Playing For Keeps by Mia Ford (31)

In fact, I was trying to find a way to keep her.

I knew that if I was to stay up here, refusing to become part of society, a normal life would never be possible.

So, I needed to give myself a reason to leave, a reason to be normal again, without doing it strictly for Carrie.

If I was going to leave, I needed to ensure that even if things didn’t work out with Carrie, I wouldn’t resort to cutting myself off from humanity. Especially since, I knew I wouldn’t be able to come out here again. There would be too many memories and thus, it would be worse than staying in society.

Contemplating the events and actions taken throughout the past few days, I focused on the escalation. It had felt so right, so natural. It still did.

There was no doubt in my mind that I was more attracted to her now, than I was before we had made love.

I would do anything to be able to give her the chance I knew she deserved…but I also knew that I was getting ahead of myself.

I was certain that thinking this way would only give me false hope. I didn’t want to be up here in the mountains, away from everyone. I wished I felt differently about humanity. I wished I had the ability to forgive and to let go of the past but the fact that I still felt guilty, even though there was nothing to feel bad about was proof that I was incapable of becoming that person.

I couldn’t forgive, and I couldn’t forget. I had made my decision, and apparently, against my wishes and willingness to try, I was unable to commit to attempting to have a normal life ever again.

Why are you sabotaging what is probably your last chance at happiness? I thought, angrily as I pushed my way through the bushes. The physical attempt to relieve the stress wasn’t working. The movement only made me more aggravated and the inconsistency of my racing thoughts was maddening.

One minute, I wanted to figure out how to leave this mountain and try to rebuild my life, hopefully with Carrie by my side but the next, I was giving myself a million reasons why I should stay put.

I couldn’t make up my mind and all I wanted to do was get back to the cabin and go to sleep.

Usually, sex was good for that, but I supposed the guilt counteracted any release of tension the lovemaking had created; resulting in a clusterfuck of doubt, indecision, and confusion.

I certainly didn’t want to feel guilty, especially when there was nothing I could do about it. I had no one to forgive me or hate me for what I’ve done. There was no one that I had in my life that was worthy of judging me, or even forgiving me, because I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Yet, my conscious seemed to think I had.

I walked around, mostly in a wide circle for about an hour, before I decided that I should return to the cabin.

While I didn’t want to go back, the longer I was out, the more stressed I became about something happening while I was away.

I tried to convince myself that Jake was there, and everything would be fine, but the anxiety I felt eventually got the better of me.

When I returned, I was surprised to find Carrie was awake.

“Hi,” she grinned, her eyes gazing at me amorously, “I hope you don’t mind. I figured I would try to actually walk around a little, but I got tired.”

Instead of sitting in the bed, she was now sitting in my chair. I was pleased to see that she had prepared tea for herself.

“No, it’s fine. Great, actually. I’m glad to see you’re able to get up and get around. How’s your ankle?” As I spoke, my eyes lowered to her leg, where I saw a clear view of her ankle.

“It’s good! You did a great job patching me up,” she exclaimed. “The only reason I had to stop was because I was tired. It didn’t have anything to do with my leg…Also, my tea was done.”

Playfully, she held up the mug and grinned widely.

In that snapshot of her, glowing with post-lovemaking excitement, sitting in my chair, hoisting up a mug, from tea she had figured out how to make herself in my quaint kitchen, Cassie looked perfectly at home.

“That’s good. I know it’s small, but you are welcome wherever you want to go,” I answered her, more to get my mind off the image that I had gotten of her, of what could possibly be the start of us, if I wasn’t so damn stubborn. “My chair, your chair. My tea, your tea.”

“Do you want some?” Cassie asked quickly, as though she felt guilty for not offering earlier.

I shook my head, “No, I’m fine, thanks.”

She grinned at me and took a sip of her tea, pointedly settling deeper into my chair.

“I get why you always sit in this chair. It’s really comfortable,” she replied playfully.

“Yeah, well, when comfort is all you have…” I grumbled, realizing that I absolutely hated the feeling of contentment the sight awarded me.

Chapter 11

Carrie

When I awoke to the silent, empty cabin, save for Jake, who was curled up at my feet, still taking up nearly half the bed, I wasn’t the least bit afraid.

Strangely enough, waking up in the cabin gave me a greater sense of comfort than waking up in my apartment ever did; even with the looming threat of a potential killer.

This was strange to me, because I thought I must be crazy. The idea that I was in more danger than ever but felt safer than ever didn’t make sense.

I was almost bothered by the fact that I couldn’t find much fear in being alone there.

Did my mind just give up? I wondered, though I knew that wasn’t the case. I was well aware of my surroundings and the potential danger I was in, but strangely enough, I trusted both Johnathan and Jake.

Even though Johnathan had left, presumably to think, even though I was angry with him, I knew that he would never truly leave me. Plus, Jake was here. I knew he would protect me in Johnathan’s absence.

Simply the size of the massive dog, I presumed, would discourage almost anyone.

Especially that dipshit guide, I thought, strangely unafraid of him. Perhaps I felt shielded by the massive dog that slept at my feet, or the fact that despite our argument, I was content with the day Johnathan and I had shared.

Still, I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t freaking out, being that a dog can only protect me from so much.

However, I found a strange sense of contentment, in being alone in the cabin.

It was still daylight, but I was fatigued. I wanted to go back to sleep, but quickly realized I couldn’t.

It wasn’t that I didn’t understand why that was, since I had slept for a few days, almost consecutively by this point and decided that my body was simply done sleeping; although I still felt like I could use a few more hours, at least.

Yet, I took the advice my body was obviously trying to give me and got out of the bed.

I wasn’t hungry, but I wanted something, so I decided to make myself some tea.

Walking across the room, toward the kitchen, I was pleased to find that my ankle was healing well. I didn’t have any pain, only a little bit of weakness. Yet, I was still sure to take care. The last thing I needed was to re-injure it when I was making so much progress.

Although, it felt good to be up and walking around, my body ached, from the disuse and then the abundance of movement. Between the exertion of lovemaking and putting pressure on it to walk across the kitchen had tested the limits. However, it was eventually able to settle into the ability to be mobile without all that much pain.

Soon after I woke up, I saw a mound in the blankets on the bed rise, before a big, black snout shoved its way to freedom from the covers. I watched the nose sniff in the air, nostrils flaring, trying not to laugh.

Eventually, the rest of his head poked out.

“Don’t worry, boy. I’m still here,” I told him as he wrestled with the blanket to throw it off him.

When he saw me, his tail started to wag excitedly, and he leapt off the bed, nearly instantly arriving at my side.

“Good boy,” I told him, petting his head, and looking around for something to give him. I found a jar, which was filled with large treats. I grabbed a few and gave them to him, while Jake bounced up and down excitedly. His movements seemed to make the whole cabin quake.

When my tea was finished, I sauntered over to the chair, not wanting to return to the bed, but wanting to get off my feet.

I settled in, noticing that this was extremely relaxing. I closed my eyes but didn’t sleep. Instead, I thought about everything that had happened this morning and wondered what that meant.

Also, I wondered if it should mean anything. After all, we were both in a stressful situation, which could evoke reactions that weren’t exactly the normal responses that either of us would make if we weren’t in such a situation.

Still, there was a large part of me that didn’t want such a scenario to be the case.

Johnathan, even with his callous nature and strange behavior, made me feel a sense of excitement and need that I had never experienced before.

Johnathan wasn’t my first, but he was undoubtedly my best. I had never experienced such a fulfilling sexual encounter in all my life. I couldn’t wait to do it again. He was so exciting and mysterious, but strangely, it wasn’t those qualities that intrigued me during sex.

While we were making love, I felt as though I was actually experiencing Johnathan, the real, unbridled Johnathan, for the first time.

I felt as though for the first time, probably in a long time, but certainly since we met, he actually allowed himself some freedom.

I knew that it couldn’t be easy for him to continuously be that person, who hides everything and shoves everyone away, all the time. I knew there must be a reason, but even with such a staunch commitment, it couldn’t be easy to continue to be someone he wasn’t.

Making love to him had shown me what he was really capable of. He was sweet, considerate, and caring, without sacrificing his masculinity.

He was the full, sexy, dreamy package, wrapped into one extremely shielded person.

However, I was convinced that even with the small, but powerful introduction, I had become enamored with the man behind his façade.

I wondered how to get Johnathan to trust me enough to show me that man again, preferably in a situation where it was more appropriate for us to talk.

I wanted to get to know more about that Johnathan; the man that didn’t feel he needed to hide.

However, when Johnathan returned, despite how happy I was to see him, I could immediately tell that he wasn’t happy to see me.

While having the conversation about the tea and his chair, for a moment, I held out hope that I was wrong.

Yet, when he made no effort to continue the conversation, my original thoughts were confirmed.

“What’s wrong, Johnathan?” I asked, hoping that he would find it appropriate to speak to me, instead of blowing me off, as he often did.

“Listen, Carrie, I just want you to know that what happened before will not happen again, okay?”

“Um, okay…” I replied, unable to hide the fact that I was intensely hurt by his gruffness. “Why? What changed?”

“You’ve had your experience, fucking a mountain man, so you should leave it at that,” he retorted in an ire-stricken voice.

I could tell that he was hurt, though I didn’t understand why. I felt hot tears burn the corners of my eyes. I was angry and hurt. I immediately felt used and disrespected.

“What?” I exclaimed, getting to my feet, and rushing over to him. “Johnathan, please, I wasn’t looking for any kind of experience. I wasn’t trying to use you. I wanted you…I still want you…” When I poke, my voice sounded nearly as desperate as I felt.

I reached for him, but he backed away.

“Look, I’m not angry, or anything like that. I just don’t want to do that again. That’s it. I don’t blame you for anything…

“Yes, you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing, Johnathan. You’re using my words against me. I told you that I was looking for adventure by hiking the mountain, not fucking my way up it!”

He seemed slightly taken aback by my irate candor but didn’t allow that to waiver his misguided conviction.

“Well, maybe I realized what we did was wrong, and I don’t want any part of it.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s great! Mr. I’m gonna go hide up in the mountains, because I can’t deal with life, is going to try to be a beacon of morality all of a sudden. Just admit it, you wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with you. Now, you regret it…That’s fine. Shit happens, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me. I think you’re punishing yourself for something.”

“No, you’re wrong. I’m just trying to mitigate the damage for both of us. You’re up here, all alone, with only me and the dog, so it’s all well and good, but the moment you get back to your perfect suburbia, it isn’t the fucking guide that tried to rape you, it’s the goddamn mountain man that used you and betrayed you.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed, “Why would you think I would ever do that to you? Or to anybody, for that matter? How much of a bitch do you think I am? Or, is it just all women?”

“For your information, it’s not just women, I tend to see the worst in everyone.”

“Obviously,” I insisted, now more readily angry at being accused than hurt. However, I knew that the pain he had caused ran deep. I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to make him feel awful for trying to hurt me like he was, but I could hardly find the right words to respond to him, much less make him understand how terrible he was being to me. So, instead of trying to reciprocate with an equally degrading blow, I simply huffed and shook my head, “You know what, you can think whatever the hell you want. I can’t stop you from thinking whatever will help you sleep better at night, but just so you know, you’re wrong. I would never do that to you. I am attracted to you. That’s why I slept with you. I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do, but for you, to sit there and try to shame me, when it’s really just your insecurities that are making you feel like this…that makes you no better than that shit guide you “saved” me from.”

As I spoke, Johnathan dropped back, his mouth hinged wide open.

However, I didn’t give him any time to respond. I didn’t even care to look at him anymore, so I turned and stomped away, leaving him to brood over his decisions.

I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible.

Chapter 12

Johnathan

I watched her stomp away from me, and immediately regretted my decision. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t actually the two-faced asshole I was pretending to be. I wanted her terribly.

Seeing her eyes well up with tears, knowing that I was the cause made me feel like shit, but I wanted to believe this was what was good for both of us.

I wasn’t angry with her, as I had pulled of my idea to push her away perfectly.

Granted, I did convince myself, at least partially, that this was a good reason for me to try to push her away. She had told me that she was looking for an experience, so I went with it.

I was fairly certain it wasn’t true, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Not yet. I didn’t think it would be fair to her.

She was so sweet and caring, while I was…broken.

Regardless of how she felt, or what happened between us, it wouldn’t change the fact that she didn’t deserve to have to deal with someone like me. I realized that, for my own good, of course, but also for hers, that I cared enough about her to let her go.

Making promises I wasn’t sure I could keep and trying to be something I wasn’t didn’t bode well for my sanity and it wasn’t fair to Carrie.

I was trying to do what I thought was best for her and if it meant that I hurt her feelings, then so be it.

If I tried and failed at being a good partner, it would hurt her a whole hell of a lot worse. I was sure of it.

What I had done had obviously worked but now, having watched her stand up for herself in such away, part of what made me so angry was that I was now more attracted to her than ever.

I watched as Carrie moved back toward the bed and plopped down on it. She grabbed the pillow and stuffed her face into it.

Again, I wanted to comfort her. I was plagued by the stupid hope that somehow, I could be better. I wanted to make everything right, because I didn’t want to accept the person I had become.

When I was with Carrie, I felt like somebody. Yet, if I hurt her because I was too blind to realize I couldn’t change, it would destroy me.

So, this was better, I had convinced myself as I had walked back in the door. Seeing her up and around, sitting in my chair and making herself at home had made what I felt I had to do even harder, but I had done it.

Yeah, you jackass…You’ve done it, alright. I thought as my eyes wandered over to her form, laying motionless and soundless on the bed.

Again, Jake had taken her side and was trying to comfort her by placing his head on her side.

Occasionally, he would shoot me dirty looks, but he was a damn dog. I couldn’t expect him to understand.

All he knew was the sense of what was going on. He sensed that I was the cause for Carrie’s distress and so, even to my own dog, I was the asshole.

I tried to shrug it off, however, sitting down in my chair, trying to focus on anything other than the disappointment I had caused.

Neither one of us spoke for a while. Of course, I wasn’t going to speak.

I figured I just needed to get past a day or so, and then I could get her home and we could both return to our respective lives.

However, apparently, Carrie had other plans.

I heard movement directly behind me and turned, instinctually, to find Carrie standing there, staring at me.

I glowered at her, trying to seem unwelcoming, but she seemed to dismiss my actions as she stacked her hands atop the back of the chair.

“Johnathan,” she started in a voice that told me she was still upset, but was trying to keep it together, “What happened to you? I know it must’ve been something terrible and I’m sorry for that, but I would like to know what it is. Maybe then, we can work through whatever it is that is making you act this way.”

“It’s none of your damn business,” I retorted immediately, huffing angrily, “And once you go back to your normal life, it won’t matter anyway. I’m not some damn charity case. You can’t fix me,” I spat.

“I don’t think that,” Carrie insisted, but I could tell she was fighting to maintain her composure.

“Well, whatever it is that makes you so interested, I guarantee it won’t matter as soon as we’re back where we’re supposed to be.”

“You keep saying that, but you’re not worried about where you’re supposed to be, you’re worried about hiding!”

“Yeah, maybe I am. Even if you’ve got me all figured out, I’m sure I’m not worth deciphering. For all intense and purposes, Carrie, I don’t even exist. So, the best thing you can do is to view this as a learning experience and move on.”

I watched as Carrie stepped back slightly, in shock, but I could tell that she wasn’t about to accept what I was telling her. “You keep saying the experience, like I sought you out. I didn’t knock on your door and beg you to take me in. Like it or not you involved yourself, Johnathan. The experience I wanted was done the moment that the guide tried to take advantage of me!” She huffed, gathering her thoughts. When she spoke again, her voice was much calmer. “I didn’t ask for this experience, but part of me believes that this is what needs to happen. I think I needed to meet you. I think we might be good for one another.”

I hated the idea that she might be right and was annoyed at the fact that I had thought the same thing, during one of my more hopeful moments. However, I knew that agreeing with her, in any capacity was a slippery slope and so, instead, I simply blew her off.

“You’re too damn trusting!” I exclaimed, trying my best to sound like the dick I knew she would eventually give up on. “I’m cautious. That’s it.”

“You’re stupid, not cautious. You’re a coward. Instead of facing up to your fears, you run and hide in the mountains, bitching at anyone who even comes close to you, because God forbid you find one human who doesn’t fuck you over.”

I stopped short, now feeling a genuine bout of rage. I knew that I hurt her, but that still didn’t mean I appreciated the truth being thrown at me so callously.

“I am not a coward,” I seethed.

“Oh, yeah? What the hell would you call running away and spending your whole life in solitude? I’m pretty sure you’re not running from the law, so pushing everyone away isn’t exactly the best way to find a happy life.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” I hissed in protest.

“I know enough. It’s amazing what you find out when you want to know more about someone. Especially, someone as transparent as you!”

“Transparent? Really? Well, why don’t you go on another mountain hike. Maybe you’ll find a remaining member of the goddamn Manson family, and don’t expect my coward ass to come save you.”

“Oh, thanks. Throw that back in my face. Real mature!” Carrie screams back, her face reddening with rage, “You’re so pathetic! Just because you put walls up around you, doesn’t mean that I can’t see right through your bravado. You think you’re so tough, when really, when it comes to anything real, anything outside the realm of intimidation, you can’t handle yourself.”

“Or, maybe I’m just fed up with all the drama. Death is the only thing that is certain in this life. Not love, not trust, and certainly not friendship, so I’m sorry if I don’t want to go fuck every stranger I meet.”

At this, Carrie stopped, and I knew I had screwed up. I knew I had gone too far with my insults. I had gotten carried away, angry by her blunt honesty and I had really upset her. Being an ass was one thing, but I had used the only real thing I knew about her against her more than once and this time, I could see in her expression that my words cut particularly deep.

“Carrie,” I started, immediately trying to save myself, but she put her hand up and moved away from me with a sense of urgency. “Carrie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that…”

“You know what, Johnathan, I don’t really care. You could have meant it, you could not have meant it, but it doesn’t really matter. It still hurts all the same.”

“Dammit, Carrie, I’m trying to apologize!” I insisted, but I knew it was too late. My comment had already done its damage.

She ignored me, which angered me. I was more frustrated with myself than I was with her, but I didn’t have another way to curb my anger, so I lashed out.

“You know what, forget it! If you can’t accept that I am happy, then you can leave. I don’t need you trying to convince me why I should be miserable.”

At this, I received a reaction. I watched Carrie stop short, as her spine prickled with ire. I watched as the bones in her back thrust outward, underneath her shirt as she stood up abnormally straight.

It seemed to take forever for Carrie to turn around.

The stubborn ass that I am waited, knowing that I couldn’t show her any crack in my resolve. I had made my ultimatum and she was going to have to decide.

Even though I didn’t mean it and even though I wish I could’ve taken everything that I had said to her, this entire day, back, I couldn’t bring myself to admit any of this. Once again, I told myself that all I needed was myself and that others, Jake included, were secondary to myself.

After all, I had given everything I had and had it thrown back in my face. There was no way I was going to allow someone else to do that to me again.

When she finally curled around, I could tell that her equally stubborn nature was going to challenge me. I knew that she was going to call my bluff, even before her brooding eyes ensnared my gaze within her sight and her shocked expression turned to pure anger.

However, with the dramatic way in which she presented herself, I expected her to argue with me, or throw another hurtful comment in my direction, but she didn’t.

Carrie didn’t curse me, or yell, or even show that she was hurt by the choice that I had demanded of her. She didn’t make me feel guilty and she didn’t even ask why I would go to such an extreme.

Instead, her answer was simple, almost unfitting for the situation.

“Fine,” she replied, without her gaze so much as wavering from mine. Her body language was stoic, and her tone was placid.

I supposed that at that point, there was no reason for her to react any other way. I had given her an ultimatum and she had made her choice. There was no further room or need for discussion.

However, when I watched her calmly turn around and walk toward the door, I certainly didn’t feel as though I had gotten what I wanted.

