rub my eyes and shuffle to the front door. Peering out the peephole, I spot Blue.
Thank you, God, for small favors. I couldn’t handle one of the brothers right now. They’re like a bull in a china shop when it comes to emotions. I unlock the door.
She rushes to me with her arms stretched out. “I got here as soon as I heard. But I knew you’d need your sleep. I am so sorry.”
“I’m so glad you’re here, Blue.”
“Of course, babe. Anytime you need me, you know I’m coming. How’s Hoss doing?”
“I haven’t been today, but last night he seemed to be rallying swiftly. Told me to go home ’cause sitting there watching him sleep was creepy shit,” I say, lowering my voice to do my best Hoss imitation.
Blue laughs. “Yeah, sounds like your dad.”
She shuts the door and I lead her through the living room to the kitchen. “I have to start some coffee and pop some meds. I have a wicked headache, and I feel like shit warmed over.”
“Stress will do that to you,” Blue says.
“Right? How’ve you been?” I ask as I enter the room and start up the old school coffee pot. Pops refuses to conform and get a Keurig.
“Good. Went away with Bolton. It’s been tense around the house lately. Whatever Shadow’s been working on has him tense and snippy as fuck. They say men don’t have PMS, but I’m calling bullshit.”
I can’t contain the bark of laughter that flies from my mouth. “Don’t let him hear you say that.”
“I’m not crazy,” Blue replies with a snicker.
I love her being with Shadow. They should’ve happened ages ago, but her bitch of a sister made sure it didn’t. Thinking of her made me sick. I’ve known few people who I consider to be truly evil. Bad things happen in life. We’ve all been hurt, betrayed, and tested…it’s what we do with ourselves after those experiences that speaks to who we are. I should know. I had to make the choice a long time ago to be better instead of bitter. That sort of resentment and angst can sour a person until they’re spoiled. Picturing the leather-faced, dour sweetbutts never chosen to be more than an available hole. They made every woman’s life as miserable as they could, pushing the rules to kill their joy. Watching them showed me everything I needed to know about going down that path in life.
I learned a lot living in this life. It wasn’t all bad. Knowing you had people who would die to keep you safe was a rarity in this world. Even Mouth with all his hate would lay down his life because I’m KOC and therefore, in some fucked up loophole in the universe, I belong to him. The thought makes me shudder.
“Enough about me and my life. Have you talked to Echo yet?” Blue asks.
“No, and I don’t plan to anytime soon if I can help it,” I say, scooping the coffee from the red cylinder and dumping it into the filter.
“Come on, you know that’s not feasible,” she scoffs.
“Why?” I ask, stubbornly. Slamming the lid and hitting the green button, I turn to lean against the counter.
“What happened when you came to see me?” she asks, arching her thin eyebrow.
I grind my teeth together. “A mistake.”
“Right? There’s too much still there between you. Trust me, I know all about that. Denying it will only make the coming together more explosive.”
“Trust me, it was dangerous enough,” I mumble.
***
San Mateo, two months earlier
I sip on my beer as I take in the party raging around me. This is our version of Mardi Gras. Scantily clad women weave their way through the crowd while engines are revving as the men open up their bikes in friendly races. I walk through the crowd, seeing familiar faces.
“Hey, Dixie Rose, good to see you,” a gruff voice calls out.
I glance up at Wrench and smile. He’d been a prospect when I left, but the wiry blond with big brown eyes had grown up well. “Hey, Wrench, came out to see my girl, Blue, take her place with Shadow.”
He laughs. “Crazy, ain’t it?”
“Nah, right on time, I think,” I reply.
“Shit, glad he got away from Calla. She’s fucking toxic.”
“You won’t hear me disagree,” I say.
“What are you drinking on? Can I get you another one?” Wrench asks.
“Yeah, I’d like that.” I offer up a smile.
He leads me through the crowd to one of the coolers. “Beer okay?”
“Yeah, I don’t want to stand in that line.” I glance over to the winding row of people waiting for a bartender. The sweetbutts could barely keep up with the demand.
He hands me a bottle.
I twist off the cap and we watch the bikini wearing girls scramble.
“Can’t say they aren’t earning their keep this weekend,” Wrench observes.
I snicker. “For once.”
Wrench grins.
