My blood runs cold. She can only be talking about my Jenny, but I don’t remember any guy named Mike. Then again I didn’t ever really get to know any of her flings. There were more late night hook ups and they didn’t stick around for long enough for me to speak to them.
I glance at Tia out the corner of my eye wondering if I should tell the truth. Will Tia blame me too if she knows I was Jenny’s roommate, probably at the time they were both dating the same guy. Oh well, judging by the timing, definitely at the same time. Then again, do I want to start our potential friendship on a lie?
“I erm, I used to live with Jenny.” Tia shoots me a look, one that isn’t very impressed at all. “But I don’t remember anything about a Mike.”
A thick silence clings to the air for a moment, I wonder if everything is about to dissolve as quickly as it began, but then thankfully Tia’s face begins to thaw. “Oh well, I’m not surprised that you don’t know him. Mike is definitely a late night sort of guy... not like your Ben.”
I breathe out a sigh of relief. “I’m sure Jenny didn’t know about you either. She isn’t like that.” I don’t think anyway. I’ve never thought her to be that sort of person. “And Mike sounds like a loser. You’re better off without him.”
“Yeah, tell me about it. Now I’m just single, but it’s okay. I’m loving it.... oh...”
Her eyes travel over to where Ben is and by the way her expression pales I can tell it isn’t good. I almost don’t want to look myself, but my head turns regardless as if my body has a mind of it’s own. There I see a sight that makes my heart stop dead in my chest.
“Holy fuck,” I mutter in shock. “What the hell?”
He has the most obviously beautiful red haired woman with massive round balloon type breasts pressed up against him. While Ben doesn’t necessarily look impressed by what she’s doing, he isn’t doing anything to push her off either, and judging by the way she’s touching him in a very familiar way it seems that she’s definitely touched him before...
Possibly in a sexual way.
I feel frozen to the spot as I drink this sight in. I guess I always assumed that he had an extensive past, but having his past thrust into my present isn’t pleasant at all. It makes me see all the other women that he’s probably been with, every single one of them more beautiful than me. My insecurities fly to the surface, I feel shitty, like I don’t deserve Ben which is probably the truth of it. I don’t think I’ve ever been good enough for him.
“Who is that?” Tia rasps next to me. “Do you know her?”
“No,” I reply with tears in my eyes. “No I don’t know her at all.”
I want to be strong. I wish I could just take this on the chin and not think anything of it, but I can’t. Sickness swirls inside of me so violently that I fear it might burst free from my lips at any moment. The walls are closing in on me, panic is tearing through my veins, if I don’t get any breath into my lungs soon then I might just explode.
“I have to go to the bathroom.” I push past Tia with my vision blurring. “I’ll be back in a moment.”
I don’t look at anyone as I race through the bar at a million miles an hour. I keep my gaze on my feet. I do notice the tears splashing downwards, hitting my feet as I go but that doesn’t make me stop. I need to get into the bathroom, I need privacy, to feel everything that I’m experiencing inside.
I push the door open, gasping loudly and I practically fall into a stall. Once inside with the door locked I let the tears stream down my face. I’ve been kidding myself, living in a fantasy world, believing that everything is perfect. Inside Ben’s home it is, it really is, but when we bring us out into the real world it just isn’t anymore. We can’t hide away, I can’t day dream about getting married when surely soon enough this might all crash and burn. I need to think with more realism in my heart. This isn’t some fairy tale, it’s real life. I need to remember that.
“Hey!” a brass voice calls out as the door swings open. I rapidly brush away a couple of stray tears and suck in a breath. “Bar girl. Serena, or whatever your name is. You in here?”
My heart hammers rapidly, I don’t know what to do. Do I answer this unfamiliar voice or do I act like I’m not here? I assume it’s the red head which could mean that I’m about to have a very awkward conversation. Then again it might teach me more about the real Ben, not just the one that I’ve built up in my mind. If I’m going to go into this properly, with all the information to hand, then maybe that’s something I need to face.
“Y... yes,” I stammer as I try and clear up my face with a tissue. “I’m here.”
“Oh good.” I hear her body slam up against the bathroom door which makes me automatically take a step back. “Because I have something that I need to say to you. My name is Marie, you might know me I’m quite a famous glamour model around here.”
“Yes,” I lie since I haven’t actually got a clue who she is. “Okay.”
“Right, well I’ve just been speaking to Ben, who by the way I have been dating for years and years.” She’s an ex? I thought he didn’t have any girlfriends. Then again, maybe he’s a liar, I can’t totally rule that out yet. “And we last hooked up a few weeks ago. Probably just before he met you.” That honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach. I wretch over the toilet, but nothing comes out. “And he still wants me. I’m sure you can understand that, I mean you have seen me.” She laughs in a way that suggests she really believes it. “Of course he still wants me. He always comes back to me.”
“I...” I need to say something to defend myself. I can’t just take this lying down. I might be a pathetic weakling, but I don’t want her to know that. “He’s with me now.”
“Oh yeah, he just told me that, but that doesn’t mean anything. He always comes back to me. Always.”
I can’t take it anymore, I need to look her in the eye. I don’t want her to think that she’s totally got me beat. Even if she’s right, which there’s a good chance she might be, I need to come out of this with some for of dignity.
I push the door open, knocking her backwards which shocks her a bit and I stare into her eyes with a fire burning from me. “I don’t know who you are, Marie, but I’m telling you now that I don’t care what you say.”
“Try saying that without a shaky voice,” she laughs nastily. “Then maybe I might believe you.” She steps closer to me, towering over me in her sky high heels, and I have to admit that her overt sexiness has me intimidated. I feel like nothing. “Little girl, you might think that you’re the one to tame Ben, but you aren’t. He will soon get bored of you because you’re drab. He needs someone like me, someone beautiful and willing to let him go to do what he wants. We’re both free to be with other people but we always end up back together. He just can’t resist these lips.”
She stalks away from me, confident and tall leaving me like a deflated balloon. I want to sag right down, to collapse to the ground, my shaky legs almost do, but I just about manage to keep upright.
My eyes flicker over to the mirror and I examine the mess that I’ve become. My dark hair is chucked back into a messy bun that takes no effort, I have no make up on, my body is nothing like that of a glamour models... maybe Ben will get bored of me. Maybe he will go back to Marie, or someone like Marie. Am I kidding myself? Am I really being foolish?
It’s just lucky that I have my nest egg to keep me going if I need to move on. It isn’t much now, but it’s better than nothing. It’s a good job that I kept my position. If I had nothing then I would be really screwed right now.
I just need to get back out there with my head held high. That’s all. Screw Marie. I just need to look like I’m confident... even if I don’t feel it.
I suck in a deep breath and smooth my hair down, then I nod to myself. I have a job to do and it’s a job that I might need to keep more than ever. I need to just face the situation, whatever it might be.
Chapter Seventeen – Ben
Fucking Marie, honestly what a nightmare.
I shake my head as she finally climbs off me and on my command and walks away from me. It’s taken some real time to get her to realise that I’m actually with someone now and I’m not interested in her anymore. Even if something happened to destroy me and Serena I can’t see myself ever going back to her. She’s not attractive to me in any way now. I can’t see past the brashness and over the top nature of her look.
I take a massive swig and scan my eyes up to the bar. I hope Serena didn’t see Marie acting like a slut then, and if she did I want to explain so she doesn’t get freaked out, but she isn’t there. Tia is alone serving drinks. I don’t think too much about that, she could be clearing glasses, out in the cellar, or doing anything else... but then Marie swishes right past me with a smug look on her face.
“I guess I’ll be seeing you real soon then, Ben,” she purrs at me as she races past me in a cloud of overpowering perfume. “Real soon, judging by the conversation I just had.”
“What do you mean?” I call after her. “What conversation...?”
But it’s too late, she’s already gone, leaving me in a state of semi panic. Marie has a manipulative nature, she can twist anything into whatever she wants. I dread to think what she might have said... especially if she’s been talking to Serena who’s disappearance is now worrying me a lot.
I push my chair back and race to the bar to grab Tia’s attention. “Where’s Serena?” I ask. “I need to speak to her right now.”
The disapproving look that Tia gives me suggests that they both saw Marie draped all over me. That makes my heart sink even further. Things have been going so well with me and Serena, too well, the last thing I want is for this to mess things up.
“She’s gone to the bathroom. I think if you want to speak to her you should do so quickly before she gets even more upset. I have control of the bar here for a moment, go and make things right.”
I turn, just about ready to burst into the women’s bathroom without even thinking about it, but before I get anywhere Serena runs past me to the outside area. She doesn’t even look at me as she goes which suggests that Marie has said something terrible. I just hope that it isn’t completely unfixable.
“Shit,” I mutter, almost under my breath. “Fucking Marie.”
“Go,” Tia insists behind me. “Go now and make things right.”
I do as Tia commands, knowing that she’s right. The longer I leave Marie’s words to stew in Serena’s brain the worse they’ll become. As I move I curse myself for ever giving in to the primal urges that she used to have coursing through me. If I just ignored Marie all the times she followed me around and tried to get into my pants, things would be so much easier now. I can’t believe I ever let myself get with her. What a damn idiot.
“Serena!” I call out as soon as I reach outside. She isn’t anywhere immediately in sight, which I hope means she hasn’t run off too far. I don’t quite know how upset she is, I don’t know what’s been said. “Serena, where are you?”
I glance everywhere in sight, even peering behind the walls either side of the building. Finally I spot Serena slumped against a wall in the dark alleyway behind the club, weeping miserably. My heart bleeds, I hate that this has happened, and I like it even less that it’s my fault.
“Serena, oh my God, what happened?” I move closer to her and try to put an arm on her. She shakes me off quickly. “Serena, whatever Marie said to you... don’t think anything of it. She’s just bitchy like that.”
“Then why did you hook up with her?” She turns her head and gives me a sorrowful look, one that makes me hate absolutely everything that came in my life before her. “Is she right? Have you been together for ages?”
“Not together,” I close my eyes in frustration. “It isn’t like that. She just... we hooked up once then she started following me to events and...”
“But why did you continue to hook up with her? Is it because she’s beautiful? It is because she’s sexy? Is because she isn’t as boring as I am?”
“Boring?” I pull Serena around to face me and stare at her with utter seriousness. “Serena, I don’t think you understand, you really do captivate me. I don’t think there’s anything boring about you at all. I think you’re amazing.” I can tell that I need to be honest if I’m ever going to get anywhere with Serena. “Yes, I hooked up with Marie a few times, but that was never anything. There was never anything emotional there at all. She knows nothing about me at all. What we have is an emotional bond, you know me, I’ve talked to you about stuff. I’ve opened up to you. You’ve changed me for the better. What I feel for you is nothing like that... I think... I think I might...”
I can see her eyes widen in expectation. I want to say those three little words, they’re there, burning in the back of my throat, but something is blocking them from coming out. Maybe it’s just scary to finally open up that much... I don’t think I’m ready for it.
Instead I go in for a kiss.
At first, Serena seems resistant. She stands there with her hands firmly planted by her sides. I know she’s disappointed, I’m sure she wanted me to say those three words but I just can’t do it. I will, but when I’m ready. Eventually her hands move up my body and she plants them on my waist. She leans in closer to me and deepens the kiss. Thank God she’s forgiven me for whatever Marie said to her. It seems that she said Serena was boring and that I’ll always want her. Serena is about to learn just how wrong that is.
“Oh, Ben,” she murmurs as my mouth goes to her neck. I run my hands slowly up her torso and cup her breasts between my fingers. I squeeze lightly which causes her breaths to become shorter and more ragged.
I need her to understand, really understand, that it’s only her I want.
I slide one hand down, pinching her hip as I go and soon I make it to the waistband of her leggings. She rolls her hips towards me, pressing against my groin, seemingly totally unaware that we’re outside her work anymore. I don’t care, the more she forgets about the real world the better I can make her feel. All I want to do in this moment is make her feel amazing.
My fingers dip into her underwear and I brush past the hairs there edging myself closer and closer to the heat I can already feel emanating from her. My heart races as I wonder how soaking she is for me, the serene expression on her face suggests that she’s so turned on she could scream. There are people around us everywhere, but we’re tucked into a nook meaning that no one can see us. The risk of being caught is there without the actual threat. It’s the perfect, hot as hell, scenario.
I reach around and slide my fingers into her, pushing into her wetness until she gasps and clings to me. I know her body well now, almost better than I know my own and I know just how to turn her on. While I’d much rather spend a lot of time exploring all of her flushed, beautiful skin, I know that she needs to be quick because she needs to get back to work. I’m going to have to use all of my best tricks.
I flick over her clit with my thumb while dipping my fingers in and out of her. Serena’s walls tighten around my fingers, she grips onto me, keeping me there, encouraging me to move faster and harder inside of her. While the passion overcomes her, I watch Serena’s face, admiring her beauty. She’s absolutely gorgeous, naturally so. She’s absolutely the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever been with. I want to keep her, I don’t want anything to get in our way, not even my own insecurities.
I need to say it, however terrifying it is I have to find the words somehow.
She grinds against me, her whole body shuddering as the pressure builds. I move my hand in the way I know that she likes and she stiffens just before the sensations claim her completely. As she shatters and falls apart in my arms I make sure to hold her upright. Her legs have jellified, she can barely hold herself upright, and the last thing I want is for that beautiful ass of hers to hit the dirty ground out here. She’s my princess, far too good for that.
“Oh God, Ben,” she gasps into my mouth once she’s done. “That was amazing. How the hell am I supposed to go back to work now, after that?”
I pull my hand away from her and allow her to adjust herself. My chest swells, the words fill me, I can feel them trying to burst free. I need to say it. I can’t keep it in anymore, it’s almost too much for me.
“I love you.” The fall out of my mouth rapidly.
Serena’s head snaps towards me, her eyes are wide and terrified. For a moment I fear I might have said the wrong thing completely. I don’t want to freak her out with my feelings. But then her lips part and she finally speaks.
“You... you love me?” she stammers. I nod, trying to look more confident than I really feel. Now that she doesn’t look sure, I’m not too sure myself. “You know that I love you too, right?” She hooks her hands around my neck and places a kiss on my lips. “I never thought that I would say those words to anyone, but I do love you.”
Relief floods me and the bond between me and Serena tightens. As I hold her, the love flows between us. We love each other now, we’ve survived Marie, the worst thing that could ever happen to us, and we’ve got through it.
It can only be up and up from here.
“I hate that you have to go back to work now,” I tell her sadly. “All I want to do is scoop you up into my arms and to hold you tight to me. But I know you have to, Tia needs you and of course you like your job. I suppose I’ll just have to wait until you finish until I can get you into bed.”
There are stars in Serena’s eyes, she looks happier than I’ve ever seen her before which makes me just as pleased. All I want is to make her happy. I don’t think that sensation will ever subside.
“You don’t have to stay, you know?” she says while swinging my hands. The passion has transformed to romance in a heart beat which I surprisingly really like. “I don’t expect you to.”
“I know, but I’m going to. I like to watch you work. I love you.” I wonder if I’ll ever get tired of saying it. I don’t think I will.
“I love you too.” And hearing it is just as good. My ears want those words, all the damn time. I no longer have to worry that we’re moving to fast, it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks now. Me and Serena are in love and we’re moving at exactly the right pace for us.
Chapter Eighteen – Serena
“Are you okay?” Tia asks me cautiously for what feels like the hundredth time. “You don’t look great, Serena.”
“So you’ve told me,” I grumble back. My hand rubs my aching stomach and I gulp, trying to keep the sickness inside. “I don’t know really. I’m sort of okay. I mean, I don’t think I’m sick enough not to be at work, but I definitely don’t feel like myself.”
“You’re, like, nauseous?” Tia rubs my arm gently. “And a little dizzy? Your stomach hurts too?”
