“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” I whispered. “If you do that again, you’re going to snap my spine in half.”
“I seem to remember you telling me once that you could bend like a pretzel.”
“I was blind drunk. You should never listen to anything a girl says when she’s blind drunk.”
He chuckled as he kissed me long and hard. It was so intense, so amazing, that I honestly believed that he would have made good on his word if I hadn’t decided to repeat the favour. Running my fingers down the washboard abs that I’d admired for so long, I didn’t stop when I reached his jeans and brushed my hand gently across the rock hard denim.
“Fuck, baby, I’ve got to stop,” he muttered harshly¸ resting his forehead against mine.
“Why?” I ask timidly, worried that I was doing something wrong.
“Sunshine. I’m hanging on by a thread here. If you touch me like that again I’m gonna come in my jeans like some horny fifteen-year-old.”
I loved that I had the same power over his body that he had over mine. I didn’t feel ashamed of what he’d made me feel. I felt beautiful and loved and so completely satisfied that I wanted to share that feeling with him. So I offered him something that I’d never offered anyone before.
“O’Connell,” I whispered, and he looked up into my eyes. “I don’t want you to stop.”
His gaze softened as he comprehended my meaning. “Baby, it’s too soon. I don’t want to push you into something that you’re going to regret tomorrow. I don’t think I could handle that.”
Once upon a time, I would have taken his rejection as a valuation of my self-worth, but I was stronger than that now. This man could have taken whatever he wanted without my consent, or even with it, knowing that I wasn’t truly ready. But he didn’t want my body if it didn’t come with my heart. This giant among giants had never used his strength to intimidate me. His power lay in making me fall in love with him, and to do that, he’d laid himself at my feet, offering all that he had and all of himself without asking for anything in return except my heart.
“It’s not too soon. It’s exactly the right time. I love you, and you love me.”
O’Connell really looked pained.
“Baby, you’re ruining this for me. I had it all planned out. There was supposed to be expensive wine and a really nice dinner, followed by a night in a posh hotel room...”
He lost his chain of thought as I nibbled on his neck and resumed stroking his abs, which had quickly become my favourite pastime.
“I’m never drinking again,” I reminded him.
“I would have worn a really nice suit and taken you on a great date...” He carried on as I distracted him, until I finally left him speechless.
“It’s okay if you have performance anxiety, you know,” I joked.
He flipped me over and started tickling me as I erupted with laughter.
“I’ll give you fucking performance anxiety,” he said, then grabbing my hands he threaded his fingers between mine and held them above my head.
“Are you sure?” he asked seriously. “I wanted this to be special.”
“It is special,” I reassured him. “It will always be special.”
He nodded as though I’d convinced him and released my hands. Stripping at the speed of light, he rescued a condom from his wallet as he chucked his clothes over the side of the bed. Slipping it on quickly, it was clear that he’d practised this many times before. I could feel my self-confidence wavering again, until he stopped and stared at me, like he was trying to memorise every inch of my face. Leaning forward gently, he kissed me like it was the last time he’d ever see me. That was what this felt like. When you loved someone, every kiss was your first kiss and your last, and I hoped to be giving my last kisses to O’Connell forever. His clever calloused hands cupped my calf then purposely slid their way up my leg. His plump pink lips, swollen with our kisses, captured my bottom lip between them and nipped gently as he cupped my arse and rubbed me against him. All traces of languidness were gone, and as if my body was his to command, I was on fire again. We devoured each other with our kisses, and I knew that I’d never be the same after this. He knew exactly what he was doing when he reached around to stroke me tenderly. Slipping a finger inside me, he moved slowly in and out, timing each thrust with a gentle rub of his thumb.
“O’Connell, I can’t,” I panted. “It’s too much.”
“Shall I stop then?” he chuckled.
“No! More please.”
“Ah, now there’s the begging that I was looking for.”
I was too turned on to be pissed at him for gloating. He moved his fingers away to settle the tip of his cock against me, and I inhaled sharply. Sliding his fingers through mine, he held our hands above my head and looked deeply into my eyes.
“Are you sure, baby? It’s not too late to stop,” he reassured, gently.
I loved him even more for asking me even though I was pretty sure that his balls would explode if I stopped now. I kissed his bruised lips gently in answer to his question and tilted my pelvis to slide the tip of him into me. Groaning, he closed his eyes as the ecstasy of the moment hit him. He slid home slowly, letting me get used to his size. He was so huge that it was uncomfortable at first, but a few thrusts later, he was hitting every right spot that I’d ever read about. He looked so much like he was in pain that I whispered, “You okay?”
He chuckled nervously. “You’re so tight, baby. I don’t think I’m going to last.”
As my pleasure built, he moved faster inside me. When he let go of my hands, I ran them over his muscled back, relishing in the fact that someone so strong and fierce could be so gentle with me. Every movement intensified the sensations between us, and I felt like I was climbing some invisible wall without being able to see the top. His tender touch skimmed my hip then he reached between us to stroke me. Right at that moment, he sucked gently on the lobe of my ear and whispered, “I fucking love you, baby.”