In fact, I regretted nearly every decision I had made since meeting Carrie, though I still couldn’t justify a reason behind the commitment I had to her.

Chapter 13

Carrie

I was livid and more hurt than I could ever remember being. Inside, I was quaking with anger and pain, which surprised me when my expression and tone came out even.

However, I quickly decided, in that moment, when he had finally demanded I make that choice, that his decision to give me an ultimatum was a damn good reason to simply get the hell away from him.

Obviously, I was wrong about him.

I guess I’m not as good as judge of character as I thought I was… I told myself as I turned back toward the door.

I didn’t really have a plan, though I knew that I wasn’t going to stay a moment longer in a place where I was unwanted. Johnathan had made it abundantly clear that it was time to move on.

So, I walked toward the door, unwaveringly, trying not to show any sign of my distress. The aggravation he had caused made my head hurt and my ankle pulse with the rushing blood. However, I wasn’t going to show Johnathan any of that. I was done trying to figure him out.

I was done with him.

After all, how could he possibly do that to anyone, let alone a person who has tried to be nothing but nice to him.

Sure, he saved my life and I owed him a great debt for that, but I wasn’t about to exchange one form of abuse for another. I wasn’t going to be a martyr for a cause that I knew nothing about, simply so that he could pretend he isn’t attracted to me.

I knew the truth and while I wished he would see past his insecurities and trust me enough to let me in, I couldn’t make him do anything. I was sick of trying to figure out how to please him when all he seemed interested in was making me feel bad for one decision. I didn’t deserve that, and I wasn’t going to stand for him implying that I was a whore.

I had far more self-respect than that and there was no way in hell I was going to let him take that away.

When I opened the door and stepped out into the cool, mountain air, I drew in a deep breath, before moving forward and shutting the door behind me.

I limped away from the cabin and as I did, I heard the door opened and Johnathan’s voice call, in a slightly desperate manner, “Carrie! Come back! You can’t go out there like that! You still need to heal!”

I heard footsteps behind me and I quickened my pace. I wasn’t going to let him find me and talk me back into being trapped in the cabin with him for another second.

I had resolved that there was absolutely nothing I could do right, or to help him get over whatever it was that plagued him. While I wished things were different, I couldn’t help him change if he wasn’t wiling to put forth the effort, so there was nothing more I could do.

“Come on, Carrie…” Johnathan called, somewhat contritely, from only a few feet behind me, “I know you’re not ready to leave…You might get hurt.”

Knowing that it was only a moment more before he found me, I whipped around and screamed back into the woods, “I don’t need you! I never have!”

Instantly, I saw Jake break through the thicket that surrounded me, wagging his tail, and running toward me, happy that he was able to track me down. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“No!” I insisted, putting my arms up to signal I didn’t want him to go any closer. “Go home!”

Jake stopped and backed up slightly but tilted his head as though he didn’t understand.

“You heard me, go home!”

I felt bad for being so mean to Jake, but I didn’t want to go back to the cabin and if I went with Jake, I knew that was exactly where I’d end up.

“Go home!” I repeated, and the dog ducked down and whined, as though he was hurt by the way I was acting.

He whined.

“Stop it!” I hissed, as Johnathan broke through, into view.

“Carrie, come on! Let’s talk about this. You could fall…It’s so easy to get lost…”

“What do you care? You pushed me away. Congratulations. You’ve done exactly what you wanted to do. Doesn’t it feel great? Aren’t you happy that you were able to treat me so badly, that I would rather brave the wilderness than spending even one more day with you?”

Jonathan staggered back, as though he was genuinely regretting what he had done. However, it didn’t mean much to me now. Even if he had seen the error in his ways, I was done with trying to please him.”

“It’s okay, though, because you don’t really care. You’re far more concerned with convincing yourself that humanity has wronged you so badly, that you can’t ever fathom trusting anyone again, so why would you care about me? I am part of what you hate. You should be pleased with yourself.”

“Carrie, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean for you to leave…”

“Oh, I don’t know, I think you made it pretty clear when you told me to leave. It was either that or lie to you, which I think would be substantially worse. You can lie to yourself, that’s fine but I’m not going to placate your delusions. You’re not happy here. You don’t want to be here and whatever it is, you’re running from it and aren’t man enough to face…anything. You hide up here like a child hides under their covers, thinking that the world will never find you, but the world is all around you. You can’t escape it and the fact that you think you can, makes you even more pathetic.”

Johnathan didn’t move, and Jake sat between us, looking from one to the other with a sense of panic on his face. It was clear that he was upset the tension that was between us and he wanted to fix it.

Johnathan was quiet for a moment, but eventually sighed heavily, “Can we go back to the cabin? Please…I want to talk to you about this but I’d rather not talk about it here.”

I had given him the chance. He could’ve apologized. I might have even accepted him simply agreeing that I was right. However, he couldn’t even do that. He simply wanted me to come back with him.

“No, Johnathan. I’m not coming back with you. I’m done trying. I’m ready to…go back to my life, as you put it. Don’t try to stop me again. I’ve made my decision.”

With that, I turned around and started walking toward the direction I believed the rangers station was.

My plan was to reach the ranger’s station and get medical assistance there, in addition to transportation down the mountain.

Behind me, I heard huffing and aggravated moans coming from Johnathan. This was followed by a clapping of four paws, before Johnathan’s voice called Jake back and they both started to walk in the opposite direction.

When I finally felt it was safe to look back, without being caught, I saw that they had both disappeared back into the mountainous terrain and I was left alone.

Part of me was relieved, while part of me was even more hurt than before. I wasn’t sure what I had expected of him, but now that I had found out, I wasn’t sure if I should use this as fuel for another reason I should get away from him as quick as possible or respect him for doing as I had asked of him.

After all, he had come after me. I was the one who told him not to and I had meant it…I think.

Dragging myself out of the dredges of my own mind, I shook my head and started down the mountain again.

By now, my ankle was starting to hurt, though it wasn’t in horrible pain. It was more of a sharp stab that dulled as soon as the weight was lifted off it.

I grumbled with aggravation as I tried to force myself to press on. I told myself that it should only take a few hours to reach the ranger’s station and if I needed to, I could rest.

I realized there was danger all around, but I had intended on camping on the mountain anyway. Now, it would simply be a better indication of my skills. If I survived I did good, if I died, I told myself it wouldn’t matter anyway.

I tried to laugh at my joke, trying to keep my darker thoughts on the more lighthearted side, but it was far too close to home to be funny.

I wanted to believe that everything was going to be alright, but logic told me that the odds were largely against me.

There were plenty of able-bodied people who went into the mountains and never returned; I wasn’t sure how my bum leg and I were supposed to fair. One wrong step would send me hurtling to my doom.

I continued anyway and walked for what seemed like an eternity but was probably close to a few hours.

By this time, my ankle was on fire and my head was starting to pound. I didn’t have any water and I was starting to get extremely hungry.

Through my fit of anger, I hadn’t thought this out too well and it was about now that I was coming to this realization.

I stopped and sat on a log, trying to gather my thoughts and strength for the journey ahead.

Unfortunately, when I looked up in the sky, I was horrified to find that it was getting dark. I decided that my newfound fear had a lot to do with everything that had happened to me recently, but regardless of the reason, I was terrified of being alone.

I thought that perhaps, I had successfully cut off my nose to spite my face. As aggravating as being with Johnathan was, it was nowhere as terrible as being lost in the wilderness with no food, water, or foreseeable plan shelter.

At this moment, I realized that I thought I would be at the ranger’s station by dark. Being that I was so angry with Johnathan, I had convinced myself that his estimation of it being a day’s journey from the cabin was completely wrong.

Great! I thought, my wishful thinking is going to be what gets me killed.

I rolled my eyes, shaking the negative thought out of my head and tried to focus on a more positive use of my time.

Okay, it’s getting dark, so I need shelter… I thought, looking around, hoping to spot an unoccupied cave or otherwise useful natural structure etched into the mountain, since I didn’t have a tent and I was incapable of creating my own shelter in my condition.

Without my ankle, or the impending darkness, I probably would’ve had a shot, but with both components against me, I wasn’t that stubborn.

Sure, but you had to be that stubborn when you left the cabin! I chastised myself, growing even angrier and more upset when I didn’t see any shelter-like structure.

Damn… I thought, feeling a nervous knot forming in my stomach. I didn’t like the idea of being out here all by myself. I realized then that anything could happen to me and no one would even know.

Another thought also plagued me; my last known whereabouts were with Johnathan.

What if he is blamed for doing something to me? I knew it wouldn’t be hard for the tour guide to lie about what happened up on the mountain. Johnathan could get blamed for everything.

Johnathan’s haunting words played back in my head: “You’re up here, all alone, with only me and the dog, so it’s all well and good, but the moment you get back to your perfect suburbia, it isn’t the fucking guide that tried to rape you, it’s the goddamn mountain man that used you and betrayed you.”

As angry as I was at him, I certainly couldn’t let something like that happen to him. So, I decided that, for both my sake and Johnathan’s, I needed to keep going if I was ever going to make it to the ranger’s station.

So, I picked myself up and continued in the direction down the mountain, still holding out a sliver of hope that the station was closer than even I thought it was now.

Suddenly, though, I stopped, and my heart leapt with excitement. In the distance, a little way behind me, I could’ve sworn I heard Jake barking. I stopped to listen, but I didn’t hear it again.

I felt my heart drop as I dismissed the thought of being rescued, pressing forward, while I allowed my pride to get the better of me.

Chapter 14

Johnathan

Watching her hobble away from me, trying not to look as though she was in pain was one of the hardest things I had ever done.

The fact that I had also done it to myself didn’t help my guilt, but I was far too prideful to stop her.

Now, it was me, with my back stiffened and my posture tight, wishing I could go with her, but forcing myself to fight the urge.

I stared after her until she had nearly disappeared through the thicket.

I ground my teeth in anger and shook my head, calling Jake back immediately after he attempted to follow her when she disappeared.

“She doesn’t want us,” I insisted, knowing that I was only lumping myself in with Jake because I knew I couldn’t face the truth that I had completely driven her away. I was given multiple opportunities where I could’ve done things differently, but I always fell short.

So, instead of owning up to my mistakes, I stubbornly turned back toward the cabin. After all, I told myself, if she wants to try her luck in the mountains by herself, that’s her prerogative. I tried to convince myself that she should find the ranger’s station soon and then I won’t matter to her anymore, though I didn’t completely believe it. I figured eventually, I would be able to convince myself that this was for the best and I could get back to my life of solitude.

Yet, after walking a few paces in the direction of the cabin, Jake stopped abruptly and whined, as though he just realized where I was leading him.

“What?” I moaned, not wanting to have to handle a pigheaded dog in addition to all this other sit.

Nevertheless, Jake positioned himself stubbornly between the cabin and the direction that Carrie had taken.

“No,” I insisted, snapping my fingers, and motioning back toward the cabin, “Let’s go home.”

Jake didn’t move.

“Come, Jake!” I commanded, this time with a much more authoritative tone.

Jake whined and grumbled, stomping his feet as though he was a child having a temper tantrum, before whipping his head in Carrie’s direction.

“No. Come!” I yelled, which yielded the same result.

I groaned, now angry by his insubordination.

“The second she finds that station and makes it back to civilization, we’re both in her rear-view. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but her loyalty is like every other woman…Worthless,” I hissed angrily, though he is trying to convince himself of this, more than the dog.

Jake snorted impatiently.

“Okay, fine. We’ll stay here. You want to test me? Good. Great,” I retorted in a belligerent fashion, plopping down on the ground, trying to give Jake the impression that we were at an impasse and I wasn’t going to budge.

Jake lay down on the ground and whined staring at me with his huge, deep brown eyes.

“Don’t give me that look,” I hissed, “You’re being a jerk dog. Jerk dogs don’t get to look like that.”

The two of us stayed there, glaring at one another for a long while. Every time I tried to speak, Jake would moan and snort, generally having a tantrum.

A few times, I contemplated leaving his ass, but I didn’t because I knew he was right.

I shouldn’t have let her go out alone and every time he made a scene, I was reminded of how much of an asshole I was being.

As we were sitting there, I couldn’t help but be reminded of literally every bad thing that could happen to her while she was out there alone, and no one would ever know.

You know, if something does happen to her, it’s your fault. I thought at one time, with Jake’s piercing gaze only solidifying the thought.

What if the guide finds her, wandering all alone? Goddammit… I thought, as rage swelled inside of me, knowing again that it would be my fault for letting her go out all alone.

“She wanted me to leave her alone. She didn’t want me, and I don’t blame her,” I grumbled to Jake, “I was an ass. I wouldn’t even say those things to you and you don’t even understand me. Let’s face it, you wouldn’t want me going after you either if I acted like that.”

The dog simply whined his protest and continued to stare back at me, without blinking, just judging me and all my bad decisions.

“I know you like her, Jake, but you don’t seem to understand. Humans are innately flawed. That’s why I like you. You’re a dog. You are loyal to me and I am loyal to you.” I narrowed my eyes, “Which is why I’m out here this long, waiting for you to get off your lazy ass and come back home with me.”

The dog gave a small harrumph and whined but didn’t move.

Eventually, Jake’s guilting got the better of me. I kind of knew it would from the start and once I conceded, I was pissed that I had waited this long.

“Okay, fine. You win, you asshole. Go find Carrie,” I instructed and at the sound of her name, Jakes head popped up and his tongue fell out of his mouth with excitement.

“Yeah,” I insisted, throwing my hand in the right direction as I got to my feet, “Let’s go get her.”

With the confirmation that I was willing to go along with him, Jake leapt to his feet and took off in full-on sprint.

“Wait for me!” I yelled as I took off behind Jake.

Thankfully, for this situation, Jake is a loud and messy tracker. He barrels through the wilderness like a bull in a china shop, barking the whole way. This usually means that I can track him easily, even if I am far behind him.

The massive dog loves to run and is always extremely excited at the prospect of tearing through the woods.

He can be in the worst mood, but a run can make him feel better. Right now, I could tell that he needed to run; both to track and to relieve the stress that the fighting had placed on him.

For such a massive dog, he hated confrontation and right now, I could tell that he was really hurting.

That seemed to be my mantra lately and everyone I met was eager to inform me of that.

Between the two of us, it didn’t take us all that long to catch up with Carrie, considering she was slower due to her leg.

Jake caught up with her first but waited for me patiently.

When we found her, she was sitting on a log, looking around the clearing with a sense of distress.

I commanded Jake to keep his distance, as I didn’t want to argue with her anymore. I told myself that once we found her, I would ensure she was safe, without making myself known, unless I needed to.

However, now that I had found her, seeing the distress she was in, noticing that darkness was creeping in and knowing that she would never make it to the ranger’s station before dark, I immediately wondered if I should step in.

After all, she still is injured. I thought, trying to make a case that I could use to justify my actions, but regardless, my pride won’t grant me the satisfaction.

So, Jake and I remained in the shadows, hoping that she could figure out her own way.

Chapter 15

Carrie

I was seriously starting to freak out now. I had continued walking until I felt like my leg was going to fall off if I took another step and was no consumed by complete darkness.

I cursed myself, knowing that I had gotten turned around and I wasn’t even sure I was heading toward the station anymore.

While it was obviously down the mountain, the darkness made it easy to vary down the mountain in a completely different way, leading me even farther away from my destination.

Again, I rested on a nearby log I had to feel around to find. I knew that I should be getting firewood together to keep the animals away, since I had nothing to cook, but after trying my best to summon the energy, or the willpower, I concluded it was no use.

I tried to think of a way to ensure, if I kept walking, I would eventually find the ranger’s station, but the logical part of me told me that if I continued, I would certainly get lost.

Without food or water, I was running out of time. Every second counted and if I spent the energy I had left going in the wrong direction, it was almost inevitable that I would succumb to the elements.

Once again, I thought about what Johnathan had said and I wished I had never left that damn cabin.

With all these negative thoughts swirling around inside my brain, I shivered, realizing that even though it was still the tail-end of summer, the mountains grew extremely cold at night.

So, I thought about trying to start a fire, but the darkness of the surrounding woods was daunting and by this point, my ankle was pulsing, even while I was resting.

The pain was starting to intensify, sharply stabbing up my leg and I prayed I hadn’t reinjured it. I hoped to God that it was simply a matter of overworking the leg, because if I hurt if further, the pain would only intensify. This would slow me down more and I couldn’t survive that.

I heard cracks and the splintering of wood around me and I nearly jumped at every noise. Mentally, I was freaking out, trying to focus on the source of the sounds, though the darkness didn’t provide any answers.

“It’s just the noises of the wild,” I reminded myself, in hardly more than a whisper, in case I was wrong, and something was watching me. I swallowed hard, “Remember, you’re in the middle of the woods, on the side of a mountain, all by yourself, there are bound to be noises…” Again, I gulped. I had thought talking myself through the situation would make everything better but unfortunately, hearing the craziness of my situation spoken aloud made me feel exceptionally worse about my odds of survival.

I groaned, feeling defeat starting to encase me like the darkness and dropped my head into my hands.

Yet, as soon as I did this, I heard a noise in the woods that I couldn’t explain away by the wilderness. It sounded like footsteps.

Oh God… I thought, as my stomach dropped. The first thing I contemplated was what I would do if it was an animal, but the second possibility was even more horrifying. I froze and was nearly instantly brought to tears at the idea that the guide had found me. Oh God… I thought again as I bit my lip and hampered my breathing.

I listened for any other sounds, looking around for a weapon.

I couldn’t see anything and even if I did, it was idiotic to think that I would be able to fend off an attacker. Between my injured leg and malnourishment, I was as good as useless, which made me hope it was an animal that had found me.

At least if I was mauled to death, there was a possibility it would be quick. If the guide was stalking me, there’s no telling what he was planning to do with me and I had no interest in finding out.

By now, I was shaking but the cold had far less to do with my reaction than it did previously. Now, I was far more afraid than anything else, but knowing I couldn’t run, my curiosity got the best of me. I had to know who was out there as soon as possible, if only to ruin the consistent torment of the unknown.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” I called, as my voice cracked.

After speaking, I heard a rustle in the bushes and I braced myself for whatever or whoever was about to show themselves.

When the shadow of an animal leapt out of the bushes, I felt my heart drop. However, it didn’t take more than a second to hear a familiar bark, before feeling a wet tongue licking my face.

“Jake?” I asked, relieved as I hugged the dog close to me.

As I pet him, while my heart started to settle into a normal rhythm, he continued to kiss my face and snuggle against me, clearly happy to see me.

A few moments later, a familiar human voice broke through the silence of the mountainside.

“Jesus Christ, dogs never do what you tell them to do, especially this one,” Johnathan insisted as he walked through the bushes, holding a bundle of firewood in his arms.

My heart started to pound once again, but this time, it wasn’t from fear. I was relieved and excited to see Jonathan, thankful that he ended up following me. I wasn’t sure what I would’ve done if he had taken my word and decided not to follow me.

Although, I tried to pretend like I wasn’t happy to see him, since I still wasn’t particularly happy with him. Yet, I wasn’t going to be mean enough to make him go away…at least not until after he built a fire.

“So, you just couldn’t stay away, huh?” I asked snidely, crossing my arms over my chest. However, the attitude behind the motion was ruined completely when Jake’s nose nuzzled between my arms, uncrossing them instantly. “You know, I was doing fine without you.”

“No food, no water, no fucking fire? Yeah, Carrie, you’re a regular boyscout,” he insisted, without losing a bit of his sharp tongue and normal roughness.

“I was getting to it,” I answered, “I was just taking a break, that’s all.”

Dropping the firewood on the ground, he followed it and started to methodically set the wood alight.

“Well, you need to get on that, because if you don’t warm yourself soon, your skinny ass will freeze to death.”

“You have no right to talk about my ass, in any capacity,” I answered, half teasing him.

