IT WAS CLEAR THAT SHE’D been a very beautiful woman once. How could she not have been? After all, O’Connell had half of her genes. The years of alcohol abuse had obviously taken their toll and no amount of the make-up that she’d towelled on or the too tight clothes could disguise the obvious signs of her aging. When O’Connell looked toward her, she played the doting dutiful mother to perfection. Smiling and gazing at him adoringly, she seemed delighted that her only son had introduced her to the object of his affection. Behind his back, she looked at me with nothing less than pure evil and I had no idea what I’d done to deserve it. I could feel myself withering under the intensity of her animosity. I had been the victim of that look before, and I knew that this meeting would not end well for me. How could I possibly tell that to O’Connell, though? The answer was that I couldn’t, so I did the only thing that I could do. I stuck out my hand and said, “I’m pleased to meet you.”
“Likewise, dear.” She assessed me as she shook my hand.
“Did you enjoy the fight?” I asked her, searching for small talk.
“Of course,” she replied, as though that were patently obvious. “I love to see my son win. What about you, did you enjoy it? Cormac tells me that this is your first fight.”
I answered her as honestly as I could.
“I was proud of him, and I’m glad that he didn’t get hurt.”
“Well, we’re all glad about that, of course,” his mum interjected.
“Hello, Sylvia. It’s a pleasant surprise to see you sober and upright.” Kieran burst into the conversation, and my jaw dropped that he would insult O’Connell’s mum, especially in front of him.
“Kieran, I see that age hasn’t improved your manners at all. Shouldn’t you be out scouting for tonight’s STD-infested whore,” she retorted. I was stunned that they weren’t even pretending to like each other. While Kier and Sylvia ignored any kind of social propriety, O’Connell just looked embarrassed. Removing his arm from around my shoulders, he reached for my hand and gripped it hard, as though he was worried that I would run at any moment. I ran my thumb gently across his hand. I didn’t know if he’d feel it beneath his wraps, but he squeezed my hand in return, and it was like we were having a silent conversation.
“So, are you and my son seeing each other, or are you just tonight’s prize?”
“Ma,” O’Connell growled. Clearly, Sylvia had become bored of playing nice, and O’Connell was beyond pissed. Whether she was saying this to get a rise out of him or me, I wasn’t sure, but by the death grip that he had on my hand, I could tell that he needed some reassurance.
“Don’t be testy, son,” she replied. “It’s not like you’ve ever talked about her before, is it?”
He ground his jaw as he tried not to react to his mother’s baiting, and I was beginning to get a sense of how toxic she was.
“I talk about her all the time. You don’t know that because I moved out over a month ago.”
“Maybe you should move back in, lovely. You’d have your own room and then perhaps I could get to hear about what’s important in your life.” She sounded so genuine when she asked him to move back in that it was easy to forget that she was the reason that he moved out in the first place. He squeezed my hand again, almost like he was reminding himself that I was still here. I was aware that I’d done nothing to give him the support that she was undermining.
“Thanks, Ma, but I’m fine at Kieran’s.” I could see that she was ready to press her case before I jumped in.
“In answer to your question Mrs. O’Connell, yes, Con and I are seeing each other, and I’m sure that we’ll get to know each other better now that we’ve been introduced.”
Kieran and O’Connell grinned a mile wide as I admitted for the first time that O’Connell and I were more than just friends. There really wasn’t any point in continuing to pretend that our relationship was just friendship. For some crazy reason, O’Connell had chosen me, and like the hurricane that he was, he’d blown into my life whether I was ready for him or not.
“Perhaps, we should see how long this lasts before we invest any time in getting to know each other. After all, my son tends to go through girls like they’re disposable.”
“Ma!” O’Connell admonished in horror.
“I’m sure that was true once, but I’m betting that he’s never introduced a girl to you before,” I replied.
Sylvia looked as though she was sucking on lemons, and I knew she didn’t like me answering back. Frank gave the same look me when I said something in public that I knew I’d pay for in private later. She wouldn’t say whatever else she had to say to me in front of O’Connell, but this conversation was far from over.
“Come on, sunshine. We need to leave your boy to talk business.”
I could practically see the gleam in Sylvia’s greedy eyes as Kieran nodded toward the sponsors talking with Danny. Glad to be away from this conversation, I muttered, “See you soon,” and kissed O’Connell briefly on the cheek, which earned me a pulse racing smile.
“It was nice to meet you, Sylvia,” I lied politely. “I’m sure that we’ll see each other again soon.”
“I’m sure we will,” she retorted, as though it were a veiled threat. I had to work hard not to cringe.