“Yeah I guess so.” I shrug. “Why is there something going around?”
“Go home,” she insists quickly. “I’ll get Brian to cover your shift. He’s been begging for overtime anyway. I think what you need to do is go home, rest, and think.”
“Why? What’s wrong with me?” Her urgent tone makes me panic. I suddenly fear that there’s some alien virus that’s racing through my body too fast for me to stop it. “Do I need to see a doctor?”
“Maybe.” She steps in closer to me and whispers into my ear so no one else can hear me. “But on your way home I think you might want to stop off at the drug store. You might need to pick up a pregnancy test... just to be sure.”
“No,” I shoot back immediately. Denial fills my body completely. “There’s no way I can be...” My words trail off when I realise that me and Ben have been stupid in a lot of ways. We haven’t always used protection, sometimes... okay, a lot of the time, in the heat of the moment we forget. I cringe, realising that I should have always insisted on it. What sort of woman doesn’t insist on protecting herself?
My hand falls away from my belly as I realise that I might just be holding a baby in there... one I didn’t recognise before. Is it possible that there might be an actual human life inside of me? How could I not know? Surely I should know?
“Oh my God, Tia,” I gasp. “What if I’m pregnant?”
“You might not be,” she retracts a little once she sees how freaked out I am. “But I think you should do a test, just to rule out the possibility.”
I give her a desperate look, wishing that she could just have all the answers for me. I don’t like this unknown, it’s utterly terrifying, my head is all over the place and I guess it will be until I get the truth. “Are you sure Brian will come in?”
Tia nods. “Just go, Serena. Go and find out for sure.”
As I head into the back room to grab my coat and bag I see that my hand is shaking. I’m so nervous, it’s probably a good thing that Ben isn’t here tonight. He had some big business meeting which I’m so grateful for. There’s no way I’d be able to deal with all of this with him here. It’d be too much.
Oh God, Ben... how will he take the news?
I shake my head, refusing to get stuck on that thought until I know for sure. There’s just no way I can get lost down that rabbit hole of thought until I’ve seen that positive pregnancy test. All of this worry could be for nothing. There’s a big chance that I’m just sick, that it’s nothing more.
But somehow, I feel like I know...
“Bye, Tia,” I gush as I leave. She’s on the phone, probably calling Brian. I hope he comes in, I don’t want her to be left by herself, but right now this isn’t my top priority. Right now, I need to get to the nearest late night drug store.
I race through the busy streets, refusing to look at anyone as I go. I’m sure there’s a place on the corner that I might be able to get something from. My mind is on the prize, I can’t even consider anything else. My heart is racing, my stomach is churning, there’s an aching in my womb which right now feels suspiciously like a baby. Not that I know what it feels like to have a baby inside me of course. I’ve never been in this position before.
Oh thank God. The store is open so I rush inside. I head straight for the family planning aisle where I grab a handful of pregnancy tests. I know myself well enough to know that one won’t be enough. I won’t trust it if it does turn out positive. I need to be on the safe side. My eyes flick up to the sweaty, spotty teenage boy behind the counter and wonder how much he’s going to judge me. He probably sees things like this all the time, but not from me... maybe I should grab a few extra things, just so I don’t look like I’m just here for this.
Oh screw it, I am only here for this.
I decide to forgo embarrassment and to just go for it. Who the hell cares what this kid thinks of me? It isn’t like I’m going to see him ever again, I certainly don’t intend to make a habit of this. If the test turns out negative then I will always insist on protection. I won’t get into this pickle again, if I intend to get pregnant, that’s the only moment I will have sex with nothing.
“Here,” I grumble, chucking the boxes on the counter. “Can I get these?”
The boy doesn’t even look at me, much to my relief. He rings the items up and gives me the price. He must be more used to this than I thought. Maybe I’m the least interesting desperate pregnant lady that he’s ever come across. If that’s the case, then I’m actually glad to be boring.
With my paper bag of shame clutched to my chest, I break free from the drug store and I jump into a cab. Usually I would walk or get Ben to call me a car to get to his home, but I need to get back quickly and discretely. It’s worth the money for the cab so I can do these tests in the privacy of Ben’s bathroom... God, this situation is fucked up.
I shake my knees nervously all the drive along. The guy driving the cab probably thinks I’m a real weirdo. I don’t care though, I feel weird myself. It’s almost like I’m having an out of body experience, like I’m looking down at myself wondering how I managed to get myself in such a total mess.
Once I arrive at Ben’s, I leap out of the car and hand the driver the cash to pay for the ride. Then I race to the front door and I push my way inside. I pause for a second, listening out for any signs that anyone else is in but there’s a silence ringing through the house that suggests I’m alone. Thank goodness.
As I run to the bathroom I pull my cell phone out and I call the only person in the world that I want to discuss this with. I haven’t told her anything yet, I haven’t managed to speak to her since Ben finally said the L word to me, so this will come as a surprise, but I still want to chat with her.
I just hope that she answers.
Ring, ring... Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
“Hello? Serena, everything okay? Why are you ringing me so late?”
“Shit.” I look at the clock, it’s just gone one in the morning, Jenny was probably asleep. “Sorry, I didn’t look at the time.”
“It’s okay, I wasn’t quite in bed yet, I’ve just finished performing. What’s going on with you? You sound all... panicked.”
I lock myself in the bathroom, then I whisper my next words. “I think I might be pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” she screams on the other end. It’s a good job Ben isn’t it. Even if he didn’t hear me, he would have heard that wherever he is in the house. “You’re pregnant? But how? I didn’t even know you were dating anyone? What happened?”
“I... I am dating someone. Sort of.” God this is hard to explain. How do I say it aloud? “There’s a guy who I met at the club, on my first night of work actually.”
“Ooh, a rich guy.” Of course Jenny’s impressed with that bit. I know Ben has a lot of money but I guess I don’t really see him that way. He’s just Ben to me, I would like him whatever his bank statement was. “Nice!”
“Well I moved in with him when you left...”
“Wait, what?” Jenny sounds much less pleased now. “You moved in with him? But you must have known him for less than a week.”
“I know, it’s a bit weird, but it’s good. Really good.” I smile to myself. “We’re in love now. I love him.”
Jenny pauses for a second and I brace myself for the lecture that I’m already sure is coming. “Serena, I don’t know if I like this. It sounds a bit... crazy to me.”
“I know, but...” I try to interject, but Jenny isn’t about to let me get my words in.
“Serena, I think you have a bit of a dreamy nature.” She means naïve, I just know it. “And I think that might make you fall a bit too fast. You can’t have known one another more than, what, two months now? In total. And you love each other? Do you even know this guy? What if he’s one of those that falls fast then gets bored?”
There it is, my big fear back to torment me some more. I’m boring, much too boring for a man like Ben. My heart sinks as Jenny says this to me. Her opinion means way more to me than that of some chick that I don’t even know. Marie had an agenda. Jenny only cares about my well being.
“Oh God, and now you’re pregnant.”
“Right.” The purpose of this phone call comes flooding back. “Yes, I mean I don’t know. But maybe. I have all these tests and, well I wanted to speak to you as I took them so I’m not alone. If you weren’t out on the ocean somewhere you would be doing this with me anyway, right?”
“Er, yeah sure.” She really doesn’t sound happy. Maybe this phone call was a bad idea. I don’t want to be dragged further down into this pit of terror. “I’m glad I can be here for you. How many tests did you buy?”
“You know me too well.” I count them all. “I have seven.”
“Well that’s a bit extreme, but let’s do this.”
“Hold on.” I open one of the boxes and pull out the endless stream of paper inside. “I just have to read the instructions first,”
“You don’t. Don’t bother reading it, just get out some of the tests, pee on the end. If there’s a plus sign, there’s a baby in you.”
“Sounds so simple,” I say weakly. “Pee on it, your life might be changed forever. Awesome.”
“Don’t panic so much. Just do it.”
“I’ll put the phone outside the door, I’m sure you don’t want to hear me peeing. Just.. don’t hang up okay? I need you.”
With Jenny’s promise to wait for me I do as she said. I take three of the tests, leaving some for another try if I think I need it, and I sit on the toilet. My heart races as pee flows from my body. This is terrifying, I don’t know what the outcome is going to be, and I don’t know how I feel about it either. I mean, can I even see myself with a baby in my arms? Ben’s baby at that?
A smile spread across my cheeks, almost as if I can’t help it. That image in my brain, it isn’t as bad as I thought it might be after all...
Chapter Nineteen – Ben
I’m fucking pissed off. Furious, actually. That was the worst meeting with my accountant that I’ve ever had. I can see now that putting it off all day long and turning it into a late night meeting with drinks and dinner was a terrible idea. I cannot go to sleep with all that bad news circling my brain.
Things are going downhill. We’re losing clients and money rapidly and I know what the reason is. It’s me, I’m the key to the success of the company. Without me, everything falls apart. I’ve been delegating to others because I’ve been distracted with everything Serena, and if I carry on down this route I’m going to lose everything. I need to tell her, once she gets home from work at the bar tonight I need to sit her down and tell her that I cannot spend so much time with her, I can’t keep getting distracted. We need to take a step back from one another and start focusing on our lives around one another.
I’m starting to think now that things have been moving too fast after all. All this racing to move in together, all this rush to say I love you.... it’s crazy. I can’t believe I’ve gotten so out of control. I’ve allowed myself to get sucked in by the romance of it all, the heady excitement of brand new romance. I’ve acted foolish and now it’s time to get back to what’s important. I need to keep my company on track because that’s been my life for far too long. Serena has gotten under my skin, even more so than Ally did, and now I need to step away from that.
I won’t make her move out, I know she still needs somewhere to stay, but she needs to leave my bedroom, then we can live more separate lives for a while. We just need to take things slower.
As I push the door to my home open, I can see all the lights already on. Someone’s already here, and it has to be Serena. She must have left work early for some reason. Good, the sooner I can get this all out the better.
“Serena?” I yell angrily, slamming the door behind me. “Serena, are you here?”
“Coming.” Her tone is jovial and sweet which makes me feel terrible for the fact that I’m about to shatter it, but I have to do this for the good of my work. “Hold on.”
She floats down the stairs in a nightdress and a lovely smile on her face. Her flushed cheeks and bright sparkly eyes are already getting to me. I can feel my resolve weakening.
“Hi, Ben.” She pulls herself up towards me and presses a kiss on my lips. “I’m glad you’re home. I have something that I need to speak to you about actually.”
“Oh right. Yeah, me too.” I follow her into the living room with my head spinning. Maybe I should just let her get her stuff out first because once I start speaking I have no idea what direction things will take.
We both sit down, her on the couch and me on the chair, and we stare at each other. I don’t know what’s going on behind her eyes, there’s something a bit manic in her expression. It’s so much that I actually forget about my thing for a moment.
“What’s going on, Serena?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” she admits coyly. “I know it’s a bit of a weird one but I just need to get it out.” As she takes in a deep breath my heart constricts. I panic about what she’s going to say. “I haven’t been feeling great recently, so I decided to check just in case. I brought a test, and well... I...” She pulls out something from her pocket, five things actually, and she flashes them at me as if I’m supposed to know what that means.
“What are you showing me?” I ask breathlessly. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s a pregnancy test. Well, a few actually, it seems that we’re having a baby!”
The world falls out from underneath me. I feel my head spinning and my butt sliding off the seat. This is utterly insane, the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me. One minute I’m planning to tell Serena that we need to take time apart from one another and the next minute she’s ripping the rug out from underneath my feet. How can I focus on the business? How can I make things better if I’m a father? It’s just not possible.
“Are you sure?” I hear myself rasp. As I look at her she’s blurry, fear has me semi blind.
She points to the tests. “Yeah, pretty sure, I had to take a few tests to be certain, but yeah I’m definitely pregnant. We’re having a baby, which I suppose makes sense because we weren’t always careful.”
She’s right. We didn’t always use protection, with Serena I haven’t been as careful as I always am with everyone else, but I didn’t think this was going to happen. If I did then I wouldn’t have acted so rashly.
“This is too soon.” I shake my head rapidly from side to side. “We can’t do this.”
“What are you saying?” Serena sounds hurt like she actually expected me to react differently to this news. “What do you mean, Ben? Did you hear what I said? We’re having a baby.”
“Don’t keep saying it,” I insist as I squeeze my eyes shut. “Don’t remind me. This is... it’s horrible. This has got to be the worst news ever.”
Serena stands up now and the flush on her cheeks is so clearly from anger. “This is a baby. How the hell can you say it’s the worst news ever?” Her eyes fill with tears, but I don’t feel anything for her. I’m not empathetic or sympathetic. I’m nothing. I’m numb, separate. This is nothing to do with me. “Are you serious?”
“Serena, we barely know each other.” I push myself into a standing position too, then I can’t stand still, my itchy feet need to move so I pace up and down. “I don’t know you, you don’t know me... we can’t have a baby together this is too much.”
“I was shocked at first,” she tries kindly. “But now I’m really happy about it. I just keep thinking that while everything that’s happened between us has been a bit crazy and unexpected, it’s all worked out well in the end. Maybe it’s fast for other people but for us it seems right. We can do this, we can be together, we can have this baby...” She grabs onto my hands and stares deeply into my eyes. “Together, it’ll be perfect.”
For a moment, I lose myself in the picture she’s presenting to me. I allow myself to see what she sees. Me and her with a little bundle of joy that will bring us everything that we’ve ever wanted. It’s a nice image, but it’s idealistic, and I can’t cave to that.
“No.” I snatch my hands away. “No, Serena, I can’t do that. My business, it’s struggling without me. I need to give it more focus. I came here tonight to tell you that I need to take a step back from us so I can focus on work more. I can’t keep doing this.” I wave my hands above my head, in a frustrated manner. “Then you come at me with this. It’s almost like you’ve done it on purpose.”
“On purpose? You think I got pregnant on purpose?” Now she’s really mad. “Look, this isn’t what I was expecting either, but we’re both equally responsible.” She steps back from me and runs her eyes up and down me like she no longer likes what she sees. “I cannot believe you’re pushing me away. No wonder you can’t ever make a relationship last.”
“This isn’t a relationship.” The fire burns brightly in me now, everything that I’m angry about floats to the surface. “This is just two people playing house until something better comes along.”
Maybe I don’t quite mean that as it sounds, but that’s how it comes out anyway. Serena moves away from me like I’ve slapped her in the face. “Well I’m sorry that I’m not the something better you want. I’m sorry that me and my baby are an inconvenience to you. Well don’t worry, you don’t have to play house with me anymore.”
She turns on her heels and races back up the stairs, I can hear her thundering footsteps. My breaths fall raggedly out of my mouth, my head spins as the emotions drain from me. I know I should probably go and speak to Serena, to try and make things right, but for now I just want her to go. I don’t want to resolve things because I don’t want her around anymore.
I slump backwards onto the couch and slide my eyes closed. Images of babies and baby clothing, mess and bottles, crying ad late nights, dirty diapers and illness... they all fill my mind and make me feel sick. How can I have it all? I can’t be a father with someone who, quite frankly, I hardly know. I can’t be responsible for human life and run my business all at once. This isn’t the right time.
With a weary sigh I push myself up. I don’t want to see Serena again, at least for the time being, but I do need to make sure this issue is resolved before she leaves. I hang about at the bottom of the stairs just waiting for her to come back down. I know she won’t wait up there forever, she’s leaving, she has too much pride to stay.
Eventually, with a thick coat on her and jeans donning her legs now, she moves back down the stairs. She’s carrying a heavy suitcase, one I should probably offer to take from her, but I don’t. I wait with my hand stuffed into my pockets.
“Look, Serena. I think we need to be smart about this,” I say quietly. “I think we need to think about our options here. How about tomorrow morning I book you an appointment at one of those clinics? I’ll pay for it of course, like you said we’re equally responsible.”
