Chapter Eleven – Bryn

I hate myself, I really do, but this is what I need to do for the moment. Somehow, Coach has gotten wind that there might be someone turning my eye, he doesn’t know who, but it’s enough, and he’s given me shit for it. I mean, serious hell. I haven’t ever been yelled at like that in my life. He told me that I’m throwing my career down the toilet and that I need to sort out my priorities. He’s right, as well. I know it. I am sacrificing. I told myself that no one was worth throwing all of this down the toilet for, and then I thought she was, but I can’t keep on down the same path if I want to have this career. Clearly, I’m the only one who cannot have it all.

I tug my cell phone out of my pocket and put in a call to my dad. I need to hear his familiar voice at the moment, he’s the only one who can calm me down. I’ve made such a mess of everything. I need his love.

“Hey, Son,” he answers much too brightly. “How’s it going? I’ve had a pretty good day.”

“You have?” I actually would prefer to listen to him than talk right now. I want to be consumed by someone else’s life for just a moment, rather than the mess that I’ve made of mine. “What happened?”

“I’ve had hundreds of new online customers that seem to have come from nowhere. It’s crazy.”

I smile to myself, glad that the advertising campaign that I funded on his behalf has worked. I know that Dad won’t take money from me, I’ve already tried that, and when I paid off some of his bills on his behalf he went mad, basically insinuating that I thought he couldn’t cope alone, which wasn’t what I wanted at all. So, now I have a new method. I pay for advertising where I know that he won’t see it, and I make his business more successful. I hope I haven’t gone too far this time, I don’t want him to have more orders than he can cope with!

“Oh, that’s awesome! I’m very happy to hear it. It sounds like things are picking up.”

At least this way, he feels like he’s the one doing it by himself. He’s able to keep his pride.

“Yeah, yeah, so I’m doing really well. How about you? Has your day been as good?”

I did want to share a little bit of my sadness, but now I don’t think that I can. He’s in such a positive mood that I cannot allow myself to bring him down. “My day has been great. I’m actually off out tonight, that’s all…”

“Ah!” Dad replies knowingly. “Out with your young lady that you’re still being very secretive about.” I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the agony that causes me. “Of course, I understand. I’m busy anyway.”

“Yep,” I reply thickly. “I’ll definitely be down to see you tomorrow at some point though.”

“You got me tickets for the finals yet?” There’s a teasing to his tone now. His confidence in my ever decreasing ability just keeps on shining through. “Since you guys are definitely going to be there. I have to come and watch you play, even if I can hardly see you. I don’t mind having a seat way at the back somewhere…”

“I’ll get you a box, don’t you worry about that.” I can do that for him. I want him to be there even if I play crap. I’m hoping that by then I’ll be back up to where I was. “You’ll have the best seats there.”

“That’s great, Son, and you know that I’m very proud of you, don’t I? You really are doing well.”

At that point I have to say my goodbyes, I cannot handle this right now. I don’t want to hear any compliments when I feel like I’m the worst person in the world. I hate myself, I’m very unhappy with what I’ve done, so I need to put this to an end without even acknowledging it. “Oh, Dad, I have to go, I’m being called…”

“Oh, love is yelling you, I understand. Don’t you worry about that. You go and have some fun. Love you.”

“Yeah.” I rub my forehead hard. “I love you too, Dad.” I love him so much that I’m willing to toss it all. “And I hope you’re alright getting all your work done. I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

I hang up and slide into my car seat, before banging my fist against my steering wheel in sheer frustration. I had it all, I was on top of the world, I was climbing up the career ladder in the very best way. I was about to be the best player in the finals, I was going to have everything, I would be able to command a salary, ward off advertising deals, help my father out even more, and really start my life. It was there, almost at my finger tips…

But then Rebekah came along, and a new desire formed in my mind. I started to see a different future forming. I had different dreams. I was going to have the career and the girl, I wanted to incorporate love into the vision that I had for myself. Even when I didn’t want to look into the future, it happened anyway.

Now, I don’t know. Now, I could lose it all. Now my whole life is crumbling.

“Argh!” I cry loudly, glad that I have the metal protection of my vehicle. “Argh, fucking argh!”