Johnathan wasn’t amused. I could nearly sense his eyes roll as he continued to work with the tinder.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you do realize that you are in the mountains, not the fucking coast and when you’re in a situation like this, you should put aside your pride and get help. Your pride doesn’t do shit for you if your dead,” he hissed.

“Yeah, well, look who’s talking, Mr. I’d rather be an asshole than have a normal conversation.”

“Well, this is one hell of a thanks for saving my ass,” he retorted as the flames of the growing fire started to lick around the tender. Carefully, Johnathan put the pieces of wood on the flames and watched them devour the smaller twigs almost instantly, before encompassing the whole structure of firewood he created.

“You’re the one who came in here and started doing stuff. I didn’t ask for your help and I don’t need your help,” I insisted and this time, due to the light the fire was giving off, I could see him roll his eyes as his head tilted back in annoyance, “Dammit, Cassie! Is thank you even in your vocabulary?”

“Not when I have no reason to say thank you. Just because you want to act like my knight in shining armor doesn’t mean you get to be it.”

At this, Johnathan laughed, but in a maniacal manner, “Yeah, sorry, but no. I’m no knight. I am…how did you put it before? Pitiful? A coward? A…child hiding under the covers?”

“Oh, so you were paying attention. That’s good to know.”

“I always pay attention, unlike you who seems to think with their stubbornness first and their brain after. Was it really so hard to stay with me? Was I that terrible of a host that you made me come out here and save you?”

Now, it was me who rolled my eyes, “God, Johnathan! It’s always about you, isn’t it? For a loner, you are one of the neediest people I have ever met. You always need to feel justified. Holy crap! You made a fire…do you want a medal? When we get back to civilization, I’ll find you a medal, alright?”

“Ha! Ha! Ha!” Johnathan barked, “If you didn’t need to keep score all the time, I wouldn’t need to remind you of how many times I’m the reason you’re not dead…Or worse.”

As we bantered, Johnathan continued to set up camp skillfully, ensuring that everything was safe, and we were able to even have some shelter.

I wasn’t going to tell him this, but I was impressed by his resourcefulness.

He was even able to find a source of water, which he offered to me first, before giving Jake some and going back to fill up himself.

I continually huffed and puffed as he moved around the campsite, ensuring everything was appropriate. I still wasn’t ready to forgive him for what he said, though I was happy he was here.

I wanted an apology, but I wasn’t sure I was going to get one, so I settled on allowing time to heal the hurt.

When he was finished, Johnathan came over to me and moved toward my leg, as though he wanted to check it but I roughly pulled it out of his grasp.

“I’m still angry with you!” I exclaimed, meeting his narrowed eyes with my angry gaze.

Immediately, he backed away from me and shrugged, “Fine,” he retorted, “But if it swells up and falls off, it’s not my fault.” He grumbled and griped for a moment, before he continued, “We’ll rest here for the night and we’ll carry on in the morning.”

Again, I rolled my eyes. “You’re not the boss of me. If I don’t want to leave, I’m not going to leave and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.”

I expected him to return some snide comment, but instead, he looked utterly surprised and kind of angry by the way I reacted.

I had kind of thought we had a thing going here, so I wasn’t sure what had changed. Either way, he was still in trouble for what he had said, so he wasn’t going to get off that easy, regardless of what he had done to help me. So, I stood my ground, staring him down as I awaited his answer.

“Okay, um…I realize that, but I think if you’d stop being so damn stubborn, you’d see that I have done everything to try to help you,” as he spoke this time, the roughness had seemed to ease a little leaving a soured tone, that seemed slightly put off. He spoke through gritted teeth as he forced himself to remain calm. “Look, I know I’m an asshole. I try my best to be an asshole. That is literally the only thing in this world that I have had all that much success in being, but I am not the monster you seem to think I am. Yes, I said what I said, and it was a dick thing to say, but don’t my actions account for anything?”

Could it be that he was actually trying to open up to me? I thought, now starting to feel bad for the way I had treated him. He was right. He had done everything he possibly could to keep me safe. He had gone above and beyond normal human decency, even risking his life to get me away from someone who really did want to do me harm.

However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was still abundantly hurt by what he had said to me earlier, so I tried to convince myself it didn’t matter. I still didn’t deserve to be treated this way and since he couldn’t even give me so much as an apology, I didn’t have to feel bad.

“You know,” I finally spoke, trying to explain myself without starting another round of hurtful insults, “You seem to have convinced yourself, for whatever reason, that the whole world is against you and there is nothing I can do to change that. The reason I am so angry and so hurt is because I care and what you say influences me.”

“Yeah, words have meaning, I get it,” he hissed snidely, “But being spiteful about it isn’t helping either of us.”

“I’m not being spiteful,” I insisted, trying my best to remain calm. “I’m being honest with you. This is my attempt at a normal conversation, between two adults. I tell you how I feel and you tell me how you feel. It’s effective, I promise.”

“Oh, for the love of God, forget it! I’m not a fucking cave man. Now, you’re just insulting my intelligence.”

“No, I’m not. You just seem to take everything I say the wrong way,” I insisted.

“I understand how human interaction works, and I understand the words coward, and pitiful and everything else you were saying to me back there in the cabin, so don’t you sit there and try to convince me that I was slinging insults at you without provocation. You got a few good below the belt hits in there too.”

“This isn’t about who insulted who better, Johnathan!”

“Then, what is it about? I’m not stupid. I know that I was an asshole. I told you that I know that and yet, you keep beating the same damn, dead horse we’ve been kicking around all day.”

“You haven’t once said you’re sorry,” I insisted, narrowing my eyes at him.

“Well, neither have you,” he replied.

I went to speak, but stopped short, causing a cruel sneer to curl around the corner of his mouth.

“Yeah, that’s because you’re not,” he insisted, before standing up and walking over to the other side of the camp. “Try to get some sleep, princess, because I’m going to the ranger’s station tomorrow, whether you’re with me or not.”

I huffed and narrowed my eyes. I was angry, more now because he had called me out and I couldn’t retort.

The reason that I hadn’t apologized was because I was trying to get him to admit something about himself. I was trying to get him to open up and I thought if I gave the truth a little extra-insolent flair, he might get fired up enough to abandon his resolve. I thought I might be able to break down his walls and make him see what I was trying to get him to tell me.

However, unfortunately, my idea had backfired.

“Hey! Wait a minute!” I called across the campsite, “Does that mean that you meant everything you said to me? I just thought you were trying to be hurtful.”

There was silence, at first, and I thought he was going to ignore me, but when he did respond, I couldn’t figure out exactly how he thought his answer would be the least bit helpful.

“I told you, Carrie, I’m an asshole.”

Yeah, I know that… I thought, but did you mean what you said?

Settling on the notion that was going to be his parting words to me that evening, I didn’t bother to respond. I simply huffed, loud enough so that he had a chance of hearing it and curled up on the bed of leaves, hoping to get some sleep.

Chapter 16

Johnathan

Hearing Carrie sigh from across the campsite made me wonder if she knew what I meant by my last comment.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to apologize, and I knew why she had said what she did. I knew that I had screwed up when I reacted to her true claims by trying to respond in an equally insulting way but tonight, I couldn’t bring myself to apologize.

After all, I wasn’t even sure if I should even try to make things right. I couldn’t imagine what good it would do.

In my experience, I’m sorry always led to something more and I wasn’t ready for any of that shit. I don’t know about most people, but I know that pouring my heart out to some stranger, only to have her leave wasn’t exactly the therapeutic outlet I needed; and that’s if I was even looking.

Right now, I didn’t want therapy. I didn’t even want to get better, because I figured the journey, if a better mental state was even possible, was going to be far more painful than simply cutting our losses.

Granted, for me, cutting losses meant everything, since she was the only human I had even considered wanting to get to know in a long time, but for her, it wasn’t all that bad. It was a mistake, at most. She could go back to her life and be perfectly fine. If I tried to be the sensitive, apologetic man she seemed to want, I felt I would be apologizing more than I would be doing anything else.

I didn’t want to hurt her. I simply wanted to part ways, before I ended up ruining her life.

However, as I lay across the campsite from her, I still couldn’t help the knowledge of how attracted I was to her. After everything that had happened, the allure I felt went far beyond the idea that I was still responsible for her, safety, or even that of her beauty. Of course, I wanted to see that she was safe, but I knew that I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to her.

I didn’t want to follow her today, because I didn’t want to be in her life anymore than I was already, but now that I had, I was glad to be here with her.

Even though we were arguing, and I was the one being stubborn, I was content, in a way. Whatever we had, being close to her, in any capacity felt right.

I liked doing things for her. As much as I complained and teased her about not making a camp for herself, I was pleased to have the excuse to make my presence known. I was happy to help her, and I wanted to always be the one to help her.

Yet, that intense sense of commitment to her was only a portion of what I was feeling. The other part of me still wanted to leave her as quickly as possible, though I know that I would never actually do it.

Even if I tried, apparently, Jake wouldn’t let me do it.

So, after heavily contemplating all of this, my mind wandered into the idea of what it will really mean when Carrie returns to her normal life.

Am I going to want to visit her? I thought. Am I going to yearn for her, like I do now? I contemplated, even though I knew it was best for me to stay away.

I also wondered if knowing that I was still capable of these feelings would change the way I felt about everyone else. Do I want to return to live a normal life? Should I try to move on, or would I just be setting myself up for failure?

Really, though, what do you have to lose? I thought, this time growing slightly annoyed. I roughly turned on my side, so that the fire, and the small outline of Carrie across the campsite was at my back. I didn’t want to look at her, because I didn’t want to be drawn in by her charm.

Why the hell does this woman make me want to be back in the society that I had completely, successfully disowned? I wondered, shutting my eyes tightly and grinding my teeth with aggravation.

Even though I thought about all of this for far too long, I was even more frustrated by the fact that I never was able to come up with an answer. I still couldn’t understand why this woman was so special to me, when I really didn’t know her much at all.

It was almost as though I was put under a spell that I both loved and hated. Perhaps it was what I needed, but maybe it was going to be the death of me.

I supposed that only time would tell, since I clearly wasn’t able to figure it out for myself.

For a long time, I tossed and turned, annoyed by the glow of the fire and the hardness of the ground, but kept awake by the racing of my thoughts.

However, eventually, I was finally able to fall asleep, thankfully allowing me to escape my thoughts and fall dreamlessly into a deep, encompassing slumber.

Chapter 17

Carrie

The following morning, I awoke, feeling eyes on me.

I tried to ignore it and turn over, but I continued to feel the eyes piercing into the back of my head.

Eventually, the feeling became too much. I groaned and rolled over. Johnathan was sitting there, staring at me, possibly watching me sleep. I wasn’t sure how I should feel about this, though I couldn’t help an initial sense of comfort flow over me.

While I was still curious as to why he was staring at me, I was pleased that he was there.

I started to grin at him but then, I remembered everything that transpired.

I narrowed my eyes and started to get up.

“Whoa, be careful. What are you doing?” He insisted.

“I’m sure you want to get a move on, so let’s go. The sooner we get to the ranger’s station, the sooner you can get me out of your hair.”

At first, Johnathan didn’t answer me, and I wasn’t sure why. After all, the night before, he had made it crystal clear that he was going whether I was ready to go or not. So, I was simply trying to comply, knowing that the sooner we were able to get going, the sooner I could return to civilization and put this whole experience behind me.

Still, it appeared he was searching through the insults I had flung at him to figure out an appropriate way to respond.

He wasn’t usually so careful with his words, so I was curious about what made him be so cautious now.

“Okay, so, I’m not good at this anyway, but you just made it a little harder. Thank you, very much. You seem to have a talent for that,” he hissed, but didn’t give me time to rebuke before he replied, “I’m trying to say, I’m sorry. You were right. I was out of line and I didn’t mean what I said. I was reacting to what you were telling me. I was angry that you had figured me out so easily, and because you were showing me a part of myself that I don’t like. I thought a lot about this last night and I figured that the decent thing to do would be to tell you the truth. If this is going to be the last time we see each other, I don’t want you to remember me as a total asshole.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I…Work really hard at being the right…a specific…You know what, never mind. Any way I say that is going to sound awful,” he insisted and this time, he let out a small chuckle that I believed might actually be genuine.

I grinned back at him, pleased that he was finally opening up to me. I was so excited, that the anger I felt dissipated completely.

“It’s okay. I forgive you…and I am sorry for giving you the truth in such a hurtful manner,” I answered in a slightly teasing voice.

“Well, that was probably the worst apology I’ve ever heard,” he answered, but continued to keep a small grin curled in the corner of his mouth, which made my heart flutter.

I giggled, “No, but seriously, I am sorry if I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention.”

“Yeah, I know,” he insisted, folding his hands together in a manner that made me feel as though he had more that he wanted to get off his chest.

I was cautious, not wanting to be too pushy, so I simply waited and listened, hoping that I came across as welcoming.

“The truth is…that I’m still not sure I should be telling you this…but here it goes. You are right. I have written off humanity, completely, for about five years now. I only go into town when I really need food, or when I am starting to get cabin fever. I was never much of a people person to begin with but after…an incident, my ability to cope was…bad. I was suicidal, anti-social and, just a burden on anyone who tried to help me. I would show up drunk to the friends that I still had and did a few…regrettable things in pursuit of closure. I never hurt anyone, or anything like that, but eventually, I decided that it was better for everyone if I wasn’t around anymore. Honestly, I’m too much of a coward to kill myself, besides, the dog needs me.”

At this, as though knowing he was being referred to, Jake groaned in his sleep and turned over, his large body thudding down on the ground, shaking it slightly.

“I’m sorry,” I answered quietly, carefully getting to my feet and hobbling over to sit beside him.

“Yeah, it sucked. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone. I chased away anyone who tried to visit me and eventually, people got the hint. I’m not hiding from anything, except maybe responsibility,” he chuckled, “But meeting you, it’s given me a new perspective. There is something about you that I can’t put out of my mind.”

“Awe,” I insisted, placing my hand overtop his as a smile overtook my features.

“No, please don’t be happy about that. It’s been a pain in the ass,” he insisted and then, quickly added, “Remember, I’m being honest here. I don’t want to lie to you.” With that, he pulled his hand out of my grasp and looked down, between his knees, as though he was truly ashamed of something, “You’re right. I have been trying to push you away and that is the reason I said those things to you. I’ve been trying to pick a fight with you, trying to get you out of my head.” At this, he looked at me through a sideways glance and let out a long breath, “I didn’t know how to handle these feelings. I thought that there was no way I could ever feel that way again and then, with you, it was just so damn easy. I wanted you from the first time I saw you, but it was more than just sexual…which was strange, because I didn’t even know you…Then, I got to know you a little better and there wasn’t anything that you did that turned me off…Trust me, I tried to find something, but even your honesty was a turn-on.” His shoulders rose and fell as he spoke, as though he wasn’t quite sure how to continue.

I didn’t want to interrupt him, but briefly wondered if he was looking for encouragement.

However, before I could think of anything I deemed appropriate to say, he started to speak again, “I mean, it’s weird to me, having someone give a shit about me. Most of my friends just eventually left me to my own devices, or would agree with me, trying to make me feel better. There wasn’t one person I knew who had the balls to tell me what they felt, how they perceived how I was acting, so I eventually didn’t want anything to do with any of them. I moved up here and things got better. I wasn’t so hateful. Then, the loneliness got to me and to combat that, I convinced myself that there was no way I would let anyone do anything like this to me again. So, I cut myself off from everyone I knew. Then, you came along and screwed it all up,” at that, he chuckled, and his eyes were alight with humor as they gazed at me.

I grinned, though I felt bad. I still didn’t know what it was that had made him feel this way, but I was certain this was a terrible way to live.

“I’m sorry…I think?” I replied, trying to add some lightheartedness to the conversation.

“No, I guess, ultimately it was good, because it made me face a lot of shit. I mean, Jake is a good dog, but…”

“He’s a dog?”

“Yeah, so he was pretty much just as complacent as everyone else…However, not when it came to you. He immediately liked you.”

“Well, the feeling is mutual.” I exclaimed as my eyes wandered over to Jake, who was now asleep on his back, with his paws up in the air, looking like he was dreaming about running. I looked back at Johnathan, now with amorous, hopefully encouraging intent and replied in a playfully teasing manner, “You, on the other hand, I still think I need to warm up to you.”

He laughed, “Good luck. Not even I’ve managed to do that yet.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes, now growing a little more serious with him, “Well, the first thing you need to do is start to trust yourself. If you put too much trust in other people, you’re bound to get let down more often than anything else.”

“Considering I’m a grown-ass man who became a mountain man because I didn’t want to deal with my problems, tells me that my own personality is a little shaky,” he replied with a serious note to his jibe.

“Sometimes people need to get away,” I insisted, “I mean, there was nothing wrong with my life and I came here to get away. If something detrimental happened to me, there’s a possibility I would come up here.”

“Yeah, I chose here because of the cabin. My grandfather left it to me. I would use it to fish, but when I decided to fall off the map, I decided it was the perfect place to land.”

“For being a fishing cabin, it is extremely homey,” I admitted, “Very quiet and comforting.”

“I agree. It’s the last thing I have that connects me to my family.”

“What about your parents?”

“I haven’t spoken to them in a long time,” he admitted, “I don’t know what they think about me. They might even think I’m dead.”

“Well, that’s a terrible thing to make them believe.”

He shrugged, “I didn’t tell them that and it wasn’t like they were a beacon of support…I was kinda the black sheep of the family. Not that I ever did anything wrong, I just did things my own way, so they distanced themselves from me. Bad for their image.”

“Oh…” I answered, unsure exactly what that meant, but I figured if it was important, he would enlighten me. “That’s sad.”

“It is what it is. I went to them for help, they told me to fuck off…Not in so many words, but that was the bush they were beating around.”

“Wow,” I thought aloud, “My parents and I have had our differences, but if I ever needed anything…”

“Yeah, my brother could go to my parents with a body in his trunk and they’d help him hide it…Probably take the secret to their grave, but me, I was always considered a liability.”

“I’m sorry,” I admitted, “That can’t be easy.”

“Eh, it was fine. You learn to deal with that kind of shit. At least my parents were honest about who they were. They always treated me like crap,” he chuckled slightly, but it was a humorless laugh, that made me sad for him.

“Listen, I know I was kind of joking around before, but I am really sorry for what I said and how I said it. I was trying to help, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Trust me, you didn’t,” he insisted, “I was just bitching because I didn’t want to hear what you were telling me. I hated that you were right. That’s all it was.”

“Well, then I’m sorry for going to bed angry. I know, in your own way, you were trying to apologize, and I completely shut you down.”

Johnathan snickers at this and reminded me, “You know, we aren’t an old married couple, so shit like that doesn’t matter…” As he spoke, however, his voice softened, and he added, “Not yet, anyway.”

I felt my stomach do summersaults as I laid my head on his shoulder in response. Carefully, I laced my fingers in his, holding his hand tightly as I asked, “Johnathan, is there anything I can do to prove to you that I do, genuinely care about you?”

“I’m starting to believe it,” he admitted, “But unfortunately, there really isn’t anything that anyone can do. I mean, I’m willing to give it a shot, which is a big step for me, giving you, or anyone the benefit of the doubt, but ultimately, time is all that will help make me certain of your intentions.”

At first, I felt as though we were making progress, but when he slid his hand out of mine again and sighed, I could tell there was something more that he wasn’t saying.

“Okay,” I insisted, “what is the problem, then?”

“While I can give you credit on some levels, I’m not sure I am willing to invest the amount of time, since I’ve done that already…but that’s also the only source of proof.”

“That isn’t fair, Johnathan,” I answered, turning toward him now, feeling frustrated by his stonewalling me.

“I understand that,” he explained, raising his shoulders in a manner that showed me he was just as frustrated at the situation as I was. “Like I said, I’m trying to be honest.”

“Yes, but if you really want this to work, you must give me something to work towards, to work with,” I let out a calming breath and grasped his hand with both of mine, “I am willing to put in the time. I can be patient with you. I just need you to be willing to do the same for me, or it isn’t going to work.”

