Chapter Thirteen – Bryn

Rebekah: ‘Hi, Bryn, I just wanted to check in on you to see if everything is okay. I’m concerned after what happened the other day and since I haven’t heard from you. I hope I can see you soon. Xxxx’

Me: ‘Sorry, been busy, had a lot of training. Will see you soon.’

Rebekah: ‘Hey, Bryn, how are you? I missed you today. I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve seen you. I hope everything is okay. Do you think we can meet up soon? Xx’

Me: ‘Just got out of the gym, sorry.’

Rebekah: ‘Am I ever going to see you? Are we over? I would much prefer to know.’

Me: ‘Oh, sorry I’ve only just seen this message.’

Rebekah: ‘Okay, so have you made a decision yet?’

Rebekah: ‘Are you ignoring me now? I don’t even deserve to know how you feel?’

Rebekah: ‘I think you should call me… we really need to talk.’

What the hell is wrong with me? As I look over the messages that I’ve shared with Rebekah over the last few days, I feel like shit. I hate myself for all the crap excuses, it isn’t good at all. I wish I could find some middle ground, but I can’t. It has to be this way. I have to be cold, there’s no other choice. I don’t have to like it. I’ve even giving up replying because I don’t know what other excuses I can make. It’d be easier if she would just get the hint and back off. I don’t really want that, but it would make my decision so much easier. I should have just encouraged a hook up between her and James more. That would make things so much simpler now.

It doesn’t help that I have a little bit of a hangover either, that’s sinking my mood lower. I did have fun out with Andrew last night, it was nice to be invited out and to get some of my emotions off my chest, but it all went downhill right at the end when I saw some of the cheerleader girls at a bar. And not just any of them, Rebekah’s friends. I had this cold, scary sensation that I was going to stumble across her, which dampened my spirit. I couldn’t even drag my mood back up again when I realized she wasn’t there. The damage was done.

Sadly, I think that might be because I wanted her to be there. It was a shock, but there was a cheeky side of me that wanted nothing more than to drag her into my bed again. To kiss her, to hold her, to have that delicious sensation that she’s mine all over again. She might complicate things but there isn’t anything quite like the way that she makes me feel. Maybe I would regret it today, but perhaps I wouldn’t. I might even feel a lot less shitty than I do this morning. I might even be able to bring out a smile as I think about what we used to be.

“Bryn, what is with you this morning?” Dad asks me wearily. “I keep trying to talk to you and I’m getting nothing. It’s very obvious that something is happening and it might make it easier if you just talk to me.”

I can’t meet his eyes. He feels like the last person in the world I can talk to. I can’t bring up the basketball stuff because that’ll make him disappointed, and I don’t want to talk about Rebekah since it has faded to nothing. There’s no point in discussing a relationship that’s long gone now. I hate to admit it, but it’s over.

“It’s nothing, Dad,” I grumble like a petty teenager. “Just some personal stuff that I don’t want to talk about.”

“Women problems, that’s obviously what it is. So, since I’ve had relationships of my own, why not try me?”

“It’s more complicated than that, Dad. It’s not just a relationship drama, it’s an everything drama,”

“Oh, well of course it is!” Dad doesn’t sound surprised at all. “It’s your first girlfriend, right?”

I shake my head rapidly. “I wouldn’t call Rebekah my girlfriend, we aren’t there just yet.”

“Ah, so it got screwed up before you got to the labels stage? I see, that is complicated…”

I can’t stand Dad thinking he knows what I’m talking about, maybe this is his plan but it makes me react. “No, Dad, it’s not like that. I just can’t have it all, okay? I can’t have Rebekah and my career. I can’t seem to keep focused on it all so I’ve had to make a sacrifice. All the best people have to do it for success.”

Dad furrows his eyebrows in confusion, and to be fair I can’t exactly blame him. I don’t even know what I’m talking about I’m trying to justify why I’ve done what I have. “Right, so no one with success is happy.”

“Success will make me happy,” I explode while I fling my hands in the air. Why did I come here for breakfast again? That was a dumb ass mistake. “That’s why I work so fricking hard. I need to make this happen.”

Dad look down at my curled up fists and white knuckles with an unimpressed expression. “So, that’s what you’re chasing, is it? You want success to make you happy? Because I don’t think it will work…”

“I want to earn good money too.” The flood gates have opened and I don’t think I can close them. “I want to give you a good life, and I want myself to be comfortable as well. I don’t want to struggle anymore.”