Kieran led me back to the changing room, which was packed full. Mac had obviously invited my friends back there, and with the guys from the gym euphoric from the win, it was like a mini party.
“Oh man, Con rocked! I can’t believe that I’ve never been to a fight before,” Nikki enthused, and I grinned. “Em, that man of yours is seriously fucking hot.”
She wasn’t wrong, and now that I didn’t have the fear of him getting hurt hanging over me, the reminder of my promise totally turned me on. Hot and sweaty was a look he wore well. The thin sheen of moisture only highlighted a body that I alone would have free rein to explore. Lust made me uncomfortable, and I squirmed in my seat, wondering what delicious things he would do to me later. After so many weeks of hard training, I imagined that he’d want to party a bit first, he’d certainly earned it. With my friends around me, I was relaxed enough to enjoy myself as well. Someone was playing music while we all waited for the guys, and O’Connell’s smelly sweaty changing room was beginning to feel more and more like a nightclub.
“Where’s Ryan?” I asked Nikki, looking around.
“Don’t know, don’t care,” she replied in a tone which made it patently obvious that she did care. I didn’t want to upset her anymore by pressing for the details. She’d tell me in her own time or not at all, but privacy was a gift that well-meaning friends rarely cherished. She nudged me with a smile.
“I’m good, Em. Buzzed from the fight and ready to party. Look, I’m going to get us a couple of drinks from the bar, okay? Keep my seat for me.”
“Don’t worry, it’s not going anywhere,” I replied.
I was so lost in thoughts about what O’Connell and I might do when he was done with the sponsors that I hadn’t even noticed anyone until she sat down in Nikki’s seat.
“Well, now would be as good a time as any for us to get to know one another.” The malice in Sylvia’s eyes was completely unrestrained as she glared at me with contempt. I tried to remember all the rules I lived by when I was around Frank, but it was too late. I wasn’t that person anymore. Danny, O’Connell, Kieran, Tommy, Nikki, and all the other guys had changed me. Granted, beneath the surface, my insecurities were still there and still deeply ingrained, but my skin was thick enough that I couldn’t subjugate myself to her petty insults.
“What can I do for you, Sylvia?” I asked, politely.
“Well, for starters, you can fuck off back to whatever hole you crawled out of before you decided to latch your claws onto my son.”
“Wow, we really are foregoing all pleasantries,” I baited, unwisely.
“Bitch,” she sneered as she leaned toward me, “this is me being polite.” I shrank back into my seat. I’d gone from ‘please to meet you’ to ‘bitch’ in under ten minutes. I really must secrete some kind of chemical that made people hate me on sight.
“Why would you think that I’d want to stick my claws in him? I care about your son, and I believe that he cares about me. I don’t understand why you would be concerned about our seeing one another.”
“Is it all an act, I wonder, or are you really that naive? My son is on his way to the big time. Some of the promoters were very accommodating and most respectful when they learned that I was Con’s mother. It seems to me that he will walk away tonight with a boatload of sponsorship money, and with the fights they have lined up for him, this is only the start.”
I tensed in my seat, practically smelling the greed on her.
“Now, I’m not disputing that my son clearly has some misplaced affection toward you, but pretty soon his life will be changing dramatically. High profile fights mean he will be travelling with lots of confident, sexy women who’ll be falling over themselves for a chance to be with him. Even if he has the cast iron willpower to turn away what they’re offering, how long do you think it will be before you start feeling insecure? You know you can’t compete with any of them, so you’ll avoid the fights or hound Con into smoothing over your fears until he realises that he needs to choose either you or his career. If he chooses his career, you will have spent months falling in love with him, only to have your heart broken. If he chooses you? You’ll have ripped him away from a dream that he’s had his entire life. Now tell me. If you don’t break this off with him tonight, can you live with either ending? Can you make him happy?”
She’d done it. In less than five minutes, she’d reminded me of why I should give up the only person that I’d ever loved, and I did love him. Despite my fears, despite my protestations that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, despite my anxiety that Frank would one day find me, I loved Cormac O’Connell. Walking away from him now, before he started to feel as strongly as I did, would save him. It would keep him safe from Frank and give him the future that he deserved without the worry of leaving me behind. I would do this for O’Connell but inside my fractured heart was breaking.
“I doubt that we’ll see each other again, and I can see by the look on your face that you intend to do the right thing. For your sake, I’d suggest that it would be unwise to rethink your decision. Goodbye, Emily.”