“Then, maybe it shouldn’t work,” he answered in a finalizing manner that annoyed me.

“If you feel that way, why did you tell me all of this?” I inquired, feeling as though we had taken far more than simply two steps back in our progress.

“Because, I want you to understand.”

“Why? If you don’t think it’s going to work, if you’re not even willing to try it, why even waste the time telling me any of this?”

“Can you tell me it’s going to work?”

“What?” I asked, not completely sure if he was actually asking me a question or speaking rhetorically.

“If we gave this a shot, could you tell me with absolute certainty that we were going to work?”

I narrowed my eyes, slightly confused by what he was trying to ask me, although I answered his question honestly, “Of course not. Nobody can say whether it’s gong to work or not, but you also can’t tell me for certainty that it isn’t going to work, unless we don’t even bother trying.”

“You’re right, but why try if there’s a possibility it’s going to fail?”

“Why not try, when the alternative is absolute failure.”

“Because what could’ve been is a lot easier to deal with then certain failure,” he answered honestly.

I drew a deep breath out, pitying him for what he was telling me, “If you truly believe that, then I can’t help you. For your sake, I hope I’m not the right one, and there is someone out there that will make you want to try it, but right now, here, with you, I am willing to take the risk.”

“What happens when you go back to your normal life?” Johnathan retorted.

“We will adapt. I will visit on weekends and maybe, you will want to come visit me,” I grinned with encouragement.

“You wouldn’t want that,” he scowled.

“Actually, I would,” I answered, reaching up to kiss him, hoping that the moment I felt we were sharing was the same for both of us, but it must not have been as strong, if there at all for Johnathan, because he pulled back.

When I opened my eyes and looked at him, he seemed apologetic, but he didn’t offer any kind of explanation.

So, I was prompted to pry, so that I could understand him.

“Johnathan, please tell me what happened to you. Why did you decide to live your life up here all alone? And, why am I being punished for someone else’s actions?”

“First of all, it’s not you,” he answered, almost immediately, but didn’t give any further response.

“Okay,” I answered, this time insinuating that I would like more of an answer then the copout he had tried to give me.

Johnathan hesitated, notably thinking about what to say next. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to give me another line, or if he was trying to figure out how to answer my questions, but I waited patiently to find out.

Eventually, he started to tell me, and I could tell this wasn’t easy for him.

“Her name is Sarah…We met at work. I worked in a bank and she was a client. I had what I thought to be one of the most boring jobs in the world and she traveled the world. She would come into the bank a lot and talk to me, because with all her trips, she needed to make sure her affairs were in order. She never wanted to run out of money while she was overseas, so she asked for budgeting and currency-exchange tips. She was a client for a few years at the bank and she would always look for me when she came in,” he grinned, “It was nice…and eventually, we started to talk about things that were not related to her finances. Eventually, I asked her on a date. One thing led to another and we lived together for five years. I proposed, she said yes. I knew that she was a wild girl, with an adventurous soul, but I trusted her. We were set to be married in a month. Everything was set. Hell, even Jake was supposed to be in the wedding. I couldn’t wait, and I had no idea that there was anything wrong. Then, one morning, she woke up and announced she was leaving me. She didn’t give me a reason, except that she didn’t want to get married. She didn’t want to be tied down. I was desperate. I told her that we could work on us, that we didn’t have to get married, that she could have all the time she needed.” He stopped, as his jaw tightened, and his eyes assured me that he was somewhere far away.

“Oh, God…” I replied, gingerly putting a hand on his arm, which he abruptly removed.

“Carrie,” he insisted, his eyes now piercing into mine with the serious nature of his expression, “When I tell you, I did everything I possibly could to get her to stay…I begged her not to leave. It really was pathetic…especially because my attempts to get her to at least talk to me didn’t seem to affect her at all. She left, and I was devastated. However, to add insult to injury, a few days after the breakup, or I guess, dumping, would be the more appropriate term, I was having a few drinks with my buddy, and he let it slip that it was probably for the best, since she wasn’t faithful to me. I was still in that denial stage, so I was ready to fight him, defend her honor and all that, when he confessed that he thought I knew. I demanded to know what he thought I knew, exactly and he told me that Sarah had slept around on me for years…She had even slept with the guy I was drinking with…and he was supposed to be my best friend.”

“Oh my God,” I exclaimed, “I couldn’t imagine what I would do in that situation.”

“At the time neither could I. Of course, when I finally believed what he was saying, I wanted to beat the living shit out of him, but he left, and I let him go. I talked to some of my other friends after that, trying to piece together some kind of a timeline and they all had similar stories.”

“What?” I exclaimed, unable to imagine sleeping around with one person, much less nearly all my friends.

“Yeah!” He replied with a hollow laugh, “It still doesn’t even seem real to me. I was so angry and the last thing I wanted to do was find more people, but before I could stop, I was asking another one of them, who eventually either told me, or led me to believe that they were with her too. It got to the point where I was convinced she was sleeping with my friends more than she was sleeping with me. I was devastated. I wanted to confront her about all of it, but I couldn’t find her. She wouldn’t return my phone calls and her friends refused to tell me anything about her whereabouts. It was awful. They made me feel like an abusive asshole, just because I wanted answers…” He huffed and shook his head.

“I’m sorry…” I insisted, “But, surely there was one friend?”

“Yeah, there was. Except, what he told me, was even worse news. I asked him straight out, as I had asked everyone else if he had slept with Sarah…He told me that he hadn’t, and I believed him, but he was one of those guys that was never good at hiding anything, so ironically, most of us didn’t trust him all that much. He was a nervous guy and after this conversation, I remembered that he was particularly nervous around me, and had been for a long time. I always thought it was odd, but like I said, he was a weird dude…But he told me, that not only had he not slept with her, he had to refuse her…Multiple times. Apparently, she was on a mission to sleep with every one of my friends. I wasn’t sure why she needed to accomplish this, but after all the shit I’d heard recently about her, I would just about believe anything.”

“You know, people aren’t all like that,” I told him, trying to be comforting, but unsure if I had actually managed to hit the mark.

“Yeah, I know. I mean, I want to believe that, but that’s not even where the story ends. So, I go to my parent’s house for dinner one night and she fucking shows up! She makes a big scene in front of my folks and my brother, who for some reason completely hates me…So, I figure, I don’t want to deal with this, so I leave. I go to the bar, then, at around ten-thirty, the cops show up at the bar. They arrest me. Now, I’m plastered as fuck, so I’m not even sure if this is real, a dream, or what. However, I get booked, on God knows what and get thrown in a cell. The next morning, I wake up with the worst hangover ever and a charge against me for assault. Apparently, after I left my parent’s house, she stormed out and made it look like I had beat the shit out of her. She slashed her own tires, punched herself, broke a few ribs and did whatever she could, to make me look like the biggest piece of shit walking.”

“What? Why?”

He shrugged, “I dunno. She was the one who wanted to leave, it wasn’t like I had money…She wasn’t going to get anything, even if she successfully sued. I’m not sure what her plan was. Fortunately, the charges didn’t stick, but that was only because I got lucky and got an officer who was willing to check out what was going on. During the investigation, we found out that I wasn’t the first guy she had tried to do this to. She apparently had done it twice before and taken the poor bastards for everything they had. The first time, generally, it’s an open and shut case. The second time, it’s suspicious, but the third time, it seems she pushed her luck just a little too far. So, the charges were dropped, and I was let go, but during the process, I had called my parents, thinking that they could at least attest to my story, that I was there and left, before she even left their house, but they were no help whatsoever. They were embarrassed by the whole thing and told me that was what I got for sleeping around with a whore. They actually told me that I deserved it. They refused to say anything at all to the police and pretty much washed their hands of me.”

Again, he shook his head and I placed my hand on his back, trying to be comforting.

“It’s weird. I lived with this woman and I was so blinded by…love, lust, or whatever, that I didn’t see the person she truly was. The person I thought I loved, didn’t even exist…At least, not really. I don’t know if she was on some kind of revenge kick, power trip, or what happened to her, to make her act that way and do those things, but it completely shattered me. I couldn’t trust anyone ever again.”

“Well, I can definitely understand why…” I shook my head as his words sunk in, “God, Johnathan, I couldn’t imagine…Losing everyone you cared about…”

“No, not losing them, realizing that I never had them to begin with, and that they never gave a shit about me. Everyone I know was gone, just like that…Except for that one guy. Tom. I tried to keep a friendship with him, after cutting everyone else out of my life. However, every time I saw him, or anyone, I would just get angry. I started drinking heavily, which was stupid. I went to work drunk on more than one occasion, because I couldn’t sit in my cubicle and conduct business sober, knowing that this was where we met. Then, one day, she came into my bank and made a big deal. Security was called, she was escorted out and I left. I never went back and that was the day I decided that I was done. I packed what little shit I cared about, took Jake and moved out here. Tom came to see me a few times, but I couldn’t even manage to be civil with him, so eventually, he stopped coming. I didn’t blame him, but I was upset by being alone. I continued to drink, until I realized that I needed to save my money. So, I started to do odd jobs on the mountain for people. I never worked for the same person twice though and eventually learned to pretty much live off the land. I get most of my meat in town, but everything else, I grow, catch, or make. It’s ben a long time since I even had a visitor, much less someone I could actually talk to.”

I grinned encouragingly at him, wrapping my arms around him for support.

“I can’t begin to express how sorry I am. That’s a terrible way to have to live,” I replied.

“It’s actually not as bad as I think I’m making it sound, but it does get kind of lonely. I mean, while I don’t want to put my trust in anyone again, it’s hard not to miss being around people sometimes. I mean, Jake is a great companion, but there’s only so many times you can talk to the dog before you start to feel crazy.”

“I get that,” I answered, but didn’t elaborate. There were things about this very mountain that made me feel similar to the situation Johnathan was describing. However, at least he was talking about a dog. Still, I didn’t elaborate, and Johnathan didn’t ask. I was thankful.

For as open as I was about my life and as willing as I felt to allow Johnathan to get to know me, there was something about that conversation that was still off limits in my mind.

We were quiet for a long while. I placed my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes and breathing in the scent of him.

Soon, though, I felt eyes, staring at me.

At first, I tried to ignore the gaze, knowing that it was Johnathan, but eventually, the feeling was too substantial, and I was forced to open my eyes.

When I did, I saw that Johnathan was close to my face, grinning in a strange manner. It was a sad smile, that accompanied dark eyes. The light in his gaze was completely lost to his memory, but there was still a slightly hopeful vibe coming from somewhere deep inside his expression.

“Thank you,” he insisted, and I returned a beam of acknowledgement.

“For what?” I asked, turning my head in an effort to be consoling and attentive.

“For putting up with me. If I were you, I would’ve killed me by now. I can be a real pain in the ass,” he answered in a slightly humored way.

“I still owe you my life,” I responded, half teasing, “So, that buys you some time.”

“You’re beautiful,” he insisted, catching me off guard, “And I am such a fucking fool.”

With that, he pressed his lips against mine, as his arms wound around me, bringing him close to me.

Immediately, I reciprocated the kiss, weaving my hands through his hair and pulling him close to me.

The taste of him was refreshing and despite my fatigue, his kiss was inspiring and renewing.

All I wanted at that moment was to be closer to him, to feel him and to have a similar experience here, in the woods, that we had in the cabin.

I didn’t worry about being seen by anyone and I wasn’t even thinking about the threat that the psycho guide might still pose.

Within the moment we kissed, all my worries melted away. I was no longer concerned with the state of my injuries or, anything about the world that did not have to do with Johnathan and I, sharing this moment.

His tongue was naughty and easily thrust into my mouth, winding its way around in a caressing, yet seductive manner; as though it promised what the rest of him intended to do to me. This caused my heart to race and the sensitivity of my nerves to escalate with anticipation.

If this was going to morph into an experience I would never forget, I didn’t want to miss a second of it.

Unsure of how days, or even moments would go, considering our mutual baggage and the looming threat of parting ways, potentially forever, I wanted to take advantage of every opportunity to make a memory with him.

I had learned a long time ago to hold onto the good things and learn from the challenges.

While Johnathan’s fickle ideas about us being together were frustrating, when he was aligned with my ideals, there was no point in sabotaging the moment. I would rather simply enjoy it.

After all, the pain was going to come, if it was meant to be anyway, so I figured there was no sense in dwelling on it.

If Johnathan wanted to be romantic, I wasn’t going to stop him.

I even held out hope that something inside would finally click, and he would start to see things the way I did. I wanted him badly, so any continuing affection kept me hoping that it might last.

“God, I am so sorry for being such a jackass,” he muttered through panting breaths, breaking away for only the moment it took for him to speak.

“Shut up,” I responded, reclaiming his mouth again.

I heard him chuckle behind my lips as his fingertips ran gently through my hair, taking care to avoid the bandage that still wrapped around my head.

I felt overwhelmed with emotion as my body began to buzz with fervor.

Between Johnathan’s natural, alluring scent and the freeing, fresh air that was inherent in the mountains, flowing all around us in the wilderness, I felt spritely.

Strangely enough, I had never thought much about making love outside, as I usually wasn’t that kind of person. I felt that sex should be a personal experience, rather than a rebellious endeavor.

However, as Johnathan started to slide my shirt off my shoulders and urge my nakedness, I didn’t care about anything, other than being with him.

Ravenously, we pawed at one another, removing one another’s clothing hastily, eager to unwrap the gift of one another.

When Johnathan’s chest was revealed to me, I pressed him down, so that his back was against the dirt. I drug my fingers lightly down his robust chest, gliding over his abdomen and finally, picking teasingly at the waistband of his jeans.

He growled in response as our visceral reactions started to control the desires of our flesh.

We were hungry for one another and the arguing we had done previously, contending with the emotion we had both displayed within the past few days was brooding.

It was obvious that we both felt an intense surge of need, transpiring through our bodies. We wanted to leave the world behind and revel in the oneness of one another.

Our hearts and souls called out to each other, even though we had fought and even though there was so much left unsaid between us, words were useless to us now.

I ducked down, seductively surrounding the epicenter of his manhood, while my fingers traced the jeans with a tantalizing slowness. I wanted him to feel an intense sense of longing. I wanted to torment him like he was so fond of tormenting me.

After playing with the jeans for a moment, my hand covered the bulge, which I knew was waiting to be revealed.

I looked up and grinned at him, in a seductive, yet teasing manner as I kneaded him, leaving the pants in between our touch.

As I moved, I slid down, pressing myself against his leg.

Again, I looked up at him, before carefully, I unhinged his pants, finally unveiling his already starkly enthusiastic member.

My body shook as I gazed upon it, instantaneously yearning for it to be inside of me.

Even though it hadn’t been all that long, I had missed him and from the eagerness of his physique, regardless of what Johnathan said, he missed me as well.

Tossing the jeans to the side, I glided myself up and eased myself toward him. I stroked my womanliness, which was already moist and waiting for his entry, up his manliness, before swinging back down.

Straddling him, I clasped my fingers around him and started to stroke, easily and with a slow precision, so that he felt every bit of my movements.

He grinned, leaning his head back and enjoying the foreplay, as I took my thumb and ran it over the tip of his manliness.

Even though he didn’t say anything, I felt his body jerk in reaction and so, I continued to tease him by tugging and stroking him, until I started to feel a need.

At first, it was fun, but eventually, I wanted to be the one, feeling the slow, intricate movements I was creating with my hand.

So, I repositioned myself carefully and after a few strokes, warming my intentions, I inserted him inside me.

I heard Johnathan gasp as I eased down, before pulling up and then returning, in the same slow, tantalizing motion that I had started with.

I closed my eyes, pleased to feel him filling me as every movement pressed deeper inside me.

I groaned as he became slick and my body insisted that I go faster. I swallowed hard and eased myself up, pressing my breasts against him.

Johnathan reacted by grasping each of my breasts and kneading them with just the right amount of force.

I closed my eyes and sat up, focusing on thrusting myself up and down, trying to hold the advancing astonishment of climaxing off as much as I possibly could.

I was enjoying this immensely. Not only did Johnathan make my entire body feel free, the openness of our surrounding, the scent of the earth and the raw feel of it beneath us was invigorating.

It almost felt as though I was becoming one with the earth, as well as with Johnathan.

Laying closer to him, I dragged my fingers across the dirt, trying to stave off the ultimate finally, leaving deep, raked ridges in the ground.

Surprised by my own display of excitement, I was encouraged to continue.

When I reached myself back up and returned to the hasty movement, I felt Johnathan grab one of my breasts, trapping my already hyper-sensitive nipple between his finger and thumb.

Looking at him, he was sure to make eye-contact with me, before he smirked and rolled the bead lightly between his fingers.

I screamed out, trying to pull back, as a surprising sensation coursed through me.

However, between the hold Jonathan had on me and the connection we shared, I was unable to get away.

Pulling me closer to his level, Johnathan took the breast into his mouth and suckled on it, while his tongue flicked and prodded, it, before he started to tease the other.

I yelled out again and started to thrash back and forth. I felt him, vibrating inside of me each time I moved, which caused me to catapult toward ultimate invigoration.

Going back and forth with such fervor eventually caused Johnathan to simply grasp my breasts and play with them as his member started to thrust with excitement as well.

Once the mutual ambrosia entranced us, we were focusing more on our rising pinnacle of success, far more than teasing foreplay.

We moved back and forth with ease, thrashing our bodies around in the dirt, without a care as to what was happening.

At that point, between our intense need, our heightened heartrates, and our heavy breathing, we didn’t focus on anything other than keeping one another satisfied.

Finally, an explosion erupted inside of me at the same time I felt Johnathan insert his love into me.

Climaxing together, we were both completely enraptured in the moment.

This was the most freeing feeling I ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

My only hope now was that it wasn’t all going to come to an abrupt end, once we hit the ranger’s station.

However, as my consciousness disembarked from the trip of pure ambrosia-fueled euphoria, I refused to focus on that.

Instead, I chose to focus on the moment I was living in; the excitement I was privy to and the freedom that I was awarded.

I wasn’t sure if I would ever get the chance to feel this way again, so I was going to enjoy every second of it for as long as it lasted.

Chapter 18

Johnathan

Afterwards, I found myself in a similar position to the first day that we had made love. While I was even more content by the outcome, I was unsure of how all of it had transpired. I was confused and somewhat disappointed in myself.

I felt vulnerable, now that she knew the shitstorm that is my life, I wasn’t sure how I should react.

Some of me was happier than I had felt in a long time, but most of what I was feeling was anger.

I wasn’t guilty anymore, but I did feel as though I betrayed my own convictions. I was enraged by the idea that I had allowed myself to get emotionally involved.

After what we had talked about and everything that had happened, I had tried to be positive, but once the excitement stopped and I was left alone with my thoughts, the darkness of my past life was able to creep back in.

She doesn’t really want you. I told myself. She’s stuck with you right now. That’s the only reason she is trying to be nice to you. She is going to end up just like Sarah, if you aren’t careful. You need to end this, now, before it kills you.

Although, there was still a sense of trust in Carrie, that I had, though I wasn’t sure where it came from. I figured it had something to do with her honesty toward me and her willingness to call me out on my mistakes, instead of feigning happiness, when she was really planning to leave me, tear my heart out and stomp on it.

Yet, even with her apparent honesty, there was no absolute way that I could be sure she wasn’t going to destroy me.

All you have left is Jake and Jake likes Carrie. If she takes him away from you, what purpose will you have to live? I thought, knowing that was the only thing of value she could take from me now. She could put me in jail, I supposed, but what would hurt most about that was leaving my dog behind.

Therefore, I decided that he was the only reason I still had any care for keeping my freedom and my sanity. However, I did still want to keep it, and so I decided that if I didn’t want to risk the little that I was able to salvage from my first catastrophic relationship, I needed to get away from this relationship before it swallowed me too.

