IT TOLD ME A LOT ABOUT how sad and pathetic I was, that knowing what he’d just done and smelling her perfume still on him, I was pleased that he hadn’t forgotten me. I didn’t understand why I was so desperate to be the focus of this man’s attention, when I’d tried for so long to stay in people’s peripheral vision. Nikki and Albie stared at both of us slack jawed until Nikki recovered herself.
“Well, hello gorgeous. It’s very nice of you to offer, but we can take care of our friend.” She softened the rejection with a pretty, yet sensual pout, which I suspected was well rehearsed.
“It’s nice of you all to worry, but I can take care of myself,” I intervened with finality.
I’d just seen O’Connell cart off some random slut to the bathroom. There was no way that I could handle any more of Nikki flirting with him. I’d had my quota of crazy for the night, and I felt an overwhelming need to crawl back into my shell.
“I’ll see you all soon.” I smiled tightly. With a small wave, and without meeting anyone’s eyes, I turned and made my way toward the front door. Only when it closed behind me could I breathe again. Not stopping, I put my head down and set a brisk pace toward my apartment. Seconds later, the sound of heavy boots running toward me made me flinch.
“Hello, O’Connell.”
“You don’t hang around, do you, girl.”
“It’s late. I really just want a hot drink and to curl up in bed.”
I sighed, as I contemplated the safe cocoon of my apartment. To call it warm would be an exaggeration, but it was all that I could afford at the moment. It had little insulation, and heaters that only worked intermittently. Even then, they only came on after some serious abuse with a frying pan.
“What are you, like ninety? It’s not even midnight yet,” he mocked.
“Well, then, don’t let me stop you from getting any more action. The night is still young.”
I was going for sarcastic, but I had the feeling I just sounded tired. I waited for the witty comeback, and when it didn’t come, I glanced across at him.
“You saw then,” he mumbled, quietly.
“I kind of thought you wanted everyone to see by the way you carried her through the party,” I whispered.
“Why didn’t you come and talk to me?” he asked. Was he fucking kidding?
“You looked kind of intimidating, sat there with all of your friends,” I answered honestly.
“They’re not my friends,” he replied.
“It doesn’t make them any less intimidating.”
“I wouldn’t have done it if you’d come and talked to me.”
“Are you serious?” I stopped walking, and stared at him in disbelief. “You had sex with that girl because I didn’t come and talk to you?”
He turned around to answer me, and for the first time since I’d met him, he didn’t look cocky or arrogant, just pissed and a little shamed.
“I got pissed, okay! You told me that you didn’t do parties. Then I see you laughing like you’re having the time of your life, with some fucker all over you. If you wanted to blow me off about the party, you should’ve just told me straight.”
How could I be pissed at him and pleased at the same time? I should, really, be scared. He radiated anger, and although he wasn’t drunk, I got the feeling it would only take one wrong word from the wrong person, and he’d find an outlet for his temper. With everything I’d been through, he should be the last person I’d want near me, but my heart and mind were in two different places.
“You are such an idiot.” I sighed.
“I don’t go to college, so that makes me a fucking idiot?” he argued.
He was practically shouting at me, but I never raised my voice. It just wasn’t in my nature.
“You’re an idiot, because I only came to the party to see you. My friend ditched me, and Albie was the only other person there I knew.”
Just like that, I’d taken the wind out of his sails and deflated his temper.
“I didn’t fuck her, you know. I was pissed off, and I wanted to make you jealous. But as soon as I couldn’t see you anymore, I knew what a huge fucking mistake I’d made. I blew her off to come and find you.”
I sighed with relief. He wasn’t mine, and I wasn’t his. But just knowing that he hadn’t been with that girl made everything seem better.
“How did she take it?” I pressed, and he chuckled in response.
“She wasn’t happy, but she’ll get over it.”
“Why didn’t you come and talk to me?” he asked gently.
“I already told you how intimidating you looked with them all. I’m not like those other girls you were with, O’Connell. I never will be.”
He looked like he was in pain as he stared hard at me. I couldn’t take the heat from that stare and dropped my eyes to the ground as I felt my cheeks colouring.
“I know you’re not, sunshine,” he responded sadly.
I started walking again, and he fell into step beside me. Neither of us said anything for a while, but it was a companionable silence. I liked the way he could share my space without needing to fill it.
