*****
I couldn’t believe my luck! I was finally able to leave the house. I was finally able to see the sun again, to have it caress my skin.
This opportunity had come only because Jack, who was working for a moving company, hadn’t managed to sync his days off with mine. I had to be home today, while he had to go into work. The first thing I could think of was to run, but when my feet first touched the sand, I was overcome by happiness. The feeling was so foreign to me now that it drained all my energy. I had none left to plot my escape, so I was happy only to walk on the beach.
I still forced myself to think about my decision to leave Jack, as I dragged my aching feet through the warm sand.
The pain wasn’t recent, but strong nonetheless. He had made me sit with my legs spread for an entire day last Monday while he hit the soles of my feet rhythmically. My sin: having messaged my mum without his permission.
A tear rolled down my cheek as I remembered every hideous thing he had done to me. It all had started in the first week after I had moved in with him.
I had to go into work, and he had asked to check my phone. Uncomfortable with his request, I refused. That was when he had slapped me for the first time.
If only it had ended with him apologizing. But no, he had done it again, and again, and again, every day since.
Slowly, over the span of a few months, I had found myself trapped, with nowhere to go, all the while being unable to figure out what was I doing wrong to make him so angry.
I asked myself why I wasn’t leaving. I really couldn’t answer that, not to myself and certainly not to anyone else, if they asked.
Even the thought of someone else knowing about what was happening to me gave me shivers. I didn’t want anyone to know that the strong black woman who fought against the injustice black people everywhere suffered was now reduced to a whimpering mess.
I looked down to my hand. It was clutching the key to my place, a useless metal thing that couldn’t help me out of my situation. Jack had made sure of that.
He had arranged for me to rent out my apartment and insisted he should be the only one to deal with the renters. I found out they were his friends, some nasty guys with whom he liked to threaten me whenever I misbehaved. I would have done anything he asked me if it meant he wouldn’t give me to them.
My stomach turned as I thought of the three men living in my house now. I knew, deep down, that when Jack had had enough of me, it would be their turn to use and abuse me. I just hoped I would be dead by then.
I dropped down onto the old bench at the edge of the trees. I used to love this place and how it gave me the opportunity to watch the gold beach washed by the sea while the small cluster of trees behind would keep me cool. But that was before. Now, it felt that I had lost the ability to enjoy anything, as if I was seeing everything through dark lenses that would tint everything I once loved.
I tried to cross my legs, but a stabbing pain in my stomach prevented me. Instantly, my mind replayed the events of last night, when Jack’s foot meeting my midriff was all that it took for me to faint in pain. He had made sure I understood that, if I misbehaved today while I was unsupervised, even worse things would come my way.
It had been easy for me to weep for the lives of black people in this country. I had cried so many times as I held the hands of mothers and wives of victims of police brutality. I had been the shoulder on which one blind father had cried at his son’s funeral. I had been the ear that listened to his rant about his son’s skin color being the punch line of a college joke that ended tragically. I had cried many tears for others. Now, my eyes were dry.
I didn’t know how to cry for myself. I had grown accustomed to the idea that I was a strong woman, helping others, until I found that I couldn’t even stand up for myself. Every bruise and wound I wore reminded me of that, so what sort of person was I?
A sudden noise coming from the trees behind me interrupted my thoughts. All I could think of was that Jack was here, he had followed me and was now coming to punish me for going out without his permission.
I stood up, prepared to run, but my body wouldn’t listen. I remained frozen, watching the trees intently, expecting Jack to come out.
My breath became shallower as the footsteps, heavy, came closer. Then, there he was, coming out from the trees.
Only it wasn’t Jack. My brain couldn’t comprehend the possibility.
“Are you alright?” the man asked, stopping in his tracks.
I blushed and looked down, afraid he might see the sort of weakling that I was.
“Miss? Are you alright? You looked terrified back there.”
The thought of him seeing me in that state terrified me even more.
I wanted to apologize, but felt him getting closer, so I lost the ability to speak. He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder but my reflexes told me there was no comfort for me, so I jumped, barely able to stop myself from cowering like an animal under the bench.
“I’m sorry, miss. I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you alright?”
He kept asking me if I was alright. Why? Was I looking that pathetic? Surely he couldn’t really be concerned with me.
“I’m fine. Thank you,” I managed to say after clearing my voice. I wasn’t about to let anyone know how damaged I was. Jack knowing was enough. “You startled me, that’s all. Sorry to have worried you, but I’m fine.”
I assumed he was watching me, but I couldn’t look into his face.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, yes I am,” I said, a bit too strongly. I was reassuring myself more than him, but it worked for the moment. I even lifted my eyes to meet his, to be more convincing.
He was towering over me. I needed to crane my neck to see his face.
His eyes, the color of honey, were watching at me as if they wanted to penetrate my mask. That was forbidden.
“OK. My apologies for startling you. Have a good day, miss,”
He gave me a scrutinizing look before leaving. I sighed, watching his back as he walked away, his pale blue shirt waving in the breeze.
Alone again, I sat back down and tried to recover my train of thought before the interruption. I failed; my mind seemed to be more interested in the stranger’s warm eyes. And as I thought of them more, I felt the urge to cry out loud.
“Heya,” I heard his raspy voice again. “Am I disturbing you?”
I looked up, but he had the sun behind him and it was blinding me.
“It’s alright.” I heard words coming out of my mouth. Why? What was I saying? What if Jack saw me?
“I thought I should apologize properly,” he said. “Can I sit?” I nodded. “I brought you some coffee. Then I didn’t know if you liked coffee, so I got some tea as well. Choose one, and I’ll have the other.”
I smiled. “Coffee for me. Thank you.”
He handed me the warm cup and I took a sip, not knowing what to do with myself.
“So, are my apologies accepted, miss?”
“Melissa. Yes, they are.”
“Daniel. Nice to meet you, Melissa.”