Although, after contemplating everything that had happened the night before and how good it felt to talk to someone about my life, I knew it was going to be even harder to let her go.

I ground my teeth, my jaw locking, as I tried to fight the urge to go back on my word. I had told her that I would try, and I owed her that; especially after everything she had put up with from me. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to revert to my old ways, but I was finding it difficult to press forward. Every time I thought about keeping my word to Carrie, genuinely trying to keep it all together, I would feel an empty, sinking feeling in my gut and I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. I wanted to, God I wanted to. I felt that if I could only break this cycle of guilt and distrust, I would be open to a host of different possibilities but as much as I tried, as much as I wanted to let go of the past, it continued to haunt me.

Thoughts of what could happen assaulted my mind.

Talking to Carrie about my past had helped me in one respect, being able to get it off my chest. Having someone who was willing to listen, who didn’t have another bombshell to drop on me, was something I hadn’t experienced before. Every other time I had attempted to relay the story, another piece of information was revealed, that plagued me. At best, I was fighting to keep my freedom, after learning of another bombshell the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had dropped on my life. So, having the conversation end the way it did, with sex that didn’t end with me getting stabbed at the back, was nice.

However, it had dredged up a lot of feelings. It had reminded me of unpleasant situations that I hadn’t wanted to think about in a very long time.

Flashbacks of being arrested, being drug out of the bar, without having any idea what was going on, was now fresh in my mind. Granted, the enormity of the situation was partially due to shock and partially due to intoxication, but that didn’t change the memory. It was still a pretty shitty thing to have happened and I never wanted to be in a similar situation ever again.

Without Carrie in my life, I could almost guarantee that I was never going to have to deal with anyone ever again, which meant my trust wasn’t going to be tested. I would never have to worry about what she was doing, or what she was planning.

However, without her, I also would likely never be happy.

I had a feeling that if I didn’t try to invest my trust in Carrie, I likely wouldn’t ever trust anyone and therefore, I would never give myself a reason to be happy.

After all, Carrie was right. I hated living out in the cabin all by myself. It was lonely and dark. It drove me crazy at times and I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to take it.

However, even with everything I had convincing me that there was something better, something to fight for, for the first time in a while, I still couldn’t bring myself to take that leap.

Before I knew it, I was reverting to my old ways. I hated it, but I also couldn’t stop myself. For my own sense of sanity, I felt that this was what I needed to do.

Hastily, I untangled myself from Carrie’s grasp and as she stirred, I told her, “Come on, Carrie. It’s time to get up. We have to go now if you want to make it back to civilization before dark.”

“Umm…Okay…” Carrie replied, rubbing her eyes, and trying to ward off the sleep that plagued her. She seemed confused, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her confusion. I simply wanted to get the hell out of there as quickly as I possibly could.

I had made my decision and I wanted to act on it before I lost my nerve.

“Johnathan, can we maybe talk about this for a minute…Is there something wrong?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. There’s nothing wrong. I just want to get you to the ranger’s station before dark. It’s simple survival.”

Instantly, Carrie’s eyes narrowed, and she seemed upset with what I was telling her.

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to get rid of me?” She asked, getting to her feet as she glared at me.

“Uh, honestly? Because I am,” I replied, knowing that I was being an ass again, but I tried not to care.

“At least you’re being honest…” Carrie answered in a small, sad voice.

Strangely, she didn’t seem angry anymore. She simply seemed sad and disappointed. I would’ve preferred that she was angry.

At least if she was angry, I could defend what I was doing.

“Listen, Carrie, it’s nothing personal,” I insisted, trying to get her to answer me.

“Oh, I know,” she replied as she gathered up her things and turned her back to me. “It never is. It’s all about you and your need to be a stoic loner.

“It has to be this way…” I insisted, following after her, “I’m not trying to hurt you, Carrie…”

“I know. It’s okay,” she replied, without turning around.

Her complacency bothered me. So, I ran up to her and placed my hand lightly on her shoulder. She shrugged it off, “It’s fine.”

“Listen, Carrie, I want you to understand.”

“I do,” she answered quietly, without turning around. “You have done this to me enough already, I should expect it. I know that you’re hurting, and you might even be confused, feeling trapped, I’m not exactly sure what. However, the pattern is evident.”

“Pattern?” I scoffed.

“Yes. We have sex, you enjoy it, then you get into your head and convince yourself that this isn’t right. For whatever reason, you’re opposed to being happy and I know that’s not my fault.”

“You’re right,” I conceded, “Nothing is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just, I’ve been thinking a lot…I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m really just trying to do what I think is best for us both. I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to save you.”

“No, you’re trying to save yourself. You have built walls that you think are insurmountable, so you discourage everyone who tries to help you escape those walls…But one day, the barriers that you have built are going to cave inwards and if you are still in the middle, stubbornly catapulting any help away, you’re going to be buried beneath them.”

“How do you know that?” I hissed, angered by the possibility that my situation could get worse. Briefly, selfishly, I wondered if that was the reason that I hadn’t swallowed a bullet yet, but countered my own morbid fears with anger, directed at Carrie. “You think that you’re so smart, because you can pick people apart and tell them exactly what they don’t wan to hear, just so you can get your way?”

“What?” Carrie retorted, “Johnathan, I’m trying to help you. I don’t want you to get hurt. I want you to find some semblance of happiness before you completely shut yourself off from the rest of the world.”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want help? Maybe I was doing just fine before you came into my life?”

At this, she tilted her head, but didn’t respond. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and shrugged her shoulders.

Her lack of bantering bothered me slightly, so I backed off, considering she was right. If I was going to push her away, without feeling absolutely terrible about it for the rest of my life, I needed her to answer me. “I mean, maybe you’re right. There’s a good chance that I have no idea what I’m talking about, but you see, I’m not ready to take that chance.”

She bobbed her head up and down in a nod, though there wasn’t any conviction behind it.

“I wish I was. I wish I could just be happy-go-fucking-lucky like you. I wish I could bounce back from all the shit you’ve been through and preserver…I actually admire that, but I can’t. I’ve tried.”

Again, she nodded and I started to feel as though she wasn’t even listening to me anymore.

“I feel like you don’t understand, or you think that I’m lying to you. Do you at least have some understanding of what I’m trying to tell you?”

Again, she made the agreeing motion, that was devoid of an ounce of principle. It almost seemed that she simply wanted me to stop talking, so she was feigning agreement so that she wouldn’t have to have this conversation anymore.

This made me feel like crap, but instead of trying to fix the issue, I did what I apparently was best at and continued to dig myself into a bigger hole.

“Are you going to speak to me, or just agree with me?” I retorted in an angry tone.

At this, Carrie sighed and raised her eyes to me, turning her head only enough so that she could see me. Speaking softly, she finally gave me her genuine opinion, “Johnathan, there is only so much someone can take before they know that they cannot make someone understand their point of view, or in this case, I can’t make you trust me. I thought that yesterday, we had made strides toward you trusting me. You told me everything and we ended up having a great night. I thought things were going well, but now, to wake up to the same old guilt, and unspoken accusations, I realize that you can’t keep your word. You can’t bring yourself to trust me. of course, I’m upset and disappointed, but I don’t blame you. How could I? Knowing what you’ve been through, your reaction tells me that you aren’t ready and that’s okay. I just hope I helped you a little bit.”

I backed away slightly, as her honesty again cut deep. She wasn’t insulting, but what she said and how she put her response caused me to feel like a total dick.

“I’m sorry,” I answered finally, unable to figure out anything else to say that would assuage her feelings. “I don’t want it this way. I just can’t do this. I can’t help it.”

“Just like you don’t want my pity, or my help, I don’t need yours. If you want to help me get back to the ranger’s station, that would be great, but don’t feel obligated.”

“No, I’m going to help you, that’s not what this is about. I just…”

“You want me out of your life. I get it,” she answered, then started in the opposite direction, leaving me speechless.

“No…” I insisted, though I didn’t go after her. I wanted to catch up to her and I wanted, at least for the moment, to lie and tell her that she was wrong.

I yearned for her to be wrong, but the fact that she wasn’t wrong cut me even deeper.

At that moment, I wished I was stronger. I wished I could put myself out there and be the man she deserved, instead of the jerk she was stuck with.

Deep down, I knew she loved me, though I wasn’t sure why, but that was what made me want to get away from her even quicker.

Now that I had some time to think clearly and I wasn’t presently overwhelmed with the intoxicating effect she seemed to have on me, I was aware of what a big mistake I was making.

This thought process caused me to once again, watch her walk away.

Chapter 19

Carrie

I wasn’t sure how I had managed to stay so calm. I was hurt and confused, even though I pretended I wasn’t either of these things. I had thought we were making progress. In fact, I was stupid enough to believe that he might even come back with me.

Maybe I am as stupid as he seems to think I am. I thought, trying to stay ahead of him, so that he didn’t see my tears.

The hike to the ranger’s station was like a blur. We didn’t stop once, even though my ankle started to ache a couple of hours into the trip, I didn’t allow it to stop me. I was too determined to get to the station and get the hell out of Johnathan’s life.

Jake was by my side for most of the way, but Johnathan didn’t say much. He was behind me, walking closely, but hovered, more than walked behind me. It was aggravating to me, but I didn’t say anything.

I wanted my space from him, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t fair well out here by myself.

I was hungry and dehydrated. I knew that Johnathan knew the way to the station and so, I didn’t want to separate from him, even though it was difficult to even breathe the same air.

My thoughts wandered in a million different directions as I continued to stomp along. Most of the time, I contemplated why I insisted on allowing him to hurt me like he did on such a consistent basis.

Even though I had claimed to understand, and despite the fact that I was able to list the reasons why I understood, I couldn’t truly contemplate his actions.

He’s unhinged…Completely unstable. You have fallen in love with a damn psychopath. I thought but was started by the revelation that had only hit me now. It made sense, as to why I was so forgiving and so stupid. It explained all my actions and all my feelings; I was in love with him.

Yet, he drove me absolutely crazy. We argued more than we had a decent conversation but, in those times, when he wasn’t being the Johnathan that I wanted to smack, he was a man that I truly wanted. His idiosyncrasies didn’t matter to me. I was willing to work with him, to help him.

I wanted to show him what he was capable, because for some reason, I could see it, even if he couldn’t. I knew that he was able to have a great life and I knew that once he realized that, I would be able to be part of that life.

I had never known anyone, quite like I had recently got to know Johnathan. While he was rough around the edges and kind of a pain in the ass, with all his wishy-washy tendencies, I still felt a connection to him that was deep and lasting.

I knew that if he walked away from me, if he truly didn’t want me in his life, because he allowed his past to consume him, without even giving me a chance, it would destroy me.

From the moment I met him, I had connected with Johnathan and I wasn’t ready to give any of that up. I still wanted him and for as hurt as I was, I somehow knew that what he said, wasn’t how he felt. I knew that he felt similarly to the way I did, but he was still imprisoned by his past.

Fortunately for me, that was one realization I didn’t have to fake. I knew that his past was the reason he claimed he didn’t want to have anything to do with me, after I went back home. I knew that he couldn’t bring himself to risk being hurt again and I also knew that his feelings had nothing to do with me.

I knew that this wasn’t my fault.

While I felt bad for him, I didn’t harbor any guilt. I hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, I had done everything I possibly could to get him to understand that I was trying to help him.

I was angry with him for not understanding, but I couldn’t say that I was surprised. I realized that after a traumatic experience, where your whole world is shaken to its core, it takes a long time to get any confidence back.

Johnathan was still barely holding it all together and I knew that he thought, if I betrayed him, his whole world would be in complete disarray. This time, he wouldn’t be able to even begin to pick up the pieces.

Yet, for as much as I understood that, I also had a sense of pride as well. While I understood him not wanting to trust anyone else, I couldn’t understand how there wasn’t anything I could do to get him to trust me.

I knew I wasn’t going to betray his trust, no matter what happened to us. Yet, I needed Johnathan to believe it and he wasn’t giving me any opportunities to prove anything to him.

“Are you okay?” I finally heard him call from behind me.

“Yes,” I answered succinctly as my heart burned.

“Do you need to stop and rest?”

“No,” I insisted, “Apparently, the sooner we get there, the better.”

“Yeah, but we’re making good time. I would be okay with stopping for a while.”

“Why stop? To me, that sounds like more of a reason to keep going.”

“Oh…Okay. If you’re sure,” he answered, but I didn’t reply.

I simply forged ahead, without looking back.

Partially, I didn’t want to stop because I did want to get to our destination. When we made it to the station, I would be able to rest, without having a long journey still ahead. It would be then that I could finally, truly relax. However, my urgency was partly because I knew if we stopped, everything I was thinking would come spilling out and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

Before we parted ways, I hoped to be able to get my point across to him, but I wasn’t ready yet. I was still angry, and this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have while angry.

Again, we trudged along in silence, with Jake looking between us as we walked, obviously wondering, yet again, what was going on with us.

He must think we’re bipolar or something; making love one minute and giving one another the silent treatment the next.

This thought caused me to contemplate what it would be like if we lived together. Would we fight constantly, or would we be happier more than we would be miserable?

I assumed that we would probably find a balance, since we wouldn’t be constantly fighting to survive and if we were living together, Johnathan would’ve made his choice.

Considering what he told me about his ex-fiancée, I found it unlikely that he would be so indecisive one he finally took the plunge into a relationship with me.

The only thing we argue about is the fact that he doesn’t trust me and won’t give me a chance. If he was willing to try, things would surely be different. I decided, but a terrible thrust of anxiety hit my stomach as I realized that we probably would never know.

“We’re almost there,” he insisted eventually; his words dragging me out of my thoughts and back to a reality that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of.

“Good,” I responded coldly, continuing in the direction of the ranger’s station.

“Yeah, I thought so,” he insisted, and I looked back to see him grinning. His eyes were trained on me and in a strange way, I thought he might be regretting not talking to me.

Wishful thinking, I insisted to myself, though I contemplated starting a conversation with him, simply to see where it would go.

I knew that once we were at the station, there would be nothing more to say to him, with the way things were, than goodbye.

I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, and I thought that if I let him go now, I might never get the chance to speak to him again.

So, I turned around, in a desperate display, for the first time, showing him that I was crying and insisted, “Johnathan, I don’t want to say goodbye to you.”

He stopped short, staring at my face, before his eyes dropped down to the ground. His expression remained stoic, but his jaw tightened, and he drew in a deep breath. I waited for him to release it, hoping that he would speak, but when nothing came after the long, slow exhale, I decided to continue.

“Listen to me, please,” I insisted, watching his head turn up to me. He blinked, but didn’t move, so I took this as my cue to continue, “I want you in my life, Johnathan. I think that we have a connection and I don’t want to lose you. Last night, something happened, and you opened up to me. That gave me such a sense of accomplishment…”

“Why? Because you finally broke me down?” He snapped, but I didn’t allow him to commandeer this conversation.

“No, because I felt that you had started to trust me. I felt that I had helped you and that was something I had tried to do since I met you and realized that you needed help.”

“You can’t fix me,” he hissed.

“I’m not trying to fix you. I don’t think you’re broken. I think you need support and you need to have a reason to trust people again…That’s it.”

“Oh, quick fix,” he said with a snap of his fingers, “Just like that, you’ve solved all of my problems.”

“Shut up, Johnathan!” I screamed, this time growing angry, knowing that he was simply trying to push me away. “Listen to me, for once. Get it through your head that I am not Sarah and I never will be her. She was a bitch and your so-called friends were a bunch of assholes. Unfortunately, you seemed to attract some pretty shitty people in your life, and I’m sorry for that, but I refuse to be lumped in with them. I’m not perfect, by any means, but I have your best intentions in mind. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did and now, the thought of you leaving me behind at the ranger’s station, the idea that I am going to have to watch you walk away, shatters me.”

My outburst had brought an even more pronounced round of tears that I had tried to bridle but failed. However, at least he was listening to me.

When I stopped to breathe, however, Johnathan didn’t move. He didn’t try to comfort me, but he also didn’t argue with me.

I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but I felt that I was on a roll and I wasn’t about to stop, simply because I wasn’t sure how he was going to react.

“I’m sure you don’t know this, and you might not even believe me, but I really don’t care. I’m going to tell you anyway. I spent the time before I had fallen asleep planning how I would be able to help you get your life back together. I was excited for our journey together. I was going to see if you wanted to stay with me, not move in, like as a relationship, but just so you would have a normal roof over your head, so you could find a job. I was going to pull in some favors for you with people I know around my apartment and I was excited to be able to help you. I had every intention of helping you. Now, I know I can’t guarantee that it will be forever, but no one can guarantee that. No one can ever guarantee anything and if they tell you they can, they’re lying.” I stopped and sighed, sniffling back the now free-flowing tears, and running my sleeve across my shirt. “All I want is a chance to help you and there isn’t a way I can do that while one or both of us are stuck up here on this mountain.” I stepped toward him now, hoping that I was talking him into giving it a shot. I couldn’t tell from his expression, so I continued, “Please, Johnathan, tell me you can trust me enough to give me a chance.”

I stood there, hoping for a positive reaction, for what seemed like a lifetime. I could see that he wanted to react, but he stopped himself multiple times. However, I stayed vigilant. I kept my gaze trained on him, showing my steadfast commitment to helping him, hoping this would persuade him.

Yet, eventually, he turned away, unable to even look me in the eyes.

“I can’t do it,” he grumbled, “I’m sorry.” Turning back to me, I could tell that this was difficult for him too, but at that point, I was so angry, I didn’t care. “I’ll go to the station, with you, and help you get acclimated but then, I’m going home…and so are you. It’s better that way,” he insisted, but by now, I couldn’t even pretend to be understanding toward him.

“I was wrong to take what I said back earlier. You really are a coward,” I snapped, “I just poured my heart and soul out to you and you just dismiss it? I just told you I was in love with you and you don’t even acknowledge it?”

“Carrie,” he started, walking toward me gingerly, but I backed away.

“No. I don’t want to hear it. Johnathan, I while will never forget you for saving my life, and guiding me back to safety, but I also will never forgive you for not even giving me the decency of the benefit of doubt.”

“Carrie, please…” Johnathan insisted, throwing out his hand, in an effort to get me to take it, but I pushed it away from me.

“No. You had your shot. You had a million chances. You have made your decision and I’m done trying to get you to see it my way.”

With that, I turned and walked away from him, for what I imagined this time, would be for good.

Chapter 20

Johnathan

I felt my heart drop. Again, I had known I screwed up. I watched her walk away from me, with her face, streaked with tears, but this time, I wasn’t going to let her get too far.

Since I had made my commitment to her, I wasn’t about to go back on my word. I was going to be genuine in my efforts. I wasn’t going to leave her side until I was sure she was safe.

However, as I started to walk, she quickened her pace, as though she was actively trying to get away from me.

I looked over to Jake, who was sitting between us, giving his usual look of sheer disapproval.

“Yeah, yeah…I know…” I hissed as I passed him, “But you don’t need to shame me into it this time.” I took a few more paces toward her before calling out to her.

She didn’t acknowledge me.

“Please, Carrie, let me at least walk with you. I want to make sure you are safe…”

I tried to quicken my pace again but was sure by her actions that she was trying to stay ahead of me.

While I wasn’t about to leave her, I didn’t want to risk her getting hurt by trying to get away from me. So, I slowed down and kept my distance.

“Fine! I’m just going to stay behind you, then. You can’t do anything about that. I told you I was going to see this through and that’s what I’m going to do.”

Silence was the only response, followed by Jake’s groan as he ran ahead to walk between us.

I wasn’t sure if he did this in an effort to be a link between the two of us, or if he was simply trying to ensure he could watch us both, even when we weren’t together.

However, I knew from the way he was acting toward both of us now, that he wasn’t going to be happy when Carrie and I said goodbye.

I sighed, grumbling with frustration at her stubbornness.