“You looked beautiful tonight,” he said quietly.
“Really?” I smiled. It was so pathetic how happy the compliment made me, but I didn’t think anyone had ever called me beautiful before.
“Yeah,” he answered. “You know you should smile more often. It looks good on you.” I didn’t want to bring us both down by admitting that I hadn’t had much to smile about in a while.
“I’m working on it,” was all I offered in return.
“How come I didn’t see Kieran with you? I thought he was going to the party as well?”
“Um...he was there,” O’Connell mumbled, as he rubbed the back of his neck, looking a little sheepish.
“I didn’t see him.”
“He was getting laid upstairs.”
“Oh.”
Honestly, what could I say? Had I known that the party was going to be one big orgy, I’d have definitely found a better way to spend my Saturday night. Then again, O’Connell and I wouldn’t be here now.
“So, is this how you guys spend most of your weekends?”
“Pretty much, I guess. I love fighting. The partying and women just comes with it. I used to think it was a pretty good life,” he confessed.
“Used to?” I questioned.
“Yeah. Until you. Most of the girls I know will fuck you for a Bacardi and Coke. Taking what they were offering never seemed wrong before, but when I offered to walk you home, you looked at me like shit. Made me see how my life looks to you.”
I didn’t know what to say. Sure, I hated the way that women threw themselves at him and the partying definitely wasn’t me, but who was I to judge? My own life was too fucked up to allow me to judge anyone else’s.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be judgemental. I’m not used to it, that’s all. It was a shock. But given that half the stuff I saw tonight was a complete eye opener, I think I’d be better off sticking to what’s safe from now on.”
“You know safe is boring, sunshine.” O’Connell smiled with his trademark, sex appeal grin and not the genuine one that made me tingle.
“Perhaps,” I replied sadly, “but boring is still safe.”
When we made it to my apartment block, I opened the main entrance door and without even thinking about it allowed him to walk me to my door. Letting myself in, I leant against the doorframe to say goodbye.
“Thanks for walking me home,” I told him.
“You’re welcome,” he replied, tucking one of my curls behind my ear. It was so beautifully intimate, that I had to steel myself not to close my eyes as his touch grazed my cheek.
“I’m sorry I fucked up tonight. I would have liked hanging out with you,” he told me, sadly.
“I would have liked that, too,” I replied. “It’s probably for the best, though,” I admitted painfully. “The drinking and partying isn’t me. I couldn’t give you what those girls do, not even close. I’d go from a novelty to a bore in the space of one evening.”
“You really have no idea, do you?” He chuckled. I said nothing, having no clue what he was talking about.
“You know I’ll make it up to you. Turns out that I’m as shit at this whole friends thing as you are, but I’d like to have another crack at it.” His swagger was back now with renewed enthusiasm and his optimism that we could ever be friends was infectious.
“You think its possible then?” I asked.
“What…that we can be friends? Hell yeah, baby. Course that doesn’t mean I won’t try my best to make you fall in love with me, too,” he joked.
“Don’t worry, I’m fairly immune to your charm,” I quipped.
I could see that he was itching to volley with a sleazy comeback, but he really was reining it in. Maybe he was serious about being friends. I worried that I would spend half my time with O’Connell wanting more, but wouldn’t I be doing that anyway, even if he weren’t with me? Despite his cocky charm, there was no way I was letting myself falling in love with this man. I really didn’t think that my heart could take the beating.
“You working at the cafe tomorrow?” he asked.
“Uh, huh. The early shift,” I replied. “Why?”
“No reason. I might develop a sudden urge for a fried breakfast, though.” I grinned at the thought of seeing him tomorrow and cursed myself for being so obvious. I literally had no game face.
“Goodnight,” he murmured, and in the sweetest move ever, leant forward and gently kissed my cheek.
“Goodnight,” I whispered back. I closed my door as he strode down the hall and banged my head back against it. So much for not falling for him. I was absolutely fucked.
Work the next morning was a double-edged sword. I’d been used to enough late mornings and warm nights hunched over the computer in my office, that I’d become spoilt. Having to get up at the crack of dawn and drag myself through the icy streets in my thin shoes was brutal. The double edge to the sword was the delicious anticipation of seeing O’Connell again. I was so busy cleaning my station, I didn’t even realise he was there until he was right behind me.
