Chapter Twelve – Rebekah

I stare at my cell phone screen miserably, wondering if I’m ever going to get the text I want to make me happy again. The screen is blank, frustratingly empty, but I suppose it doesn’t even make any difference when it’s not. It isn’t like Bryn messages me what I want to hear, it’s only ever excuses. Tia’s fucked it, he doesn’t want to see me again and it’s killing me. This is the most heartbroken moment that I’ve ever felt. The pain I experienced with my last break up is insignificant compared to what I’m going through now. This is wrenching. Knowing that we were so close to having it all just before it was snatched away from us… it’s utterly gutting.

“What’s up with ya?” Amber says as she sways towards me, clearly intoxicated. “You not having fun?” She leans down to stare at my face, as if she’s trying to see it clearly. “Is it because Tia was a massive bitch today?”

“No,” I admit glumly. “I barely even notice what Tia says to me anymore. She’s said so much, it doesn’t register.” I don’t think she likes that she can’t get to me anymore, but even turning it up is nothing. “I’m okay.”

“Well, you clearly aren’t, so why don’t you talk about it?” Amber takes the seat next to me and slamming her drink down on the table. The smell of it makes me screw my nose up, but then I can’t seem to stand the scent of anything anymore. Especially not this bar. It must be the stress. “Tell me all about your woes. Is it Bryn?”

I snap my eyes towards her in shock. Aside from Mya, no one has directly addressed me about Bryn yet. I know they’re all aware, Tia has utterly made sure of that, but it’s become this taboo thing. I guess that’s changed because I’m acting like such a miserable cow. I just can’t seem to shake this negative funk off. I feel bad being out and bringing everyone down, but Mya and the others are having a good time, so they don’t seem too bothered.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be all…” Urgh, how do I describe my behavior? “Boring…”

“Just because you aren’t drinking booze, doesn’t make you dull,” Amber insists. “It’s fine.”

“No, I didn’t so mean that, but thanks…” I mutter this, but somehow, she manages to overhear.

“You know, it’s the smell, isn’t it? You don’t like the smell of it. It has to be or you’d be drowning your sorrows. There’s no better way to forget about an idiot man than to drink them out of your brain.”

“Erm…” I don’t think that’s the best advice in the world, but I chose to ignore that. “Sure.”

“Right, I thought as much. I can sort of tell from the paleness of your skin. It has a bit of a sickly look.”

“Yeah… thanks…” Is Amber trying to make me feel better? Because it definitely isn’t working.

“My sister was exactly the same. That’s what made her do the test in the end, or she might not have known for ages.” Amber cackles out a laugh. “Not until she had a big round belly anyway. That’s a big clue!”

“Belly?” Something about her almost nonsensical words gives me a chill. “What do you mean?”

“You know.” Amber shrugs. “When she was pregnant. She couldn’t stand the smell of anything.”

All of a sudden, the world begins to spin, I feel like I’ve downed a whole bottle of wine rather than a small glass of juice. My lungs squeeze tight, I can’t suck back enough air no matter how hard I try. It’s as if there isn’t enough oxygen in the world. Amber’s voice takes on a cartoonish wah wah wah quality, I can barely hear anything that she’s saying, my brain is centered on one thought, and one thought alone… I could be pregnant.

I can’t believe I haven’t thought of that before, it all seems so obvious now. I’ve been tired, lethargic, sickly. I put it all down to how rubbish things have been, but maybe that was wrong of me. If I’m honest with myself, me and Bryn always got so caught up in the moment that we didn’t even stop to think about protection. I was so wrapped up in him that I didn’t even think of anything else. I was consumed… and now I’m facing the consequences of that. I might actually be having a child with a man who doesn’t want to know me.

“I’m sorry,” I gasp while sliding out of my seat. “I have to go, Amber, I don’t feel good.” I glance down at her seeing concern through the blurriness of my vision, but I’m hoping that she’s too drunk to remember what she’s said in a minute. This is something that I really need to deal with myself first of all. “I need a rest. I need some air. Will you just tell the others that I… I said goodbye and I’ll see you later on.”

I don’t wait for Amber to confirm what I’ve said. I take off at the speed of light. In my mind’s eye, I see images of me holding a screaming baby who just wants his father and I can’t do anything about that because Bryn hates me now. If he’s annoyed at me for people finding out about us, an unplanned baby with destroy us. There won’t be any coming back from this and I have no doubt that I’ll be the one who ends up blamed.

Don’t get carried away, I warn myself. Find out for sure, do a test, it’s the only way.

