I WALKED MY TRAY DOWN the lunch queue, contemplating the delicate balance of craptastic culinary experiments on offer, bearing in mind my modest budget. The salad was fresh looking and cheap, if not a little basic, and my stomach grumbled as I thought about Mike’s spectacular quarter pounder with cheese, lovingly known as ‘the Daisy Burger’. If O’Connell ever took a break from training, then a Daisy Burger would be my treat.
“Right, then. Spill. You’ve been mooning around this canteen for ten minutes looking like you’ve just won the lottery, and you never smile like this, so what’s going on?”
Albie gently butted into the queue and dumped his tray down next to mine. He loaded it with enough food to keep me in lunches for a month, and then followed that with two cartons of milk.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I answered. “I am merely perusing the canteen’s many culinary delights. If I’m smiling more than usual, it’s probably because I’m overwhelmed by the overabundance of decadent menu choices on offer today.”
Albie looked at me stunned, and then laughed deep and heartily. “You’ve just said more words to me in one sentence than you’ve said to me in the whole time I’ve known you. Horniness makes you verbose.”
Humour gone, I stared at him gobsmacked, my cheeks reddening.
“I am not horny. Who told you I was horny?” I spluttered.
“No one. But I can’t imagine you floating about like this unless you were hot for some guy. Plus, you do have that ‘I’m thinking about a man naked’ look about you,” he laughed.
“No, I do not,” I blustered indignantly.
I absentmindedly reached for a piece of carrot cake, then put it back again when I realised that I didn’t need it and couldn’t afford it.
“Em, you’re so easy to wind up.” He smiled as he carried on loading up his tray.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” I huffed.
I wasn’t used to being teased and it was hard allowing myself to feel excited about my fledgling friendship with O’Connell. Whenever I’d had anything to feel good about, Frank had taken it away. It gave him a kind of perverse pleasure, but coveting my happiness didn’t need to daunt me anymore. I had friends, I was happy, and I needed to stop worrying about hiding the fact. If anything, I should be grabbing O’Connell by the hand and shouting at the top of my lungs, “Holy shit, can you believe that this unbelievably, hot as fuck, man mountain actually wants to date me!” Okay, so that might be a little extreme, but sharing a little of my happiness with my friends shouldn’t be such a big deal. We paid for our trays and, as I sat down next to Albie, was cornered by the gang.
“So, you hooked up with Hottie McTottie yet then?” Nikki said teasingly.
“Who’s Hottie McTottie?” Ben asked.
“Only the six-foot-five, dark, built, intense, brooding fighter who’s been mooning over Em for the last few weeks,” Nikki replied.
“He hasn’t been mooning over me, and we’re not together,” I corrected. “We’re friends, that’s all.”
Nikki grinned, but Albie laughed out loud. “Sweetheart, we’ve only seen you both together once, and you were setting the place on fire. Seriously, I saw my life flashing before my eyes when I offered to walk you home. It’s not a big jump for us to imagine you two together.”
“Well, it’s a big jump for me,” I admitted, quietly.
“We know,” Nikki soothed. “But that boy has it bad for you, and it’s only a matter of time before he wears you down. If he fucks it up, though, he’ll have to answer to us.”
I really wasn’t that much of a prize, but it was nice of them to care. I did giggle a little at the thought of Nikki, who was probably only a little bigger than me, pounding on O’Connell for some perceived wrongdoing. I’d bet he’d had splinters that hurt more.
“You do realise who O’Connell is, don’t you, Nik?” Ryan volunteered, and I bristled, waiting for the insult.
“Everyone knows who he is, Ry,” Albie answered. “But I’m telling you, man, you didn’t see the way he looks at her.”
“Just be careful, that’s all I’m saying,” Ryan warned.