I don’t have anything against sweetbutts. They have their place in the life. They provide relief, have fun doing it, and take care of the necessary shit no one else wants to, or has the time for. Like cooking and cleaning. I didn’t want to tidy up after a club full of men, so it always made sense to me. I also never had an old man to worry about. Of course, to me that was between the couple. Whatever rules they decide works for them was personal. I didn’t have a right to judge, it wasn’t how we did things.
“So, how’s Santa Monica treating you?” Wrench asks.
“Good. Been at the same gig for almost five years now, counseling kids if you can believe it.”
“No shit, a member of KOC telling the youth what to do with their life? That’s a first.”
I laugh. “Yeah. I like it though. Most kids still have that innocence about them. They think they can change the world, and there’s something fucking admirable about that.”
“Yeah, we don’t have a lot of non-jaded people around here,” Wrench agrees, immediately understanding. He is a legacy, born and bred in the club. He understands the crazy that automatically comes along with the title.
“Exactly. I miss home, though…the sounds, scents, and most of the people,” I admit.
“You got a raw deal sometimes. A lot of us hated that for you. But wasn’t our place to speak up,” Wrench says.
“Believe me, I get it. It’s why I left. My hands were tied, and my mouth was getting tired of staying shut. Figured it was best for everyone if I took a hiatus.”
“You thinking about coming back?” Wrench asks.
“I think I’m good with visits.”
“I don’t know. This is where you belong, girl. It’s in your blood same as mine. You can go away, but it’ll pull you back somehow.”
“Not just yet.”
Cracks echo in the distance. I lift my head and grin at the fireworks.
“Damn, they went all out,” Wrench points out.
The brilliant displays of red, green, blue, and white mesmerizes me. I was a small child, in awe. Craning our necks, we watch the show and continue to drink. Wrench was easy on the eyes, and great at conversation. The alcohol loosens my inhibitions as the stress and tension fade. The laughter was sweet, and his admiring gaze felt even better.
“Why don’t we take this some place more private?” Wrench asks.
I remember how long it’s been since I slept with someone. “Sounds good to me.” We move toward a quieter area, and he wraps an arm around my waist, pulling my body flush against him. My breasts get heavy, and my center pulses. I wrap my arms around him, tilting my head back.
His lips are soft, and he’s eager. He works me over slowly with his talented tongue.
He tastes like beer and man, a lethal combo in my book. I moan, and he deepens the kiss, grinding his hips into mine. I wrap my arms around his neck and toy with the short hair at his nape.
“The fuck you doing, Wrench?” a voice growls.
Reality splashes over me like a bucket full of ice for the ASL challenge.
“What’s up, Echo?” Wrench says.
I pull back and see the frown on Wrench’s face.
“The fuck is this shit?” Echo’s face is flushed, and his hands clench into fists.
“Playing catch up with Dixie Rose,” Wrench answers.
“With your tonsils?” Echo spits.
“She ain’t got your mark on her, brother,” Wrench drawls.
“The fuck she doesn’t,” Echo says. He grabs my arm and yanks me away. “Show him or I will.”
I want to scratch his fucking eyes out. “Fuck you.”
“That can be arranged.” Echo reaches out and yanks at my jeans until I give in and pop the top button. There on my hip was an ornate crown with a bold English letter E in the center of the base.
“Shit, man,” Wrench holds up his hands, “I didn’t know.”
“This means nothing. It was a mistake,” I say.
“Doesn’t fucking matter, little girl. That shit is for life, and you know it,” Echo retorts. “This stays here, you feel me, brother?”
Wrench nods. “Yeah, I got it.” He slips away.
I was left on my own. “You’re a real asshole.”
“And you’re a crazy bitch if you think I was going to let this fly.” He grips my wrist hard and drags me thorough the crowd to a secluded corner not touched by the lights. “You won’t give me the time of day, but you want to give my shit away to him?” he snarls.
“It’s not your shit. It hasn’t been your shit since you bailed on me.”
“It wasn’t like that—”
“What was it then, Echo?” I ask and turn to him, praying he’ll answer.
“Doesn’t matter now.”
“Always with the copout.” I shove him away. “You don’t get to hold me hostage. I will do whoever, whenever I please.”
“Not in this town you won’t,” he deadpans.
“You turned out to be a bully, just like your father.”
“The fuck did you just say?” He advances toward me.