“Good morning, sunshine.” I felt his breath, warm against my neck, as he whispered his greeting into my ear. He was so close behind me that a fraction closer and his lips would have been touching my skin. The slightest scent of his aftershave lingered, and my stomach clenched with excitement. I turned around to face him.
“Good morning, yourself.”
“You’re getting better, you know,” he pointed out.
“Better?” I asked.
“Yeah. Not too long ago, you’d have jumped a mile if I’d crept up on you like that, but today you didn’t flinch.”
“Well, I’m kind of getting used to having you man giants around,” I replied with a grin as O’Connell slid into a booth.
“Boo,” a second voice behind me said over my shoulder.
This time I did jump a mile and turned around just in time to smack Kieran on the arm.
“Arsehole,” I muttered as I hit him.
“Ow,” he moaned, rubbing his arm as he sat across from O’Connell.
“How come he gets the smile, and I’m the arsehole,” he moaned.
“Because he warned me that he was coming,” I replied.
It was somewhat true, but I didn’t think I was brave enough to confess that I’d been watching and waiting for O’Connell all morning. Even now, the sight of him in worn jeans and a crisp, clean white t-shirt, that hugged his biceps like a second skin, made me hungry with a craving I wouldn’t satisfy. Every woman in the cafe, young or old, looked his way. I saw them surreptitiously stealing glances at him as he watched me, and why wouldn’t they? At six-foot-five of solid muscle, he was easily the biggest man in here, but it was more than that. He was the embodiment of everything that women wanted but didn’t know they were looking for. He was big enough to protect, but dangerous enough that it was a turn on. His raw masculinity triggered the release of an unfettered string of pheromones wherever he went. Even just taking his order, I was barely holding it together, and I was betting that there was more than one girl around here whose knickers were wet just from watching him. That didn’t mean Kieran wasn’t gorgeous as well. That boy had a killer body, and a great personality to go with it, but it was the danger that drew women to O’Connell. Those beautiful, scarred and calloused hands could break a man, and the thought that he could do that to protect me made something inside me melt. It felt like everyone’s eyes were on us both, and I began to panic. I didn’t want to be invisible anymore, but I couldn’t be in O’Connell’s limelight, either, and there seemed to be no happy medium. If I couldn’t stay a ghost, or at least hidden in the shadows, how long would it be before Frank found me? It was a sobering thought, but just because I couldn’t act on my feelings for O’Connell didn’t stop me from having them.
I looked up to see both the boys staring at me, and I had the feeling that I’d just missed something.
“What can I get you both for breakfast?” I asked.
“Whatever takes care of this hangover and stops me from feeling like shite,” Kieran groaned as he laid his head down across his arms that were resting on the table.
“One coffee coming up.” I chuckled.
“I’ll have a full fried breakfast with everything, please, sunshine,” beamed O’Connell.
“Ah, I think I’m gonna puke,” moaned the muffled voice from the table. I smiled as I walked off to put in their order, and when I returned with their food and coffee, Kieran was still looking green.
“Seriously, mate,” he complained to O’Connell.
“I’m about two minutes from puking my guts up, and you’re gonna eat that shite in front of me?”
“First off, you followed me here. You could’ve kept your sorry arse in bed. Second, what the fuck did you think I was gonna be eating when I told you we were coming to Daisy’s, and third, it’s not shite. Daisy’s makes the best breakfast in the world. It’s not my fault you can’t handle your drink.”
“Fuck off.” Kieran grinned. “You practically dragged me here, and if you’d come back last night instead of leaving me hanging, then you’d be feeling like shite, too,” he complained.
“You didn’t go back to the party?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“I’m turning over a new leaf, sunshine. No more getting wasted, and no more fucking random strangers.”
My jaw dropped as Kieran raised his head with a, “What. The. Fuck.”
“I’m serious, Kier. It makes a nice change to be eating breakfast and training without a raging hangover. I could get used to it.”
Kieran looked up at me with a mixture of wonder and disbelief.
“Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out the reason for this one-eighty, but how far are we talking here? No parties and t-total?”
“Parties are okay, just not so many of ‘em, and I’m not a fucking monk, so a drink now and then is alright. I just don’t want to get wasted anymore. Anyway, what are you so pissed for? It’s me who’ll be doing it.”