His words lifted me over the wall, and I came hard, seeing bright and brilliant stars all around me. With a hoarse shout, O’Connell came straight after, my orgasm tipping him over the edge. Covered with a thin sheen of sweat, he was shaking hard as he looked deeply into my eyes.
“I never knew it could be like that,” he admitted. “I’ve never made love before. Now I know the difference.”
He laid his head down on my chest and fell asleep to the beating of my heart as I ran my fingers softly through his hair. His breathing, deep and even in the empty room, gave me more peace than I’d ever known.
THE HOUSE WAS EERILY QUIET as I let myself in from school. Mum was always home. She never left the house. Frank wasn’t due back for another couple of hours so I could breathe easily until then. In that precious time between my finishing school and his getting home from work, I showered and washed my hair. I always did anything that necessitated taking my clothes off when he was away. If I could have gotten away with only showering at the swimming pool, I would have. It wouldn’t be for long now. Acceptance letters to different universities had started arriving at Mrs. Wallis’ house and by September, I would have figured it out. Mum and I didn’t exactly see eye to eye. In fact, I’d be hard pressed to remember the last time we’d had an actual conversation. Not since Dad died had she made any effort to engage with me. If it weren’t for the fact that she plated a meal for me every night and washed my clothes, I would have sworn she thought that I’d died with him. Maybe it would have been better if I had. Still, she was my mum and indifference was better than abuse so I wasn’t leaving her behind. When the time came, Frank would come home from work to find that we’d disappeared. I’d take Mum with me to the furthest university that I’d been accepted to, get a student flat, and hide her away with me until I graduated. Maybe I could even convince her to get a part-time job to help with the bills. It would do her good to mix with people again. I dropped my messenger bag by the front door and kicked off my shoes as I wandered into the kitchen to get a drink. I didn’t even bother looking for Mum. She’d be around here somewhere. I looked out of the patio doors into the garden, and the shock of seeing the rage-filled reflection in the window was enough to make me drop the glass, before I felt the burning pain from being yanked backwards. The glass of juice shattered spectacularly against the tile of the kitchen floor, but that was the least of my worries. Frank had bent my arm back at an unnatural angle and was frog marching me to my room. When we got there, he threw me roughly to the floor and slapped me hard across the face on the way down for good measure. I cried out at the slap but held back the tears; they only spurred him on. He relished in my pain. He stood over me, madder than I’ve ever seen him, just staring. I kept my head bent, just praying that my beating would be over quickly. Eventually, he leaned over and slapped me again as he turned away. Frank liked to slap. It was humiliating and demeaning. Personally, I think that he just liked the satisfying sound it made when his palm cracked against my skin. It seemed too good to be true that this was all the punishment that he had to give out today. He stalked over to my bed and grabbed a piece of paper.
“What the fuck is this?” he screamed, as he threw it at me.
With shaking hands, I tried to focus on the paper. FUCK. It was an acceptance letter to the University of Edinburgh. So far, it was the furthest university away from here that I’d been accepted to. I meant to leave it with Mrs. Wallis, but I’d been so excited that I’d forgotten. Knowing Frank’s tendency to search my bag, I’d stuffed it under my pillow in a panic last night and had forgotten to take it with me this morning.
“I’m sorry, Frank. I wanted to surprise you if I got in.” I thought on my feet.
“Surprise me?” he screamed and punched me in the face this time. Now he didn’t care about humiliation, he just wanted to hurt me.
“You think that coming home to find that you’re fucking off to the other side of the country would be a nice surprise? You’re a liar and a slut and staying under my roof is the only thing that keeps you in line. You’re lucky that your mother found this and brought it to my attention, because if I had to come looking for you, I’d kill you. Do you understand?”
Knowing that Mum had shown him the letter made my chest hurt, but I nodded still looking down. If he thought that I was challenging him, this would be so much worse.
“Answer me!” he spat in my face, as he painfully grabbed my jaw to make me look at him. The pain of my mother’s betrayal was so much worse than enduring Frank, though.
“You never learn do you, little bitch? No matter how many times I teach you this lesson, no matter how much I’ve done to replace your father; you repay my kindness with shit like this.” He grabbed me by my shirt and slapped me around the face again. My eye felt like it was going to explode, and I was pretty sure that my cheek bone was fractured. There was blood running from the side of my head, and I knew this time it was going to be really bad, because he usually avoided my face. That he no longer cared whether my injuries could be covered up made me more afraid. He was staring at my chest and breathing hard through his nose, and I realised that in pulling me about he’d ripped my shirt open completely.
“You think I don’t know why you’re really trying to leave? For years, you’ve been throwing yourself at me, and because I wouldn’t give you what you want, you’re going to whore yourself out like all those other bitches, letting college boys crawl up inside you.”
I didn’t get a chance to disagree before the boot went into my stomach, and I coughed out blood. I was trying really hard to stay conscious, but I’d taken so many hits to the head that it was becoming difficult not to pass out. Maybe it was better to be out of it right now, and God knows I wished for it, but unconscious meant vulnerable, and I was vulnerable enough already. Yanking the sides of my shirt, he ripped it open completely and grabbed one of my breasts, squeezing painfully. I couldn’t help but cry out, and he smiled with satisfaction.
