“YOU SHOULDN’T CURSE,” he teased.
I ran my fingertips back and forth across his skin, in case I was wrong, but sure enough, the ridges of the text were slightly red and scabbed.
“But...” I muttered, at a complete loss for words. O’Connell seemed to find my reaction highly amusing.
“You should see your face, sunshine.”
“They weren’t even my words,” I exclaimed, as though he could still somehow change his mind about the tattoo.
“I know. But you gave them to me.”
“But my handwriting is terrible,” I replied, horrified yet exhilarated with what he’d done.
“It’s perfect, and it will give me a good story to tell our kids.”
“Holy shit!” I whispered again. I was sure he took pleasure in leaving me speechless as he laid a gentle kiss on my head and moved toward the door. On his way out, he turned back to me.
“I have to train late again tonight. Can you wait an extra hour for me, or shall I get Kier to walk you home?”
“I’ll wait,” I replied, as I felt my cheeks reddening.
He grinned back knowingly, and as he shut the door behind him, I crossed my legs to relieve the ache.
The door tapped a little bit later, and in walked Tommy, more subdued than I’d ever seen him.
“Hey, Tommy.” I smiled. “What’s up?”
“Thought I’d get in while Con’s distracted and try for that number,” he answered.
“Sorry.” I grinned back. “Numbers are tomorrow night, you know that.”
He rubbed that back of his neck in a gesture that betrayed his unease.
“About that. Me Da’s broken his leg which means he can’t work, so I’m gonna need to help Ma out with the rent. I’ve had a word with Danny, and he’s knocking my subs down to five quid a week for the next month till I can get my folks back on their feet. Danny wanted me to tell you in case he forgets to mention it.”
“Oh no!” I exclaimed. “Is he all right? Is there anything I can do to help?”
“He’s okay, thanks Em. He just feels like a bit of an eejit for falling down the steps drunk. Ma tore him a new one, though.”
“Your poor mum. I hope she’s all right, but let me know if there’s anything I can do,” I offered.
“Well,” he drawled, with his trademark confidence. “Maybe I should take your number, you know, just in case I can think of a way you can help.”
I laughed at his tenacity and pointed toward the door.
“Go, and let me get on with some work before Danny catches us skiving. If you need me, you know where to find me.”
He left happier than when he’d arrived, and I got to work. Hours later, I was immersed in numbers when O’Connell walked in, drenched with sweat.
“Hey, sunshine, I’m just grabbing a shower. You about done here?” he asked.
“Sure,” I sighed. “I’ll close down out here and meet you outside.”
“No, stay here where it’s warm, and I’ll come and get you in a minute.”
I shut down the computer and put on my coat and scarf, making sure to turn off the heater and coffee machine. His must have been the quickest shower in history, but I was ready by the time he came for me. He grabbed my bag without asking and threw it over his shoulder with his training bag. The gym was empty by the time we left, but I assumed that Danny was still here as the lights were all on and someone had to lock up.
“You know, Danny was right. When I first came in here the smell was disgusting, and now, I’m so used to it, I can’t smell anything at all.”
O’Connell chuckled at that, and then frowned when I buried myself deeper into my coat as we hit the fresh air.
“Is that your only jacket?” he asked softly.
“Yeah,” I muttered, embarrassed at my poverty. I knew I needed a better one for winter, but I was trying to save as much as I could for school.
“We’ll have snow soon, I can tell. I’ll start bringing my car next week. It’ll keep you warmer on the way home.”
“You drive?” I asked surprised. I’d never seen O’Connell with a car, so I just assumed he didn’t have one.
“Yeah,” he replied sheepishly. “A Ford Mustang. The boys helped me fix it up a couple of years ago, but I don’t drive it much lately.”
“Why not?” I asked. This time it was his turn to look embarrassed, though he needn’t have.
“I had to give up my job in construction to train with Danny full-time. He’s trying to get us some sponsors, but until I win a few decent fights, it’s gonna be tough. Kier’s Ma is letting me crash with Kier for a bit, rent free, but I’ll probably have to sell the car soon to pay for training. Danny’s offered to help me out with expenses, but I don’t want to take his money. It’s enough to ask him to train me.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything so he’d keep talking.
“I used to make pretty good money bare knuckle boxing, but I promised Danny I wouldn’t do that anymore. I can’t afford to if I try to go pro.”
He looked nervous like he was waiting for my reaction.
“Danny told me you were trying to go professional. He seems to think you have a good chance.”
“What do you think?” he asked. His question puzzled me.
“I don’t know anything about boxing, O’Connell. I think that trying to better yourself at anything is a good thing, especially if it means cutting back on the partying and drinking. But honestly, I worry about you getting hurt fighting with professional boxers.”
He smiled, looking pleased with my answer.