I knew more than anyone that my guard should be up, but it had been up my whole life, and it felt good to let it down. If O’Connell was going to trample all over our friendship, then so be it. Every moment that I’d spent with him so far made the risk worth it. I had finished my salad and contemplated leaving, when a plate slid in front of me. Albie grinned as he passed me the carrot cake I’d been eyeing.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“That ridiculously big piece of cake you talked yourself out of. It’s a celebration,” he answered.
“What are we celebrating?”
“Finding something decadent that you know is bad for you and sinking your teeth into it.”
I was about to remind him that O’Connell and I were just friends, when he winked teasingly at me. Accepting the gesture with a smile for the act of kindness that it was, I plunged my fork into the moist cake, groaning at the first bite. We chatted about our plans for later, but I already knew what I was doing with my afternoon, and Albie had been my inspiration.
“WHAT IS IT?” Tommy asked later that night, as he stared at the tin like it might be filled with anthrax. I opened the lid as he held it in his hands.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He grinned, and I was pleased that he looked so impressed.
“What’s going on, Em?” Mac, one of the gym’s other ridiculously large fighters, asked.
“I’ve baked Tommy’s mum a chocolate fudge cake.”
“Seriously?” Tommy asked. “That’s fudge in the middle?”
“It sure is, and if you heat it up, the filling should melt so the chocolate fudge sauce will cover the cake.”
“Why’s Tommy got chocolate cake?” Kieran pitched in.
“Em baked it for the little fucker,” Mac told him.
“Sunshine, I’m your boyfriend’s best friend. If you should be baking anyone chocolate cake, it should be me.”
“It’s not for Tommy, it’s for his mum,” I reminded them. “I’m sure Tommy will get a piece, but his mum’s been under a lot of stress lately, so this is to make her feel better and I’m your best friend’s friend not his girlfriend.”
None of the guys actually said, “aww,” but they did all look at me like I was a cute little puppy.
“Wait,” said Tommy, “you called Con her boyfriend.”
“Only a matter of time, my friend,” replied Kieran, slapping Tommy on the back.
“Fuck,” muttered Tommy, as a few people round the gym groaned or muttered.
“What’s wrong with them?” I whispered to Kieran. “Don’t they think I’d be good enough for him?”
Kieran laughed at me. “Are you kidding me? You’re the sweetest, most innocent thing this bunch of depraved maniacs has ever seen. You’re smart, gorgeous, and you bake. They’re pissed off that Con wants to take you off the market. He’s shown his hand, so if anyone of these fuckers wants to ask you out, they need to go through him, and there’s no one in this gym who can take Con.”
I was thinking that Kieran wildly exaggerated my attributes, but I was still pleased. I wasn’t great at cooking, but I could bake a mean chocolate cake. In all of this, I did wonder if O’Connell had heard me at all when I told him that we’d only be friends. Maybe I was fighting fate, but I needed to know that I was strong enough to stand alone before I’d fall back on O’Connell for support.
“When me Ma sees this, she’s gonna be pissed that I didn’t bring you home first,” Tommy said gloomily, then after a short pause, he smirked.
“Still, it’s not like she’s engaged or married or anything, so there’s still plenty of time for her to wise up, blow off O’Connell, and marry me.”
“You really are fucking relentless, aren’t you, Tom,” Kieran told him. “Con’s gonna be ten times more protective now that he’s staked his claim.”
“Tough shit, arsehole,” Tommy replied cockily, “cause right now Danny’s dropping medicine balls on Con’s stomach, and I’m going home with his girl’s chocolate cake.”
I laughed as Tommy ducked Kieran’s jab, without as much as tilting the tin. He might not be as tall as the other boys, but he sure was quick. As the guys went back to their training, I felt a quick wet peck against my cheek.
“Thanks, sunshine,” Tommy told me, in possibly the first serious tone that he’d used since I’d known him.
“No one’s ever done anything that nice for me before. Making it yourself rather than buying it takes work. It’s gonna make me Ma cry, but in a nice way, you know? So thanks,” he said, then kissed me quickly on the cheek again and legged it before Kieran caught him.
