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The author’s math is a little shady here. The rarest forms of cancer are necessarily killing pretty small numbers of people. They may have the highest mortality RATES, but that’s different from killing the most people, so my edit here accounts for that.
Knew what would happen?
This is awkwardly worded, and more importantly pretty out of character for this person who seems generally kind and thoughtful, even if he’s a little hot-headed. If the author wantsto keep it, I would reword to“He even slipped and called me a couple of choice names.”
I have no idea what this means. You could cut the whole sentence unless it’s going to be plot relevant later on.
This would be an almost inhuman feat.
To each their own, but this is a super gross mental image as far as I’m concerned. You could just cut the whole thing unless you think other people would like it and I’m just a weirdo.
Why is he considering this if the ad says“plus room and board”?
Put on edge had just been used a page or so ago.
I did not get when I read this that the pause was him realizing he didn’t know Chance’s name. I’m not the sure“um” I added actually helps. You could start the next line with Realizing he hadn’t introduced himself, Chance quickly swallowed the slug of beer he had taken and answered,“Chance, sir, etc.”
She switches back and forth between Dad and Daddy. I don’t know if that’s intentional or normal, and it doesn’t particularly bug me, just wanted to point it out in case the author has strong feelings one way or the other.
This pause doesn’t make sense to me.
I made the dog a girl here to avoid pronoun confusion between a“he” dog and“he” meaning Chance.
Shoot. Now I see that the dog is a boy/has a male name below. I still think this might be the simplest solution to the awkwardness above, if the author isn’t committed to it being a male dog.
I assumed this meant like a sweater dress and so the jeans below surprised me.
Looks like the font changes colors here. Didn’t know if that needs to be fixed or not.
Wasn’t totally sure if this is what he was saying,but I took a guess.
I’m not sure what this arrival is referring to. His birth? His arrival in the US?
Saying someone doesn’t look like he understands much English has the potential to seem racist, even if it’s“based on his responses, he didn’t seem to understand” rather than“based on how not-white he was, he didn’t seem to understand.” If that makes sense?
This doesn’t make sense to me. Closed how? What oddity?
Not sure that this is what the author meant, but as it was it didn’t make sense so I took a guess.
There’s no indication of them moving to the bedroom from the kitchen, so that should be added somewhere.
redundant, hence the removal
Good story so far, but the author uses 'and' far too often
redundant
redundant and implied hence the removal
many redundacies /repetetive hence all the changes
readability- hence the change
redundant
I assume UFC= Ultimate Fighting Challenge- te author might want to spell that out a few times as UFC has been used 13 times.
The author used SHE to start sentences 123 times. It could be changed but that is completely up to the author. I have changed a couple of them
Gwen has been used 171 times. Just an FYI
cliche
redundant
redundant
If you want to keep“old” instead of“of,” I think it should be hyphenated“few-days-old stubble.” It just reads a little funny to me like that.
I couldn’t figure out for sure if she had managed to end up on the horse, so this was my solution. If there’s a preferable wordingit’s fine to change it.
This is sort of an odd expression. Is he asking her what’s holding her back? Or what’s keeping her there/with him?
Same comment. Maybe just“upsetting you” or“stopping you” would make more sense?
Clammy is the opposite of dry, it can’t really be both.
SHE was used at sentence start 93 times. The author might want to consider some changes
brief = redundant
use of and every = redundant
changed to you are- specifically because she was trying to hold her voice steady
cliche when really is thrown in there
"I" was used 179 times to commence sentences. Perhaps ( just a suggestion) the author ought to rethink this. I will change as many as possible.
removed her as it was cliche
I have changed some of the slang and improper word usage as it makes for a difficult read if too much is used
I am not comfortable with the word footies- but I cannot come up with an alternative