“If you’re so hell bent on getting fucked, then by all means I’ll give you what you want. Maybe you won’t be so quick to slut yourself out when you see how a real man and not a boy fucks.”
“NO, FRANK!” I screamed, shimmying backwards on my elbows away from him as quickly as I could. The pain was forgotten with the dawn of understanding of what would happen next.
“Please, no, Frank,” I begged. “I’m still a virgin. You’re my stepfather.”
“Like fuck you are, princess,” he roared with laughter. He’d unbuttoned his trousers and was pulling them down when I pushed myself up and tried to make a run for it. Another punch to my stomach landed me straight back on the carpet. I was so winded that I could barely breathe. He was holding down both my wrists with his full weight pressed on top of me when he bit down hard on my bra-covered nipple.
“Look at you, you little whore. I can tell you’re getting off on this.”
“No, no, no,” I begged, as the tears were running down my face uninhibited.
I was terrified, more afraid than I’ve ever been before. Bruises fade, cuts heal, but what he was about to do would stay with me forever. With one last burst of adrenaline, I screamed at the top of my voice then yelled, “Mum, help me!”
This made Frank laugh even harder, and he looked at my bedroom door waiting for her to answer. As she appeared in the doorframe, she had a complete view of my room, and it was clear that Frank was about to rape her only daughter. There was still nothing in those eyes, though. It was like she was a ghost.
“Mum, please help me,” I begged. “Please, please.” I kept begging, but I was pleading with an empty shell. Finally, she bowed her head and closed the door quietly with an audible click. I heard her shuffling footsteps as she walked away. That was the moment that changed everything. What mother would knowingly abandon her child to be raped by a monster? Maybe something in Mum really did break when Dad died, but I no longer cared. The second that she shut the door behind me, we were done. As far as I was concerned, I no longer had a mother.
“See, even your own mother agrees that you need to be taught a lesson,” he mocked as he punched me again. As soon as I was winded, he reached under my skirt and ripped off my panties. Then he pinned down my thighs as he moved between them. Coming around enough to fight him, I screamed as loudly as I could as I bucked and squirmed against him. If there was anything that I could do to get away, I did it. I slapped him, punched him, and even dug my nails into his face until they started to break off. It only enraged him further and earned me more of a beating. My face was a bloody mess, but I didn’t care about anything but what he was about to do.
“You little fucking bitch,” he screamed as he pinned down my arms.
“Please, Frank. Don’t do this. I won’t try to leave again, I promise. My dad wouldn’t do this,” I begged one last time.
“Well, he’s not fucking here, is he?”
He looked at me with such pure, evil malice that I was sure he was going to kill me when he was done. He pushed himself roughly inside me, and I screamed as I ripped beyond repair. He buried his nose in the crook of my neck, and grunted with every thrust. I felt the pain and burn of each one, and it was excruciating. This sick fuck was taking away something that I’d never get back, and he was getting off on it. A few groans later, and he collapsed on top of me done.
“You enjoyed that, didn’t you,” he told me licking my neck. “Maybe this is a lesson you need to learn more than once.”
The doorbell rang and I heard my mum’s voice as she answered whoever was at the door. He pulled out of me sharply, and it hurt just as much as it did going in. He used my skirt to wipe the blood off his cock, before zipping himself up.
“Just remember to keep your fucking mouth shut,” he reminded me and punched me again. Five minutes too late, I got my wish, and everything went black.
I OPENED MY EYES and tried to scream when I felt a hard body next to me. Nothing came out because I couldn’t breathe. When I realised that it was O’Connell, I stopped trying to scream, but it didn’t help with my breathing. I was hyperventilating, and I didn’t know what to do about it. Searching around for my candles, I panicked when I remembered that they were all gone. My lungs were sucking in oxygen too quickly. I knew that I was going to pass out soon, when O’Connell lifted me onto his lap and wrapped himself around me. His Irish lilt soothed as he held me close and gently whispered, “breathe, baby. Just listen to me breathing in and out and do the same. I’m the scariest motherfucker you’ve ever met, and nothing is going to get to you without getting to me first.”
He did this for five minutes. Just reassuring me how brutal and bad he was and how he’d destroy anything and anyone who tried to hurt me again, and I believed him. As soon as my breathing was under control, I collapsed in his embrace with a sob.
“I’m so sorry,” I cried into his chest.
He wiped away my tears with his big hands and a sad smile.
“It was making love that triggered it, wasn’t it?” he asked, sadly.
“That, the fight, your mum. They’re all triggers, and I guess it just caught up with me.” He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t stop kissing or rocking me, either. His touch worked so much better than anything else had because everything that he said was right. He was the scariest person that I’d ever met, and there was no way that Frank would stand a chance against him. O’Connell loved me, but I knew that for him to really love me then he had to know all of me. That included my last deep, dark and dirty secret. If he still stayed after knowing the ugly truth, then I could finally believe that this was forever.