I need to get away, so I hit my foot on the gas and I speed off. I probably drive too quickly, potentially adding a driving offense onto my list of scandals, but I don’t care. Actually, in the heat of the moment, all I want to do is keep on driving far away from here. There’s a temptation to just keep on going…

***

I sit in Coach’s office, staring blankly at the ever familiar walls. This time as he shouts, the words fly over my head. I’m getting better, my focus is improving and he knows it… but still, he expects more. He won’t let up or allow me a moment to relax. He keeps pushing and pushing me, trying to send me over the edge. It doesn’t matter what I give, I’m not who I used to be anymore and that’s enough to drive him mad.

I mean, we won the last game. I played well and so did the other guys, so it didn’t even matter. I don’t know why he’s climbing up my ass and giving me shit for nothing. I need to be left alone.

“What can I do for you, Bryn?” Coach screams. “I mean, what? Please, tell me. If you can give me an answer then all of this will be a million times better. I can actually help you, I want to help you.”

I close my eyes and roll them to the back of my head as I drink in his request. I want to demand that he let me go for a bit, that he stop bending my ear and leave me to be free, but I know for a fact that won’t go down well.

“I just need to train harder,” I rasp at him. “I’ve been working hard every night, spending time not at training in the gym, I’m resting hard… my routine is exactly where it used to be. I’ll be much better.”

Coach sighs and shakes his head. “You keep telling me this, but I don’t see it. No, that’s not fair, you are improving now that you’ve stopped focusing on your personal life.” My personal life… that’s what Rebekah is being known as now. “Which you can get back to once the season is done, but it isn’t enough.”

“Right.” My lips purse tightly, I furrow my eyebrows and do what I can to keep my cool which really isn’t easy. “Okay, so all I can do is keep on trying, right? I can’t do anything magical. I’ll just give it my all.”

“You used to be magical,” Coash says sadly while looking at me as if I’ve become a stranger to him. He doesn’t even seem to know me any longer. “I don’t know what happened to you. It makes me sad.”

I scrape my chair back, being the one to end the conversation this time, and I walk out of his office without another word. I might be doing a fairly good job of avoiding Rebekah and continuing to use my shitty excuses, but that doesn’t mean she’s far from my mind. There are reminders of her everywhere, namely the elevator. I can’t be in that fucking place now without thinking of her and that kiss. It’s killer. I hate being in it alone, the memories circle and destroy me. I have to close my eyes and just go for the ride.

“Oh, Bryn.” I’m stunned out of my thoughts as Andrew rests his hand on my arm. I didn’t even realize that he was there. “I was just coming to find you. I just…” His eyes fall low and I have a horrible feeling that I’m not going to like what comes next. “I just… I want to be here to talk to you if you need it.”

Oh! I wasn’t expecting that. Me and Andrew haven’t ever really been friends, just team mates. This is very unexpected, I don’t know how to take it. “Oh right, I see… thank you. That’s erm, that’s really nice of you, thank you.” I give him a curious look, waiting for his next move. “Erm, yeah…”

He rests his hand on my shoulder. “I know that you’re having a hard time at the moment, and trust me, I’ve been there. I don’t know what’s going on in your personal life but I do know that it’s hard to juggle a girlfriend and all of this.” He smiles genuinely at me, giving me a real look of friendship that I haven’t seen before. “I take a lot of flak from the guys but I don’t care because I know how hard I’ve fought to balance it all out.”

I try to smile back but the look won’t creep up onto my face however hard I try. “Thank you,” I say gravelly back. “But I don’t think that’s going to be a problem, things have fallen apart anyway.”

He doesn’t say Rebekah’s name, but I’m sure he must know. Everyone seems to know that we were once a thing now, I don’t know how. The only person who hasn’t been told of her identity is Coach, thank God. I know there is fraternizing between the team and cheerleaders, but it isn’t allowed. Coach would lose his shit especially since he’s already so furious at me. This would make him flip out totally.

“Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Andrew pats me on the back. “And like I said, I’m always here.”

Wow, it feels nice to have someone on my side, especially when I feel a bit like the whole world is against me right now. Everywhere I turn, I get a lot of hate. “Thank you very much, that means a lot to me.”

“Do you want to go out for a drink?” he asks me on impulse. I don’t think he planned to say this, but it’s out now. “Not the team, just me and you.”

“Erm…” Actually, the idea has never sounded so appealing. “Yes, that sounds great actually.”

Maybe, just maybe I might end up with a friend out of all of this. It isn’t either of my dreams, but perhaps life is giving me exactly what I need right now. Just someone to talk to. This drink might be the start of something new.