She recoils in horror and clutches her hand protectively to her stomach. “One of those clinics? You mean an abortion clinic? You think I should get rid of this baby?”
“It just isn’t the right time,” I offer up. “And I do think we should get to know one another properly first. This has just highlighted that, hasn’t it?”
“I cannot believe you.” Tears fill her eyes. “I actually cannot believe you. I guess you’re right... I don’t know you at all. If you thought I would give up my baby then you don’t know me either.”
She pushes past me and gets to the front door. Her hand rests on the handle where she leaves it for just a moment. I can see her thinking, and I’m also pretty sure that I see a tear splashing to the ground beneath her. I want to comfort her, but at the same time I think she’s in the wrong too. I can’t believe that she won’t even try to see things from my perspective. How is it fair that I’m going to be forced to be a father, even thought I don’t want to be?
“I’m sorry it’s ended this way,” Serena says though gritted teeth. “I am grateful for everything that you’ve done for me, but this is something that we’ll never agree on. For now, this is it.”
She leaves and I have a hollow sensation in my chest but I know that I’ve done the right thing. My business has always come first and that’s just the way it needs to be. If I want success, then I don’t have a choice and success has always been my number one priority.
Chapter Twenty – Serena
“Thank you for letting me stay, Tia, I really appreciate it,” I tell her sadly. “It means a lot to me that you would do that.”
“Serena, it’s been a week. You don’t have to thank me every day.” She glances down at my cell phone, clutched tightly between my fingers. “Still no news, huh?”
When I first turned up at Tia’s house in the middle of the night with the positive pregnancy test that she’d told me to buy, she welcomed me in with open arms. I told her it wouldn’t be for long, just until Ben saw sense and apologised but that hasn’t happened yet. He’s being stubborn. It has to be that, he can’t really want me to get rid of my baby, can he?
I rub my belly, despite the fact that there’s only a tiny little bump there, and I feel a wash of moroseness again. After I got over the initial shock, I realised how happy I am to become a Mom. Especially to Ben’s baby. How does he not feel the same? Maybe I should have listened to Marie’s warning more than I did.
“No news yet. I’m sure there will be soon, and if not I’ll get off your couch anyway. I’m sure you want your home back.”
“Where will you go?” Tia gives me a curious look. “I mean, I’m happy for you to stay as long as you need to, but I’m sure you aren’t comfortable on the couch. And what with my roommates...”
“Yeah, I know, it’s uncomfortable,” I sigh deeply. “I have a doctor’s appointment today, an ultrasound for the baby, so I guess what I’ll do is message Ben, let him know, see what he thinks when he comes to the appointment, then go from there... I suppose I could always go home to my parents.”
There is it, the dreaded fate that I’ve been trying to avoid ever since I first set foot in the city. The idea has always been there, nipping at my heels, reminding me that everything might not stay great forever and now the possibility is becoming all too real. I might actually have to face it. With a baby in my belly and no wedding ring on my finger. That’s going to go down really well. At least I’d get to see Ethan, I suppose. It’s been a very long time since I saw my baby brother. I wonder how much he’s grown...
“Ring him now,” Tia insists, shaking me from my thoughts. “Ring Ben, see if he wants to come with you.”
I scroll through the names in my phone until I find his, then I hover my finger over it for a moment. There’s a part of me that’s absolutely desperate to speak to him, I really want to hear his voice again even if he isn’t saying pleasant words to me. I really want to know how he’s feeling, a bit of my suspects that he might not be calling me because he’s too proud, too scared that I might yell at him... but what if he isn’t? What if he just doesn’t want anything more to do with me?
“I think I’ll text him,” I say without meeting Tia’s eyes for fear of the judgement that I just know will be there. “It’s easier, it makes things more casual and I don’t want to disturb him if he’s at work. That’s why all of this happened after all, because he’s so busy at his job.”
“Alright, if you’re sure that’s wise.” Tia moves out from the living room and heads towards her bedroom. As she goes, I feel jealous. I miss having a bedroom to go and lock myself in. This whole living on the couch of other people just isn’t working for me.
I need to make some changes.
‘Ben, I have an appointment today at the hospital. I will be outside there at eleven AM if you want to come. Serena.’
After I hit send I wonder if that’s a bit harsh. I read and re read the words but they don’t get any better. It hardly matters though, I suppose, I’ve said what I need to say and that’s all that’s important. Ben just needs to know where I’ll be and when. That gives him the option then, he knows what is going on. There isn’t any way that he can blame me for not letting him know what was going on.
I wait for a moment, but of course I don’t get anything back. I would like to think that he’s just in a meeting or he’s digesting the information, but in reality I know that he’s just ignoring me. The rose tinted goggles that made me see everything like a fairy tale are long gone. Nothing is magical, nothing is perfect, there are no Prince Charming’s, no adventures going to fall into my lap. Everything that’s happened to me has done so because I’ve sat back and waited... naively.
I can’t even call Jenny anymore because she’ll say I told you so. She’ll also not be too pleased that I’m staying with Tia, I imagine since they have a bit of a history. I don’t know. I just don’t want to worry her anymore than I already have. I can’t be that selfish. She’s out there living the dream, enjoying her life. She doesn’t need that ruined by me. I got myself into this mess, somehow I need to get myself out of it.
But first, I need to get dressed. I have a doctor’s appointment to get to. Despite all of this bullshit with Ben, I’m excited to see my baby on that screen for the very first time.
“It’s just you and me, I guess,” I say to my bump. “I mean, he might show, but I don’t think he will.”
I wonder if he’d turn up to the abortion clinic. Maybe he’d be more keen to see that happen. I still cannot believe he said that, it makes me feel ill. I can’t think about that today, I just can’t. I need to focus. It’s only my baby that matters now...
***
My cheeks sting with cold as I enter the hospital room. After humiliatingly waiting outside until the very last moment, just for Ben not to turn up, I’m now the tiniest bit late and I’m angry and upset too. How can he just not be here? After everything that’s happened, I still thought he’d turn up. This is his baby’s ultrasound after all.
But no, he doesn’t care. Not enough to be here.
“Hello there,” the friendly looking doctor says to me with a smile. Her light brown hair is pulled into a stark looking bun which makes her look a bit fierce to be honest. Her grin is nice enough though so maybe I shouldn’t judge. “How are you feeling today?”
“Oh, fine,” I say as I take my seat. There’s no point in telling her the whole messy truth. “Bit tired, but aside from that.” I shrug because I don’t want to get into it too much.
“How is your morning sickness? Have you had much in your first trimester?”
“I’ve been feeling very sick, but I haven’t had much vomit to be honest.”
“Okay.” She types something on the computer for a moment and I can’t help but wonder if my lack of sickness is that interesting. “And how have you been in yourself?”
Dreadful, miserable, lonely... I don’t think that’s what she wants to know. “Okay generally. Not too bad.”
“Good, good. Right well if you just hop up onto the bed then I’ll perform the ultrasound. We can take a little look at your little man or girl.”
“Will I find out the gender today?” I don’t even know if I want to. I haven’t much thought about it yet.
“No, we can’t do that just yet, the picture won’t be clear enough. If you want to know, you will have to wait until you’re twenty weeks in.”
“Half way?” That’s so far away. Now I really want to know. “Okay, fair enough.”
I lie on the table and pull my top up to reveal my slightly swollen belly. The doctor pours some extremely cold jelly across me which instantly makes me shiver. Then she grabs a white device that’s attached to an old fashioned looking computer screen.
“Right, let’s do this.”
The doctor smiles down at me one more time and I try to match her expression but all I can really focus on is the fact that Ben isn’t here. He should be, but he’s not. He’s missing out on one of the biggest moments in his baby’s life.
Maybe he’s never going to be around.
“The heart beat is strong,” the doctor mumbles as she rubs the machine across me. A black and white grainy image pops up, but I can’t yet see anything that resembles a baby. “Really strong. Actually that might be a bit erratic...”
I tune her out as she speaks and just watch the screen fascinated. Ben flows from my mind as well, if he cannot be bothered to be here then that truly is his own problem. If he isn’t interested in this wonderful miracle of life that he’s created, then that’s up to him. Right now, all I care about is the gorgeous little being inside of me.
There’s a stirring and lots of shapes but nothing I can quite make out. Still I stare at the screen as if it’s the most amazing thing in the world. It’s my insides, how weird is that? It’s a part of me that I never thought I would see and although I can’t quite tell what it is, it hardly matters now.
“Yep, just as I suspected.” All of a sudden, the doctor pulls me from my thoughts. “There are two babies in there.”
“T... two?” I stammer awkwardly. “What do you mean, two?”
“Twins.” She says this in such a matter of fact tone that it makes my heart stop dead in my chest. “Are there any twins in your family? It usually runs through.”
“I don’t think so.” I shake my head. If there were I would know about it.
“And what about the father of the babies? Does he?”
It hits me how little we know about each other. Of all the awful things that Ben said to me, that’s the one that’s stuck. We don’t know anything really, we just got stuck in a bubble We told each other little things and convinced ourselves that we were opening up.
What me and Ben had was a sham.
“I’m not sure,” I admit. “Are they identical?”
“Again that’s something we don’t know at this stage, so I can’t tell you that I’m afraid.” I think she can tell by the look on my face that I’m not quite okay with this. “Would you like me to give you some literature so you can read through it? Get more used to the idea of having twins. The pregnancy will be different and so will the birth. It might be better to be well informed.”
“Yes please,” I gasp back. “Thank you.”
What do I do now? Do I tell Ben? On the one hand if he doesn’t want one baby he definitely won’t want two, but if I keep it from him am I the bad person? I want to let him know everything so I can’t be blamed for everything, but this is heavy. I just don’t know.
I take the information from the doctor and thank her in a blur. Then I stagger out of the hospital in a real state of shock. I suppose if I’m going to tell Ben then I need to do it now. Before all sensibilities kick in and I absolutely lose it.
Twins... that changes everything. Now I really need to get myself in order. There’s no more waiting around now. I have to do something drastic and quickly.
Chapter Twenty One – Ben
“Dude, your phone has been ringing for hours,” Kyle slurs drunkenly at me over the music. “Are you going to answer it or can you turn it off already?”
I don’t know why I’m out with Kyle actually, I’ve realised that I don’t really like him much, but he’s one of the clients that’s stuck around so I have to treat him right. I want to get out anyway, aside from working all I want to do is party and have fun at the moment. I need to forget the weird little new life that I created for myself, the one that ended in utter disaster. I need to get back to just being me. This is what I do, drinking, dancing, fucking around... this is more me. It’s good to have that side of me back. Or at least some of it.
“Oh, it’s Mom,” I slur back as I stand up. “I better give her a call back.”
Kyle barely pays any attention to me, he’s too busy trying to get into the pants of the bar maid who’s much too young for him and definitely not interested, so I leave without saying anything more. He barely needs me with him to be honest, I don’t know why I came.
I pick up as soon as I get outside into the fresh air and a bit of silence, but I don’t even manage to say anything before she starts of on a rant that must have been building for hours.
“Ben, what the hell is going on with you? I’ve been trying to ring you for two days.”
“Been busy,” I shoot back in a pathetic, snappy tone. “You know how it is.”
“Busy? Sounds like you’re out drinking to me. What is going on with you?”
“Nothing, Mom. I’m just focusing on getting the business back on track. Things slid for a while because I was distracted but it’s all good now. I’m only out now because I’m entertaining a client.” Why I feel the need to explain myself I’ll never know. That’s just the effect that Mom has on me. “It’s all good, Mom. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“The business.” She sounds resigned. “And how does Serena feel about you spending all your time working and drinking again? I’m sure she’s very pleased. And when will I get to meet her? You promised me that I would soon but I’ve got nothing from you.”
My heart aches at her words. She’s talking about a life I don’t have anymore, a version of myself that I had to sacrifice for my business. Much as I know I did the right thing, I know Mom won’t get it. I don’t even know how to explain it all to her. I’m going to have to leave some certain details out. The baby, for instance. I cannot tell her that.
“Me and Serena are no more, Mom, so it’s probably a good job you never met her.” I kick a stone on the floor as I speak. I feel childish and silly, but the booze has loosened my tongue slightly. “I don’t know what I was thinking with her really. It was obvious from the start that we were never going to be. We couldn’t last because we are just too different.”
“Oh, Ben.” Mom sounds sad for me now. I think there’s some pity there which I really don’t need. “Why do you always have to put the company first? If you’re having some troubles, hire some better management staff. Or scale back just a little bit, or even a lot, you can now. You’ve made more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of your life. I don’t know why you can’t focus on other things now. It seems silly to me.”
I rub my forehead hard. “Mom, you don’t get it and you’re never going to get it. I work because I have to, I can’t have all these distractions. I’m young anyway, twenty eight years old, I don’t need to be thinking about girlfriends, or marriage, or babies...”
“Babies?” Shit, I’ve said the magic word and Mom has leapt on it. “Was there a baby in the picture? Ben, you better tell me if there was.”
I can’t tell her, but I can’t lie to her either, so instead I change the subject to get her off the phone. “Mom, I can’t talk about this right now. I’m in a business meeting like I said. Can we discuss it another time? Please?” I need her to listen, I’m desperate for her to just get it.
“I’ll come and visit you then, alright?” She’s giving in, thank goodness.
“Fine, whatever. See you then. Bye.”
Once I hang up the phone, my head falls into my hands. A deep wave of regret washes over me. I wish I could split myself into two different people; one to do the things that I need to do, the work, the business, taking care of the money, and one to do the things that I want to do. That version of me could be with Serena, could be a dad, and could just be happy.
Unfortunately, that’s simply impossible.
I scroll through the numbers in my phone, all ready to call her in my slightly drunken state, but before I do a symbol at the top of the screen catches my eye. The voice mail symbol. Loads of people have been calling me, it could be anyone. I decide to have a listen just as a moment of procrastination. Maybe I need a time out so I don’t do anything rash.
“Hi, Ben.” Holy fuck, it’s her on the other end of the voice mail. Instantly I sit up straighter and I run my hands through my hair. “I... I just went in for my ultrasound today, the one I text you about earlier.” Shit, I didn’t see that message, but I haven’t been looking at anything on my phone. I don’t know if I would’ve gone had I seen it though. That’s a bit too real. “And I know you don’t want to know, you’ve made that much obvious over and over again, but I think you deserve this bit of information. It’s twins.”
“Twins?” I mutter in shock as my cell phone clatters to the ground. Twins? I do have twins in my family, but none directly linked to me. I never thought that would happen, but Serena wouldn’t say that for attention, I’m sure of it. It’s a lie that could so easily be unravelled.
Now I’m not only having one baby. I’m having two.
“Shit, fucking hell.” I press my palms into my eyes, trying to work out what I’m going to do next. Now that it’s twins I definitely should step up, I should be a dad no matter what I think about it. I can’t leave Serena to do this by herself, what sort of man would that make me? Just because I grew up without a father, doesn’t mean my children need to do the same. My dad didn’t mean to leave me, I would be doing it on purpose, that’s the difference.
I need to go home, I have to sober up, then tomorrow it’s time to do the right thing.
So why the hell are my feet headed back into the bar?
“Fucking shots!” I yell to Kyle and the bar maid as soon as I get back inside. People turn to stare at me but I don’t care. “I need shots and lots of them. Keep them coming.”
“Oh if we’re getting shots we should go to CeeLow,” Kyle says excitedly. “Then we can have those sexy shot girls all around us, teasing us all night long.”
Maybe Serena doesn’t work there anymore, maybe after finding out about the baby she quit her job, but I can’t risk it. I don’t want to go anywhere that she might be. I don’t want to see her, and especially not now. I couldn’t face her, it’s all too much.