She lit up a cigarette, put her clutch bag under her arm, and then sauntered out of the changing room on four-inch heels. You’d never tell that she’d just used them to walk all over me. I looked around, and the makeshift party was in full swing. It didn’t look as though anyone had even noticed Sylvia. If I was going to do this, then it had to be tonight. This was the start of the rest of O’Connell’s life, and I could make this sacrifice for him, but I had to do it now. If I had to tell him to his face then I’d break down. The best thing that I could do would be to put a bit of distance between us and let him have his night of celebration. Tomorrow I would set him free, and I was sure that after a while, he’d move on and write me off as a bad investment. The pain in my chest was so real that it felt like my heart was breaking, but I was sure that I’d never be enough for O’Connell in the long run anyway. My flat would be the first place that he’d go, so it looked like I’d be begging another favour from Nikki. A few minutes later, she returned from the bar.
“Nik, I know that everyone’s really excited about the fight, but I’m really feeling under the weather. Would you mind if I crashed at your place just for the night? It’s just that when the guys get drunk, they have a tendency to show up at my door at all hours of the night.”
“You’re not staying!” she exclaimed.
“My head really hurts. I just need a couple of painkillers and a good night’s sleep, but if I don’t leave now this headache will be a migraine by the morning.”
“Sure, no problem,” she replied, obviously worried.
“My roommate is away for the weekend so you can crash in her bed. Do you want me to come with you?”
She’d been having a ball before she got me a drink, but it was testament to what a good friend she’d become that she’d give up the party for me.
“Don’t be silly, I’ll be fine,” I assured her.
“Will you tell O’Connell that I’ve gone, but do me a favour and don’t tell him that I’m staying at yours. This headache will never go if he starts banging down my door drunk at three in the morning.”
“No problem. I’m not thrilled about the idea of you going home alone, but don’t worry about me waking you up. My friend Sarah lives so close to town that I’ll probably end up crashing at hers. It will save me from getting a taxi home later. Just drop off my key with the night porter if you leave tomorrow before I get home.”
“Thanks, Nikki. I owe you one,” I told her as she gave me her key.
“Bitch, you owe me like a million, but I intend to collect when I’m struggling with our next assignment.”
“Done,” I replied, then hugged her and made a hasty exit. If I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, with a bit of luck, they wouldn’t realise that I had left. The arena was still packed, and I didn’t see O’Connell. I kept my head down and didn’t look up until I could taste fresh air. I couldn’t afford to hang around waiting for a taxi, so I walked and walked until my feet hurt. Eventually, when I was actually contemplating sitting down and camping on the pavement, I flagged down a passing taxi and made my way to Nikki’s place. I was numb. Figuring that I’d imposed on Nikki’s kindness so far that she wouldn’t mind a little further, I borrowed one of her t-shirts. Washed and changed, I climbed into bed and felt the floodgates open. I cried hard and ugly as I grieved for what had been so briefly and what could never be. There was no way that I could go back to the gym now, so on top of losing O’Connell, I was losing Danny, Kieran, and the rest of my new family, and a wave of grief engulfed me again. I’d have to go back to working every shift I could get at the diner with that bitch Katrina, who’d have ammunition against me for life now that she’d seen me puke all over O’Connell.
I knew that I was free and that was all I’d ever wanted, but was it so wrong now to actually want more? Being strong for so long had left me bone wearily tired and when the tears finally dried, I was so exhausted and broken that I drifted to sleep, not really caring whether I would ever wake up.
As the dawn arrived, I still felt like crap, only now I looked like it, too. In contrast to my own place, Nikki’s apartment was warm and had heating that actually worked in the morning. Maybe it was this foreign sensation of being warm as I slept that woke me, but for one brief shining moment, I forgot where I was and what had happened. And then I remembered.
It was so tempting to hide in that lovely warm room where no one could find me, but I owed O’Connell better than that. Despite having slept, I was still tired. But I needed to get out of there and sort myself out before I faced him. He was probably passed out cold anyway if he’d been partying with Kieran after the fight. After a brief wash, I dressed and headed home, leaving Nikki’s key with the night porter. After flagging down and paying for another taxi that I couldn’t afford, I walked with dread up to my apartment, bracing myself against the bitter chill. That the apartment was lovely and warm should have been my first clue, but I had pretty good reason to be distracted. I jumped a mile then when O’Connell spoke to me.
“Hello, Emily.”
He spoke firmly, and for all the coldness in his voice, I could have been a complete stranger. As my pulse raced, I saw him sitting on my bed, fully dressed with his arms rested on his knees. He looked beaten up and tired, but more importantly, he was stone cold sober.