I step back until my back meets the wall.
“You think you know me? You don’t know shit about me or the life I live. You knew the rules when you got my mark. Yet, you come here and blatantly disrespect me.”
“Please…no one knows,” I say flippantly.
“I fucking know. That’s all that matters. We both know your place is here with me. You might be pissed, but I bet your body knows who it belongs to.” His voice lowers an octave.
My nipples peak and my tummy quivers.
“If I touch you right now I’ll bet you’ll be wet.”
“You won’t get the chance to find out,” I snap.
“You trying to keep me from touching what’s mine?”
There’s an edge to his voice I know well. I bite my lip to keep from provoking him.
“Silence isn’t going to help you, little girl.”
I turn away.
Grasping my chin, he forces me to look at him. “You want me to remind you who you belong to?”
I shake my head, unable to speak.
He trails the back of his knuckles down my face. “No? Funny you’re so silent now, but you were giving me hell before. You’ve been a bad girl, and you need to be punished.” He runs the tips of his fingers over the top of my panties visible through the still open top of my jeans.
I shiver.
A shit eating grin appears on his face.
My breath catches in my chest as I wait for his next move.
He continues to move the tips of his strong fingers back and forth for a few minutes until he slips his fingers inside my panties and caresses my slit. “So fucking wet for me, aren’t you?” He circles my clit.
A whimper slips from my lips.
“Now tell me you don’t belong to me.”
“I-I don’t.”
Echo thrusts a finger inside my slick sheath.
I cry out.
“What’s that?” he asks, moving his finger faster. “I didn’t quite catch it.” He adds another finger.
Now, I am lost. Moving my hips in time with his movements, I match the rhythm. He crooks his fingers and my pussy quivers.
“Still waiting to hear it,” he rasps.
“N-no,” I manage to moan.
He pounds my pussy, and I’m a whimpering pile of need, perched on the edge.
He pauses with two fingers as deep as they’ll go.
“No,” I cry out.
“Tell me who you belong to, and I’ll give you what you need.”
“You.” The words were out of my mouth before I could deny.
He pulls his fingers back and slams home.
Stars explode behind my eyelids, and I come—hard. I feel shame, but I’m fully sated.
***
Present
“In the words of Tori Amos, just because he can make me come, doesn’t mean he’s God,” I say to Blue.
“Yeah, he wasn’t trying to be your god. He was trying to prove his claim,” Blue replies.
“Let me have my denial, damn it.”
“Sorry, no can do. I have to get you ready for what’s to come, and I can’t do that if we’re pretending Echo is going to let sleeping dogs lie. Scratch that. The dogs are very much awake. That’s the problem.”
I sigh. “All this time and I still can’t shake the bastard.”
“Maybe that’s a sign, babe.”
“Of my stupidity.”
“You were the one who encouraged me to give Shadow a try, and urged me to find my happiness. Can’t I do the same for you? You need to hash this shit out with him. You’ll never really move on otherwise.”
I know she’s right, but I have too much on my plate to focus on a failed relationship and my battered heart. I draw strength and comfort from her presence as I get ready for the day and head off to the hospital to face the aftermath of my father’s heart attack.
I can’t help but mentally cringe as we approach my father. He’ll see it as an ambush. He doesn’t take kindly to disloyalty of any sort.
“I don’t like the looks of this,” Hoss mumbles.
“Well, you won’t like what the doc has to say either, Pops,” I say honestly.
He sighs and looks at the doctor. “Come in and make your case. I’ll listen. I can do that much for the man who saved my life.”
“Thank you, Mr. Dunn,” Doc Adams says.
“Call me Hoss.”
“Okay, Hoss. This was a warning from your heart. You haven’t been treating it right, and it’s set to give, unless you change things.”
“Change things, how?”
“Well for one, less salt, less alcohol, and less stress.”
“Hell, you want to take all the fun out of my life. I might as well let the ole ticker give out.”
“Pops!” I cry.
“Doc wants to make me old before my time. The way he makes it sound, all I’m fit to do is sit in a rocker on the front porch and sip iced tea.”
The image his words bring makes me giggle. “No, he didn’t.”
“I realize this will be a huge adjustment, but it’s the only option you have,” Doc Adams states. “Continuing as you have been will leave you with a pacemaker, living on borrowed time. The people who follow the plans we set have gone on to live happy, healthy lives.”