“You’re welcome,” I called back as he fled.
As I turned to go into my office, I saw O’Connell back in the gym. He’d finished with the medicine ball and was pounding on the speedball so hard, I was sure it would break. His rhythm was literally seamless, and his face a mask of concentration. He didn’t miss a beat, though, as he caught my eye, smiled, and winked at me. This earned him an ear bashing from Danny, which didn’t faze O’Connell, but had me fleeing back to the computer. I didn’t see him when Kieran came to take me home, and I suspected that Danny was deliberately scheduling O’Connell’s runs to coincide with my arrival and departure. He didn’t even come in with subs, but Kieran explained that O’Connell wouldn’t be paying them anymore.
“How’s he doing?” I probed, as we walked out.
“Seriously, he’s training like a fucking animal. I’ve never seen him fight like this. He’s like a machine. Danny would be pretty excited if he wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop,” he explained.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Con only goes off the rails when his ma falls off the wagon. It’s like they’re linked. When’s she’s doing good, he’s doing good. Danny’s agreed to train him because he left home, and he’s never done that before. When she finds out what Con’s doing, she’s gonna be pissed. Either that or she’ll want a piece of the action. That’s when Danny thinks the shit will really hit the fan.”
“Why wouldn’t she be happy that O’Connell is really trying to make something of himself? Unless she’s worried about him getting hurt.”
“She couldn’t give a fuck about him,” scoffed Kieran. “The selfish bitch likes Con to come running when she needs him. She likes being the centre of his world. I guess fighting takes away from that. Plus, he doesn’t have any money to help her out now.”
The whole relationship sounded toxic to me. My own example of a mum was just as bad, though, so I kept my feelings to myself.
“Do you think he’ll go back once she finds out?” I asked.
“No, Em. I think you were the game changer he needed. As long as you don’t bail on him, I think he’ll see past her bullshit this time.”
Kieran was good company on the walk home, keeping me entertained with stories of all the trouble they used to get into. After he made sure that I was safely in my apartment, I went straight to bed, happier than I’d been in a long time.
A tapping sound against the window woke me with a start. As usual, my first thought was that Frank had found me. But he’d be breaking down my front door like it was his right to come in that way. The noise continued, and I risked moving back the curtain slightly to see who was out there. O’Connell stood under the street lamp throwing stones. I looked back at the clock to see that it was gone midnight. Pushing up the window, I could feel the bitter bite of frost creep into the already chilly room.
“Hey,” I called down.
“Hey, baby. I’m sorry to wake you, but I missed you today. I was hoping to say goodnight.”
“Come up then. I’ll buzz you in.”
There was no time to change or even check my appearance in the mirror. Seconds after pressing the ancient buzzer to the main front entrance, O’Connell was knocking lightly on my door. He must have raced up the stairs. I opened up for him, bleary-eyed and conscious that I was dressed only in a pair of old boy shorts and a fleecy sweater. Dumping his training bag inside the door, he pulled me toward him, and I became a soft sleepy puddle in his arms. He kissed me gently, almost reverently. He kissed me like it was our first kiss, like I was a priceless treasure that could be broken or stolen from him at any moment.
“You know friends don’t kiss,” I reminded him, and he grinned back at me.
“Fuck that. I kiss Kier all the time.” I laughed that this would be his answer every time we blurred the line of friendship.
“Shit, baby. It’s freezing in here. Get back into bed.”
“Umm,” I protested. “I don’t want to let you leave yet.”
“I’ll get in with you for a bit.”
Appeased, I turned to look at the front door.
“Can you lock it up for me? I won’t relax until it’s locked.”
“Nobody’s gonna get to you while I’m here.”
I gave him a sad smile of agreement, but my heart wasn’t in it. I knew rationally that he was right, but phobias were deeply ingrained and not easily dispelled. What it Frank found me with O’Connell and attacked him when his guard was down? A thousand ‘what ifs’ ran through my mind and must have shown on my face.
