WITH A DEEP BREATH, I told my horrible ugly story, dreading the look of revulsion on his face I feared I’d see when I was done.
“What happened afterwards? How did you escape?” he asked quietly.
He was still stroking my hair, so I took comfort in that.
“It was the police at the door. A neighbour heard me screaming and called them. They told me they were suspicious when they saw the gouges on Frank’s cheek. They arrested him, and took me to the hospital. My face was banged up. He’d fractured my cheekbone, cracked two of my ribs, and tore me up so badly between my legs that I needed stitches. The hospital gave me STD tests and the morning after pill, but there was nothing else they could do except give me pain relief while I healed. I turned eighteen while I was still in hospital, so I was able to discharge myself without being turned over to social services. I already had an escape plan set up with one of my teachers, so I took it and never went back. I stayed with Mrs. Wallis recovering for a couple of months, then when my student loan came through I used enough to buy some cheap clothes and left for university.”
“Why didn’t you press charges?” he asked, but I couldn’t detect any rebuke in his voice.
“I gave the police my statement and told them truthfully what had happened, and they had the results of the rape kit with Frank’s DNA. I guess I didn’t trust the system anymore, though. If I stuck around, I knew he’d find a way out of the charges. Either that or he’d kill me first. I never told the police where I was going because I couldn’t risk him finding me. Frank was in the police force years ago, and he must still have connections. They took the university acceptance letter with her address on as evidence and apart from Mrs. Wallis, that’s the only thing tying me to this place. For the first couple of weeks, I was terrified that he’d memorised the address on the letter, but he never showed up at her house. Mrs. Wallis found out a little later that he’d been remanded in custody for a while, but she doesn’t know any more than that.”
“Do you still speak to her?” he asked.
“Not often, but she likes it that way. She thinks the less contact we have with each other, the less chance there is of Frank finding me.”
“Do you think he’s still looking for you?”
“If he’s free then I’m sure of it. Frank was obsessed with controlling me. If he can’t be free then there’s no way that he’d want me to be, either.”
“You can’t live the rest of your life waiting for that day to come, baby. Either you let me find him and take care of this, or we put it behind us, because if he ever does come here, I’m not the only one who’ll make him pay. I can’t live with you going through life afraid. I’d rather take care of him once and for all than have you scared.”
“I won’t let him hurt you, O’Connell. I’ll run first.”
“You promised me that you wouldn’t run again. Besides, there’s no place that you could go that I wouldn’t find you. You want to take care of me? Then don’t ever fucking leave me, even if you think it’s for my own good, because that will hurt me more than anything that happens in the ring.”
I nodded in agreement and rested my head back against his chest, exhausted.
“I hate these dreams. Everything in my life is going great but then I have these dreams and it’s like he’s reminding me that it’s all temporary and it will be all over when he finds me.”
“I don’t think that at all,” O’Connell told me. “Do you know what I think, sunshine? A person only has room inside them for so much. Last night was the best night of my life. Good stuff likes that takes up a fair bit of space in your head and your heart. So, this is just your body’s way of getting rid of all that poison to make room for the good stuff.”
I tilted my head and kissed his neck.
“I’ve never thought about it like that before. Thank you, baby.”
“Don’t get mad at me, but have you ever seen anyone about this stuff? You know, to talk about it? It might help you to work through everything.”
“You think I need fixing?” I whispered.
He detected the difference in my tone and turned my head to face him. “There ain’t nothing about you that’s broken and needs fixing. I just want you to see yourself the way I see you and maybe seeing a councillor about this stuff will help you to do that.”
I paused, comprehending what he had to say. In O’Connell’s arms, I felt safe and protected, but I needed to be strong independently, to not let all of my phobias and self-doubt shape the person that I was becoming. Besides, if letting out all of Frank’s dirty secrets was my body’s was of getting rid of them for good, then I was happy to speed up the process of draining out the poison.
“Would you come with me, if I did this?” I asked him earnestly.
“Try stopping me,” he replied.
I kissed him gently, feeling more love for him at this moment than I’d ever felt before. Instead of feeling ugly and dirty enough that I wanted to shower off a layer of skin, he’d given me another way of looking at this horrific legacy.