“I hear you, Doc. You got a run-down of this program you’re pushing?”
He’s willing to give it a try.
“I have a generalized one yes, but we’d customize one for you. We want you to be healthy, not miserable.” He hands over a few sheets of paper.
I watch, holding my breath as Pops rifles through them.
“I see lots of green shit, Doc. Never was a fan of veggies.”
“We’ll pack them full of flavor, Pops. Trust me, I learned how to spice up the taste of things in college,” I say.
He grunts. “You planning on instructing me over the phone, girl?”
The words hit my heart like a barb. “No, I’ll be here to do it.”
“What about your job in Santa Monica? That ain’t commutable, darlin’.”
“It’s almost summer; I’ll take family leave and a sabbatical. If you commit to this, Pop, I’ll stay.”
His eyes light up, and I know I have him.
“Done. I’ll be a model patient, Doc.”
What the hell did I just get myself into?
***
Echo
I waited until her father got home and somewhat on his feet before I came for her. Despite my linage, I’m not the asshole most people expect me to be. Every boy wants to grow up to be just like his father. I was no different. My father was a proud example of what a King of Chaos should be: loyal, strong, and ready to take care of business, or defend his own. At one time, he was the apple of my damn eye. I didn’t realize till much later in life how fucked up his views were.
We lost my grandfather in his prime to a fucking robbery of all things. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and caught a bullet to the brain. They found the guy; a black man strung out on heroin. I think that’s where his bullshit beliefs about keeping races separate, and blacks being inferior started.
Growing up, I thought he wanted to protect us from people who meant us harm. It was a familiar concept I could accept because it was an extension of us versus them. Civilians and the club. Then I saw how he treated Dixie Rose. Suddenly, I understood what he felt and taught was corrupt and wrong. A hate that knew no bounds. It wasn’t about him protecting those he loved from the outside world, or the people who’d hurt Grandpa. It was an uncontrollable hate for anyone with the wrong color of skin. It screwed with me, divided my loyalties. I’d always been drawn to Dixie Rose. She was a brilliant ray of sunshine, always laughing and smiling. I never understood why my father acted so gruff with her. I made a career of hiding our relationship. Maybe that’s why I thought I could have my cake and eat it too.
I was dead fucking wrong.
Parked in my car like a little bitch afraid to face the consequences of my actions, I try to form a plan. We’re welcoming Hoss back into the fold officially. It’s the perfect diversion to get her alone. With all the carrying on, I can get her back to my dorm. She’s angry and obstinate, the only way I can get her to sit still long enough to speak with me is by force. I can’t blame her really. I fucked us royally. I’d make good on it if she would let me.
I need to prove to her I’ve changed.
I wasn’t the man she needed me to be before. That’s changed. Ready to get things started, I step from the car and amble inside.
The party is in full swing. The old ladies not cool with the scantily clad women draped over available brothers are gone, and things are anything but PG. The smell of weed, liquor, and pussy envelopes me. I scan the room and spot Shadow with his arm around Blue. She can’t be too far from them.
“Good to see you, brother,” Wrench says.
“You too,” I say, casually perusing the crowd.
“Looking for your girl?” Wrench asks.
“Yeah.”
“Probably watching the epic pool match going down between Slick and Quick.”
“Damn, you got money on that?”
“Hell no, it’s anyone’s game. Both of those fuckers are sharks,” Wrench quips.
“True that,” I reply, laughing. “Catch you later, man.” I walk through the club, shaking off the questing hands of the blonde I’d been nailing on a regular basis. I could give a fuck about free pussy when I’m trying to lockdown my old lady. I had enough of cheap girls vying for my attention, hoping for a mark I’ll never give them. I knew a long time ago who I wanted. The years apart have only reinforced that. I spot her in the corner sipping on a bottle of beer as she watches Slick line up a shot.
Her hair is pulled up on top of her head revealing her slender neck. The swell of her full breasts in the form fitting black tank top with the KOC emblem and the tight black pants have my dick twitching. She looks like royalty. Her face isn’t caked with makeup…there’s a delicate beauty to her. With her full lips painted red, and the fringe of eyelashes accentuating those brown orbs that never miss a thing, she is a goddess to me.