“What’s the point in partying, if you’re not gonna do it with me?”
O’Connell just grinned at him as he carried on attacking his breakfast with gusto. Kieran laid his head back down on the table, honestly looking like he was about to be sick at any minute.
“Drink your coffee, Kieran,” I urged. “It will make you feel better.”
I didn’t know if I was smiling because he was endearing or because of O’Connell’s resolution, but I was feeling better than I had since before the party.
“Promise?” Kieran asked in his little boy voice.
O’Connell stopped stock still with his knife and fork suspended in mid-air and muttered a quiet, “Fuck,” as he stared behind me. The slut from last night was strolling bold as brass down the aisle toward my section, like some kind of catwalk model strutting down a runway, wearing exactly the same outfit that she’d had on last night. As she brushed past me, I was the invisible I’d always wanted to be. All the sick feelings from last night came rushing back as sadness and inadequacy pressed down on me. She slid into the booth next to O’Connell and ran her manicured hand up and down the inside of his thigh.
“Hey, baby,” she purred. “I was hoping I’d run into you.”
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
It was Kieran, spluttering with rage, who challenged her. O’Connell looked as sick as a pig and was staring at me like he was waiting for my reaction. The slut completely ignored Kieran as she spoke, still stroking his thigh.
“So... you left last night, and I realised that I’d completely forgotten to give you my phone number and email.”
As she artfully pulled a slip of paper from shorts that looked vacuum-sealed to her arse, O’Connell seemed to snap out of his trance.
“I told you last night I wasn’t interested.”
She smiled sexily at him, completely unfazed.
“After the way we connected, there’s no way that you aren’t coming back to finish what we started.”
“I’m not gonna say this again, so let me make myself perfectly clear. I don’t care if you can suck the brass off a doorknob. I’m not interested. If you want more than I was offering, there are plenty of boys out there who’d be happy to help.”
Although O’Connell was brushing her off, I still empathised with how sick Kieran was feeling. The slut’s expression morphed into one of rage, making her attractive face instantly ugly, and I could sense from the tension that she was spoiling for a fight. Finally noticing me, she snapped.
“What the fuck are you looking at? The service around here is shit, and I have a good mind to complain to your manager that you were eavesdropping on my conversation. Now get your shit together and pour me some coffee.”
O’Connell’s jaw was grinding in temper, and I could tell from Kieran’s body language that he wasn’t fairing much better. O’Connell placed his huge hand gently over mine as I poured the coffee shakily.
“Do you think you could bring us some more toast, please, sunshine,” he asked gently.
I nodded grimly in response, feeling like crap after the way she’d spoken to me. As soon as I was halfway to the kitchen, I heard O’Connell’s voice low and menacing.
“Listen, bitch. You don’t even get to fucking talk to her. She’s worth a thousand of bitches like you, and if you get up in her face like that again, you’ll wish we’d never fucking met. Now get fuck off out of my booth so I can finish my breakfast.”
“Fine,” she spluttered, “but you won’t settle for some frumpy little waitress for long. You need someone like me, O’Connell. You’ll be back, and you’d just better hope I’m still waiting.”
I couldn’t hear O’Connell’s response as I got to the kitchen and went through the motions of making another round of toast, but his defence touched me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had anybody in my corner like that, and in the space of one conversation, I’d gone from feeling terrible to being on top of the world. O’Connell had become my emotional rollercoaster, and I wasn’t ready to get off the ride. I walked back to their table with the toast, apprehensive of the fallout, but whatever the boys said had worked. She was gone. I placed the toast down on the table as Kieran gave me a tight smile.
“I’m sorry about that,” O’Connell apologised.
“No problem. She seemed nice,” I replied.
Both boys burst out laughing, probably relieved that I wasn’t crying in the corner somewhere, but I was stronger than that. Her insults hurt and damaged my fragile ego, but I’d been abused far worse than that for a long time.
“She’s a bitch, and I’m sorry for bringing my shit to your work.”
I nodded to let them both know that I was okay, but deep down I knew she was right. O’Connell might be my friend, but I couldn’t hold his interest forever. Eventually, he’d go back. Maybe not to her, but to someone like her. That was just the way the world worked.