“How come you’re not flipping out? Usually you’d be losing your temper by now.”
“Don’t get me wrong. If that scumbag ever does show up, I will lose my shit, and I can’t promise you that I won’t kill the fucker. But I’m just coming to realise that me losing my temper is about me. Making sure that you’re okay, taking care of you, is more important to me right now than anything else. I love you, sunshine. There’s nothing more important to me than you.”
Not since my real dad was alive had anyone said that to me, and a tear rolled down my cheek as I realised how important it was to me to hear it.
“I love you, too, O’Connell. So much.”
He turned my face towards him and kissed me deeply, twisting us both around so that my body was underneath him.
“I’m never letting you go. You know that right?” he reminded me fiercely.
“Forever,” I whispered.
“Forever,” he agreed with a grin and went back to kissing me.
The way that man used his lips should be illegal. It was so hard to think about, let alone worry about anything else, when he was rubbing that talented tongue of his against my own. Pulling away from me, he rested his forehead against mine.
“Stop, baby. I’m rock hard here, and I don’t want to make love to you when I should be comforting you.”
I loved his concern, but ran my hand over his rock hard cock, knowing that he had no idea how much I wanted this.
“Ahh,” he groaned, planting his head into the pillow beside me. “You’re killing me.”
I carried on rubbing his length gently without saying anything, knowing that he’d give into me eventually. He levered himself back up to look down at me.
“Are you sure, love?” he asked.
I smiled and nodded as he bent down to kiss me. The moment was so beautiful because O’Connell didn’t see me any differently, knowing what Frank had done. I didn’t want his pity; I wanted his love. I wanted to be normal and sexy, and I wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him. He ran his hand up and down my thigh as he rubbed himself against me, making me moan. I felt his tip at my entrance when he muttered, “Shit. Condom.”
I groaned with him. Glad that he at least had some common sense, because I was so keyed up right now that I couldn’t think of anything but his being inside of me. He leaned over the bed to grab another condom from his jeans pocket and quickly rolled it on. He ran his calloused fingertips across me, and I cried out as my body begged for more. Wrapping his hand around the globe, he teased the whole of my nipple with his warm, sweet tongue before sucking hard and pressing his delicious weight against me. O’Connell had me so hot, so fast, that I didn’t know how I could last more than five minutes without coming once he put those talented hands of his to good use. He kissed his way up my neck, and when our lips met, the kiss was wild and almost feral. Maybe, after what had happened between us, the sex should have been gentle and loving, but this was exactly what I needed. O’Connell was showing me that nothing had changed, that I was as desirable to him now as I’d always been, and it’s what made this frenzied coupling so loving. Our lips collided, and we struggled to breathe as our hands roamed freely over each other’s bodies. He reached between us to touch me, and I was so close that when he eased himself gently inside me, I came immediately, clenching and throbbing as he thrust in and out as hard as he could. The look on his face was fierce as he tried to hold out, but seconds later, he erupted inside on me and every muscle and tendon in his body strained as he rode the waves of his orgasm.
He collapsed down next to me and effortlessly lifted my languid, weightless body to lay on his.
“Love you, baby,” I mumbled, but I didn’t hear his response as I drifted happily into a deep and dreamless sleep.
I woke the next morning feeling totally at peace. We had slept away a whole day and night, but we’d both been exhausted. The sun was streaming through the window and the usual discomfort of waking up in an apartment colder than Alaska in winter was deliciously absent, warded off by the big warm body wrapped around all of mine. O’Connell was twisting one of my curls between his fingers so I knew he was awake.
“Good morning. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up for ages.”
“Sorry. You should have just woken me up.” I yawned.
“You needed the rest. How do you fancy a day of fun today?”
“Fun?” I asked sleepily, as though it was a foreign concept.
“Yeah, fun. I’ve just won my fight, things between us are back where they should be, and I’ve got one more day off before I go back to training. So today we’re going to forget our shit and our drama and just cut loose.”
“What did you have in mind?” I asked.
“Well, I thought we could go to a movie then maybe meet up with all the guys for ten-pin bowling.”