She’s a part of it, but separate. I want to change that. She deserves to be immersed in the culture she was born to. I walk up on her blindside and lean against the wall beside her.
“Here I thought you weren’t going to show,” she drawls.
“Good to know you were looking for me,” I say.
She scowls. “Don’t flatter yourself. I like to know where my enemies are.”
“I’m many things, but your enemy has never been one of them.”
“I don’t know, people who hurt me aren’t my friends.”
Her words hit their target, but I refuse to let it show. “Not what you said the last time we had a run in.”
“So, you make my pussy wet. You taught me all I know; it’s a matter of muscle memory.”
I lean down and whisper in her ear, “Fucking bullshit.”
“I’m sorry, did I hurt your feelings?” she retorts.
“Takes more than that. I want to bring this shit out in the open.”
“What?” She blinks owlishly. “No, you can’t do that. I won’t let you do that.”
“You think you control me?”
“I swear if you do this, I will hate you forever,” she growls.
“Ashamed of me now?” I ask, pissed.
“No longer willing to take on the shit storm that would come with you.”
“Fuck this.” I lift her up and toss her over my shoulder.
Her beer bottle crashes to the ground. “No!” She pounds my back.
I give her ass a few playful slaps and lead her through the crowd. I catch my father’s gaze.
His face goes flush, his eyes are full of rage, and his lips form a thin line.
I stare him down. He fucked this up for me before, I’m not about to let it happen a second time. I stride through the club and down the hall to my dorm room. Questions will follow, and I’ll answer them truthfully. This is my fucking old lady. She wears my brand, and it’s time she brings her ass home for good and learns that her place is beside me. If we’d hashed this out earlier, it never would’ve come to this. I open the door, step in, and kick it shut with my boot. I toss her to the bed and move quickly, pinning her arms above her head.
“You son of a bitch! You had no right to do this.” The shimmer in her eyes tells me she’s close to tears.
“I know you’re mad at me. I deserve it, but I had to let you go for your safety.”
She stops struggling. “What are you talking about?”
“You always wanted to know what happened that night I was supposed to leave with you. I’m ready to tell the story if you’re ready to listen.”
“And if I want to leave afterward?”
“You can go, but I’m telling them the truth either way. I’m sick of hiding shit and letting him win.”
“Who?”
I sigh. “My father.”
Understanding dawns in her expression. “I should’ve fucking known. I’m not going anywhere.”
I pull back and move off the bed. “We thought we were so careful, always meeting up places, and keeping our visits sporadic.” I laugh thinking how naïve we were. “I was prospecting and of course, my every move would be monitored. I can’t believe how stupid I was. I told you I’d take care of you. Thought I was a big man, but he showed me just how false that belief was. You know, he was my sponsor. It was never a question. He’s a hands-on man who likes to do shit himself. The brothers understood that. They knew he was impartial enough not to be soft with me because of blood…hell, I’d say he was harsher for that very reason. I did whatever he wanted without complaint. I wanted him to be proud of me, you know?” I glance over at her.
Biting her lip, she nods.
“Only thing I could never do was follow his crooked ass belief system. I get that he lost his dad, but blaming an entire race for it? And shit, did I hate the way he treated you. I thought once I claimed you, he’d be forced to show you respect. It was all figured out in my mind. Then that night, before I could come to you, he caught me.”
***
San Mateo, 2001
I should be nervous, but instead I feel excitement. It’s the weekend before my girl leaves for school, and we’re making shit official. Vegas is just a four hour drive away and it will be a Dunn & Spencer ceremony. Having her ride with me is the only way I’ll be able to handle the distance, knowing she’s mine in every way. I never want to hold her back from her dreams. I get that a full ride is a big deal, and she could never be content staying in this small town working some menial job, or staying at home shooting the shit all day until we decide to bring kids into the equation. She needs more. This works for both of us. I finish loading up my saddlebag, sling it over my shoulder, and make my way out of the club.
“Going somewhere?” my father asks, stopping me by the door.
“Yeah, off to ride for the weekend. I cleared it with Stone.”
“But not me?” my father says.
I frown. “Didn’t think I had to, things are quiet. The tasks you gave me are done.”
“You think I don’t know about your dalliance with that Negro tart.”
The words make me ball my fists. “Watch what you say about her,” I growl.