“No,” I growl angrily. “Let’s have shots here. It’s nice here and there are plenty of gorgeous chicks to keep us going.” I grab some faceless blonde girl next to me and plant a wet sloppy kiss on her lips. She squeals but with glee. She probably wants me. To prove what sort of man I am I also grab her friend and do the same. I don’t want anyone to get any funny ideas. “See, we can have all the fun right here. You want that, right?”
As Kyle agrees a little begrudgingly, I scan my eyes around. I need to find some chick worth burying myself in tonight – protected, of course, I will never make that mistake again! I need someone to help me forget...
“Ah, you are here,” a voice purrs. “What a surprise, it seems that the loved up Ben is gone and my Ben is back.”
Marie. Perfect. Just fucking perfect.
***
“Urgh, fucking hell,” I groan as my eyes slowly slide open. My head pounds, my stomach churns, I feel incredibly sensitive to everything. “What happened last night?”
“Don’t you remember?” A giggling voice replies, shocking me. I guess I’m not as alone in my bed as I thought I was which instantly spells trouble. “It was a whole lot of fun.”
Flashes come back to me, a lot of them involving Marie which isn’t good news. Going back to her would ensure that Serena never looked at me again. Not that I want her to, I just don’t want the possibility completely ruled out. Just in case. I don’t want Marie any more anyway, I decided that. I hope I haven’t gone back on my idea instantly. She’ll never damn well leave me alone ever again. I’ll create an even worse stalker than before.
“Yeah, it was amazing.”
Huh. Another voice. As I finally brave looking down into my bed I see a blonde and a girl with light brown hair lying there next to me, both very naked and both sexy as hell. It’s clear we had a threesome last night, which would normally be very awesome, I love a good threesome, but today leaves my brain foggy and my body a bit disgusted in myself.
At least it isn’t Marie, that’s the one god thing. Maybe it’s the girls from the bar.
“Maybe we should do something to respark his memory.” The blonde hops up onto her hands and knees and starts crawling towards me. I wait for something to ignite in my downstairs area, but nothing happens. I don’t want this, and not just because I feel ill. Not now. “What do you think we can do to make him remember?”
“Oh well I particularly like sucking on him,” the other girl suggests with a cheeky smile and a wink. “Maybe that should happen again, that was a lot of fun last night...”
I need to stop this now, before it spirals out of control. Last night I wanted to be surrounded by people but now I just need to be alone.
“I’m going to be a dad,” I blurt out in sheer desperation. Anything to make these girls vanish. “To twins, so no I can’t do this again.”
The blonde’s expression hardens. “Last night you told us that you can’t have kids. That you never have and you never will, was that a lie, or is this?”
“Er, that was. I don’t know what I was saying I was drunk... I need to go in the shower so if you two can just... you know...” I can’t say go, it sounds too harsh. “Go.” Oh, oops it’s out there.
I run away from my two brand new enemies, I’m sure that’s what they’ll become, hating myself the entire time. I really need to decide how I’m going to act before I do anything else. Am I going to be a man and start acting like a decent human being or am I going to continue down this spiralling path of self destruction? I need to know because whatever I do next is utterly vital to my future.
Who am I going to be?
Chapter Twenty Two – Serena
I can’t believe I’m here, I just... I cannot believe it. It’s horrible.
I’ve resorted to the one thing I never thought I would do, the one thing I tried my hardest to avoid... I’ve come back home. My home town still looks exactly the same; remote, run down, shabby. It’s almost as if it wants to remind everyone all the time that it’s the sort of place that’s going nowhere and that no one ever wants to visit. That’s why I haven’t wanted to come back since I left. The sleek lights of the modern city are so much better than this.
I’m working, I can’t afford the travel, I have to look after Jenny... there have been many excuses that I’ve used over the past few years to avoid coming back home for the holidays, and now I’m here again, as a surprise. With a surprise or two. This is going to go really well.
“Hello there, Serena,” Old Men Ted calls out to me in a tone that suggests he only saw me yesterday rather than five years ago. “How are you?”
“Erm, yeah fine.” This place must be a time trap, people just get stuck in the same moment and nothing ever changes. “How are you?”
“Oh good, you know how it is. It hasn’t been easy since my wife died...” Oh God, that’s something I didn’t know about. I don’t know what to say. “But I’m getting there.”
“That’s erm, yeah good. I think I better go. My parents are waiting for me.”
He nods and lets me leave, but as I go the fact that I’m in a time warp doesn’t leave me. It’s almost as if everything that happened out of this town was a dream; the jobs, Jenny, Ben... all of it. If it wasn’t for the reminder in my belly I might truly forget about it all. It’s almost as if I haven’t left school yet, I’m still with Luke, I haven’t done any growing up.
As I stand outside my childhood home, I feel odd, like I don’t belong. All I need to do is take a few steps forward and I’ll be there. But those few steps feel like climbing a mountain. I don’t know if I can do them. I’m aware that I need to, that I can’t move on with my life without making those steps, but I just can’t do it. What am I going to say? Hi guys, I’m back! Oh and I’m pregnant with twins and the father doesn’t want to know. Yeah, that’s going to go really well.
With a deep sigh I take those steps with heavy feet. I don’t think I ever intended to come back, not really. I certainly didn’t ever intend to return here. When I lift my hand to knock on the door, it’s trembling like crazy, but still I make myself do it. When my fist hits the door, the sound reverberates right through me. It makes my head ache and my chest feel weird. I’m filled with utter regret about everything that I’ve done so far.
“Oh.” The door swings open and my dad stands on the other side, looking at me like I’m a ghost from his past. I suppose in a way I am. “Serena. We weren’t expecting you...”
“No, I know. This is a surprise.” I try to smile but it definitely doesn’t reach my eyes. “I just thought I would come home because.” I shrug. There isn’t a reasonable explanation for this. “Because I haven’t in a very long time.”
“No, of course not. Come inside.”
As I step in, I’m in yet another time warp. It’s almost as if I’ve never left. I’m sure if I head upstairs I’ll see my old bedroom looking exactly the same as it always did.
“Hey, sis.” I turn to see a tall boy who’s grown skinner but more manly since the last time I saw him. His presence actually shocks me and reminds me that while nothing looks like it’s changed, absolutely everything has. “How are you? Long time no see.”
He wraps his arms around me and has me gasping in shock. “Ethan, you’re actually taller than me now. I can’t believe it.”
“Well, I am seventeen years old now. I have grown quite a bit.”
“Yeah that’s...” I look at him with shining eyes. “You look good, bro. I’m glad to see you again. It’s been too long, I will make more effort to come back again.”
“Oh my goodness, Serena, Is that really you?” Mom joins us then, with a shocked expression on her face. “I can’t believe that you’ve finally come back home. Have you decided to come back now? You know we want you home.”
“Erm, not exactly.” Urgh, if only it was that simple. Now I kinda wish that was it. “Can we talk? Do you mind? Can we all go in the living room?”
Mom and Dad share a look, but they follow me into the front room. At first, Ethan makes us all tea, during which time we do some pointless small talk. I fill my parents in on the very basics of what I’ve been doing in the city over the last five years. I give the scantest details, even though I know they want more. They also tell me a couple of things too, not that I pay much attention. My buzzing ears can’t hear anything.
Then Ethan comes back in and it’s time to tell all. As he hands me a mug, I have to instantly put it down for fear of making a mess. My shaking hands can barely hold anything right now. I’m a mess.
“So.” I rub my hands up and down my trousers. “The reason I’m here actually is because I’m... I’m...” I breathe in and out a couple of times, trying desperately to steady myself. Mom and Dad are staring at me like I’ve grown an alien head, but Ethan is more focused on the TV. Thank God, I don’t know how I’d get this out with his eyes on me as well. “I’m pregnant.” An intense hush fills the room so I feel the need to continue, to get it all out. “With twins, actually.”
Mom and Dad look at each other again and I’m sure I see both their faces pale. Even Ethan shoots me a little glance but there isn’t any judgement there. He’s just giving me a look, almost as if he’s trying to tell me that he’s there. For a seventeen year old, he sure seems mature.
“You’re having a baby?” Dad finally pants out. “With who? Why isn’t the father here with you? Are you married? Did you get married and not tell us?”
Of course he would ask that. He comes from a time period and a small town that expects such behaviour. People from here don’t have babies unless they’re married. Of course that leads to lots of shot gun weddings, but that’s preferable to doing it alone. I knew this was a bad idea.
“No, I’m not married,” I say quietly. “I’m not with the father either. He... well he freaked out when I told him about the baby and now he doesn’t want to know.”
“Oh my God.” Mom stands up and she paces the room. “Oh my goodness. I cant believe this. I cannot believe this happened.” She runs her hands through her hair looking incredibly stressed by my news. I knew she wouldn’t take it well, but I don’t know if I thought it would be this bad. “This is why we didn’t want you to go to the city, we knew this would happen. You should have just stayed here and continued dating that nice Luke boy. You know what he does now? He’s the manager of the supermarket.”
Urgh, I can’t even entertain that notion. It’s too painful for words. Mom clearly doesn’t know what an asshole Luke is. I can’t even start going down that road with her... at least now I know to avoid the supermarket.
“Mom, this is serious,” I tell her. “This didn’t happen because I went to the city, this happened because I fell in love with someone who didn’t deserve it.”
That stops her in her tracks. Maybe she thinks it’s better because I’m in love with Ben, I don’t know. Either way, she stops ranting which is good.
“What do you intend to do?” Dad jumps in, unfortunately taking over that role. “Have you come home to live here? Because I don’t know if we can have you living here with twins...”
“Dad!” Ethan jumps in, sounding stunned. “Seriously, Dad.”
“What? You can clearly see that we don’t have the room for two babies to live here and what will the neighbours think? This is a small town, Ethan, people talk. I don’t want everyone to know that our daughter ran off, got knocked up, then came running back.”
Holy fucking hell, this is rough. I can barely stand it. “I don’t want to come back here either,” I interject quickly. “That isn’t why I’m here.” God the thought of staying back here again for an extended period of time makes me want to shiver with sickness. “I guess I just wanted you guys to know.”
I push myself into a standing position. I need to get out of here now, this was a mistake, I can’t believe I even allowed myself to think this might have been a good visit.
“Are you going?” Mom gushes. “We can’t just let you go like this.”
“We can’t have her to stay either.” My dad was not letting me forget that.
“No.” Mom sits by Dad and she looks up at him. “I know that, I’m not crazy. I know it’ll be hell for Serena if she comes back. Everyone will talk about her, it’ll be horrible. What I think is we should give Serena some money to get her started.”
Mom and Dad stand up and they quietly leave the room so they can talk about it in private. They’ve always been this way. Every chat that they’ve ever had about money has been without me and Ethan in the room. I guess it’s because they don’t want us to worry, but we’re adults now. It really doesn’t matter.
I roll my eyes as they leave the room and give my brother a weak smile.
“This is why I can’t wait to get out,” he tells me seriously. “Everyone is so small minded here. I hate it. I mean, in my eyes you’re really brave. You have twins growing in your belly and you’re ready to take them on alone. That’s awesome.” Wow. That’s the first time anyone has said that to me. In a way it feels kinda nice. “The asshole dad doesn’t want to know, but that’s not important to you. You’re going ahead anyway.”
“Thank you, Ethan... when did you get so wise?”
He smiles but doesn’t answer me. Instead he continues on the same road he was before. “You should take the money that Mom and Dad give you and start again. Move somewhere far away from here. Make a good life for you and your babies.” He smiles down at my stomach. “I can’t believe I’m going to be an uncle, you will send me pictures when they’re born, won’t you?”
At least I have him. He’s awesome. I’m so damn lucky to have him. He’s been the one good thing to happen in this whole trip home. “Thanks, Ethan.” I give him a genuine smile. “That means a lot, and of course I’ll send you pictures.”
“Where do you think you’ll go?” he asks me curiously. “Any ideas?”
“Hmmm, that’s a good question.” I tap my chin thoughtfully. “I honestly have no idea. I could go anywhere...”
I do know though, there’s only one place in the world I want to be. It might not be smart, but I have to go back to the city. That’s my home.
Chapter Twenty Three – Ben
“Mom?” Is that her? I can barely see, my eyes are so blurry. I think that’s her though, it looks like her shape. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m sick of this,” she says while pushing past me. “I’m sick of coming into this house and seeing you in a mess.” I want to tell her to stop coming, but I don’t bother. It feels like too much effort. “You cannot tell me that you’re still drinking today for a business meeting. It’s ten in the morning. That pathetic excuse won’t roll today.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Mom, that really isn’t any of your business.”
She spins around rapidly to stare at me with nothing but sheer anger in her eyes. “None of my business? Are you serious, Ben? None of my business?” She steps closer to me and points her finger dangerously close to my face. “You left a girl who sounds perfect for you, who’s carrying your baby by the way which I know even if you won’t admit it to me, because you want to focus on your business. But you aren’t, are you? You’re pissing your life away in the next bottle you can find. You won’t even let me contact Serena myself. You’re denying me of the chance to be a grandmother. If you don’t want to be a father then fine, I don’t like it but you’re old enough to make your own choices. To keep me away is just selfish.”
“Mom, it’s been four months. She won’t want to hear from either of us now.”
“Are you insane?” she snarls at me. “Who the hell are you to make that sort of choice for someone else? You aren’t even giving her a try.”
The world is spinning around me, I need to sit down. I crash into the first chair I can find. Mom’s words twirl around me, but I’m still too drunk from last night to focus on any of them properly. “I don’t know what to say to you, Mom. I think by this point it’s just better for us both to keep out of Serena’s life.”
Mom sits down opposite and she gives me an intense look. It’s hard for me to focus, but her piercing eyes get through. “Can you honestly tell me that you don’t miss Serena? That you aren’t interested in the babies at all?” I shrug childishly, unable to answer her. “Then you need to make an effort. You need to clean yourself up.”
“I can’t, it isn’t that easy.”
Mom sighs loudly and she shakes her head. “Son. I’m going to tell you something now that I haven’t told you before, because I never wanted to damage your view of him...”
“Him, who?” I ask. There’s a horrible sensation in my heart that I’m not going to like what comes next.
“Your father.” Yep, I’m right. This is definitely something I don’t want to know. “He was a wonderful man, don’t get me wrong, and we had a great marriage... but right now, you remind me of him.”
“What do you mean?” I gasp out thickly.
“I mean... he had an addictive personality and I think you do too. He could never just drink, he always had to end up wasted. He could never just do something, he had to go all out, dedicating everything to it, a bit like you and your business.” I don’t know if I’m supposed to hate that, but it feels nice to have a connection to him. “Sometimes that sent him into self destruct mode. A bit like you, right now. I remember this all the time with him. It was hard for me, a battle every day during his outbursts, and then of course it eventually killed him.”
“Huh?” That catches my attention. “But I thought that he was caught in a crash with a drunk driver on the way home from work?” That’s what I’ve always been told, why would I believe anything else? I wait impatiently for Mom to explain.
“Oh he was killed by a drunk driver alright, but it was him.” She grips onto my hand and gives me a stare. “I never wanted to tell you this because I didn’t want to taint your opinion of him when he wasn’t around to defend himself. But now I think you need to know. He was driving home from work, but he was wasted and he drove straight into a tree.” Her eyes flicker downwards, she looks absolutely gutted. “I always warned him something like that would happen, but he wouldn’t listen. It didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t ever save him. I really want to be able to save you.”
My heart sinks, her words actually affect me. I cannot believe it. My dad went down a spiral, a bit like what I’m doing right now, and it killed him. Maybe that will happen to me too, maybe it’s in my genes, I just don’t know. I don’t want that to be me, I don’t want to end up ploughing my car into a tree in a drunken state.
“I know this might come as a shock to you, Ben, and I do apologise for keeping it from you, I just thought it was the right thing to do. Now I’m not so sure that it was.”