“What?” I questioned at the look on his face.
“It’s kind of nice having someone worry about me.”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me to a stop facing him. He moved in so close that our noses were almost touching.
“Tell me you can feel this. I need to know I’m not the only one,” he spoke gently.
“I feel it,” I whispered, staring at the ground. “But I’m not doing anything about it. Everything that you make me feel is completely overwhelming, and I can’t give you what you need, not even close. I don’t want to talk about why I am this way, but just offering you friendship is a big deal for me right now.”
I finished my rant feeling more desperate than ever. This big, strong, beautiful, terrifying man had feelings for me, but seriously how long would they last? I was getting better, but I was afraid of my own shadow most of the time. I was small, weak, and lacked any self-confidence. O’Connell was dangerous, addictive, and so sexy that I was consumed by lust every time we were in the same room together. He used his body like a weapon and the danger attracted women like a magnet. With that many women, all vying for his attention, what little charm I held for him would fade like mist in the morning sun. If I let him in, he had the power to break what little of me was left whole when I couldn’t keep him.
Reaching out one giant, scarred and calloused hand, he tucked a wayward curl behind my ear. He lifted my chin with his knuckle forcing me to meet his gentle gaze. He looked so happy and intense right now that I could feel my eyes welling up. I never thought that anyone would ever look at me like that.
“I know I’m scary and loud. I’m fucked up, and I’m gonna fuck up with you a lot because I’ve never done this before. I don’t date girls, I fuck them and walk away because that’s what they expect. It’s all they think I’m good for. I’m not smart like you, and I know I don’t deserve you. Right now, I’m dirt poor, but one day, I’m not gonna be. I will fight to make something better of myself, to be someone better. Someone you can be proud of. If you need time, then I’ll give you time. If you need friendship, then I’ll give you friendship. But you’re mine, and when the time is right, when you’re ready, I’m coming for you.”
I nodded, so close to tears I knew that if I tried to speak, I’d completely break down. I swallowed hard, and the tears fell anyway. O’Connell wiped them away with his thumb and gently pressed his big firm lips to mine. Just like that, my fears were forgotten. The kiss was gentle, but fireworks exploded all over my body. It was like he had invigorated every cell with life. The touch of his lips wasn’t enough to satisfy, only to feed my addiction. I knew in my head that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but my body wanted to drown in the revelation that it could feel something other than cold, hunger, and pain. It was a kiss both chaste and pure and everything I hoped that my first kiss would be, because everything I gave to him, I gave freely. Slightly out of breath, our lips parted, and he rested his forehead back against mine.
“I’m gonna give you the fuckin world, baby,” he whispered against my lips.
He kissed me again quickly and grinning like a kid, threaded his fingers through mine.
“You know friends don’t hold hands,” I whispered, knowing that there was no way that I was letting go first.
“Huh,” he grunted. “Me and Kier hold hands all the time.”
I burst out laughing at the thought, and he revelled in my happiness.
“It’s a good thing we’re sticking to being friends,” he explained. “The next couple of months are gonna be really tough. I should be taking you out on dates and buying you flowers and shit, but I’m going to be training every hour I can, and I won’t have any money.”
“It’s not about the money or anything else, you know that right?” I pressed him.
“I know, Em. One day you’ll tell me about the skeletons in your closet but if I didn’t give you at least an idea of how I feel, I’d lose you before you ever gave us a chance. I swear to God though, if Tommy asks for your number one more time, I’m gonna break his fucking face.”
He was only half-serious, but his possessiveness and intensity turned me on when it should have had me running. I ran my thumb across the back of his knuckles, and I felt him shiver.
“There’s not exactly a queue of men trying to date me. Tommy is a nice guy and your friend. He just likes messing with your head, that’s all.”
O’Connell lifted our joined hands and kissed the back of mine.
“You really have no idea how fuckin beautiful you are, do you? I’ve knocked out guys at the gym already for looking at you the wrong way, and I’ll fuck up anyone else who tries.”
I rolled my eyes half-wondering if he’d be better off peeing on me to stake his claim, like a dog marking his territory.
“Well, no more fucking anyone up, okay? If I’m ever ready to date anyone, you’re at the top of my list, so save all the aggression for your fights. I have a hard enough time dealing with you boxing in the ring where there are rules, let alone out of it.”
He squeezed my hand in agreement, though I noticed he didn’t make me any promises.
“Baby, I’d better be the only one on that list. I feel like I’m gonna lose you before I even get a chance. I’m fucked-up possessive over you. I know that, and I’m afraid that you’ll get sick of all the bullshit that comes with me.”
It wasn’t like O’Connell to freely admit any of his insecurities. I appreciated knowing that he came with his own baggage, too. We made it to my building all too soon and he turned to face me.
