Chapter Fourteen – Rebekah

I don’t want to be here, it’s making me feel sick. So ill that if I rang Tia to tell her that I couldn’t make it to practice, I wouldn’t be lying… but I need to be inside this building because I have to speak to Bryn today. We can’t carry on avoiding one another. I have something life changing to share with him now. Even if he doesn’t like it, I need to know that I told him. I want to feel like I’ve done everything that I can.

“Woah, what is up with you?” Mya demands the moment that she lays eyes on me. “You look like death. Is that why you left early last night? Amber said you ran out of the bar looking like you were going to throw up.”

I grab onto Mya’s arm, needing to talk to her alone. This is something that I absolutely have to get out but I also need to make sure that Tia isn’t listening this time. I can’t let her hear this. This is another level.

“Mya, I’m fucking freaked out.” I shake all over. “I’m in a real mess here. I need your help.”

“What’s going on?” she hisses, darting her eyes everywhere, not wanting to be overheard either.

“I ran out last night because I… I…” My eyes fill with tears. Since I haven’t slept all night long, my emotions are right on the edge of my sleeve, ready to come out at any time. “I found out that I’m pregnant.”

My eyes fall closed with shame, I know how this sounds. Girl has short term fling with sports star. Girl is too dumb to think about using protection throughout. Girl falls pregnant. Everyone thinks that Girl did it on purpose to trap the sport’s star because she wants his money and fame. Everyone hates Girl. Girl’s life is ruined.

“Oh shit. Bryn?” I nod as Mya asks me this. “Does he know?” I shake my head. I can’t look at her. I don’t want to see what her reaction is. “And I saw that fucker out last night. I could have punched him.”

“No, I don’t want that to happen…” This is so hard. If it’s this difficult to talk to Mya about it, then what the hell am I going to do when it comes to Bryn? “I just want him to know. Right now, I need to know how he feels.”

Mya leans in close to me. “Babe, you are far too sick to deal with cheerleading right now, never mind Tia. You’re obviously only here because you want to speak to him so why don’t you get off?”

I groan, wishing that I could. “Tia’s already seen me now and as always she’s pissed off enough.”

“Fuck Tia.” Finally, I snap my eyes to see her expression. She looks so angry and full of temper I almost want to laugh, which is a weird, slightly hysterical emotion considering everything that we’ve gone through. “I’ll sort Tia out. You go and do whatever it is that you need to do. And if Bryn is a prick then fists will fly.”

“Are you sure?” I grip lightly onto her arm and give her a begging look. “I would really appreciate it.”

“Babe, I’m so sure. Please, let me do this for you. I want to help you out. This is clearly a difficult time and I don’t know what else I can do. Obviously, I’ll help later on too, but for now, I want to do this.”

I bite down on my bottom lip and step backwards. My whole body sparks to life, electricity buzzes everywhere. It isn’t the lovely sort of buzzing where something good is about to happen, it’s anticipation that could tilt either way. This could turn out to be the start of something positive, or, more likely, it could descend into hell. It could cause a row, it could cause Bryn to hate me, I could become vilified for what’s happened. I don’t know.

“Thank you, Mya, I’ll let you know how I get on. Thank you for dealing with Tia.”

She makes a move for me to run away while I still can, so I take her up on that. I spin on my heels and I stalk off quickly. At least I do look ill, Tia can’t accuse me of lying. If she sees me and yells I might even throw up on her face. I do feel like I’m on the edge of being sick at all times anyway. Maybe that’s a nerves thing or it could be a pregnancy thing, which I suppose is something I’ll find out later on. Who knows.

My feet clip along the floor as I walk towards the locker rooms. I don’t know where I’m going to find Bryn, but this seems to be the best place to start. Someone else might be able to guide me to where he is anyway. One of the other players. I don’t really want to be known for the psycho chasing after Bryn, but what the hell else can I do? He won’t answer my text messages anymore so I don’t even want to think about calling him. This is the only way. I’m going to have to suck it up, push my pride down, and ask.

There’s no one around, it’s almost like a ghost town which sets my nerves even more on edge. I don’t like it, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I can’t sit still, I have to pace up and down just to give me something to do. I shake my hands by my sides, I feel my shoulders twitching, my entire body is freaking out. I need to try and plan out what I’m going to say when I really do get to speak to Bryn. I wrote and re wrote about ten scripts last night, but it all happened in the middle of the night and now I can’t remember any of it.