“Y... yeah,” I don’t know what to say. My head feels way too fuzzy to be dealing with this nightmare. “It is a bit of a shock.”
“Well I just hope that it helps. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go to bed and sleep this off, let it all sink in a bit. I’ll ring your office and make sure everyone else has it under control. Then I’ll tidy this place up. When you get up again we can really have a talk about things and think about what you want to do next.”
All the fight has zapped from my body, which is probably because I think Mom might be right. I’m certainly not happy at the moment and nothing is improving in my life. I can’t seem to party like I used to, I can’t manage the balance between having fun and totally losing control. Something inside me has changed irrevocably and I can’t seem to get it back. I think it’s time to give up and to try it someone else’s way. I’m ready to relinquish control of my life for now to see if someone else can do a better job.
“Thanks, Mom. I think I will.”
As I stagger upwards I fall forwards slightly and Mom catches me. As she pulls me in for a hug I allow her to do so because I really need some comfort. Pushing everyone away has always been what I’ve done, but it’s never hurt this much before. Serena has done more than get under my skin, she has crawled in there and set up home and now I want her back.
“It’s two babies, Mom,” I admit quietly. “She’s having twins.”
“Oh, Ben, you are going to have to make it up with her. You do understand that. Don’t you? Especially now, one baby is hard enough but two... plus I really want to be a part of their lives.”
“I know, Mom, and I’m sorry. I’ve been an idiot, but I won’t let that happen again. I promise you.”
She pulls back to look at me, gives me a sweet smile then sends me off to bed. As I go all I can think about is her words. I do need t o make it up to Serena, that makes so much sense. I want to as well. I probably should wait until I’ve slept and I can speak to her in a much more sensible way, but there’s a deep itch in my chest that needs to do it now. Like right now. With the alcohol still coursing through my system I can’t help myself, I need to know right now.
Screw it.
I pull out my phone and hit dial just as I fall into my bedroom. I collapse onto my soft bed and wait for her to answer. I’m still not sure she will, I do think I might have left it too long, but I need to at least try.
“H... hello?” she sounds unsure. “Ben, is that you?”
“Yeah, tis me.” Shit, I sound about as drunk as I feel. “How are you?”
She pauses for a moment before answering. “Are you serious? You wait until I’m almost six months pregnant and then you call me just to say how are you? And are you drunk at this time of the morning? You sound it.”
I can’t help it, that riles me up. I’m offering an olive branch here and she’s throwing it back in my face. “No, I obviously want to know how my babies are doing,” I snap back. “And I think I have a right to as well, since I’m their father.”
“Babies... so you did get my voice mail, probably my text too. What makes you think you suddenly have a right to know anything when you’ve been ignoring me all this time?”
What a bitch, why is she jumping down my throat? This chat wasn’t supposed to go like this at all. “I just want to know, Serena, I don’t want to fight.”
“You don’t want to fight?” Now she sounds really angry. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve struggled? I’ve had to do all this by myself with no money, nowhere to live, no help... do you know how much doctor’s bills are?”
“So this is all about money? I’ll refund you...”
“No, Ben, not everything is all about money. Maybe if you get your head out your ass you’ll see that.”
Mom might be all for me making up with Serena, but how can I when she’s being a stubborn cow? How am I supposed to make up with someone who doesn’t want to know?
“I’m just trying to help...”
“Well, it’s too late for you to help, Ben. And it certainly isn’t going to work with you calling me while drunk. That proves absolutely nothing except that you can’t be trusted. I don’t think you should call me again, Ben. Not unless you’re actually going to be serious.”
“I am serious, Serena. You can’t keep my baby away from me.”
“I’m not trying to...” She tries to interrupt, but I’m on a role now, acting like father of the year even though I haven’t done anything as yet. I can hear myself, I can see what I’m doing, but I just can’t seem to stop myself from acting like an idiot. It’s almost like I’m not even in my body at all now.
“I’ll get lawyers, I’ll go for custardy, I have rights...”
“Ben.” Her tone is so firm, I can’t ignore her again. “Don’t call me again.”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
“But...” It’s too late, she’s gone, taking my last hope with her.
The dial tone fills my ears and I feel like I might throw up. That is not how I wanted that call to go, maybe I should have waited until I was full sober. That was foolish, I might have wrecked things forever more. At least I still have my mom downstairs, she’ll somehow sort me out. I need her now more than ever. I don’t think I can do this by myself anymore. Everything I touch turns to shit, I’m like a freaking disaster area.
For now all I can do is sleep it off, just like Mom said. I should have listened to her all along. Clearly she knows better than me, I don’t know what’s good for me anymore. I’m just a mess.
Tomorrow will have to be a brand new day, I’ll just have to hope that I find a way to make all of this right. Somehow...
Chapter Twenty Four – Serena
I hang up the phone and throw it across the bed with tears in my eyes. I just cannot believe it. After months and months of hearing nothing, he calls me now with that attitude? He has to be kidding me!
“Who was that?”
Relief floods me as Jenny walks in the room. Thank God she’s back, I don’t know how I would do this without her. She keeps insisting that she didn’t come back from her life dancing on the cruise to look after me, that it was because she got a chance to dance in a music video – which I know is true, she’s been in a few – but I think a part of it was me as well. She feels bad for me, she thinks I’m young and naïve and I’ve been stupid.
She’s right, and I hate that she’s right.
“It was Ben.” I can’t see any point in lying to her, not when I’m on the verge of tears. “He rang me up saying it’s his right to know what’s going on with the baby.”
“He what?” she shrieks. “Are you freaking kidding me? What an asshole. He has no right. He hasn’t been to any of the doctor’s appointments, he hasn’t even bothered to see you, what the hell gives him any right to do anything?” She bangs her fists down on the table in frustration. “He’s probably been out there doing God knows what with God knows who and you’ve been pregnant with his baby the entire time. I’m about to kick some ass.”
“He was drunk as well. I don’t know if he’s drunk from last night or drunk from this morning.” I shake my head, disappointed in what happened to Ben. Although maybe this didn’t happen, maybe he was always like this and I just didn’t see it. “But yeah, he’s a mess.”
Jenny smiles at me, but I can see the strain behind her expression. She’s mad, but she’s trying to hide it. “Yeah well it’s just a good job that he isn’t in your life anymore.... do you have work this morning?”
“Urgh, yeah.” I don’t mind my new job at the moment, I’m quite happy temping in an office, spending most of my time photocopying, it isn’t taxing and the people there are pleasant enough, but I’m constantly worried about the dwindling bundle of money that Mom and Dad gave me. I still have plenty, but I’m sure it won’t be plenty once the babies come. The job doesn’t pay enough. Plus, admittedly, I am a bit of a freak there with my absolutely massive swollen belly. Turns out a twin pregnancy is much bigger than a normal one. “I’m just on my way out now actually. Do you have anywhere to be today?”
She leans in and stage whispers to me. “I’m dancing in another video today. No names, but it’s that of a famous rapper.”
I love that Jenny is getting far with her career, she deserves it. I’m not surprised, she’s feisty and fiery and a go getter. She’s good at dancing too, much better than I thought she was which is actually not that surprising. Trust my best friend to have some secret amazing talent.
“That’s awesome. I can’t wait to see it.”
“Come on, we’ll walk to the subway together... oh hang on, I just need to grab my bag, wait a minute...”
As she leaves the room, I hear my cell phone bleep out and a message plasters across the screen. The phone number is Ben’s so my eyes immediately roll up into the back of my skull, just to stop me from crying. I don’t want to hear from him, I don’t ever want to speak to him again. Doesn’t he get that? Didn’t I make that very clear?
‘Serena, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean too...’
That’s it, nothing more. Half a badly written message is all I deserve. Makes sense, I suppose that’s a bit like what our relationship was like. Half hearted, slightly uncaring, doomed to failure. Now I just need to get through the next few months without speaking to him again. I don’t need to concentrate on him anyway, I’ve got two up and coming babies to think about...
***
‘Serena, please don’t keep ignoring me...’
I don’t even bother to read this one. The last two and a half months has been full of these messages. One he even pretended was from his Mom, it was tragic. I just don’t want anything to do with him anymore, and no amount of endless messages is going to change that. I gave him his chance and he screwed it up. I don’t want him messing up our babies like he has me. I have to be strong enough for the both of them.
“Him again?” Jenny asks with concern in her eyes. “Are you just going to keep on ignoring him forever more?”
“What are you on about, Jenny? You were the one ready to kick his ass not that long ago.” I can’t believe she actually looks like she might not be on my side for once. “I can’t think about it now. I have this heaving bump to worry about. I don’t care about him, just like he’s never cared about me.”
A guilty expression crosses Jenny’s face and I can tell that something has happened. I don’t know if I want to know what really, but at the same time I’m desperate to. I shove my hands onto my hips the best that I can and I glare at her until she finally reveals all.
“I ran into Tia today...”
“Tia? My old roommate? The girl that you fell out with over a guy?” I can’t believe it, this is insane. I thought they despised one another, it’s one of the reasons that I don’t see Tia much anymore myself. “What the hell?”
“Well, Mike is back in her life. Or at least, he’s trying to be. So we got together to hatch up a revenge plot. It was good for me to go back anyway, I haven’t seen the guys from CeeLow’s for a while.”
I’m stunned, almost into silence. “What do you mean? What happened?”
“Well, after we hatched our revenge plan – which I’ll totally tell you about later because it’s brilliant – you came up. Ben too. She sees him a lot because he comes into the club...”
“Drinking and sleeping with women, no doubt.”
“No. None of that actually, he comes into the club to talk to her because he’s lonely. He misses you like crazy and he wants to change. Apparently he really is sorry and he does want to be involved with the babies lives. It seems like he really is a different person.... and I know Tia wouldn’t say all of that if she didn’t mean it.”
I clutch onto my stomach as a wave of pain hits me. It’s shock, I know it is, I cannot for the life of me believe what I’m hearing. “I don’t need this now, Jenny. In case you haven’t noticed I’m about to have my babies. I don’t want to even think about him. I don’t care how sorry he is or whatever. It’s come much too late.”
Jenny moves over to me and she rubs my back in a reassuring gesture. “I know you don’t need this, Serena, but I think it’s best that you hear what’s going on, don’t you?”
I breathe deeply, a hotness radiates right through my body at a million miles an hour. My head is dizzy, I feel sick, it’s as if I’m going into real life shock. “I don’t... I don’t know...”
“Serena?” Her voice sounds different now, I almost can’t hear her. “Serena? Are you okay?”
“Hurts...” I splutter out. “It hurts.”
“Are you in labour? Are these contractions?” She’s panicking now, I can hear it, but that feels distant from me. I’m trapped in the bubble where it’s just me and my brain. “What do I do? Shall I call a doctor? Do we need to get to the hospital? What do we do? What does it say in your baby book?”
As she moves from me to try and figure out what she’s going to do I collapse onto the couch in agony. This isn’t supposed to be happening yet, I still have a couple of weeks. I wanted to work right up until the very end for the money, but now it seems that the end has come already.
I’m about to be a Mom. I’m about to really have these babies... all by myself.
“Oh my God.” I feel a popping sensation and then a weirdly warm water drips down my legs. This is too quick. I don’t know much about giving birth because I haven’t done it before but I know my waters shouldn’t have broken already. This is wrong, I need to be in a hospital quickly before I get some sort of infection. “Jenny, I need to go. We need to get to the hospital right now.”
She tucks her hands under my armpits and pulls me into a standing position. It’s hard because my body is resistant, but eventually we manage it. She gets me standing and calls a cab, all the while my body and my mind is a hot mess. I ache everywhere, bolts of agony shoot right through me, my mind is full of confusing thoughts.
The main one I think is I cannot do this alone.
“Jenny, I need him,” I tell her weakly. “I need him.”
“Him?” She guides me towards the door. “Him who?”
“Ben.” I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself. I want him by my side, I don’t want to be the one to blame for him missing the birth of his twins. If he doesn’t come, that’s his own choice. But it cannot be my fault. “I know what I said before, but I think he needs to be here.”
“Let’s get you into the cab first, then I’ll call.”
Things move in a blur, I don’t even know what’s happening. I sort of remember climbing into a cab, and I vaguely remember listening to Jenny on the call to Ben, but I don’t recall anything that was said, and I also remember arriving at the hospital but I don’t recall coming into a room or putting on a hospital gown.
“Did you dress me, Jenny?” I ask once the contractions stop for just a moment. “I didn’t put this on, did I?”
“I helped,” she admits. “But I didn’t do it. To be honest after witnessing this I don’t want to do any of it. You’ve really put me off having children ever. I don’t think I’ll have sex ever again.”
“Yeah, me neither.” My fingers grip to the edge of the bed as I rock back and forth on my feet. They keep telling me to get into the bed but I know that I can’t. The agony is too damn much. “Fucking hell, this hurts...”
“I’m sorry.” Holy fuck, is that Ben’s chocolaty voice? I spin to look at him with wide, shocked eyes. “That’s my fault.”
Jenny waits for a moment, flickering her eyes between us two, then she stands up to make a move. “I think I’ll leave you two alone. I’m sure you have a lot to talk about.”
Yeah, about seven months worth of stuff, but I honestly don’t think any of that will come out now. I can’t even think straight, never mind speak. This pain... it might just freaking kill me. And if it does, the first thing I’ll do is murder Ben for doing this to me.
What an asshole.
“Can I come in?” he asks sheepishly. “Is it okay for me to be here?”
“Argh,” I grown in sheer agony. “Yes, it’s fine, whatever. Just get over here and rub my back already. I need you.”
Chapter Twenty Five – Ben
She needs me, that’s all I’ve wanted to hear ever since I first started getting my act together. She needs me. Serena is letting me in at the most crucial part of our babies lives. That has to mean something, even if it isn’t forgiveness.
“What do you need?” I ask, all business. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
“I don’t know,” she whimpers while leaning over the bed. “I don’t know it just hurts all over. Like, literally everywhere. I’ve never felt anything like it before.”
“Okay, okay. Do you need a nurse?” I can already feel myself starting to panic. I promised myself that I wouldn’t, but already I’m a fucking mess. “What do we need?”
She grips onto my hands so tight that I fear she might crack my fingers in half and she screams. The sounds rips from her very soul and shreds the room to pieces. It’s absolutely terrifying. “I don’t know, I just need you to help me.”
As she collapses into my arms, all weak and covered in sweat, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. This is where I should have been all along, with Serena, helping her through this. I can’t believe I allowed my fear of my business failing, despite the fact that it’s really far away from that, allow me to push the most important person in my life away from me. I’m an idiot, I deserve to lose it all. I’m just glad it hasn’t worked out like this. If Serena gives me another try right now I’m going to throw my heart and soul into it and never fuck up again.
“I’m really sorry, Serena,” I say in a rush of emotion. “I know I’ve been a bad person, and I know that I’ve never deserved you, and honestly...”
“Shut up, Ben,” she snaps back through gritted teeth. “Now really isn’t the time.”
She’s right, I know she’s right. How could I ever think about bringing this up right now? What an idiot. I’ve just told myself that I wouldn’t screw up again and right off the bat I have.
“Sorry, Serena, honestly I don’t know...”
“Stop saying sorry. Go and get a nurse. I definitely need a nurse now. Or a doctor, or someone.”
Practical help, now that’s something I can definitely do. “Right, yes, I’ll go right now.”
I push open the door and tear off down the hallway at a million miles an hour. I think I might even rush past Jenny at some point but I’m not sure because I’m not really looking. My heart thunders painfully in my chest, I can hear it beating in my ears, and there’s a tight knot of anxiety that’s bundled up in my stomach. A cold snake glides through my organs, making me shiver sporadically every so often.