Dad’s eyes flicker downwards, he looks guilty which makes me feel terrible. I didn’t mean that to come out in quite that way. I just wanted him to understand why I need to sacrifice everything so much.

“I tried to give you a good life after I lost your mom,” he says quietly. “I didn’t realize you felt like that.”

“No, I…” I tug my fingers through my hair, trying not to get too stressed about it all. “I didn’t mean… Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I want to repay you for all that you’ve done for me.”

Dad shakes his head. “I don’t need that. I would much rather have you be happy.” Finally, his eyes meet mine. “I haven’t seen you anything like as happy as you have been since you met this girl. She’s had an impact on you, and when a woman makes you smile like that, it isn’t worth throwing away over nothing.”

He’s giving me pause for thought, but again he doesn’t get it. “But, Dad, this is my basketball career you’re talking about here. This is everything that I’ve worked towards forever. You can’t think I should give it up.”

“I don’t think anything,” he replies mysteriously. “I think you should chase what makes you happy. Everything that makes you happy. It seems to me that you need to find a way to have it all.”

“But I tried that. I didn’t work. I can’t have it all no matter how hard I try.”

“Son.” Dad gives me an intense look. “You are the sort of person who gets fully absorbed in one thing. I think the problem is your one track mind. You can’t seem to separate things. I was a bit like that when I first met your mom.” My heart stops dead in my chest. This isn’t like Dad at all. “Did I ever tell you that story?”

He hasn’t ever really volunteered information about my mother before. As far as I can remember, I’ve always had to pry it out of him. What’s changed now? Why is he all of a sudden prepared to talk? “No, you haven’t.”

“I met her while I was working my very first job. A paper round,” he tells me with a wistful smile on his face. There’s a dreamy look in his eyes that makes me wish I could delve right into his brain to see. There’s always been a little part of me that wishes I could get to know my mom. This might be the time. “I spotted her right away and instantly fell in love. Of course, she wouldn’t look at me then. I was a scrawny fourteen year old boy and she was a gorgeous almost seventeen year old. She wanted a boyfriend with a car then.”

“Wait, Mom was older than you?” I chuckle. “I never knew that.”

“Yeah, well she was. And I would always take extra time while delivering the papers on her street so she would have the chance to see me… not that she did. It wasn’t until five years later that she actually noticed me.” For the first time ever, he looks at peace while he’s discussing her. I wonder what this means. “And then she was the one who actually ended up asking me on a date… that was just her way. She wasn’t one to sit back and wait for things to happen. She would demand it, make things go her way, I loved that about her.”

The image that I’ve seen of Mom in photograph comes into my mind, but this time she starts to become a bit of a person with a life and personality. I become hungry for more information to fill the gaps.

“And of course, we fell in love very quickly. I fell for her hard and fast. She absolutely consumed me.” He looks at me, almost guiltily so. “I think you have this impression that my shoe business went downhill because of you, but that’s not the truth. The moment I got with your mother, I started to neglect things. I forgot about it because I was utterly consumed by her. I didn’t even care about my dream anymore. It was probably better after… well, you know.” I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat. I don’t want to think about Mom dying, that’s absolutely gutting. Especially when that’s at least partly my fault. I didn’t ask to be born, but my birth is the catalyst. “That’s why I never met anyone since, Son. Because I was scared that it would consume me and I would forget about you. I feared neglecting you without even meaning to. I thought that I was doing the right thing, but now I can see that actually, I damaged you. If I had tried to figure out a way around it and let you see a much healthier relationship, then you wouldn’t be in this situation right now. So, for that, I’m sorry.”

I part my lips, needing to say something, but there’s nothing to come out. I don’t know what to say, I didn’t know any of this so my brain has filled in the gaps for me. I’ve assumed too much which has probably closed me off to the rest of the world. I never let anyone in… well, not until Rebekah anyway.

“So, Bryn, what you should do is try to have everything that makes you happy. Even if it isn’t easy, because in the end it might well be worth it. Don’t give up on love because it’s scary and all consuming. Embrace it, find a way to make it fit into your life because I would change what me and your mom had for the world.”

I glance down at my cell phone again with a new idea forming in my mind. It’s all trial and error, I failed before but that doesn’t mean I should give up completely. Not when my feelings are so strong for her. But that’s not something I can say by text message, not now that I’ve been such a dick. I have to find her, to talk things through face to face. I need to try one more time. Maybe, just maybe, I won’t make the same mistakes that Dad did.