“You know, it seems like I’m being inconsiderate but I’m not. I’m thinking of you too, Carrie. I don’t want to be a burden on you. I don’t want to become someone you wish you’d never met. If you ended up resenting me, for whatever reason, that would be worse than if you left me,” I called, trying to be completely honest with her, even though I wasn’t even sure she could hear me now, considering the distance she had put between us.

“You can’t promise me forever, but I’m afraid that you’ll try, and it’ll make you miserable. If we were together, I would want to help you, bring you up, make you better for knowing me…The kind of things you make me believe about myself, when I think of us together…”

At this, I could’ve sworn I saw her stop and almost turn around, but the moment ended with a shake of her head as she pursued her goal, leaving me to once again, wonder if she had even heard me.

“Carrie, please, come back. I want to talk…I don’t want you to leave angry. I want you to understand, that I am not right for you. I don’t want to try because I can’t be the man you deserve. Despite what you think, I am broken.” I grumbled, stopping to look down at the ground, ashamed of what I had become, “That bitch took everything from me. Not only did she make me distrust everyone, she also made me doubt my ability to be a good partner…A good anything. How can I try to support you, be your lover and your partner, if I can’t even be confident that I am worth the trouble?”

I looked up, to see if anything I had said resonated with her, but if it did, she gave me no indication.

Frustrated, I quickened my pace, seeing that we were running out of time, with the ranger station only a few hundred feet away.

“Please, Carrie! Listen to me! Now, I’m the one pouring my heart out and you’re the one walking away. While I don’t blame you, I want you to listen. I want you to understand. I’m not doing this for me and…I do have feelings for you, which is why I think it’s so damn important that I leave you the hell alone. You don’t deserve this aggravation,” I insisted, “But I don’t want to part on these terms. I want you to understand!”

At this, Carrie turned around, but her eyes were cold and bloodshot from crying. She furrowed her brow at me and leaned against a tree for support as she called back, “Do you think you’re the only person who has ever had a bad breakup?”

“Well, no…” I insisted, backing up slightly, trying to understand exactly where she was going with this. “I just…”

“No. You are not the only one who has a crazy ex. Yes, it sucks, and yes, your situation is particularly shitty, but it isn’t the end of the world, unless you let it. You can recover from this. I have offered to help you recover from it, yet you keep pushing me away.” Carrie stopped speaking then, and looked up at the sky, looking as though she was gathering her thoughts, before looking back at me. “Do you really want to know why I decided to go on this trip? Sure, it was fun, and it was exciting and the idea of it was adventurous, but under all that, is a reason that no one else knows.”

“Why?” I asked, inching toward her, cautiously to ensure that my getting to close wasn’t going to cause her to take off again.

“Because,” she answered, “I’m getting over something too. I tried to hold it in for as long as I could, and, to the credit of this trip, I haven’t thought about it all that much, what with trying to survive, but about a month ago, I got a call. It was from my ex boyfriend’s mother. I hadn’t dated this man for years, but he was my first love. My first…everything. She told me that he had hung himself and mentioned me in the note.”

“Jesus,” I muttered, feeling terrible for her.

However, she shrugged off my comment, before continuing, “Don’t get me wrong…This man was abusive, and he said hurtful things, simply to break me down. It took me years to get over him and to regain my self-worth. I tried my best to get away from him several times and when I finally did, everyone was always afraid I would go back. He was like a drug…He had always had a hold on me that was almost otherworldly. I could be so mad at him, but if he looked at me a certain way, my anger would just melt away.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean…” I replied, empathizing with her. “That’s why I was so blind. I was so in love with Sarah, that I refused to see the signs that something wasn’t right.”

“Anything that happened, would just get forgotten about,” she added, “simply because it was more important to me that he was there.”

I shook my head in understanding.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she continued, “The relationship was toxic. I will never deny that, but there were also good times…And those were some of the best times of my life.” She grinned in a sad way, “He was everything to me and certain places, I still go and think fondly of him.”

“I guess I never got to that point,” I insisted.

“It takes time,” Carrie admitted, looking at me for the first time in a long while, “But once it happens, the next time is easier and while you never forget, you don’t burst into tears, or get angry all over again. You simply enjoy the memory.”

“Is that why you came up here? To the mountain? Is this one of your places?” I urged, hoping that my questioning wouldn’t upset her.

However, seemingly pleased by my interest, she nodded, “It was a long time ago, but he and I took a trip out here and went camping for a few days. It was just him and I. He loved the woods and he knew a lot about them, so I felt safe with him. This trip was before he was abusive…We were probably sixteen or seventeen,” she giggled, “I got in so much trouble when my parents found out, but it was worth it.”

“Oh, so you were a little rebel,” I teased slightly.

Adamantly, Cassie shook her head, “No, not at all. That was probably the only thing I ever did like that…Our relationship was off again, on again, after that, since my parents weren’t too thrilled with his influence.” She rolled her eyes, almost looking like the teenage-self she was referring to. “The day I turned eighteen, he and I got a place of our own together. We worked our asses off and he got a job at his father’s company. Everything was going well, despite the parental disapproval, but then, he hurt himself on the job and had to be let go. He was only nineteen. Pain medicine, mixed with alcohol made him a different person. He never recovered from the addiction. It made him violent and depressed. Eventually, I had enough, and I moved back in with my parents. I started to go to school, more to take up time while I wasn’t working, so that I didn’t have to think about anything. I decided to be a paralegal, because I wanted to help people.”

“Wow…” I replied, unsure of what else I could say to her. I was shocked by what she told me and felt kind of dumb for how I had reacted to my own breakup. However, I didn’t mention any of this. I simply continued to give Carrie my undivided attention.

“So, when I got the call that he had died, and that one of his final thoughts was of me, it was devastating. I hadn’t seen him in years…I hadn’t wanted to see him in years, but in that moment, I wished I had been at his side. I wished I was able to help him…But I had abandoned him, just like he felt everyone else had abandoned him.”

“Carrie, you know that there’s nothing you could’ve done, right?” I insisted.

She nodded weakly, and I got the feeling that she had heard that attempt at comfort a million times before.

“That wasn’t really the worst part. Yeah, I mean, I was shocked, devastated and hurt, but I’m getting over that. What I had a harder time with, was when I told my roommate, my parents, and my friends, everyone gave a collective good riddance.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t in so many words, but through their half-hearted condolences, I knew that’s what they meant. No one would talk to me about it. No one thought I should even care. Everyone, almost seemed happy, that now, I would never go back with him, even though I never had any inclination to. I was a different person than I was then, when I was dating him, and I wouldn’t have put up with his shit anymore. Although, I wasn’t happy that he was gone. For the first time, probably since we were kept apart in high school, I missed him. I wanted to go to the funeral, but his mother, who never liked me much anyway, inadvertently blamed me for his death and was unwelcoming to the idea of me showing up. My parents told me that it would only dig up bad memories and my roommate told me that there was no reason for me to mourn a looser, who was never going to amount to anything anyway.”

“Damn…And you said, your parents were supportive?”

Carrie chuckled slightly, “Trust me, what they said was warranted. They tried to be gentle about it, but they had seen me hurt by him, so many times in so many ways, it took a lot for them to be as kind as they were about it.”

“And, your roommate?”

“That’s just the way she is…and, I mean, in their strange way, they were trying to help me, and give me the support that they thought I needed to move on from him, that wasn’t what I needed. I had already moved on. I was mourning for a life that I knew, better than anyone. I was morning for the man I fell in love with, not the abusive jerk who had shattered my self-esteem. So, I decided to take this trip, to get away from the people who were proving to be unhelpful in my grieving process and be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to create a new memory, where I could do what I wanted, be who I wanted, think how I wanted, without anyone telling me that I shouldn’t feel a certain way.”

“Then, you found me,” I added, feeling terrible and wishing that I could hold her.

“Don’t worry, I’m not rebounding or anything. I actually haven’t thought about him much at all…And you’re nothing like him, besides you know your way around the woods.”

“And, I can be an asshole?”

“Yes, but at least you admit it,” she answered in somewhat of a teasing tone and I wondered if maybe, somewhere deep inside, she had forgiven me, even a little bit.

“Yeah, well, there’s no point in trying to deny it,” I replied, stepping closer to her, and hoping that my next question was something she could even answer. “So, with everything that happened, after everything that happened, how can you even think about dating, or trusting anyone ever again?”

“It took a while, but his death didn’t affect me in that way. I only wanted to be there to support him, so that he might have lived. I didn’t want to date him, ever again. I took a long time to find myself. I had a good support system…and school helped. It gave me a goal besides marriage and kids. It distracted me, so that I could have fun. Now, I’m sure if that didn’t destroy me, and I survived him killing himself, which was a fear I lived with every day at the end of our relationship, I could figure out a way to make it through pretty much anything. I couldn’t stop my life at twenty-three and even now, I can’t stop my life for anyone. I need to do what I want to do, with the people I want to do it with. I tend to be blunt, but that’s only because I spent so much of my life not saying what I wanted to say, for fear of angering someone. Now, while I don’t mean any harm, I say what’s on my mind. If you don’t like it, too bad.”

I grinned at her, feeling an overwhelming sensation of attraction.

“Hey, Cassie, would you mind if I walked closer with you, down to the ranger’s station?”

She paused for a moment, glancing at the building, that now wasn’t too far away, before looking back at me and putting out her hand.

“Thank you, Johnathan, I would be honored.”

Chapter 21

Carrie

While it had felt good to tell Johnathan my story, as we walked toward the ranger’s station, I was reminded that he might leave.

Yet, the conversation I had with him had also reminded me that if he did, that was okay.

As angry as I was with him before, after sharing my own secret with him, I felt it was silly to continue in anger.

After all, the last thing that I had learned from my ex’s death is that no matter how far you try to put someone behind you, if they meant enough to you, one moment and one instant could bring them right back to the forefront of my mind.

I didn’t want my ex back, but there was a part of me that genuinely blamed myself for his death.

There were a million ways that I thought I could’ve been better to him, helped him more and stayed by his side, though I knew that wasn’t a possibility.

Deep down, I knew there was nothing that I could do. If I had still been with him, I might have been the one who found him, and I would just be starting my journey of self-discovery; that is if he hadn’t dragged me down with me.

While I would’ve liked to think that he wouldn’t have hurt me, really hurt me, I got away from him because he scared me. I remembered at the time, having the thought that if I stayed with him, I could die and that was ultimately what made me leave.

So, if I had stayed, logically, I knew there was a much better chance of him killing me, before taking his own life, then there was of me saving him; though I would never admit it.

Although, being reminded of all this, being brought back there, while explaining what happened to Johnathan had given me the presence of mind to live for the moment. Be in the moment.

When my ex died, I was still angry with him and he knew it. The last thing I had told him was that he was dead to me, when he reached out a couple years before. I was in a bad place, but that wasn’t why I had said it. I had said it so that he would get the hint that the relationship, and any hope of us ever getting back together was gone.

Ultimately, I had said it out of spite and although that was something I was to guilty to ever say to anyone else, that had stuck with me.

I had thought about calling him to apologize, or writing him a letter, but ultimately, I had always thought better of it. I didn’t want him to think that there might be a way for him to wriggle his way back into my heart again and for that, I didn’t regret.

I had more self-respect than that. Yet, I did wish that there was a way I could tell him that I hadn’t meant what I said and that the part of him that I fell in love with, would always remain in my heart.

Therefore, the conversation I had about him with Johnathan reminded me not to make the same mistake; especially to a man who hadn’t hurt me near as bad as my ex had.

If I was going to part ways with him, I wanted to part ways on good terms, with no regrets, and an open invitation, if he ever felt like he could try to assimilate back into society, even if it was for only a day or so.

The conversation I had with Johnathan had also reminded me that these things take time. It had taken mem a long time to be okay with myself, after breaking up with my ex. It was nearly a year before I even wanted to go back to the same places that he frequented, in fear that I would see him, or someone we used to know.

Eventually, that fear subsided though, and I was able to go out and have a good time without looking over my shoulder every minute.

So, I knew that I needed to give Johnathan time. That was the only way he was ever going to make any progress.

I decided to adopt the idea of, it was meant to be, it would be, when it was meant to be; not a second sooner.

Destiny was another thing I knew, mostly because of Kasandra, that you couldn’t force, or run from.

However, when we finally reached the station, I thought it was strange that no one was there.

The building looked more like a lodge than a ranger station, with the attributes of the outside reminding me of the cabin.

I hoped that was a sign that it was another safe space.

Although, the way that it was looking, there wasn’t anyone else around out here. The chimney was unlit and there were no lights on inside the building.

Johnathan and I looked around for a vehicle and knocked on the door, to no avail.

“Hmmmm,” I offered, looking back at Johnathan as he peered inside a window, “Well, I’m here and I’ll be safe. I can handle myself…You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want to.”

“Are you kidding? There’s no one here…” he snickered, “You know Jake won’t let me leave.

“Are you sure? I’ll be okay.”

“Positive…” he answered, knocking on the door one last time before entering.

At the sight of benches, I realized how exhausted I was and imped over to one where I could sit down and prop my leg up. The lights were on and it looked like someone was here at some point, recently, judging by the half-drank coffee on the desk, which was scattered with papers.

Across from the desk, there was a radio, which Johnathan used to call the rangers.

There was static at first, after his initial call, but eventually, a man’s voice comes over the radio, informing Johnathan that they are perfectly safe in the station, but it would be a few hours before they can get a vehicle up to them. Apparently, there was a mud slide that affected an area a little further down the mountain and they were having trouble getting trucks across even to clear it.

Johnathan thanked them and told them that we would be here whenever they could get there.

Afterward, he started to look through the shelves, grabbing snacks and water bottles. He tossed two bottles and a couple of bags of chips in my direction. I downed the first bottle before he even had a chance to speak.

“I know this isn’t the best first meal, but it’ll keep you alive until help arrives.”

“This is fine!” I exclaimed, digging into the first bag of chips. “At this point, this bench is starting to look appetizing,” I joked, as Johnathan poured some water into a bowl for Jake and gave him some of the chips, before sitting next to me.

The closeness I felt as his arm brushed against me was strangely comforting. I grinned at him and scooted closer.

We enjoyed our chips and water, ravenously, as though it was the best food we had ever tasted.

After barely eating the past few days, though, anything would’ve been a godsend.

Once we had our fill of the junk food, Jonathan asked, “Do you want me to look at your ankle? I’m sure we can find a First Aid Kit around here somewhere. I can splint it properly.”

I shook my head in agreement and offered my leg to him.

Carefully, Johnathan peeled my pant leg back, to reveal a swollen ankle.

“Damn,” he admitted, “I’m glad you were able to make it here.”

“Is it that bad?” I demanded raising my head up to get a better look.

“I’m not sure exactly how bad it was, but the trek we took certainly didn’t help it,” he pressed against it with a small amount of pressure.

“Ouch!” I exclaimed, when it started to hurt.

He focused on my leg as he touched a few more spots, which burned from both the injury and over-using the muscles.

“I don’t think anything is broken, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they want to do an x-ray when you get back to the bottom of the mountain, just to be sure.”

I shook my head in agreement as Johnathan stood up and walked over to the metal cabinet that was standing in the corner.

He disappeared for a moment but returned quickly with a white metal suitcase-looking box, labeled First Aid.

He wrapped my ankle tightly with an Ace bandage, being cautious of the pain it was causing.

Besides feeling like heated pins and needles, once the bandage was secured, the sharp pains and pulsing lessened intensely.

“How’s that?”

“Good,” I answered, not sure if there was a possibility for it to be any better, considering the abuse it had taken the past few days. “It feels much better,” I assured him.

“Great!” Johnathan offered, before growing noticeably quiet.

I allowed the silence for a little while, but eventually, I had to ask what the issue was.

“Nothing,” he shook his head, as though solidifying his response. Everything is fine. I’m…happy we finally made it.”

“But?” I urged, knowing that there had to be more.

“I’m just…I’m sorry, okay? I wish I could give you everything, including the trust that I know you deserve, but I can’t and that bothers me…Especially after everything you’ve been through.”

“Johnathan, I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad or to pity me,” I explained, covering his hand with my own, “I told you that, with the hope that you will one day realize that there is a way out, even when you can never imagine your life any other way.”

“But I just keep thinking about all the shitty stuff I said to you, when in reality, you probably know far better than I will ever know, how to get over tragedy and move on.”

“I told you all that to help you, that’s it. I learned to move on, because I had to…Because I refused to allow my situation to get the best of me. I want to survive, and I want to thrive. So, whenever I have the urge to give up, the urge I have experienced many times, I fight through it. I do something to change my situation. When I felt threatened by my ex, I moved out. When I heard that he died, I came here, and when the guide…” I willingly let my voice trail off there, still not wanting to think too much about the most current tragedy I experienced.

“You found me and have to deal with my problems?” Johnathan suggested, though his voice was slightly teasing.

“No, I found you. Do you forget all that you did for me?”

“Besides giving you a complex?”

I playfully nudged him, “Trust me, you’re not that crazy. It takes a lot more than falling in love with a relationship-shy, anti-social mountain man to give me a complex,” I chuckled. “But seriously, Johnathan, after everything that happens, I find a way to move on and eventually persevere. Even after shit hits the fan, there is life and happiness after. I promise, you just have to be willing to receive it.”

He thought about this for a moment, before he shook his head, “I just don’t know how you do it.”

“I don’t either,” I admitted. “It’s not like I wake up one day and decide this is the day I’m going to get over whatever it is. For instance, I have a lot to still get over from…What happened with the guide. There’s parts of that I may never get over.”

I thought about the severity of that statement and how there was a good possibility that I would never be able be truly alone ever again. Regardless of what Johnathan said, I will always be looking over my shoulder, worrying about whether he is standing there, waiting for me.

Having made it to the station, even without anyone there, I was surprised that nothing had happened.

I was extremely relieved that we had all made it safely and that no one was threatened, but I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to know what happened to the man and I wanted to know that he wouldn’t be coming after me.

However, I guessed that was one luxury I would never be provided. The second-best thing is never having to see him again, but that wouldn’t stop the worry.

I was terrified of him and there was nothing I could do to assuage that fear.

“Come on, Carrie,” Johnathan insisted, scooting even closer to me, as if trying to prove that he was there to help me through whatever was bothering me.

However, he wasn’t going to be there. He was going to go back to my life and I was going to go back to mine. The only thing he was promising me was something he couldn’t possibly guarantee.

Still, I didn’t bring any of this up, considering I was genuinely trying to part without any issues.

I didn’t want that guilt.

So, I grinned at him and asked, “What do you mean? Come on, Carrie?”

“You can’t let that asshole get the best of you. You’ve been through too much. You’re too strong a person to be forced into a corner like that. You can’t let this man rule you. You are going to get over this, just like you got over everything else.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked, humored by his unwavering faith in me; even if he didn’t trust me as far as he could throw me. “How do you know that?”

“I have to!” He exclaimed, “If you can’t then, there’s no hope for me.”

I giggled and teased, “Oh, I should’ve know this ultimately had to do with you.”

“I told you, Carrie, I’m a selfish bastard. You’re much better without me.”

Shaking my head, I refused to feed his negative comments. “You know what, Johnathan? I don’t think you are a selfish bastard. I don’t think you’re an asshole and I don’t think I’m better without you. I disagree with you, three for three. You are wrong, but you’re none of the things you think you are.”

“Yeah, okay,” he insisted, chuckling.

“Can I tell you how I feel without you going all crazy on me?”

“Oh, so now you think I go crazy?” He snickered.

“Johnathan, you know damn well that you go crazy. That’s not debatable. What I want is permission to speak freely with the hope that we can curb your crazy?”

“Sure, why the hell not?”

“Good,” I insisted, thinking about exactly what I was going to say, so that I could make sure I got my point across accurately. “I don’t think you are any of those things. I think, you want to be those things. I think you try to be those things, because if you were an asshole, selfish or bad for me, it would be so much easier to let me go. But, you don’t actually feel that way, which is what makes this so hard for you to accept.”