Thank God I’ve sorted myself out for this moment, thank goodness Mom told me the truth about Dad and she made me see sense about the way that my life was going. Serena and the twins deserve so much more than the person I was before. I’m just so glad that I’m not a mess anymore. Not the drunken, sodden idiot that I was not so long ago.
“Nurse!” I cry out as soon as I spot someone. “I need help. My...” I can’t say girlfriend, she isn’t really any girlfriend of mine at the moment. “The mother of my children is struggling. We need help.”
The nurse nods and agrees to come with me, and while I wait a moment for her to finish what she’s doing, I pull out my cell phone and I fire off a text to my mom. After all the hell that she’s put herself through in the last few months just to get me back on track, she deserves to know that I’m at the hospital and that my babies are being born. Finally I might have something to make her proud of me.
‘Mom, Serena finally called me back, she’s in labour, I’m at the hospital now. I’ll send you a picture once they are born.’
Then I glance upwards and I smile at the universe. It’s time, I’m finally about to become a father. I didn’t even know this was a dream of mine, but now that it’s about to come true I’m so damn excited...
***
“I cannot believe these babies belong to us,” I say again to Serena as another burst of intense love washes over me. It’s a boundless, endless love that I didn’t know I was even capable of. “These babies. We made them.”
“I made them,” Serena says with a giggle. “You didn’t really do anything to be honest.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that one.” I glance over to her and smile brightly as I drink her blissful, peaceful face in. She’s been through a very hard labour, it was longer and more difficult on her body than I ever thought it could be, but she was extremely brave throughout. I am so proud of her. “I didn’t do anything, but I’m so grateful to you for everything that you’ve done.”
I want to reach down and hold her hand, but I have my baby boy in my arms, and Serena has hold of our brand new baby girl. Oddly enough, right now, my daughter looks like me and my son looks like Serena. It’s lovely, they’re an adorable mix of both of us.
“I’m glad that you’re here now,” she replies thickly. “I know it hasn’t been an easy few months but I’m glad you’ve come.”
“Oh my God, I’m so grateful that you’ve called. After everything I did I didn’t deserve that phone call, but I’m glad...”
“Is it true that you’ve been cleaning yourself up? And that you’ve spoken to Tia about it?”
My heart sinks, my hanging out with Tia just to get a little bit of closeness to Serena, despite the fact that the girls don’t really hang out anymore, is supposed to be a secret. I told her not to tell anyone that she was sort of my therapist for a while, but it seems that nothing can be sacred.
“Oh right, yeah. I suppose so. I just...” I shrug. “I don’t know, it hasn’t been easy without you.”
She gives me a smile and glances at the gorgeous bundle of joy in my arms. “So, what are we going to call them? We need to have names?”
“Have you not spent the last few months thinking of names? I assumed you’d already have something picked out.” After everything that I’ve done, I know I don’t have any rights to get to name the babies. I’d like to, but it doesn’t mean I get to.
“No. I never found out what I was having.” Serena snuggles her nose against my little girl. “I wanted it to be a surprise. I guess I never thought I would be having one of each.”
“So what do you like?”
“Brandon,” she suggests. “Do you like that?”
I glance down at my boy and immediately see that the name fits. “I love it,” I tell her. “It suits him so much. Brandon. Awesome.” I look over at my daughter. “And what about Rose, for her?”
As Serena’s face breaks into a smile I can see that I’ve hit the nail on the head. She loves Rose for our little girl just as much as I do. Brandon and Rose, our little twins, the future of me and Serena.
“So... erm, what are you going to do now? I don’t know if I have much right to ask, but I do need to know all the same. “Like, when you get out the hospital, I mean? Do you have somewhere to live?”
“I do...” She nods slowly. “But it’s with Jenny. I don’t know how keen she is to have two babies living with us to be honest. She hasn’t said anything, but I don’t think I’d much like it if I were her. Now that she’s a dancer, she’s out all hours too, so it probably won’t work... maybe I should have thought about this before the birth, huh?”
My heart soars, I feel my spirits lift high. I know I’m about to overstep the boundary before I even say it but I can’t speak. Somehow, I can’t seem to stop myself. “You know you could still move in with me?” The words sound strained, Serena is bound to hear the pressure that I’m putting on myself. “You’re room is still there, exactly as you left it. There’s plenty of room for the twins...”
“But I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?” Serena cocks her head at me. “It didn’t exactly work out last time, did it?”
“No it didn’t, but that’s because of me. I was an idiot, I was foolish, I got scared about us being too close to one another too quickly... I freaked and I push people away, that’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done.” My heart melts and my tone softens as I look at Serena. “The only difference is you’re the only person I miss. You’re the only person that I think about every single day.”
“You do?”
“I’ve texted you, every single day, haven’t I? I’ve proved to you that I’ve been thinking about you, haven’t I? I know that I’ve been foolish, I know I’ve acted badly, but I won’t anymore. You just have to give me a chance. To be with you, to be a father, to prove that I’m worthy?”
She pauses for a moment and thinks it through, I can almost see the cogs ticking in her brain. I bite down on my lip as I try my hardest to keep my persuasive words inside. All I want to do is outpour all my feelings to her but I know after everything she’s just been through that will overwhelm her. I need to just keep my feelings inside and let her work it out for herself. It might kill me, but I have to do it. I just need to keep reminding me that it’s the right thing to do.
“You really want to try?” she asks me curiously. “You really want to go through all of this again? With me, and the babies, and all the nightmare that’s going to come with that?”
The thought of it crushes me, but in a really good way. I want all of that so much, I want her, the commitment, the babies, the fatherhood. I want it more than anything in the world. “Yes, please, it would mean so much to me if you would just give me a try. I honestly couldn’t want anything more.”
She parts her lips, ready to give me her answer and I tense up while I wait for it. But unfortunately before she gets her answer out, before I find out whether or not she’s going to agree to my plan, the door swings open and my heart sinks. Jenny is back, she’s here to interrupt before I get my answer. I don’t blame Jenny, she deserves to see my babies too, but her timing is terrible.
“Hey, Ben, it’s me.”
Oh, it isn’t Jenny, it’s someone really shocking, someone that maybe I should have suspected would turn up after my message earlier. It might not be the best way for this to happen, but it’s here now, it’s upon us. It might have been forced upon us, but it’s here all the same. Best to just accept it.
I turn my head just to see her eyes shining, her face ecstatic and all of a sudden it feels perfectly right that she’s here. After all this moment wouldn’t happen without her. If Mom hadn’t kicked my ass, I would be in a gutter somewhere. Probably drunk and damn near death,
“Mom... you’re here. This is Serena, Serena, this is Mom.”
Chapter Twenty Six – Serena
“This... this is your Mom?” I sit up straighter in the bed, or as much as I can manage with my baby in my arms. “Here? Now?” I don’t want to be rude, but this is a massive shock.
“I’m sorry, I know you probably don’t want me here right now, but you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this moment. I want to meet my grand children, is that okay?”
I glance at Ben who’s got a bright smile on his face. I guess this is his mother. “Do you want to hold little Rose here?” I ask while extending my arms to her. “I could use a little moment to collect myself anyway.”
“My name is Iris, by the way.” She takes Rose from me and hugs her to her chest, breathing in my daughter’s youthful smell. “It’s lovely to meet you, Serena. I’m sorry it’s taken so long. I kept asking Ben to introduce us so I could help you through the pregnancy but he wouldn’t. He kept saying that you both were fallen out, his fault I assume.”
I can’t help but laugh at her, she’s a wonderful woman. Already she seems so caring, so trusting, so loving of her son. I can already see that she would do anything for him, even if she didn’t like his actions... nothing like my judgemental parents. They were sickened by my choices, they hated every moment of me being there as a disappointment. It wouldn’t surprise me if they never came to see my babies.
But my baby brother has been my rock.
“Do you two mind standing close together so I can get a picture for my brother? He really wants to see the babies?”
They do as I ask and I grab my phone. Once the picture is taken I caption it with who it is and send it off to him. Moments later I get a reply.
‘Yay! So the asshole finally came to his senses and he’s there. His Mom looks nice too. I’ll come up and visit soon, I promise. Love you, E xxx’
I smile at his words, glad to finally have some good news for him. It’s been difficult up until now and he knows that much well. Now he can see that finally things are coming together and that maybe things might work out between me and Ben. And not just for the babies, but for me and Ben too.
‘I love you, Ethan. Thank you xxx’
“So Rose and Brandon, they are both such lovely names. How did you come up with them?”
“We did it together.” I smile at Ben, feeling all the emotions washing over me again. “I chose Brandon and Ben chose Rose.”
Iris looks between us as if she’s trying to work out what’s going on between us now, which is something I’m currently trying to figure out myself. Ben is offering me everything, the whole world, again it feels like I’m on a movie set and that my fairy tale is finally coming true, but if I do this, I need to do so in a much more cautious way. I need to be smart, wise, this isn’t just about me anymore. I have two children that are depending on me for everything.
“Well, I just have to say that I’m very glad to see you both in the same room again. I’m sure it’s been a very long time.” Iris looks at me gratefully. “I know it must have taken a lot for you to call Ben when you went into labour after everything that you’ve been through, so it’s very nice that you did this.”
“Was it you who text me once?” I feel compelled to ask. “If so then I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you, I just...”
“I know, you needed time.”
“Wait.” Ben spins his gaze between us both. “Wait a minute, you text Serena?”
“From your cell phone, yes, in a moment of desperation.” Iris looks like she actually feels guilty which is silly. “I could see how hard you were working to improve yourself and I just wanted to help... I can see now that I didn’t, but I had to try.”
Rose starts fussing in Iris’s arms, which tugs at my heart strings. “I think she might need feeding,” I insist with my arms held out to grab her again. “Do you mind?”
“Oh no, I want a hug with Brandon too. Do you mind if I walk him up and down the hallways a bit? I know babies like the lights on the ceiling.”
“Of course not. That will be lovely.” Me and Ben need a moment together anyway if we’re going to decide what to do next. He asked me a question that I never got to answer and I really think it’s time that I do so. “Thank you.”
I struggle for a moment to get Rose latched on, but soon enough she just about manages it. I watch her suck for a while with happy tears shining in my eyes, before I look up to address Ben once more.
“So, you asked me a question earlier.” His back straightens, I can see him brace for whatever is about to come next. I almost want to laugh at how comical he looks. “And I didn’t get to answer it because your Mom came in.”
“Yeah, I am sorry about that,” he interrupts. “I honestly didn’t know she was going to come. I probably shouldn’t have messaged her, if I thought for one second...”
“No, trust me, it’s nice that she came. When I told my parents about the baby they went mad.” When Ben gives me a look I feel the need to explain. “Oh, I come from one of those towns that no one ever leaves and everyone gets married before they even think about getting pregnant.”
“Urgh.” Ben rolls his eyes in a mocking way. “That sounds awful. But if the picture wasn’t for your parents, then who was it for?”
“My brother, Ethan.” I smile again. “He’s been great. He should be leaving the town soon so if he comes anywhere near here I’ll get to see him more.”
“That sounds awesome.”
A thick silence clings to the air for a moment, reminding me that I started this conversation for a reason. I have something that I need to say and I think it’s time to say it. “So, about the whole moving in thing...” Ben’s eyes widen expectantly. “I think I would like to give it a try.”
“Oh my God!” he exclaims, maybe a bit too loudly. He disturbs Rose and she gets a little fussy. Luckily it doesn’t take long to get her resettled. “Oh my God,” he says again only a lot quieter. “Are you serious? You’re really willing to give this a try?”
“I am,” I confirm feeling happy and confident about my decision. “I really am. I mean, we’ll have to discuss things at some point to work out how this will work exactly, but yeah I think we should give it a go. Don’t you? I mean, our children definitely deserve for us to give it a try.”
“Yeah,” he grins at me. “I think you’re right, and of course. We do need to ensure that we’re both on the same page, and I promise I’ll be better this time.”
“How are things with your business?” I ask curiously. “Just in case that comes up again.”
“Oh, well I’ve scaled back and I now have some awesome staff to delegate too. I can see now that the company doesn’t need me, it just needs some solid management. That’s something that Mom made me see.”
Thank goodness. I don’t think I could be with someone who works all the time. I didn’t really see it last time I was with Ben because he kept avoiding work for me, but once I got out and I saw how much he gave of himself to it, I knew. It’s good that he has ambition and that makes something of himself, but giving his company everything isn’t any good for me. Especially not now.
“Good, well I’m glad to hear that you have more of a balance now. That’s awesome. You must be really happy.”
“I will be.” He leans across and kisses me on the forehead. “When you guys are with me.”
Knock, knock,
“Hmm, I wonder who that is,” Ben says questioningly. “Mom wouldn’t knock again. Not now.”
“Come in!” I call.
The door swings open and Jenny is on the other side looking weary as al hell. “I’m so sorry,” she croaks. “I fell asleep in the waiting room. Have the babies been born yet?” She opens her eyes wider and shock fills her face. “Oh my God, you’ve only got one, what happened to the other one?”
“My mom is here and she has him.” Ben smiles and takes Rose from me. “I better go and find her actually, and Rose probably needs a walk too.”
“Can you find her?” I ask as he walks towards the door. “Thank you.”
Me and Jenny smile at each other as Ben goes, tactfully leaving us alone to have a much needed conversation. If I’m going to move out then she really needs to know. It’s only right that I’m honest with her.
“So, you gave birth,” she says happily. “That must have been...”
“Well, it wasn’t fun,” I confess. “I can tell you that much, but it’s over now.”
Jenny sits by my bed and she takes my hands. “So what happens now? I know we haven’t discussed it much, but have you thought about it? It won’t be easy in our apartment with two babies.”
“I know, and I hope you don’t mind, but I really don’t think it’s possible.” My face flames, I feel terrible. “I think it might be best if I move out.”
“Where will you go?”
“Well, Ben just asked me to move back in with him...”
“Oh thank goodness.” Jenny’s head falls forward with relief. “I mean, I would have helped you, you know that much, but I don’t know if our friendship would have survived it. This isn’t just one crying, pooping baby, this is two. That’s too much to ask of anyone. I’m not a saint!”
Thank goodness. I’m so happy she isn’t upset that I’m moving out. The last thing I want is to lose Jenny right now. She’s been such an awesome friend to me, I don’t know what I’d do without her.
“So you aren’t mad?”
“Mad? Pfft no. With these music video gigs and I can easily afford the place on my own and I think you and the babies both need Ben as well.”
“Yeah, I think you might be right about that one.” I smile to myself. “It seems that he really is different now. I think he might actually have changed.”
“Well that’s good, but I will keep your room open just in case. I don’t want you to stay with him just because you don’t have any other options, okay?”
“Thank you, Jenny.”
“And if it helps, I’ll help Ben move your stuff out of ours and into his before you get out of the hospital, make sure you have nothing to do.”
To stop myself from weeping with emotion, I make a joke. “You mean apart from looking after two adorable babies that is.”
“Oh yeah, there is that.” She pats me playfully on the arm and she raises her eyebrows. “Good luck with that by the way.”
“Thanks... I think I’m going to need it.”
I’m scared, but happy too. The happiest I’ve ever been. It isn’t a traditional family, like my parents would like for me, but it’s mine, and I feel so very lucky. It might not be the way anyone else has it, but I really do have it all. Finally, I have it made.
Chapter Twenty Seven – Ben
Everything in the house feels wrong. I’ve tried to baby proof it as much as possible, even though everyone has told me that it’s much too soon, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. I have the cribs, the prams, the endless supplies of diapers and baby clothes littering almost every surface, but it feels too much like a bachelor pad than anything else.
“Shit, what do I need to do?” I scan my eyes everywhere, looking for whatever I’m missing, but I just can’t find it right away. My brain isn’t quite switched on yet. “What am I missing?”