“Or what, boy? You going to take on your sponsor? Kiss that top rocker you’ve been working on good-bye then.”
“Your beliefs are your own, old man. They have nothing to do with me.”
“They got everything to do with you You know what that would look like? My kid is sticking his prick in some black bitch’s pussy.”
“You don’t talk about her like that,” I snarl.
“I’ll say whatever I please, and if you ever want to be a part of the Kings, you’ll do exactly what I say.”
“This is bullshit.”
“You need everyone to vote yes to be patched in.”
His threat makes my blood run cold. He has the power to ruin what I’ve spent the past two years of my life working toward.
“I see I got your attention. You’re going to ditch your phone, forget you knew that little nigger, and let her see what it feels like to have her heart broken.” He produces a burner from his pocket and waves it from side to side.
My jaw clenches. He has no idea what he’s ruining for me. “And if I don’t?”
“Then you’ll never be a part of KOC, and I can’t help but think your little friend will meet with an accident sooner or later. It’d be a terrible shame to see that happen, wouldn’t it? Choose now. We’re leaving for a run, and I want you on it.”
The run will take months. I’m forced to weigh the club or Dixie Rose, knowing damn well if I’m not KOC…she’s already lost to me. Her father would never sit back and allow her to be with a prospect who couldn’t earn his patch. It’s bad enough Mouth is my father. I can’t take his threat to her safety lightly. He’s obsessed enough to arrange something outside of the club. Race mixing is a greater sin than betraying a brother in his eyes. My stomach aches. I can’t keep her safe. I have no real power. “Can I at least end things?”
“No. She doesn’t deserve an explanation. She should’ve known better than to think she could live up to the standards of us Spencers. Bitch never knew her place. Now, I’ll see she learns it.” There’s a promise of violence in his eyes.
I know then, I can’t have her until I can sufficiently protect her. That means my patch. “Whatever you say, old man.” I pull out my phone and hand it to him. “I’ll get myself ready to ride.”
We exchange phones, and he grins. “Good boy. We all want a little strange now and then. But you don’t commit to it.”
I grunt and hurry to my room, so he doesn’t see me tear up.
***
Present
“Why didn’t you tell me this?” she whispers.
“When? It took me another year to get my patch thanks to that evil bastard, and by then you’d moved on and found happiness. I saw it with my own eyes. I didn’t want to destroy that. Not after hearing about how I fucked you up so badly.” I shake my head. “No, it was better to just let it be until the time was right.”
“Why now?” she asks, crossing her arms under her chest.
“Because I can protect you from whatever he tries to pull and his time is almost over. He knows that.”
She bites at her lip and shakes her head. “This is too much. I can’t.”
I didn’t expect her to forget her anger toward me, but I’d hoped for something more. “I get that. Just…it’s time we stop pretending like things never happened between us, and I want to try again.”
“You hurt me bad, Joel.”
I close my eyes. “I know. But keeping you safe and me in a position to protect you was number one, over everything.”
“I get that. Y-you really think he would’ve hurt me?”
“I saw it in his eyes, babe. There’s no doubt in my mind he would’ve taken vengeance. I couldn’t live with that.”
“You’re still hell bent on telling them?” she asks.
I meet her gaze. “I’m a bastard. If I can’t have you, neither can anyone else in this club. You want to go find a civilian and live the regular life, I can’t stop you. I’ll hate that shit, but eventually, I’ll accept it. Seeing you here and knowing your place is by my side I couldn’t take. I’d kill someone.”
She must see the truth in my eyes because for once, she keeps her comments to herself. “When?”
“Next time we go to church in a couple of days.”
“Okay, I’ll break it to my Pops before then.”
“You want me to be with you?” I ask.
“I think it’s best if you’re not.”
“I can respect your opinion. But I’m not leaving you in this alone again. Tell me when and where,” I say.
“Tomorrow around noon.”
“I’ll be there.”
“I need air and space right now. I’m going to go.”
“Go where?”
“Anywhere but here.” She walks to the door.
I ball my fists, fighting back my need to keep her with me. “If you run, I’ll follow you.”
“I’m done running. This is me choosing to walk away.” She disappears from my door.
I hang my head. Funny, I thought the truth would make me feel better, but I feel like dog shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe. Shit has to get worse before it can better, I think, hoping it’s not a lie.