Johnathan didn’t respond at first and I hoped I hadn’t made a mistake by telling him any of how I felt, but eventually, I realized that he wasn’t brooding, he was thinking. I watched his eyes shine over in thought before he finally nodded, looking back to me after serious contemplation, “That’s definitely a possibility. You’re pretty smart.”

“No, you’re just painfully easy to read,” I retorted in a playful manner.

“You know, you’re the first person to ever tell me that. Everyone else said that I was an enigma and that there was no way to tell how I would react…Everyone, including Sarah and my parents.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but stopped short, again trying to judge weather or not my question was worth pursuing. Eventually, I decided to give it a shot.

“Johnathan, is that where you became convinced that you were all those horrible things? You said you were the black sheep of the family…”

“Yeah, come to think about it. My brother was always the golden child and I was…John, the troublemaker, or, when I got older and more frustrating, John, the asshole. They didn’t understand me, so they decided that must be why.” At this, he stood up and started to pace around, trying to focus on everything but the conversation he and I were having.

I gave him some space before saying anything else, but eventually offered, “You know, sometimes, people say things because they are guilty…Subconsciously. They know that they are one way, or act a certain way toward people, so instead of blaming themselves, they justify their thoughts by making the other person the bad guy.”

“Oh, well, I could tell you that my parents are selfish. The only reason they even like my brother is because he was good for their campaign trail. Unfortunately, he knows it too, but since they like him, he doesn’t want to rock the boat,” Johnathan answered me without actually looking back at me.

“I’m sorry,” I replied, watching as he turned around and sat back next to me, without looking at me.

He was quiet for a moment and I let him have that. I supposed he was thinking, probably about a lot of painful memories that he didn’t want to be replaying in his mind.

“I just want to feel differently,” he finally insisted, glancing up at me for the first time in a while, now peering deeply into my eyes.

I stayed quiet, not sure exactly how to respond, or even if I should respond. His expression was so intense and deep, that if he weren’t looking straight at me, deep into my soul, I would think that he was looking straight through me.

We stayed there, eyes locked in silence for a long period of time.

During that time, I gazed back into his eyes, trying to figure out where his thoughts were roaming to, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint it from the look he was giving me.

I thought about what it would be like, having to go back home, without him.

I didn’t know how much time I would have before the rangers showed up, but every second seemed to pass too quickly. Even without having a specified time limit, I knew that no matter how much time I had left with him, it wouldn’t be enough.

His eyes, although they didn’t give me much of a lead as to what Johnathan was thinking, sure gave me some insightful thoughts.

Wanting to stay with him forever, I wondered if that would be possible, but decided that I would miss the outside world, so the only way that would work would be if he came back to reality.

Staying with him would simply be enabling him…and what about your family, your career? What about all the things you’ve worked so hard to accomplish. Surely Johnathan wouldn’t want you to give all that up. I convinced myself, though the thought of leaving him presently seemed even more upsetting than leaving my life behind.

However, I knew that was only because he was presently what I was losing. I wouldn’t be happy here, in the mountains, for the rest of my life.

Although, staring into his eyes right then, keeping my gaze trained on him for such an extended period of time, made me think that I could.

“I want you, Carrie,” he finally admitted, breaking the intensity of the moment, but giving validity to a whole new train of thought.

I grinned, trying to figure out the best way to respond honestly, without making him feel as though I was trying to convince him to do anything he wasn’t ready for. “And I want you too. That is never going to change.”

“But right now, I just feel that it’s easier to push you away than risk the chance of you walking away. At least then, I’m not blindsided.”

I nodded in understanding, “I get that.”

He seemed skeptical, “I’m trying my best…”

“I’m serious, Johnathan. I really do understand,” I insisted, “When I was talking to you, telling you about my past, I realized that, while I do deserve your trust, you deserve the time it takes to give me that trust. So, my door is always open. I can’t guarantee what will happen, but I will always be there for you if you need me.”

Johnathan allowed this to settle in his mind for a moment before he grinned, “Thank you. I appreciate that and hopefully soon, I’ll be able to surprise you.”

“That would be great, but in the meantime,” I said, reaching up, so that my lips were close to his, “I’m not going anywhere,” with that, I kissed him passionately, throwing my arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

Immediately, Johnathan wrapped his arms around me as well and deepened the passion of the kiss.

Johnathan leaned against me, his arm resting heavily on the wall behind me as his head twisted in a manner that allowed him to thrust himself against me, almost desperately.

The essence of the kiss was also different; it was almost as though he was trying to revel in every moment, every touch and every second that we were spending together.

“I mean,” he insisted, as his lips traveled off my mouth and toward my ear, while his hand cupped around the back of my neck as he pulled me closer to him, “I need you now.”

“Here?” I asked, my eyes darting toward him as I snickered with a sense of excitement, “But…People could show up at any minute. We could be caught?”

“You think I give a fuck?” He growled, before pressing toward me again, as his tongue thrust deeply into my mouth. His arm snaked around my body, pulling me up so that I was slightly risen above the seat.

He scooted me back, so that I was against the small wall that divided the bench from the rest of the buildings.

Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist, and pressing my womanliness against him.

In one swift movement, he took my shirt off, reaching for my breasts.

The feel, however was slightly different than before. It was almost longing, as though no matter what he did, he would never be able to get enough.

Even though I noticed this, I was too busy being ignited by the feel of his now familiar, calloused touch to focus on much of anything else.

From the first kiss we shared, I felt a tingling between my legs, which soon kindled into a firestorm of hot, sensual, emotion that flowed throughout my whole body.

My hands pawed at him, feeling his body, exploring it, as though it was the first time.

Regardless of how long we stayed together, I doubted that I would ever get used to the perfection I saw in his virile physique. I had never seen a man who was built rawer and completely, all-inclusively manly, than Johnathan.

As I tore off his shirt, only pausing our kissing briefly to absolve him from the confines of his clothing, my fingertips trailed down the valley of his flawlessly molded stomach, until my finger hooked on his jeans, which I yanked toward me.

I felt Johnathan simper behind my lips, before he broke away to glare at me and growl, “Oh yeah? Is that how you want to play? Alright!”

He grabbed at his pants, removing them quickly and yanking me up, so that I was flesh against the wall.

I yelled out with surprise and pleasure, before a chill from the cold wall ran up my spine.

“You’re not going to tell me what to do…” He snarled in a sexy, domineering manner as he allowed me to drop down to his level, so that he could press his hard, erotic member against my nakedness. He rubbed it against me, up and down, each time growing closer to penetrating, but never quite giving me the satisfaction.

I felt my legs tighten against his waist as my heartbeat thudded in my chest.

“Is your leg okay?” He asked, breaking character only for a moment, before returning to his domineering counterpart when I hastily assured him I was fine.

Again, he teased me with his essence, before backing away from the wall and sitting back on the bench.

Now, he was between us, with his manliness pressing hard against me, the warmth and implication of it driving me crazy, though I was unable to do anything about it, as my legs were still wrapped around his waist.

Once we were sitting down, however, Johnathan grabbed my butt and easily yanked my body up; his muscles hardly even showing that he was doing anything, before he stared at me and asked, “You ready?” Before guiding himself into me.

Instantly, I sank deep against him and I sighed with a moment of relief, before he guided me back and forth, in a manner that made every small motion he made reverberate deep within me.

“Oh…Yes…” I shuddered, now putting everything else out of my mind as my hands rested on his shoulders and I helped him keep the pace of our lovemaking. Each time he moved me, I felt a sharp, quick bolt of euphoria zip through me, which eventually lead me to moan his name and grasp ahold of his shoulders tighter.

As I grew closer to climaxing, Johnathan picked up the pace and eventually, we were thrashing back and forth. We were both moaning, and our heavy breaths matched on another.

Our lovemaking had become hasty and forceful, as our frustrations were poured out, more with each thrust.

However, the faster we rocked and the more we exerted ourselves, the more we felt absolved, renewed, and entranced by the sensations that our actions were reaping.

I groaned, throwing my head back, while Johnathan shut his eyes tightly, “Yes…Yes…Keep going, Carrie!”

After the exclamation of my name. I felt him shoot into me. At the same moment, my body reacted.

Together, we remained frozen in our own personal oasis, while the world we had no care for at that moment, continued around us.

In that moment, we were both completely transported, out of our bodies, off the mountain and into a world where it was only the two of us, enjoying the intensity of our euphoria.

The moment lasted a long while, completely satisfying us, but still wasn’t nearly enough.

However, when we returned to our minds and were at least somewhat conscious of what was going on around us, I could tell that Johnathan felt the same way when he opened his eyes, stared directly at me, and insisted, “God, I love you, Carrie.”

I felt my heart drop. While hearing those words was amazing, especially since, despite the sensual adrenaline flowing through him, I was sure he meant it, I knew that having such a statement out there would make it even harder to let him go.

Still, I didn’t want to make him feel as though he made a mistake, or that I didn’t feel the same, so I grinned and answered earnestly, “I love you too, Johnathan.”

I wish I didn’t, I thought to myself, while staring deep into his bright, emerald eyes, but I love you more than anyone I have ever known.

Chapter 22

Johnathan

When the rescue people arrived a few hours later, both Carrie and I were almost, mutually disappointed.

Having had food, water, and sex, we were content to stay there for as long as was necessary. As long as we didn’t run out of snacks and didn’t have to separate, I was fairly content with staying there forever.

It was finally an adventure that both of us obviously needed.

We were together, we were well, if not healthily fed, and we were safe. If we really needed it, we had communications to the outside world and the rangers knew exactly where we were.

So, we were slightly disenchanted when the rangers came pulling up in their all-terrain vehicles, only a few hours after we had settled in.

For the first time, after making love to Carrie, I didn’t feel any guilt. I felt relieved and abundantly content, but the thoughts that had plagued me every time before were now silent.

I supposed the real test would be what I thought and felt once I was alone, but for the time being, I was ready to consider this a win.

However, when the park rangers, along with the paramedics showed up, all I could think about was how I now needed to make my decision…and how I had completely messed up by admitting to Carrie that I loved her.

I wasn’t lying, which was a surprise to me, to find out that I was even capable of loving someone again, but that was what made it so much worse. If I had simply said it in the throes of passion, without meaning it, other than trying to accurately explain what a good fuck that was, things would be different.

However, the fact that I meant those words to the very core of my being was what made this so difficult.

Her answer had made the decision even more of a challenge.

I knew what she was doing. She was trying to save me from herself. While she didn’t want to deny that she loved me, she knew how hard it would be, if I chose not to go with her, especially if she said it aloud.

However, she had, which made the looming separation even harder to accept. I didn’t want to leave her, but I also didn’t want to disappoint her, and I feared that either way, that would be the ultimate result.

I figured I would either disappoint her now, when I returned to my old life, or I would give her false hope by returning to civilization with her and then not being able to succeed.

Knowing that there would be challenges for me that I couldn’t even fathom, even if I felt that I could go without issue now, there was surely going to be something that would throw me for a loop once I started my assimilation.

Since I wasn’t even sure I could succeed with the hurdles I was aware of, I was even more dismayed by the thought of what I else I might come across.

Being a disappointment to her in the middle of nowhere, where she could easily forget me and move on seemed merciful. I didn’t want to be a disappointment to her out in the real world, where she was left with anything to explain.

Yet, I wanted to go with her. I wanted to be the person she seemed to think I could be. I wanted to emulate her strength and take whatever life threw at me like a champ, but she was the only person who ever seemed to believe I could be that way.

I thought about this throughout the time that the paramedics checked me over, while others attended to Carrie. I received some strange looks, but I understood.

After all, I did look like a wild mountain man. I wasn’t insecure enough take the oddity of my appearance to heart. I probably would look at myself strangely too if I were them.

Once we were both cleared, the rangers took us into separate parts of the station and took down our statements.

I wasn’t sure where to start, or exactly what they wanted to know, so I started from the beginning, telling them how I met Cassie, where I was living and what we were doing here at the ranger station.

Again, my responses were met with strange looks, but I took Carrie’s advice and told them the truth, whether they believed me or not.

Eventually, after conferring with one another, keeping us both in separate rooms, they allowed us to see one another again and the head ranger sat down across from us at his desk.

“I’m glad you two are alright. It’s such a shame, what happens to people up here in these mountains sometimes…” The ranger shook his head and pursed his lips, as though he was truly mourning someone in particular.

Carrie and I both agreed with the man.

“Is there traffic going back down the mountain?” I asked, “Someone told me over the radio that there was a mudslide and I just want Cassie to get to a hospital as soon as possible.”

“Yes, Sir, the mudslide has been taken care of and we are going to get you out of here as soon as possible, but considering your statements, I wanted to ask you a few questions, collectively.”

Carrie and I exchanged worried glances, unsure of what he would want out of our statements that couldn’t wait.

However, we agreed.

“Of course,” Carrie added after her nod.

“You both said you saw the man who attacked Carrie?” the ranger asked, getting out the pad and pencil he had used to take notes on previously.

“Yes, we did,” I answered for Carrie, taking a slightly more protective stance over her, in case something was about to happen where I would need to either shield her or get her out of here quickly, “Why?”

Sensing the tension, Carrie grabbed ahold of my arm, nervously.

“Well, I don’t mean to alarm you two,” the ranger answered, putting his hands up, as though trying to convey that he meant us no harm. “We believe the man was apprehended. It was earlier in the week…He tried to attack a woman a little closer to the normal trail and she got away. She identified him in a lineup and after doing a little digging, we found out that he recently purchased some distressing items from the local hardware store.”

“Did you find them?” I asked the ranger, starting to settle down slightly, but still not completely convinced that this conversation was going to end well.

“No, we haven’t. He didn’t have anything on him when we arrested him and, even though we found the receipt for the items in question, we didn’t find any of the items.”

“I think I know where you can find them. Were they a knife, duct tape, rope, and Diazepam?”

Now, it was the ranger who was a little taken back.

“I found a bag at the place where he and Carrie last set up camp, the night he attacked her.”

“Do you have the bag?”

“Hell, no. I didn’t want to be caught with a murder bag like that,” I insisted, but realizing that I probably shouldn’t be so blunt, I added in a more reserved tone, “But, if you want, I can point out where I found them on a map…or I can take you to it.” I shrugged, “The last time I saw it was a while ago, I can’t guarantee it’s still there, but I want it to be found.”

“You can pinpoint it on the map?” The ranger insisted, and I affirmed it with a nod.

With that, the man took out a map of the area and asked me to show him where it was. I circled the area, knowing exactly where the cabin was and using my knowledge of the surrounding mountainside to give an estimate that I was confident was accurate.

“In this clearing, you’ll find a broken tent and a tent that is still intact. Inside the tent that is intact, there should be the bag.”

“Thank you,” the ranger insisted, calling over one of the other rangers and asking them to check this area out right away.

After the other ranger left, with the map, his superior turned back to us.

“Hopefully, we’ll find the items on the receipt and that’ll be even more evidence against him,” he insisted, “But, for my initial questions…” he redirected the conversation quickly, “First, Carrie, I wanted to know if you wanted to press charges and I wanted to ask you both if you were willing to testify against the guide.”

“Wait, you caught him? He’s in jail?” Carrie seemed not only surprised, but relieved and kind of lost. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see any of that. He attacked me…He did use the Diazepam on me though, I think. He tried to give me something that knocked me out.”

“Did you tell the paramedics?”

Carrie nodded, “But, getting back to what you said, you caught him?”

Again, she seemed surprised and honestly, I couldn’t blame her.

Usually, what happens in the mountains stays in the mountains, unless there was an extremely good reason it wouldn’t, so it was an unlikely surprise to find out that he was caught.

The ranger nodded, “Now, the only reason I ask you this here, is so that when we get back down the mountain, you aren’t pressured into a decision. I want you to know that while he isn’t a danger to society anymore, you will have to be in the same room with him, while you testify and if you press charges, it might be a long process, but if you were willing to testify, at least, you would be getting justice for yourself, in addition to helping get justice for everyone and anyone he might have hurt in the past…and this could also prevent him from hurting anyone in the future.”

“Of course. Definitely,” Carrie insisted, now coming out from behind me fully for the first time.

“Yes, I would like to testify too. I want everyone to know what that bastard tried to do,” I insisted.

“Okay, then,” the ranger nodded as he tipped his hat and stood up, “Now that we’ve got all that unpleasant business out of the way, let’s get you two back to civilization.”

It was then that my stomach dropped. Instinctually, I looked at Carrie, who was staring back at me, with an odd expression.

I knew this was the time to decide, though I there were still so many factors floating around in my mind.

The conversation about the psycho guide had distracted me for a few moments but now that time had run out and I had to make a choice, I had wished that I had given it more thought.

Although, I doubted more thought was what I needed.

We must have stared at one another for a good minute, while the ranger looked between us, wondering what the issue was.

“Are you both okay?” The ranger finally asked, “Is there a problem?”

“He lives in the woods. In his grandfather’s cabin…” Carrie spoke up first, breaking the connection of our eyes to look at the ranger.

“Oh!” The ranger replied, though he still looked slightly confused as to why this was such a big decision, “Well, Sir, if you’d like to get a ride back to the cabin, I can definitely get someone to drive you back. That isn’t an issue. It explains why you know the mountain so well, though.” The ranger insisted, looking me up and down now, as though he was attempting to figure out my story.

I know he didn’t trust me, but I didn’t blame him. I didn’t trust him either.

With that, Carrie returned her gaze to mine and grinned. I felt her hands clasp solidly around mine as she exclaimed, “Johnathan, remember what I said. I am willing to give you time. My door is always open. It’s always your decision. I am not going to force you into doing anything.”

It was with that comment, that I decided to finally take a leap of faith.

“No, thank you,” I told the ranger, “I’m going to go down the mountain with Carrie.” Afterward, I looked over to Carrie and beamed meaningfully, “We started this adventure together, and I trust that’s the way we’re going to finish it.”

Epilogue

After a few months of dating, the couple is celebrating at a place that has become their new favorite restaurant.

The small, quaint place, with a bed and breakfast upstairs had absolutely the best food. It was run by an older Italian couple, who always seemed to be making their rounds through the dining hall, ensuring that the quality they expected was the quality that was received.

The staff was nice too, as it was mostly comprised of the couple’s family.

The couple had found this place randomly one evening, only a little while after returning home from their mountainous ordeal.

While things were good, being that they were now in the real world with one another, there was a little bit of a strain, with Johnathan rehabilitating himself.

Johnathan spoke very little and seemed almost amazed at what he saw. What he did say, consisted of how much everything had changed, along with cheap shots about how the world had gone on fine without him.

Carrie had learned to ignore these comments, since Johnathan seemed to only say them to get them out of his head, not because he believed there was any merit behind them.

Yet, on this night, they were frustrated and hungry. Johnathan hadn’t done well in an interview and was genuinely thinking that he might have made a mistake.

Carrie was trying to convince him otherwise when she saw this restaurant and pulled inside, announcing that they were going to stop this conversation until after they both had eaten.

Upon going inside, they found that the restaurant was bustling, yet everyone they encountered seemed to be happy to see them.

The owner seated them, though they didn’t know that at the time. He gave them a quiet, private, intimate table, away from the family-sized parties that were taking up most of the dining hall. The owner had told them that he thought they needed to add a little romance in their life and this table was the perfect remedy. He claimed that it was where he and his wife sat when we wanted to get away from the world and re-focus on one another.

As he walked away, Carrie and Johnathan thought this was strange, but intriguing. Johnathan insisted that he must have heard them bickering but agreed that it was a nice thought, just the same.

Unintentionally, the couple had taken the man’s advice and ended up talking about everything but the issue at hand.

They enjoyed a wonderful meal, amid gorgeous Italian artwork, while eating under an awning, giving the illusion that they were eating outside of an Italian café.

On the table between them, there was a small candle and checkered tablecloth that reminded Carrie of Lady and the Tramp. She mentioned this to Johnathan who found it amusing as well, citing more their personalities, and asked if they should split a pasta dish.