“That sounds great!” I said, but I bit my lip as I contemplated the first stumbling block. “I’m not sure that I can afford it, though,” I admitted truthfully.
“Don’t worry, sunshine, it’s on me,” he answered.
“And how come you’re feeling so flush?” I asked.
“Because,” he said, rolling over on top of me. “I have a new sponsor, which means that I finally get paid to train full-time. It’s not much, but it’s enough to take my girl out on.”
“That’s fantastic news! So when’s your next fight?”
“It should be in about six weeks, just after Christmas. I don’t know who it will be against yet, but it’ll put me on the radar of title contenders. I’ll have to pay my dues for a long time yet, but the better I do in fights like this, the better chance I have of attracting other sponsors.”
“I’m so proud of you, O’Connell,” I told him, and his grin was enormous.
“No one’s ever said that to me before, either.”
“I love you, and I’m proud of you,” I reminded him, and he kissed me fiercely.
“I’m gonna make it my mission to make sure you always feel the same way, baby. Now go and get that sexy arse of yours dressed so that we can start this date.”
I kissed him quickly then hopped out of bed, wrapping the sheet around me. O’Connell might know my body intimately, but that didn’t mean that I was comfortable flaunting it in front of him in the cold light of day. He slapped my backside and watched me jump. I could tell that he didn’t have any such reservations about my naked body. The gleam in his eyes told me I’d better be quick, or I’d find myself naked and in bed again.
I couldn’t even remember what the movie we saw was about. What I remembered was cuddling into O’Connell’s side to share a bucket of popcorn and being late for bowling because we couldn’t stop holding hands and kissing in the car park.
“Fuck me, the lovebirds finally made it,” welcomed Tommy, as we found them in a lane already loading everyone’s names into the computer.
“Don’t get jealous, Tom. Con might be taken, but I’m still free,” Kieran reassured him by patting his thigh, as he carried on loading names. Tommy dropped the cocky look and stared at Kieran.
“I’m fucking worried about you, ya know,” he responded, tipping his beer toward Kieran. “For the millionth fucking time, I am NOT gay, and if you pat my leg or squeeze my knee one more time, you’re gonna be pulling back a stump!”
O’Connell sat down and pulled me onto his lap. He was grinning broadly, and I had to stifle a giggle.
Kieran stopped typing, turned to see that Tommy wasn’t joking, and then quick as a flash leaned over and kissed Tommy on the cheek.
“That’s it! You’re fucking dead!” he screamed. Shoving his beer onto the table, he launched himself at Kieran, who was laughing so hard that he only made a half-hearted attempt to defend himself. Mac and the other guys whooped and hollered at Tommy trying to give Kieran a hiding, throwing bits of their popcorn at them by way of encouragement. I looked around us, worried that the boys might be getting a little too rowdy for the other patrons, but the lanes on either side of us were empty, with most of the families down at the other end. I guessed the staff had taken one look at my boys and decided to separate us from the general population. After their little scuffle, the guys settled down and got serious about their bowling. I thought this was a Saturday afternoon pastime for kids and elderly people—but wisely kept my opinion to myself. With how competitive they all were, you’d think they were contenders for an Olympic gold. When Tommy won with a final strike, I thought he was going to pee himself. As I sat there cuddled into O’Connell and watching the boys laughing and messing with each other, I realised that this motley band of brothers were my brothers now. From the outside, people viewed them as I once did—big, loud, and intimidating. They were all of that, but they were also mine and there wasn’t one of these boys, whether I was O’Connell’s girl or not, who wouldn’t stand between Frank and me. That wasn’t friendship; it was family. That was what my mum should have done for me.
“You okay?” O’Connell whispered as he rubbed my back in gentle circles. I turned to kiss him on the cheek.
“I’m fine, baby. Just contemplating how much I love this bunch of misfits.” I laughed as O’Connell actually scowled.
“I love them like brothers, you idiot, not like I love you.”
“This is one of those insecure moments I was telling you about. I need you to wrap yourself around me and kiss me until I’m feeling better,” he pouted.