Maybe I should have gone with Mom to the hospital to pick Serena, Brandon, and Rose up, but I wanted to get everything right and now I’m absolutely agonising over every tiny detail. I just want it to be perfect, I just want them all to have a happy home to come back to. I want them to have a home suitable for the babies, and for Serena. Unfortunately I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know the first thing about babies.
“Honey, we’re here!” Mom yells through the door. “Are you alright?”
“Erm, yeah, I think so.” I race into the hallway quickly and still in a state of panic. “Hold on, let me come and help you with all the stuff.”
Behind Mom stands a vision of beauty. Serena, with her long dark hair falling down her back, with her sparkling eyes glinting, and my baby boy in her arms. A bright smile spreads across my face, I can feel my heart hammering against my rib cage, my breaths ragged, my stomach soaring with happiness.
I grab a load of bags and bring them all into the living room. Once there, Mom rests Rose in a Moses basket I have in the front room for nap time and Serena does the same with Brandon. I’m sure these moments of them both being asleep will be far and few between so I’m going to just enjoy this one.
“The car gets them to sleep,” Serena tells me with a smirk. “That might be something we need to remember for when things get desperate.”
“I’m going to get the kettle on. I think we all need a hot drink, am I right?” Mom moves into the kitchen tactfully, allowing me to enjoy this moment even more.
I move closer to Serena and I wrap my arms around her. As she falls into my embrace I feel ecstatic, like I could explode. This is the best sensation in the world, and although I’m acutely aware of all the horrors that happened during the months we missed, they melt away as her body moulds into mine. It seems that after everything, we really can start again.
I put a finger under her chin and I tilt her head up to look at me. I delve headfirst into her gaze and swim around in all the emotions. Then I take that one step forward and I move my lips into hers with anticipation filling my veins. This will be the very first time that I’ve kissed her ever since things fell apart and I cannot wait for that moment. The chemistry is still there, thick and strong between us, I know that things will be good between us again and I cannot wait for that to get started.
But just as our lips merely brush against one another, Rose breaks out into the loudest, most horrific scream that I’ve heard from her yet.
“I suppose we should get used to that,” Serena chuckles against my lips. “I guess it’s going to be a really long time before we have any time alone together.”
“I will always be here,” Mom says as she comes back into the room with our drinks. “If you need a break. I will love to take these two little mites of your hands.”
“That’s kind of you, Mom. Thank you.”
I reach into the basket and I grab Rose out, then I hold her to my chest. Soon, she settles against me and she calms right down. It seems that she just needs to be held. As I clutch her to me, I realise that I am going to like being a father so much more than I thought I would. This means everything to me, and it’s only going to get better from here...
***
“Oh my God,” I moan loudly as I wake up for the fifth time in what feels like two hours. “I am so damn tired. How is possible to function on so little sleep?”
“It’s definitely your turn though,” Serena grumbles sleepily back without even opening her eyes. She’s much too tired to even move. “I definitely got up the last time.”
I really don’t think she did, but I’m not going to argue that point. After all, she carried these babies around for nine months without any help from me, I owe her this much. I push my weary ass into a standing position and move over to the cribs. This time it’s Brandon weeping, but I can see Rose stirring too, so I scoop the pair of them up in one arm each in the way I quickly realised I can do, and I take them down the stairs. Serena has some bottles of her milk made up for night time feeds, so I can help up too.
“Right, my little babies,” I say softly as I lay them in the baskets that sit side by side. “Let me just get you some milk, then we’ll get started.”
They whimper and whine as I move into the kitchen, but since we have two we can’t hold them all the time. I grab some bottles quickly and then lean over my little darlings as I feed them.
“You know, I haven’t always been the best,” I confess, the sleep deprivation is making me much too honest. “I haven’t always been good to your Mom, or the two of you, but that’s something that I want to change. I want to be better for you. I don’t ever want to let you down, I don’t ever want to do to you what my dad did to me. I don’t want to leave you.” I flick my eyes between them both, committing their faces to memories all over again. “You both deserve the world, and I really hope I can be the one to give that to you. It’s only been a few weeks now, you’re what, nine weeks old? I’ve been doing my best during that time, and that’s something I want to continue.” I pause for a moment, thinking about Serena and how well she’s taken to being a mother. “Your Mom is the good one, she’s really great with you guys. She just has this natural instinct that means she knows exactly what to do without even trying... I envy her a lot. I wish I could be that good. She just doesn’t even worry. I do all the worrying, she just get things done. She’s fantastic. I’m lucky to have her. We all are, you know? I don’t know what any of us would do without her...”
Oh God, I must be rambling so much that I’m boring the babies. They’ve both gone back to sleep. I place the bottles on the floor and try to steel myself ready to stand. I need to get up, I need to get the babies back in my arms carefully so I don’t wake them again, and I need to get them back in their cribs.
That’s what I need to do, but I just haven’t got the energy, or the heart. They both look just fine where they are. I settle myself into the couch where I intend to wait for just a little bit longer. Just until I can work up the energy. My body has already moulded into the soft cushions, I can already feel the weariness coming for me, claiming me, begging me to rest.
It won’t be long. I just need a minute. I can feel my eyes sliding closed, so I’ll let them do it for just a moment. I just need a second, just a little rest...
***
“Hey, Ben, are you okay?” I feel my body shaking and my eyes rapidly snap open. “Are you alright? What are you doing down here? I woke up and you and the babies weren’t there... I freaked, I really did. You can’t do that to me, it scared me.”
“Oh God.” I push myself up into a sitting positon and try to work out what happened. “I’m so sorry I brought the babies down to feed them and then I must have fallen asleep...”
“It’s okay, I know that now,” Serena laughs warmly. “I just wanted to check that you’re okay, that’s all. You don’t look very comfortable sleeping there on the couch.”
“Are the babies alright?” I can’t immediately see them, which has me panicked. “Where are they? What’s happened? Have I missed something?”
“They’re up, changed, dressed... I’ve sorted them this morning. All good. Now they’re having a bit of floor time. Nothing to worry about.”
“Floor time?” I rub the sleep from my eyes as I try to work out what’s happening. “What’s that?”
“They lie and play on the floor, and eventually start rolling over, look...”
I glance over to where she’s pointing to see my babies playing and enjoying themselves. My heart flies with joy at the sight. They look so content there, thanks to Serena. She really knows what she’s doing, I really did mean that. Without her, I would be a mess.
Without her, I was a mess. We already proved that, I don’t need yet another reminder. Serena is my anchor. I wouldn’t be anything if she wasn’t here. I want to cling onto her and never let her go.
“Oh well thank you for sorting them, I’m sorry about worrying you.”
She sits next to me and pulls my face towards hers for a kiss. Her lips crash into mine in a deep and passionate way, that’s unexpected for this early in the morning, but it feels nice. It’s only a small moment, but I love that it’s just for us. Despite all the madness and chaos that’s happening around us, we’re still managing to find a way to just be us. I really think that it’s going to work between us, I really do. I think we’re going to go the distance.
In fact, I want to make sure of it.
As Serena moves away from me to go into the kitchen to make us breakfast, my mind starts spinning and I begin planning. Maybe not now, because things are so damn crazy and so up in the air, but I am going to make this woman my wife. I want us all to be a family that is solidified in the most traditional way possible. It’s something I never thought I would want, but now the idea is everything to me. The thought of walking up the aisle with Serena is everything to me. She in a white dress, me in a suit, our babies there, my mother, maybe even her parents if they deem a wedding a reason to visit, unlike our babies. Ethan too, Serena’s brother. He will definitely be there. Jenny and Tia too. Everyone that has been there along the way with our love story, everyone who has supported and helped us, all of them should be there as we say I do.
I hate to admit that Mom was right about that one, but my God was she right. She could see it before me, she knew that Serena was the one for me. My life would be so much more straight forward if I just listened to her from the start. She is so going to say I told you so.
Chapter Twenty Eight – Serena
“This is lovely, isn’t it?” I breathe a sigh of relief once both the kids are sleeping. “It’s so rare that they’re both asleep at the same time. I mean, it’s better than it was in the beginning, but rare... ooh.” Ben immediately starts running kisses up and down my neck which sends a shiver racing up and down my spine. It’s a delicious sensation that comes from nowhere. “You’re being very loving today, what’s going on with you?”
He has as well, he’s been much more touchy feeling ever since I woke him up this morning on the couch. It’s almost as if something has shifted in his mind and I don’t know what it is. I want to ask him, but his mouth is too busy being all over me.
“I sure am, but how can I not be loving when I have you.”
I turn my body towards him and curl up into him so he can kiss me hard. His lips feel incredible up against mine and they make me gasp. I know I said to Jenny that I wouldn’t ever have sex again after the horror of giving birth, but that’s all been long forgotten now. Now with Ben running his hands up and down my curves I want him again desperately.
“Oh God, that feels good,” I groan. “So fucking good.”
Ben pushes me back, he lies me down on the couch and kisses me all over my face and neck. Each time his lips brush against me the sensations of excitement intensify within me. I throw my hands above my head and close my eyes. His hands reach down and slowly unbuttons my flannel pyjama top. It isn’t the sexiest item that I’ve ever worn, but Ben is pawing at it like it is. I don’t have a bra on underneath, so his hand cups my breast in an instant which makes Ben’s breathing become much more intense and ragged.
“Oh God, Serena, you feel so good. I can’t even describe it. You’re amazing.”
Despite the fact that we have children now and everything is really different, it still kinda feels like our first time together. The way he grasps at me needily, like it’s the very first time he’s ever grasped hold of me. I love it, I love the way this makes me feel.
Then his mouth moves over one of my nipples and my back arches against him. He teases by rolling and teasing and tugging with his teeth. It’s an odd painful sensation that somehow manages to be incredibly pleasurable. He’s on fire, and he’s lighting my body up like a damn Christmas tree as he does. I fire on every cylinder, my excitement level growing.
“Oh, Ben.” I run my fingers through his hair, fixing him in place, and he continues to run his tongue all over me. “You’re killing me right now.”
When he shifts his body upwards so he can kiss my mouth I take the opportunity to slide my fingers tantalisingly down his body so I can feel his cock. I’ve missed him, more than I thought I would and now I need to hold him. I need to feel that thick steel rod of his between my fingers. The idea makes my mouth water. I can barely contain myself.
It doesn’t take me long to find his length, after all I’m still very familiar with his body, and as I hold him between my fingers, my heart explodes with love. That’s how all of this started, with a deep sexual connection that I hadn’t ever felt before. Who knew that connection would turn into all of this? I think even with my rose-tinted goggles on, I didn’t know it would be this incredible.
I run my hand up and down his thick warm length, gasping blissfully as I do. Sometimes I forget how big he really is, and it gives me that nervous excitement sensation in my chest once more.
“I gotta tell you, Serena,” Ben grunts into my ear, allowing his breath to tickle my cheek. “Your touch is about to fucking make me explode. You want to be careful if you don’t want this to be over all too quickly.”
I pout and pull my hand away. “Fine, but I’m not happy about it.”
“And to think, I assumed I would be the one to corrupt you. Little did I know it would be you who corrupted me.”
His words fire me up even further, so I spin myself around until he’s the one on his back and I’m straddling him. I love this sensation of power and control, it makes me feel sexy. Which is hard since I’m in these flannel pyjama bottoms...
I push myself off Ben and slide them down. I don’t have any panties on anyway, I must have forgotten to put some on, which works out well now. Then I climb back on and sit above him so he can see all of me. Yes, my body has changed. I don’t think any woman can go through labour and come out of it completely the same, especially since I’ve had twins, but the way that Ben’s looking at me it’s as if I still look exactly the same as I did the day we first me.
“You really are something else, you know that?” Ben pushes himself up to kiss me. One of his hand knots up into my hair but the other one runs slowly up and down my thigh. With every brush he gets ever nearer to where I need him, which soaks my slit and gets me even more desperate for him. It’s been too long, I might just explode.
“Will you stop teasing already?” I gasp breathlessly. “Don’t forget we have two little mites who enjoy ruining our alone time together at every opportunity.”
“You’re right with that one.”
He slips one finger right up into me, and it feels incredible. My body bucks violently as a reaction to the way he caresses and massages my insides. He’s touching me like I’m something precious, something to be looked after, which is surprisingly what I need. It’s slow and sensual and it feels really good.
Eventually he brings his thumb into the mix, which he flicks over my clit. My body is already so hypersensitive that a pressure instantly stiffens me. My stomach is hot, my head spins, my heart hammers... I’m losing control. I can see what Ben meant now when he said about me touching him, it’s too much. The only difference is that I’m too weak to stop him. I don’t want it to end...
“Oh my God, Ben,” I pant. “I can’t... it’s too...”
I’m on the knife edge, teetering on the edge of desire. It won’t take long for me to fall into the abyss, I can feel it, the pleasure is coming for me. It’s rushing towards me like a hurricane, swirling in my belly, spinning too rapidly through me...
Then Ben yanks his fingers out of me which gives me a moment to breathe. I try to calm myself down, I need to bring everything back down before anything else happens so I don’t lose myself too quickly, but I can’t seem to do it. I’m burning brightly, swimming in stars, any minute now I think I might fall into the abyss of pleasure whether Ben is touching me or not. The memory of his fingers is all too much.
“I think it’s best to be safe,” he gushes while grabbing a condom from his pocket. “After what happened before.”
I giggle a bit of a nervous sound. “Yeah, I think you’re right. We learnt that lesson the hard way. Always be careful.”
Once he rolls the latex over him, I pull him back towards me. I wait for him to angle himself into me so that I can ride him, but he doesn’t let that happen. Instead, Ben takes control by flipping me so I’m the one on my back. Once there he rests his forehead against mine and he gazes into my eyes. As we stare at once another there’s so much love flowing between us that it swells and fills up my chest.
“I love you,” Ben insists in his strongest, sweetest voice. “You have no idea how much, Serena. You really are my whole world.”
And there it is. The reminder that it isn’t the same. It’s better, it’s more, it’s everything. Ben really is mine now, we don’t have that element of uncertainty anymore. It’s me and him against the world. Well, with Brandon and Rose too, of course. Our reason to keep on fighting.
“I love you too.” I kiss the end of his nose gently. “You’re my world.”
When Ben kisses me again I fell him slide inside me, which instantly drags me back into that deep, passionate haze again. My hair spreads out around my, my eyes roll into the back of my head, my hips buck of their own accord... me and Ben are back, doing what we do best.
He fills me up and pushes deeper with every thrust. I can feel him hitting all the right spots already, and since I’m already on fire this just sends me over the edge too quickly. I cry out and I trash as I draw ever nearer to the wonderful, unexpected moment that I’ve been desperately waiting for ever since I sat down on this couch and Ben started kissing me.
“Oh fuck, Ben!”
I’m over the edge, I’ve fallen. The hurricane has exploded within me. It’s swirling, twirling, cascading, taking me down and I love the sensation. It’s incredible. I never want it to end, especially with Ben gripping onto me as if he feels the same way.
This is someone that I could easily spend the rest of my life with, I think as the pleasure booms. I love him, he loves me, this time I think it might just last.
Once we lie in one another’s arms, panting and gasping in the post coital bliss, I revisit that last thought I had as the orgasm swirled and crashed inside me. Actually, I think I’ve always thought that Ben is someone I could marry, that’s why I got so carried away by him in the first place, but now I really feel it. Now it isn’t just a fantasy, it’s a reality. It’s not like I think it’s going to happen any time soon, but it isn’t something that I think will never happen either.
Mom, Dad, if only you could see me now. If only you could learn that it all worked out for the best. Would you still stick by your decision to throw me out when I needed you the most?
I don’t even care about their actions anymore, it’s them missing out, not me. I’m doing just fine with my brand new family. They don’t deserve a piece of me, not anymore. I have everything that I need right here.