“Okay, sunshine. You get back into bed, and I’ll sort out the door.”
He didn’t realise how much of a big deal it already was for me to let O’Connell check the door rather than doing it myself, but I’d never willingly let him know how deep my fears ran. The sheets were still warm as I slid between them. O’Connell shrugged off his jacket and clothes, leaving them draped over the chair in the corner. In only his jeans, he climbed into my small bed beside me. He didn’t give me time to worry about what would happen next.
“Turn on your side away from me, Em.”
Doing as he asked, his big hand pulled me back against him, spooning me in the cradle of his chest. My sweater had risen up slightly and he traced gentle circles over my stomach. I could feel his need for me hard against me, but it didn’t seem to bother him so I ignored it.
“How was training?” I whispered in the darkness.
“Brutal. Danny says he’s beating all the pussy out of me.” He chuckled. “I’m aching in muscles I didn’t know I had.”
I was fully aware of every one of his muscles, even if he wasn’t. I’d happily rub each one of them better given half the chance.
“Is there anything I can do?” I whispered innocently.
“You’re doing it,” he said, and I could feel him smiling against my hair. “If I got to feel like this every night, I’d happily take a beating or two.”
“You know that cuddles with me do come without the beatings, don’t you?” I asked him.
“I know, baby,” he mumbled, “but at least this way I feel like I’ve spent a bit of every day earning them.”
He paused, and I thought he’d fallen asleep.
“I heard what you did for Tommy. That was really nice of you.”
“I thought you’d be mad because Tommy’s been winding you up about my number.”
“I’m pissed that he got to try your chocolate cake before I did, but his ma will love it. It’s just another thing that makes you pretty fucking spectacular.”
“It wasn’t much, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll make you a chocolate cake when you win your next fight.”
“Oh, so there are conditions attached to my chocolate cake then?” He chuckled, sleepily.
“I’m doing my best to keep you in peak physical condition. When we’re old and grey, I’ll feed you chocolate cake every day.”
I felt him swallow as he whispered throatily, “I’d like that, sunshine. I’d really like that.”
We lay quietly for a while as I rubbed patterns back and forth over the back of his hand.
“Em, it’s Mac’s birthday this week, and he wants to go to a club Friday night. Will you come after work?”
I hated clubs of any sort. In our own little bubble, I could pretend the outside world didn’t exist. But being in a club surrounded by half-naked, gorgeous girls who all wanted O’Connell and who would be staring, like he was crazy for dropping his standards so low, seemed like my idea of hell. To me, it would be like standing a daisy in a bouquet of beautiful roses. Who in their right mind would ever pick a daisy over a rose?
“I thought Danny banned all that.”
“I’m not drinking, and I’ll only stay for a couple of hours, but Mac’s my friend so I’ll have to show my face. Honestly, though, I don’t get to spend much time with you, and I’d really like for you to be there.”
How could I say no to that? He absolutely killed me.
“Okay, O’Connell, but when I’ve had enough I’m leaving,” I replied, warily.
“Fair enough, baby.”
He was so tired that I could sense him falling asleep as he mumbled his answer.
“Sleep now,” I whispered, squeezing his bicep. He kissed the back of my head, and all too soon, the gentle rise and fall of his chest and the wonderful warmth of his body next to mine lulled me back into a deep and dreamless sleep. When I woke in the morning, the bed was cold, and O’Connell was gone. A wave of depression washed over me as I realised I was alone. Turning to the clock, I could see that it was barely 7am. But stood next to it was another note.
Ten seconds ago, I was depressed, and now I was on top of the world. I wondered why I ever bothered telling O’Connell that I only wanted to be friends, when every day it seemed to be me who wanted more. I rolled over to look at the ceiling, knowing that I was starting to forget all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together.