After dinner that night, as they were walking out of the restaurant, Johnathan’s new cellphone rang. He answered it only after complaining about instantly being so connected, but immediately changed his expression after speaking to the person who was calling him.

It ended up that Johnathan was hired for a position at a local bank. It was close to the apartment and a great opportunity. He was asked to start the following Monday.

After he got off the phone, his mood completely changed, he looked back at the restaurant and wondered aloud if there was something to that table after all.

Ever since that night, the couple had eaten at that restaurant at least twice a month, sitting at the same table and taking the older man’s advice to forget everything else and focus on one another.

On this night, the couple was celebrating. Johnathan and Carrie had officially taken the dive and gotten their own place together.

Since returning to civilization, Johnathan had gotten a job where he was doing extremely well, and Carrie was thriving in her school.

Initially, the couple had moved in with Kasandra, who thought it was weird that Carrie brought a boyfriend home from the mountains but couldn’t help being impressed.

She and Johnathan got along well, except for the fact that Kasandra seemed to make it her life’s mission to make Johnathan not only like people again but become an extravert. She insisted that the two come out with her, wherever she went and tried to get them to have new experiences, which was fun.

Carrie felt safe, knowing that she had Johnathan by her side, but eventually, their happy home got a little too cramped when Kasandra announced that she too had a boyfriend who was moving in.

Carrie wondered if she had done this on purpose, but she decided it didn’t really matter, since it was time for the couples to go their separate ways anyway.

“I can’t believe we actually did it!” Carrie expressed, placing her menu down on the table. “This is the first time I’ve lived with a boyfriend, since…Well, you know.”

Johnathan snickered, “Carrie, we’ve lived together for almost six months now.”

“Yes,” Carrie insisted, but continued with insinuation in her voice, “We’ve lived together, but it’s different living…alone, together.”

“I know,” he admitted, “I’m just teasing you.”

“Plus, with your promotion, things are really starting to turn in our favor,” she exclaimed, her shoulders rising with excitement.

Johnathan, watched her carefully, as he tried to hide the fact that his leg was bouncing up and down with nervousness.

He truly couldn’t believe how lucky he was and how happy he had become.

Ever since returning to civilization, he had completely transformed his life. His existence was never this easy, or this much fun, even when he and his ex were at their best.

He grinned as his heart swelled with excitement.

He had thought about this a lot in the past few months and although he was ready to take the next step, his heart was beating ferociously in his chest.

He knew he had to wait until the right moment, but he was bursting at the seams.

Part of him wanted to ensure everything was perfect while part of him couldn’t wait to get it over with.

“And with a paralegal in the family, you’re going to be able to help people and help us react our own goals.”

Carrie blushed, “Graduation is still some ways off…”

“It’s only a few months and besides, you killed it last semester. You’re going to be amazing this semester too,” Johnathan grinned with encouragement. “I know you would be the only one I would trust with my case if I ever needed it.”

“I’m kind of the only person you trust period, so is that really a compliment?” Carrie retorted playfully.

Johnathan scoffed playfully, “Of course it is! And besides, I’ve gotten a lot better. I kind of like Kasandra…She’s growing on me…”

Carrie laughed at Johnathan’s face of confusion.

“Kind of,” he reiterated.

“Yeah, she has that effect on everyone. Don’t judge the whole world by her or you won’t really fully like anyone.”

Johnathan chuckled, “I guess there is such a thing as being too honest?”

“Yes, yes there is, and Kasandra doesn’t care who you are, she has no filter…But her heart is in the right place.”

“Do you think her, and her boyfriend are going to be together for long?”

“No,” Carrie replied, almost immediately, “Honestly, I think she did this so that we would find a place of our own.”

“She’s tired of us already?”

Carrie shook her head, “I don’t think that’s it. She wants us to have our own experience and she is not an enabler.”

“So, she decided it was time for us to take the plunge?” Johnathan insisted, “I’m so glad that Kassandra plays such an active role in our life.” He rolled his eyes, playfully aggravated at the thought.

“Actually, she wanted me to do it. Remember how I told you the only love Kassandra knows is tough love? Well, this is a great example of it. She knows how I feel about living alone with you…And so, she forced my hand.”

Despite his complaining, Johnathan was pleased by her friend’s urging, since they were both shy when it came to such decisions.

Although, Johnathan was concerned about the true motive behind the decision. If he was going to go through with what he had planned for the night, he needed to make sure that Carrie was in the same headspace as he was. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

“Carrie, you are okay with all of this, right?” Johnathan insisted, putting his hand over hers and catching her eye meaningfully.

“Yes, of course!” She exclaimed, immediately, “Just because I think Kas had alternative motives to moving her flavor of the week into the apartment, doesn’t mean I’m not grateful.” Carrie grinned, moving close to Johnathan, keeping an even continuous stare, to prove she was serious. “Johnathan, I love you and I cannot wait to start our life, without anyone else. I promise. I don’t want to live anywhere, but with you and I am excited to be moving in with you…and only you. I have no doubt this is the right move for us.”

Johnathan held her gaze for a little while longer before nodding in agreement.

“Okay. Good. I’m glad to hear it,” he grinned and sat back, feeling relieved that the plan was still on. If he had to wait a second longer, he thought he might burst.

He didn’t remember feeling this way the first time. Although, it was more presumed by that point in the relationship. So maybe that had something to do with it.

Or you knew more than you thought… Johnathan thought to himself but shook the idea out of his mind.

Tonight, especially, wasn’t about old flames, or past failures. Tonight, was about future successes and taking the necessary steps toward building a life with the woman he loved.

The waiter came interrupting Johnathan’s thoughts. He was thankful, because the more he thought about what he was planning, the more noticeable he felt the tiny box in his pocket was.

He had hidden it well from Carrie, with Kassandra’s help. Now, all he had to do was keep it a secret for a little longer.

After they ordered, Carrie looked around, taking in the sights of the restaurant.

“The apartment is closer to this place too,” she added.

“I’m just going to be happy to have a real couch instead of that dead horse that Kassandra refuses to get rid of,” Johnathan insisted with a grin.

“I know, right? I’m starting to think there’s like…evidence in there or something. She’s normally not sentimental but she will not part with that damn couch,” Carrie made a face and proceeded to ask more questions about the apartment.

“Carrie, I’m excited,” Johnathan insisted, “But you realize I’m still getting used to having reliable running water and a toilet that flushes consistently. When it comes to colors and couches, I am good with whatever you want.”

Carrie’s eyes were alight at this, which caused Johnathan to worry that he had said something he would later regret.

“Within reason, Carrie…” he warned.

“Oh no!” Carrie insisted with a sneer, “You’ve done it, now. Normal men know that telling a woman they can do whatever they want is like writing a blank check…”

“Good luck with that,” he retorted lightheartedly, “You know damn well that my blank check won’t get you very far. It’s more likely to bounce than to buy a damn ice cream cone.”

“Yeah, but still, you don’t say things like that to me. When you come home to an apartment that is a replica of Versailles, you cannot say a word.”

“Why would you want that?” he teased.

“Gold…Everywhere!” Carrie responded, her eyes growing large as though she was imagining the sight.

“Ewww,” Johnathan replied, not the least bit impressed.

Carrie burst out laughing, “My point, exactly, love. Be careful what you say, even to me.”

Johnathan rolled his eyes, “Great! Now I have to be active in the decorations…”

“Yay!” Carrie insisted, genuinely enthusiastic, and returned to asking random questions about the décor options throughout dinner.

After ordering desert, something that Johnathan had missed a lot while he was on sabbatical from reality, he decided that this was a good time to change the subject.

“Carrie,” Johnathan finally insisted, reaching across the table, and grabbing her hand.

Midsentence, about lighting, or a bedframe, or something, Johnathan had far too much on his mind to genuinely be paying attention, she stopped short and stared at him.

“What’s wrong?” Carrie asked, tilting her head to the side curiously.

“Absolutely nothing!” Johnathan grinned, hoping that his nervousness didn’t give anything away.

Inside, he felt his body shaking, but he hoped to God it wasn’t as noticeable as it felt.

He sighed, preparing himself as best as he possibly could.

“Carrie,” Johnathan began, “I know that we haven’t known one another all that long, but the time that we have been together has been extremely impactful on…both of our lives. We have gotten to know one another better in the last few months than I believe many couples get to know one another in years. I have loved getting to know you…And I cannot wait to continue this journey of exploration with you…You have made me a better man then I ever thought I was capable of being. You have raised me up and even though I know I still have a long way to go, I now have the support and assurance that I can get there,” he paused, grinning at her still confused, yet appreciative expression. “I love you, Carrie and since we’re moving into our apartment, I thought it was only right that we did so, with the assurance that we are going to be husband and wife.”

With that, Johnathan slid off the chair, onto one knee, as he grabbed the tiny box out of his pocket.

Carrie was speechless as tears of joy filled her eyes. She screamed with excitement and hugged Johnathan tightly.

“Yes!” She exclaimed, “Oh my God! Yes! Of course!”

At this, Carrie kissed Johnathan ravenously. Eagerly, Johnathan wrapped his arms around Carrie and pulled him into her.

By now, the entire restaurant had figured out what was happening. There were cheers and clapping all around them, making the couple feel as though it truly was a celebration.

When they broke apart from their kiss, Johnathan stood up and placed the ring on Carrie’s finger.

For the first time, Carrie was able to see the ring. It was beautiful; a perfect stone, embedded in a cradle of surrounding diamonds. The band was white gold and the centered stone was encased in its own illustrious clasp, prominently displaying it apart from the rest.

Again, Carrie felt fresh tears start to stream down her face. The proposal completely surprised her, though she didn’t even have to consider her answer.

“I got a little nervous when you started talking about all gold,” Johnathan joked.

“You know me better than anyone!” She exclaimed, holding the ring out so she could admire it against her finger. “It’s perfect!”

Hardly able to believe what was happening, she wrapped her arms tightly around Johnathan, as the wait staff brought out their desert.

“I figured that now, you don’t have to feel like you are doing the same thing,” Johnathan told her as they sat down to enjoy their meal and the eyes of the other guests eased off them, giving the couple back their privacy.

“What do you mean?” Carrie insisted, searching her fiancé’s eyes for further explanation.

“Moving in together. I thought that you might be nervous about it and I figured if it isn’t the same experience, you will have an easier time separating it. Instead of moving in together as girlfriend and boyfriend,” Johnathan raised his glass, tapping it against Carrie’s, “You will be moving in with your fiancé.”

Carrie giggled, made giddy by the word that she had always thought was a long way off, in terms of describing her and Johnathan.

However, after a moment, Carrie lowered her glass and turned serious, “Now, I’m the one who feels the need to clarify…You didn’t feel like you had to do this, did you? I don’t want to rush you into anything. I know how big of a step this is for you too. After all…”

Johnathan stopped her abruptly, “Carrie, when have you ever known this stubborn ass to do anything he didn’t want to do?”

Carrie grinned, but felt only slightly relieved by his words.

“You taught me to let go and move on. That is exactly what I am doing. The relationship I had and the relationship that is going to last the rest of my life are entirely different. There is nothing about moving in with my fiancée that gives me any kind of reservation,” he assured, “I promise.”

Carrie shook her head in agreement, raised her glass and expressed, “To us!”

“To the future we were meant to have,” Johnathan added before clanking his class against Carrie’s again. “I love you, Carrie.”

“And I love you, Johnathan,” she exclaimed.

“Oh, and I have one more surprise for you,” Johnathan added after a moment of silence.

“There’s more?”

“Well, it’s more of an…in addition to…I booked us a room upstairs.”

“Wow, you were pretty confident in this, weren’t you?” Carrie teased.

“Well, I figured I couldn’t lose. If you said yes, we’d have a wonderful night, without any interruptions. If you said no, I’d have a place to wallow in my pity,” he sneered, and Carrie playfully swatted at his arm.

“You knew I was going to say yes!”

He shook his head, genuine in his response, “No. I was scared shitless.”

Carrie shook her head, “I would’ve thought you knew me better than that.”

With that, Johnathan’s eyes dropped to a seductive expression and the corner of his mouth curled up, into a suggestive expression.

“What do you say we go up to our hotel room and get to know one another, just a little bit better?”

Eager to show her fiancé just how pleased she was by the night’s turn of events, Carrie was nearly at the door of the restaurant before Johnathan had even finished his suggestion.

Johnathan met up with Carrie in the lobby, he hastily walks up to her and immediately takes her into his arms.

The two begin to kiss intermittently as they walk toward the elevator.

Waiting for the elevator, Cassie eagerly turns toward Johnathan and deepens the kiss. She wraps her arms around his neck and pulls herself close to him.

By the time the elevator arrives, the couple barely notices.

Yet, Johnathan has the presence of mind to guide Carrie back, into the elevator and close the doors before they make anyone uncomfortable.

The surge of the elevator going upward, along with the pressure of Johnathan pressing his muscular body against, her, makes Carrie’s heart start to race, while her stomach churns enthusiastically.

By the time the elevator doors open on their floor, neither of them cares about making anyone else uncomfortable. The two are too enamored in one another.

As soon as the door opens, Carrie presses Johnathan out, backing him up until his back hits the wall behind them.

Carrie giggles as Johnathan grasps her, yanking her up so that her legs can swing around his waist.

Continuing to deepen the kiss, secured in Johnathan’s arms, Carrie weaves her fingers through Johnathan’s hair, reveling in the familiar, yet erotic taste of him.

Together, the couple stagger down the corridor, until they reach their room number.

Johnathan already has the key in hand and as he presses Carrie against the door, his eyes drop to the key slot. He shoves the key into the slot and opens the door, seemingly in one movement.

Once inside, Johnathan closes the door again and swings Carrie around, so that they both land on the bed.

Carrie yells out and holds on tight to Johnathan, who chuckles as he separates himself from her, only to gaze down at her.

Johnathan takes in Carrie’s magnetizing beauty. The red dress that she had decided to wear tonight was stark against the soft, alabaster skin that lead to her cleavage. While her long hair flowed around her head, like a golden crown. Her lips, a deep rouge, were moist and puffy from Johnathan’s kiss and her chest heaved, regaining the breath that was lost during their intimacy.

Johnathan was breathing hard too, but instead of strain, his heightened breathing had to do with anticipation as the endorphins raged inside of him.

He grinned down at Carrie, while his hand came up, curving around her throat, while his lips pressed into the nape of her neck.

Carrie groaned, her pelvis already thrusting upwards, as she felt the rough stubble of her lover’s cheek against her skin.

Already feeling moisture lubricating her center, Carrie was easing her way toward Johnathan’s manhood.

She wanted him badly and her womanly aching wasn’t going to allow her to hold out for long.

Carrie longed to feel him inside of her, pulsing with long, thrusting motions eradicating any doubt of his affections for her, more with every strike.

Even now, lovemaking was the only time when Carrie felt that Johnathan was truly letting himself go.

He wasn’t one to lose control and Carrie never thought that he would be. There was always a sense of reservation and pause, hiding behind every motion that he made but when the two of them were together in this way; hearts beating as one, bodies connecting, and souls entwining, Carrie was certain that she was receiving a completely unbridled Johnathan.

Pulling him close to her, she groaned, as she felt his lips slowly inch down her neck and across her chest, heading toward her cleavage.

As his lips neared her breasts, she felt his fingers coil around the sleeves of her dress, dropping them off her shoulders.

When he drew closer to the valley of her cleavage, she felt his hands peel the form-fitting dress down, until he was able to expose her bosom.

With a prideful, almost animalistic growl, Johnathan pressed his face into the center of her breasts, before grasping one with his hand.

Carrie felt her body quake with excitement as she eased herself up, so that she was closer to him.

He grinned, almost devilishly at her, before the pad of his thumb carefully stoked the dark portion of her breast, surrounding her hardened nipple.

Carrie shuddered, moving to sit up, but Johnathan straddled her, making it clear that he was in control.

Looking up at him, Carrie simpered, while his free hand ran through her hair, before tracing her hairline and trailing down the side of her body. The light touch of his fingertips, tracing her body, brought chills, trailing behind his touch, while with each circular motion of his thumb, pressing against her breast, Carrie felt a quaking in her pelvis.

She groaned as Johnathan thrust himself against her, applying pressure in an area that caused Carrie to cry out.

Johnathan chuckled before running his thumb over her nipple.

Again, Carrie shuddered, crying out, as bolts of excitement rocketed through her body.

Johnathan then eased himself down, so that his lips were even with her breasts. Carrie closed her eyes and rocked her head back, as Johnathan took her nipple into his mouth, making the same circular motion, he had with his thumb, but now with his tongue.

Carrie’s heart was thrusting in her chest hard now, while the wetness between her legs readied her to receive him.

“Oh, my God…” Carrie moaned, feeling her heartrate palpitate harder as her eyes rolled back and her fist clasped a strong hold on the comforter.

Carrie swallowed hard, but her mouth was dry with anticipation and her body quivered with need.

After Johnathan had appropriately teased each of her breasts, his hands spread to either side of her, his large grip encasing her tiny waist.

His grip was warm and slightly calloused. Her skin yearned for his touch and as he eased himself down, he took the dress with him, until he was gently sliding it off her legs and onto the floor, leaving behind her naked body.

Carrie’s whole body felt like it was vibrating, instigated by his foreplay.

Carrie sat up slightly, propping herself on her forearms, as she watched Johnathan undress.

His solid body was revealed to her, causing her need to intensify immensely. With her eyes in an alluring, come hither glance, she eased herself closer to him; wanting to feel his heavenly body against her skin. She pressed her nakedness against him and her breasts, which were still moist from his attention, tingled with delight upon rubbing against his solid, visceral physique.

Although Johnathan had conformed to a more clean-cut version of himself, upon re-entering society, the mountain man Carrie had fallen in love with was still exactly the same, underneath his clothes.

The scent of his essence, the taught rope of muscles that slinked across his chest each time he moved and the line of hair that started right below the waistline of his pants, creating a V, inviting Carrie to his manliness hadn’t changed.

The sight of him always took her breath away, but with the knowledge that he had chosen her, that he wanted to marry her, made this moment even more impressive.

He is mine! She thought, hardly able to contain her enthusiasm.

After holding her against him for a short time, he eased Carrie back onto the bed, following her as he eased her legs apart. She simpered at him as he slid himself toward the apex of her legs.

Carrie moaned as she felt his manliness against her. His pulsing member was warm and inviting. Her body was ripe, ready to be ravaged.

Already immensely enthralled by the feeling of her touch, Johnathan wasn’t sure how long he would be able to hold out before he climaxed.

The thought of her becoming his wife, in addition to the sensual nature of their current position had what seemed like all his bodily fluids rushing toward his manliness.

Johnathan was nearly overwhelmed by the broken dam of emotions and sensations that were consuming him.

Rubbing himself against Carrie, he could feel that she too was abundantly ready for him.

Wetness welcomed him, as he eased himself against her, splitting the veil of her femininity, without fully penetrating it.

“Oh God!” Carrie shuddered, grabbing his arms, and thrusting herself against him, indicating once again that she was ready.

So, the next time Johnathan eased toward her, he penetrated her, thrusting himself deeply into her, which caused Carrie to yell out.

“Yes…” She called as he eased back, before thrusting forward again, hastily picking up speed.

Each time he slid deeper inside of her, Carrie squeezed his arms harder and moaned.

It wasn’t long before the two of them were rocking back and forth, almost to the point of overexertion, teetering on the brink of mutual climax, when suddenly, with one final push, Carrie screamed, as Johnathan’s love exploded inside of her.

After a few more motions, the couple was left dizzy, breathless, and intensely satisfied.

When they are finished, Carrie leans back on the pillow, feeling a sense of gratification that supersedes anything she had ever felt before.

She grinned, turned over and snuggled up close to Johnathan. Though she was completely exhausted and still working on catching her breath, she can’t seem to settle into slumber.

Carrie is too eager at the prospect of truly starting her new life with her mountain man.