I never wanted to be the girl skulking into a pharmacy at a late hour to sneak a pregnancy test, yet here I am doing just that. The only way I will be able to get even a moment of sleep tonight is by getting my definitive answer. As I sneak through the aisles, looking for the test section, my brain darts off in different directions. One moment I’m convinced that everything is going to be fine and that I’ve simply let Amber get under my skin. Nothing to worry about at all. And the next minute I’m deep in panic town again, planning for a future that I never thought would happen. I don’t know if I’m old enough to do this by myself.

This will end up my cheerleading career, I think as I wrap my fingers around a test. I’ll have nothing.

Bit by bit I see myself losing friends, Bryn, cheerleading, and sliding into a very isolating life. To be fair, I don’t have any experience with babies, I have no idea what it’s like, but I know it’ll mean an end to my social life. I won’t be able to behave in a young and free way again. Everything will be different.

“That’ll be fourteen eighty, please,” the spotty teenage boy behind the counter says in a bored tone of voice. I feel so panicky that I almost imagine him posting CCTV footage of my buying this test online for everyone to see. Maybe if he knew who the father could be, then he would. “Thanks.” He grabs my note.

I take the offending item, wrapped up tightly in a paper bag, and I practically run back to my apartment. As my feet move at the speed of light, I can feel eyes prickling all over me. I’m sure no one really has any interest in me and there could be anything in this bag, but I’m utterly paranoid to a ridiculous level. I can’t let go until I’m locked away inside my apartment with all the curtains closed. I don’t relax, but I’m not as tense.

“Right,” I mutter to myself as I take a seat on the couch. “What the fuck do I do here?”

I understand the general concept of taking a pregnancy test. You pee on a stick and then find out if your whole life is about to be turned upside down or not, but I want to do it right. I want my definitive answer now, I really don’t want there to be any confusion. I want to know that the negative is real. When I see whatever symbol it is that tells me I’m not having a baby, I want to one hundred percent feel confident in that. I’ll be awake all freaking night long if it’s uncertain. I’ll have to head out and buy loads more tests.

I scan my eyes over the instructions, growing increasingly worked up the entire time, so when I actually take the stick into the bathroom, my hand is shaking like a leaf. I don’t know how I’m going to hold it still. I try and steady myself before I sit down, but it doesn’t really work. I aim the best I can, hoping that it’s enough.

Once I’m done, I pace up and down the bathroom floor, refusing to take a look. It’s going to take three whole minutes before I find out the results. That’s the longest God damn time in the world. It doesn’t sound much, it should be easy to pass by, but when I’m waiting for the biggest news of my life I can barely stand it.

It’s going to be fine. This will just be a blip, a moment created because I’m not feeling good about it. Tomorrow, I’ll be able to laugh about this with Amber, I won’t know what got into me.

It isn’t going to be fine. I’ve been careless. It’s basic sex one oh one to not sleep with someone without protection. It’s the most basic rule in the world, I deserve this, I should be punished for being so dumb.

“Oh God,” I groan while falling backwards onto the toilet seat. “What have I done?”

I don’t know if I’m mature enough for this, I’m not sure that I’ll be able to handle it. I feel messy and raw at the mere thought. I don’t have a life plan, there’s not some structure that I’m supposed to follow, I much prefer to go with the flow, but I’m sure this is a step too far. This is probably why you should plan.

I probably shouldn’t have done this alone, maybe my friends should be here, supporting me. If I’d thought about it before running away then I might have made a different choice. Even if they’re all a little drunk tonight, it would be so much better than being alone.

Fuck, it’s time! I leap up as soon as I think that three minutes has definitely passed and I grab onto the white stick. I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in the base of my throat while I slowly turn it over, my heart rattling against my rib cage while I wait to see. It’s time to finally find out the truth…

Positive. It’s positive. I’m actually going to have a baby. Amber’s intuition was right, I’m pregnant. I go into catatonic shock as I stare at it, trying my hardest to digest this shocking information.

It’s only when my cell phone bleeps with a text message that I manage to drag myself out of the moment for just a second. Maybe it’s Bryn and he’s sensed that I need him right now. My heart lifts with joy…

Maya: ‘Hey, where are you? He who shall not be named has just walked in. Do you need rescuing? x’

Oh. Maybe not then. Instead of sensing that I need him, or even being at the gym where he told me he absolutely had to go tonight, he’s out, probably on the pull. Looking for his next victim. I think I might well have been tricked by one of the master manipulators of our time… and now I’m tied to him forever with his baby.

Wonderful.