“Rebekah.” All of a sudden, I hear Bryn’s shocked voice. He’s alone too, staring at me with sheer shock in his eyes. The way that he makes my whole body skip a beat, sending all thoughts out of my mind. Does he have to be so damn handsome? His face is almost blinding me, never mind distracting me. “I was looking for you.”

“You were?” Almost right away, my defensiveness gets the better of me. “Why were you looking for me?”

“I want to talk to you.” He sighs as if he knows how bad this is. “I know that I don’t deserve it, after I’ve been such a knob, but I would absolutely love it if you would just give me a chance.”

Maybe if I didn’t have such big news myself I would be jumping down his throat right now and demanding an explanation, but I really do need to keep him where he is so we can talk. “Erm, sure.”

He looks a little taken aback by my instant agreement, but rapidly regains himself. “Okay then. We should go somewhere, shouldn’t we? Anywhere has to better than here, am I right?”

I nod and follow slightly behind him as we walk out of the building. Me and Bryn both remain in silence as we walk down the road and into the nearest café. Maybe it isn’t the most discrete place in the world. Anyone could walk in at any time, but I suppose it’s better than anywhere else in the world. I mean, where do you have a conversation like I want to anyway? I really don’t think there’s any perfect place for it.

We pick a table in the back of the café and order some drinks. It’s weird, there’s definitely an awkwardness between us which is only highlighted by the fact that this is the first time that we’ve ever been out in public alone together. I feel all odd inside, my paranoia is creeping up my spine like a spider, its legs flying everywhere.

“So…” Bryn says with a small nod. “I think we need to talk about me and you, don’t we?”

“Yes…” I drawl back. I guess I want to know where he’s going with this first.

“I’ve erm.” His face lights up with a blush. “I’ve been thinking, and while I know that I don’t deserve it, I would like to have another try at our relationship. We might have to change things a bit because I did have a bit of a hard time juggling everything last time. It isn’t completely your fault or mine, but after speaking with my father I think I might understand myself a little better. If you want me to explain, I will…”

Shit, this is all happening too quickly, I’m going to have to speak up before he starts laying down the best way for us to be together. I made a massive mistake letting him go first. I should have known that my thing was much more important. Damn me and my need to have my ego stroked.

“I’m pregnant!” Oh fuck. I wanted to tell him but not like that! I clap my hands to my mouth but it’s far too late. The words are out there now. “Sorry, I should have been a bit more… I don’t know…”

“P… pregnant.” Bryn shakes his head rapidly. All the color has drained from his face. “You are.”

I nod, watching him go through a whole range of emotions. I did that myself, but it’s weird to see from the other end. I want to reach out and hold him, to help him get through that, but if he’s anything like me then he needs to adjust alone. He has to process all of this and decide how he feels.

“So… so, you are having a… a baby?” When he looks at me, his eyes flash with anger. “A kid, seriously? I mean, I just got used to the idea that I can be with you but I can’t have a baby too. You can’t either, we aren’t ready for that. It just… it’s crazy, we can’t… you know that we can’t, don’t you?”

I might understand his mood, but I don’t much like the assumption that I’m incapable of being a mother. I might well fear that myself, but I don’t need to hear it from him. He should be bolstering me.

“I don’t know.” I fold my arms across my chest. “Maybe. Why couldn’t we… I?” I correct myself at the very last moment. Bryn’s emotionally backing away, clearly, this is going the second way and it isn’t something that he wants, so I need to put some distance between us as well. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter.” I grab my bag and stand. “I just wanted to tell you, that’s all. I think you have a right to know. But I don’t expect anything from you. This isn’t a meeting where I start demanding things, I just wanted to tell you. And now I’m done.”

Bryn doesn’t say anything, which only confirms that it’s time for me to go. I stalk out of the café with my head held high, feeling proud of myself for doing the right thing. At least he knows now, the rest is up to him. I have done everything that I can so it’s time for me to start focusing on the future.

The future where I am a single mother.

An angry tear slides down my cheek, I absolutely hate the situation that I’ve found myself in, but it is what it is now. I can’t be hurt forever if Bryn doesn’t want to know, that simply leaves all the decision making up to me. It might even work out for the best, I may look back at this situation and be glad that Bryn turned me down.

God, even I’m not convinced as I think that, I know that isn’t going to happen, but what else can I do?