“Are you hungry?” Ben gasps from beside me. “Shall we use this rare free time to do something else that we adore?”
“What, eat?” I laugh. “Sure, that sounds great.” My stomach grumbles loudly at the mere mention of food. “Really great apparently. Thank you. What did you have in mind?”
“I do a really good meat and beans on toast, how does that sound?”
“Mmm, it sounds delicious. Thank you, my wonderful top chef.”
“Top chef?” He wiggles his eyebrows playfully at me. “You have no idea, you’re in for a real treat.”
When Ben stands up and he pulls his clothes back on him, or more comfortably around him anyway, things happened a bit quick for us to get him fully naked, I smirk happily to myself at the sight of him. I really did land a good guy; handsome, lovely, a great father... I really don’t need anything else. Somehow I managed to get it all.
Chapter Twenty Nine – Ben
“Are you ready for this?” Tia asks me nervously, fiddling with my clothing as if she’s my mom. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
“Will you stop it?” I bat her hands away from my shirt. “I know what I’m doing, alright? You’re going to make me more nervous than I am.” I glance my eyes everywhere. “Do you think it looks alright? Do you think she’ll be happy with it?”
“You know who you’re talking about right?” Tia giggles. “Serena will love it. She loves everything that you do, but the fact that you’ve gone to so much effort for her birthday will make her weep. Don’t forget, the last birthday she had she spent pregnant and alone.”
“Don’t remind me.” A darkness clouds me for a moment, I will always feel guilty for that. “I didn’t even know it was her birthday then, I can’t be blamed.”
“I know, I know. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just reminding you that she will absolutely love anything you do for her. You’ve gone from strength to strength these last ten months. This surprise party is something she’ll love.” Tia glances down to my pocket. “It’s the other bit I’m worrying about. Do you know what you’re doing? What you’re going to say?” I nod slowly. “I have to admit that proposing in front of a lot of people is a very brave thing to do. Either brave or crazy stupid, I can’t quite work out which one you are.”
I roll the ring around in my pocket, loving the feel of it there. “Yes, I know, but this is right, you know? And it isn’t everyone. Just the people who have been a big part of this.”
“Yeah, I know, that’s true.” She glances at her watch. “Right, we better get ready because your mom will be here with the kids in a minute, then it won’t be long until Jenny comes back with Serena after their spa day.”
“You and Jenny all good now then?” I know that she’s probably told me already, but I’ve been too tired running a business and being a dad to fully pay attention to everything going on around me. “All the Mike stuff sorted out?”
“Once we trapped him into confessing that he’d been seeing us both at the same time and he started crying... yeah, we became good friends after that. It was too glorious a moment for us not to bond over, you know?”
“Oh yeah... it sounds it.” I want to laugh, but I have to admit there’s a tiny part of me that feels sorry for Mike. Just a tiny bit. He probably didn’t realise what an asshole he was being, I never did when I led that freer life style. “Well, I’m glad it’s all done anyway. That’s pretty awesome.”
“Makes life easier... was that the door? I’ll go and get it, it’s probably your mom. You just... have a final check over the place, okay?”
She gives me a curious look, but when I nod and I send her away I can understand why I’m shaking all over, I’m a nervous wreck. I feel like I’m all kinds of messed up today. And on this day as well when I need more than ever to keep it together. This will be one of the most important days of my life. Right up there with the day that my kids were born.
Come on, Ben, keep your shit together, I warn myself. Make this a special day for Serena, she really does deserve it.
Mom walks in the room with Brandon and behind her I can see that Tia has Rose. My mother has been a legend when it comes to the twins. I can tell that they’ve revitalised her. She obviously lost her chance to be a parent again when my dad died, since she hasn’t met anyone since, and this has given her that opportunity. She’s grasped onto it with both hands and is now far happier than ever before.
“Ooh, it looks like you two have been busy the last few hours,” she says as she drinks it all in. “You’ve done a great job decorating this place. Serena is going to be very surprised.”
“You think she doesn’t know?” Oh great, my voice is shaking like crazy now. “You think I’ve managed to keep it a surprise?”
“Oh definitely, she doesn’t know. Jenny’s good at covering things up and her plan to take Serena to the spa is a good one.”
“Okay, okay, and what time are they due to be back?”
“Any minute now...” The sound of the door opening interrupts us, making my heart stop dead in my chest. “Okay, I guess now.”
We all take our places and wait. The kids make googling sounds which are adorable. Rose is starting to form words now, just the really basic ones, but she seems to have a sort of secret language with Brandon. It’s like they both know exactly what they’re saying, but no one else does. It’s adorable actually.
“...yeah, she was really nice, wasn’t she? Oh my God!” Serena gasps and claps her hand across her mouth in utter shock. “What’s going on here?”
“Surprise!!” we all yell in unison. Well, semi unison. It’s a little out of time but I think we just about manage to pull it off. “Happy birthday, Serena.”
The kids crawl over to their mommy. Brandon moves a little faster than his sister, but soon they’re both in Serena’s arms. She scoops them both up and hugs them tightly whispering to the pair of them how much she loves them. Then she turns her attention to the rest of us.
“This is amazing, I can’t believe that you’ve done this for me. It’s so nice.”
And that’s the moment the party kicks into gear. It’s a low key affair, without many people here, but that seems to make her very happy. She moves about talking to everyone in turn, while still being able to check on her children. I do the hard work so she can relax and enjoy herself, but she can’t keep away from them for long.
Eventually, she comes to me and she circles her arms around my back so she can press her face up against my back. “Thank you for this. I can’t believe you organised it all.”
“I had some help,” I admit while spinning around in her arms. “I didn’t do it all alone, but I did know that I had to do something nice for you. You do deserve it after all.”
“Well I really appreciate it, it’s awesome.”
I dip my head down to kiss her gently, and as I do I realise that the moment has come. It’s now or never, finally time for me to say what I need to say. I glance around the room and see that everyone is there, no one’s in the bathroom or anything, so I cough loudly to get everyone’s attention. It takes a few moments, but finally everyone seems to get the hint that I’m doing the thing that this has all been worked around, the thing that I’m here for.
“Right, everyone, thanks for coming.” All of a sudden I feel a flame bursting into my cheeks. I’d practiced this over and over again but now I can’t find the words in my brain. It’s as if someone has scrubbed my mind totally clean. “Erm, it’s good to have you here.”
I give Serena a desperate look, begging her to put me out of my misery, but of course she can’t. She has no idea what I’m about to say. I’m all on my own with this one. I dip my hand into my pocket and feel the ring there which gives me the confidence to go on.
I fall onto one knee and I stare up into Serena’s eyes. She widens her gaze and looks at me with complete and utter shock. At least this means it is all a surprise. I thought that somehow she might have found out by now, and she was just acting it, but I can tell in her face that isn’t the case at all.
“Serena, I love you. I mean, I really love you more than I thought anyone could love another person.” I rub her hand between my fingers, gleaning some strength from her. “I didn’t think I would ever be the sort of person to fall so hard and fast but I have. I know I panicked at one point and almost messed things up, but I hope that I’ve made up for it since then.”
You have,” she says thickly though the emotion. “You really have.”
“I think it would be nice for the kids, and for me and you too, if we made our love official. I love you so desperately and I would give anything for you to marry me. I want to spend today, tomorrow, and every day afterwards for the rest of our lives making you happy.” I give her a bright smile. “So what do you say? Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”
She hesitates, but only for a moment, and only because she’s so overwhelmed. As soon as she can speak again, she gasps out her answer, which thankfully for me is a positive one.
“Of course I will, I would love to be your wife, nothing would make me happier.”
I slide the ring onto Serena’s fingers as everyone jumps for joy and cheers around us. I hoped things would go this way but now that they have I feel over the moon. Judging by the happiness on Serena’s face she feels the same way. This is the sort of thing that neither of us expected to happen but here we are living the dream.
“That isn’t the only surprise,” I tell her as she flings her arms around me. “I have something else for you.”
She takes the envelope from me and she grins brightly. “More surprises? I don’t know if I can take any more. My heart is already pounding at a million miles an hour.” She tears the envelope open and stares at what’s inside. “You’ve booked us a weekend away? Are you serious?”
“Yep. I mean it’s just one night and two days because I didn’t think you’d be able to handle more than that away from the kids, but it should be fun, right? And Mom is staying here with the kids during that time so we can have some real me and you time.” God we need that. We’ve done our best considering we have twins, but a whole weekend of just us sounds like absolute heaven to me. “What do you think about that?”
Serena squeezes me so tight I can barely breathe. “Oh my God, that sounds utterly amazing. Are you sure about this, Iris?”
“I’m definitely sure. You know how I feel about these two little darlings. Plus, we can start compiling some wedding ideas for you two to think about, I’m sure you’ll want the ceremony soon since you’re doing things the wrong way around...”
“Alright, Mom.” I have to stop her before she drives me nuts. She’s about to really get carried away. “Don’t dress up your keenness for a wedding on us doing the right thing. We’ll get married when we get married, okay?”
“Alright, alright, you know I’m just really happy for you, that’s all.”
As Serena moves over to her girlfriends to hug them, I wonder if she’ll invite her parents. She doesn’t talk about them much and I don’t like to ask her in case it upsets her. The last I heard they sent her away with some money because she was an embarrassment to them for having a baby out of wedlock. But this is a time we might have to discuss it. We’re going to have to plan what we’re doing next.
Not now though, not today. Today is a happy day and I want it to stay that way. Anything challenging can come later on. This is my proposal day. The first day of the rest of our lives.
Epilogue – Serena
“How do you feel?” Ethan asks me, looking about as pale and anxious as I feel. “All good? You okay? I mean, you look great I just want make sure that you feel...”
“Will you stop it?” I beg as I smooth down my ivory mermaid tail gown, which I pretty much chose for the sweetheart neckline and lace detailing alone. “You’re making me panic here. The last thing I want to do is panic on my wedding day.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re right, it’s just... oh God.” Ethan’s eyes well up with tears. “Well I’m just so happy for you. And I’m so glad I decided to move to the city to be near you guys. Getting to reconnect with you and meeting, spending time with my niece and nephew, well it’s just been incredible. I feel so happy.”
I grip onto his hands and pull him to me for a grateful hug. “I’m so glad that you’re here too and I’m pleased it’s you walking me down the aisle.”
Mom and Dad are here, it would have been wrong not to invite them, and much as I’m not sure they deserve to know my babies, I need to be a grown up about it and give them a chance. If I think about it seriously, at least they gave me some money to get started with. They didn’t kick me out with nothing. I don’t mind giving them just one shot. It will only be the one though. They can be here, but not part of the wedding party. My very supportive brother deserves that role so much more, he’s never turned his back on me. Not once.
“I suppose we better get going in a minute. Your husband to be awaits.”
Luckily, the place we decided to stay in is just a short walk from the church, so I walk arm in arm with my brother and suck in some cool, fresh air which calms me down a bit. I don’t know what emotion is more prominent inside me, the excitement that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams, or the nerves that this day will end up in disaster. Iris has been amazing in helping everything to run smoothly, but I just want it all to go well.
“Oh look.” Ethan points in front of him. “There are your bridesmaids.”
Jenny has Rose with her and Tia has Brandon. No one but me thought it was a good idea to have my children as part of the ceremony while they’re so young, but they’ll soon see. They’re old enough to walk now and they both look utterly adorable in their outfits. There’s no doubt about it, today is going to be incredible.
“You look great,” Jenny instantly gushes as she spots me. “Really beautiful.”
“Oh well you two look wonderful too. I love the lilac on you both.” I don’t know if either of them agree, but they don’t complain. “Are you ready? I suppose we better do this.”
Jenny and Tia both hug me and whisper messages of congratulations and good luck to me, before they start walking with my little ones ahead of me into the church. I hear the music playing, it makes my heart skip a beat, but I manage to chill out just a little bit by thinking about the man waiting for me at the other side.
We fought hard to get to this place, we deserve this.
“I think that’s our cue.” Ethan grabs my arm again. “Come on, let’s go.”
All eyes fix on me as we walk into the church, but all I can see are a pair of hazelnut’s staring back at me with the same smiling look that he had when we first met. I was a naïve young girl waiting for my life to get exciting, dressed in barely anything and handing out drinks. He was the rich stranger who’s handsome good looks and kind nature made my time on the job seem not too bad. Who knew how irrevocably we would change one another.
“Wow,” he mouths as I get closer to him. “You look beautiful.”
I’m so fixed on him, loving the look of his moving lips, that I completely misstep and don’t quite keep in time with the music. But I’m sure it doesn’t matter. That isn’t what we’re here for after all.
Ethan hands me over to Ben who takes me willingly from him. Maybe it’s a bit archaic to be passing me along as if I’m some sort of property to be owned, but I don’t care. I like the traditional aspect of it all, it feels nice. I think I’ll enjoy the sensation of having just one person to care for me forever more.
“Friends and family of Ben Katch and Serena Jones,” the minister starts in a tone that booms around the quaint small church that’s been made even more beautiful by the pink and white roses decorating it. “Welcome, I would like to thank you for joining us on such a special day.” I don’t look anywhere but at Ben, my eyes already shining with pure love. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the special love between these two people by joining them in marriage. You have chosen to have your wedding here, because it symbolises the union you share and the love in which you wish to indulge in for the rest of your lives.”
There is a hush in the church, I can even feel myself holding my breath. I knew today would be an emotional one, but I didn’t think it would feel this intense. It’s almost overwhelming.
“Your marriage today is the public and legal joining of your souls that have already been united in your hearts...”
That’s it. I’m a mess. The tears stream down my cheeks making me so glad that I put on water proof make up this morning. It’s almost as if I knew that I would fall apart.
“Marriage will allow you to grow as individuals, as well as together, it will deepen your love and allow you to face the world together, hand in hand. Of course, you will need courage, patience, and a sense of fun to get you through this, but this time will ensure that you fall in love over and over again.”
Ben’s fingers loop through mine the entire way through the ceremony and I can feel myself gaining a strength from him. We are different, there’s no denying that. Our lives have been unique, we have grown into individuals, but those differences between us strengthen us as much as our similarities. He is my ying to my yang. I guess, we complete each other in a way. He gives me all the things I didn’t know I needed, and I think I do the same for him. Yes, we have struggled, but the fight we’ve endured now means we know we can tackle anything.
The only time Ben takes his hands away from mine is the moment he speaks out his vows and he slips the ring onto my finger. Because of how upside down and back to front our love story has been, we decided to stick to the traditional wedding vows.
“I, Ben Katch, take thee, Serena Jones, to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward until death do us part.” Once the ring is on my finger, Ben cannot help himself. He adds a little bit of his own. “After all, it was only ever going to be you, wasn’t it?”
Then, it’s my turn. “I, Serena Jones, take thee, Ben Katch, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To respect you in your successes and your failures, to care for you in sickness and in health, to nurture you, to grow with you throughout the seasons of life.” I cope him. Once the ring is on I add my own little bit. I basically say the same but with much less fuss. “Only you.”
“You may now kiss the bride.”
Ben spins me and dips me low in an unexpected dramatic fashion before he places his lips against mine, creating a massive whooping and cheering from the crowd around us. As we share our first kiss as husband and wife, I finally feel that sense of excitement that I’ve always been looking for, but this time it’s mixed in with security too, making it the most amazing feeling in the world. With our children beside us and our friends and family watching us and sharing in this moment, I couldn’t be happier. Everything is perfect.
“I love you,” Ben whispers as we finally pull apart. “Only you.”
Only you, it seems that is going to become our thing, our mantra to push us forwards when it seems to hard to do so, our motto to remind us that even when it seems that way, it really isn’t that bad. Only you, the words of me and Ben. The glue holding us together.
“I love you too,” I tell him softly while gently stroking his cheek. “You and only you.”