Giggling, I wrapped my arms around his neck and proceeded to cover him in silly sloppy kisses. He grinned back, knowing this wasn’t what he meant, but loving it anyway.
“Get a room,” the guys all shouted, throwing popcorn at us.
“Fuck off.” O’Connell grinned and hugged me closer.
We went from the bowling alley to the arcade, where O’Connell helped me play all the games I never played as a teenager. When the guys all gravitated toward the ‘shoot ‘em up’ games, O’Connell gave me his little boy face. I rolled my eyes and told him to join them. Armed with a pocket full of change, courtesy of my boyfriend, I went exploring. The guys found me half an hour later going head to head with thirteen-year-old Lily on the dance machine. She was absolutely flipping awesome at that thing. She’d spotted me milling about with a fist full of change and challenged me. I quickly realised that I’d been suckered, when I noticed the name “LILY M.” appeared seven times on the top scorer’s board. We were burning through the change pretty quickly, but my score for Shakira’s “Hips don’t lie” wasn’t too shabby at all, and before the boys even got there we’d drawn quite a teen crowd. As good as my score was, it wasn’t enough to beat her, but I accepted my defeat with good grace and a little bow to the crowd. A year ago, I would never even have gone into a place like this, and here I was dancing in public and playing to a crowd. My boys gave me the biggest cheer of all. I smiled, but I knew that my cheeks were burning red. The rest of the day flew by in a myriad of happy memories, and it was a day that will stay with me for the rest of my life. It was the first day that I’d ever woken up happy and gone to bed the same way. We finally left the boys at the Royal Oak pub where the drinks were flowing as well as the women. I walked home hand in hand with the man I loved, and when he made me a cup of tea to take to bed after fixing my heater, I fell in love with him a little more.
I WOULDN’T SAY THAT from then on we spent every waking moment together, because we didn’t. The very next day, O’Connell was long gone before my alarm went off, back to Danny’s brutal schedule. His next big fight was January, and he was taking this seriously. We were talking about both our futures now. I had end of term exams before Christmas, so my time was divided between class and the library, but it wasn’t really that much of a hardship, given my love of maths. Nikki struggled a little with some of the course material, but she was a quick study and a hard worker, so after a few study sessions she clicked with some of the concepts that she didn’t have the hang of in class. I think we were both good influences on Max, Albie, and Ryan, who spent as many nights in the warm library as we did. I suspected that O’Connell or Mac had said something to Albie because none of the guys ever let me walk home alone. I was still cautious and had good reason to be, but the fear didn’t own me anymore. I had a life, and I was busy living it, but those four days until the weekend were worth the wait. O’Connell was so exhausted that sometimes he’d only make it through the door long enough to shower and scarf down a meal, before falling asleep with his head in my lap while I stroked my fingers through his hair and watched cheesy movies. We were building a future together, and our foundation was a million stolen, wondrous moments like this, and it was a foundation stronger than rock. Every love letter, every kiss, every laugh and shared memory—they were all tiny bricks that paved the road on which we walked. One day, I would look back on the journey, and I’d know there wasn’t a single one of those memories that I’d regret making. That wasn’t to say that we never argued though. There were days that he’d finish training and pick me up to see me chatting with one of the maths geeks, and he’d lose his temper, until I reassured him that I wasn’t going to leave him for a civil engineer or a physicist. There were other times when I’d see girls eying him up as though his clothes were made of edible chocolate spread, and I’d be grumpy, not wanting to admit why. We were yet to have an argument, though, that didn’t end up with one of us laughing. O’Connell loved it when I argued back. Bit by bit, the timid little mouse who flinched before him was disappearing. When I raised my voice, which admittedly didn’t happen often, it reminded him of how strong I’d become. That was the thing about love, I’d discovered. It wasn’t about having a blissfully wonderful relationship where everything was always sunshine and roses. No matter how pure and beautiful your love was, life could be cruel and ugly. It would throw things at your relationship when you were tired and broke. It would be strained and tested through the worst of storms. Real love, though, the kind that saw couples live through sixty years of World Wars and recessions and still let them stare at each other on their death bed with the same devotion that they felt on their wedding day, love like that, well, it lasted forever.