“I’m not gonna rush you, okay? I’ve never wanted anyone as badly as I want you, but I want you to trust me, too, so I’m gonna kill myself and take this slow. When you’re stronger, when you’re ready to give me a chance, I’ll be here.”
I nodded because I was incapable of replying. It was human nature to want to jump his bones. He was the most amazing specimen of man that I’d ever seen. But I needed slow. Time was the only thing that would bring back the pieces of my soul, but I had the feeling that O’Connell might turn out to be the glue that held them all together.
Walking me up to my apartment, he unlocked my door and handed me back the keys. He reached his hand around my nape and pulled me to him for another kiss. The minute I started to appreciate his firm soft lips, I sighed, and his tongue slid into my mouth to caress mine. The ache between my legs intensified until the only thing that I was aware of was the desperate need to have my lips on his skin and find relief from this exquisite torture. His hand slid into my hair holding me to him more tightly, as if there was anything more than a whisper of air between us anyway. His free hand moved from the small of my back to my arse, pressing my pelvis to his. At the feel of his rock hardness against me, I couldn’t help but moan, and he ate it up, pressing harder. This wasn’t a delicate seduction. O’Connell’s actions were deliberate and unapologetic. He didn’t try to discretely work his hand down my back as we kissed in the hope that I didn’t notice what he was doing. No, he practically mounted me to him because, despite my protestations of friendship, my body wanted this. If his skills so far were anything to go by, I doubted I would have been sorry to let it go any further.
“Fuck,” he muttered, as he pulled his lips from mine. “That was supposed to be me saying goodnight and taking it slow.”
“If you tell me that’s how you and Kieran say goodnight, I’m really going to start worrying.”
He chuckled then bowed his head toward me. “One more kiss before we go back to being friends?” he suggested.
“Uh, huh,” I murmured. “Goodnight then,” I whispered and pretty much attacked him right back. My hands slid into his hair and pulled his huge frame down until I could trap his lips between mine. He groaned loudly against me, the vibrations rocking through my body and intensifying my craving. After a few minutes, we were both out of breath, and with his hands still firmly pressed against me, he tucked his head into the crook of my neck and inhaled deeply.
“You’re like an addiction, sunshine. It’s making it difficult for me to do right by you. But I want this too badly to fuck it up.”
“You know,” I reassured him, “you’re pretty addictive yourself. No one’s ever made me feel like this.”
It killed me to imagine that this could be our last kiss, but despite what my body wanted, I knew that no relationship would ever work until I had time to sort out my head. I could only hope that he would still be willing to give me a chance when that day came, and I needed to know that he would stick around before I gave him any more of myself. There would come a time where I needed to tell him about the monsters under my bed, but not yet. They weren’t going anywhere. They never did.
“Do you have a mobile phone?” he asked.
“Sorry. I don’t have a mobile or a landline. I’ve had to try and keep my overheads down as much as I can.” I was once more embarrassed about my poverty, but O’Connell had pretty much admitted that his circumstances were the same.
“I had to give mine up when I quit my job. I’m with Kier most of the time, though, so if you ever need me just call him from a payphone. He told me he left you his number.” I nodded, but just then, I’d never wished for a mobile phone more. The anguish of going days without seeing or hearing from him was pretty depressing. He smiled, sensing my gloom.
“I guess we just do this the old-fashioned way then. Do you have a pen and some paper?” he asked.
I pulled a piece from my notebook and handed it to him with a pen. Leaning over my desk, I half wondered if the archaic piece of furniture would hold his weight as he wrote out a note, folded it over and handed it to me.
“Don’t read it tonight, save it for the morning, okay?” he asked.
“All right,” I agreed. “Will I see you tomorrow night?”
“Of course, baby. Kieran’s gonna to walk you home, but can I come by after training?” he asked hopefully.
“I’d like that,” I admitted shyly, hoping that he still felt the same way tomorrow. He carried on holding me like he couldn’t quite bring himself to let me go.
“Bye, sunshine,” he whispered against my lips.
“Goodbye, O’Connell,” I sighed, as he pulled back and walked out the door, sporting a look of unadulterated hunger. I quickly threw on all of the bolts then raced to the window. Feeling my eyes on him, he turned around and blew me a kiss before shifting his training bag higher on his back and disappearing into the night.
Collapsing onto my bed, I contemplated waiting until tomorrow to read O’Connell’s note, but my curiosity was stronger than my conscience. There was no way that I could sleep tonight if I was wondering what he’d written me.
Jeez. In six lines, he had turned me to mush. What kind of a man writes notes in this day and age? The freakin’ awesome kind, that’s who! I flattened out the note and put it inside my favourite book. Still dazed, I brushed my teeth and changed into my pyjamas. Tonight, I was walking on air, and for the first time in a long time, I was happy.