“WHY AREN’T YOU IN BED?” I asked him, stunned.
“Because you’re not with me,” he replied. I was tired, defeated, and mostly sad as I planted myself dejectedly down next to him. He looked almost as miserable as I felt.
“I saw you before the fight, and everything was fine. Then less than an hour after you meet my mother, you’re gone. What the fuck did she do this time?”
Any semblance of self-control that I’d managed to scrape together crumbled in the face of his pain, and the tears ran uninhibited down my face.
“We never really stood a chance, O’Connell. I thought that what I’d left behind was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but it’s not. This is worse. I’m going to destroy everything that you’ve worked for if I don’t end this now.”
He still looked miserable, but as he clenched and unclenched his fists he was eerily calm.
“Why aren’t you yelling and going ballistic right now?” I sniffed.
“Because, sunshine, I’m trying to be patient while I find out why you think you’re leaving me, and then I’m going to tell you why that just ain’t gonna happen.”
“You are the most stubborn, obstinate man that I’ve ever met,” I huffed, but he didn’t even raise a smile.
“What did she say, Em? I have a right to know,” he asked, quietly.
I took a deep breath and contemplated the shit storm that I was about to bring down on Sylvia, but O’Connell was right. He had a right to know. I would do right by him, but I wouldn’t lie to him.
“She didn’t tell me anything that wasn’t true. The more fights that you do means more time that you’ll spend away from me, while I have to stay here to finish my degree. You’ll meet loads of gorgeous women who’ll be throwing themselves at you, and even if you don’t cheat on me, you’ll spend so much time reassuring me that eventually you’ll feel like you need to choose between fighting and me. Either I’ll lose you, or I’ll end your career before it starts. That and knowing that Frank is looking for me and what he’ll do to you to get to me was enough.”
He got up and paced, before leaning over my chair and gripping it so hard that I thought it would break. His jaw locked tight, and I have never seen such pure, restrained rage in all my life. I didn’t know how he was controlling it, but if he let go of whatever trigger he was holding onto, I had a feeling that he would lay waste to something. Finally, with a hoarse shout, he gave up and started pounding on the wall until his knuckles bled. I didn’t know how to make him stop, but I couldn’t watch anymore. I threw my arms around him from behind and held on as tightly as I could. He was so powerful that I doubted that he could even feel me, so I put my lips against his neck and kissed him between reassuring him gently.
“Stop, baby. I’m here, okay? I’m here. Just stop or you’re going to hurt yourself.”
He stopped punching, but he was still angry, and I saw how much it cost him to rein in all that anger.
“Everything,” he muttered. “Everything good in my life. Anything that makes me happy or makes me feel good about myself, she takes it away. You and boxing are the best things I’ve ever had, so it’s pretty ingenious of her to use one to take away the other.”
“She didn’t want you throwing away your career for me.”
“I’m sure she fucking didn’t. She found out there were sponsors at the fight, and she got a whiff of money. You threatened her income, and she did what she does best.”
I didn’t know what to say. Regardless of her motives, her point was still effective.
“Are you sure it’s just about the money? O’Connell, anyone can tell a mile off how fucked up and insecure I am. Sure, I’ve come a long way, but to be honest, I wouldn’t want anyone like me for my son, either.”
He held his hands over mine against his heart, and I rested my head against his huge back. His breathing was evening out, and I could feel that the fight had gone out of him.
“Em, will you lay down with me? Right now, I need to hold you, and this is a conversation you need to get comfortable for.”
I nodded my agreement, and he must have felt me because he turned around and used his thumb to wipe away the tears under my eyes. The knuckles of his hand were grazed and bloody, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“Wash away your tears, baby. I’ll make you a cuppa.”
In less than five minutes, he’d gone from beating down my walls to making me tea. The pair of us couldn’t me any more messed up. Even the thought of the conversation we were about to have exhausted me, but I knew that it was overdue. Taking O’Connell’s advice, I grabbed a quick shower while he pottered about. The blistering hot water soothed me. Craving comfort, I changed into my pyjamas then gratefully accepted the hot cup of tea he gave me as I sat cross-legged beside him on my bed.
“What are you smiling about?” I asked him.
“I like that you’ve changed into your pjs. It makes it harder for you to run from me.”
He took a deep breath and really seemed to contemplate what he was about to say.
“I’m sure that Kieran, the gobshyte, has told you about my pathetic upbringing, and I’ve told you a bit about how it was. The things I went through are things that I never want my own kids to know about. I mean what eight-year-old should have to wake up and clean vomit off the floor before they get themselves ready for school and scrounge for something to eat? The times when she would stay clean and sober became more and more infrequent, but the older I got, the angrier it made me to have to live like that. I mean, she was the parent and I was the child, but it’s like the relationship was reversed. By the time I was a teenager, I was already pretty big and pissed off most of the time, with no idea how to deal with it. Every time she’d get sober, she’d promise me faithfully that she’d try and be a good parent this time around. You know, actually be there for me like a ma should. One Christmas, she got me this second-hand computer console. It was old, but it came with a load of games, and Kier and I fucking loved it. When I came home from school two months later, she’d pawned it then vomited half of what she’d bought with the money over the sofa. I was so angry, and I wanted to hit her so badly, but she was still my ma, you know? She was a shite parent, but she was the only one that I had, and when she was sober, she acted like she loved me so much. So, I dealt with my temper the only way I knew how. I picked fights with anyone who crossed me, pretty much anyone who wasn’t her. Danny caught me and Kier getting rowdy with each other, and after a supreme bollocking, he invited us to the gym. It gave me an outlet for my rage, and for the first time, I had a bit of focus. I’m pretty sure that I’d be in a very dark place now if it wasn’t for Danny. The first time she realised I was disappearing, probably because she woke up alone in a pool of her own puke, she asked around until she found me at the gym. She was blind drunk and fucking humiliated me in front of my friends and Danny. That night, I was supposed to be sparring with Mac, and I literally beat the crap out of him. Danny banned me from the ring for two weeks, and I think that’s when he understood why I am the way I am. He could have tossed me out, but he put me back in the ring and learned to read my moods. It gave me a coping mechanism, but my temper is still always on a knife’s edge. If I lose it when Danny isn’t around, and I’ve been drinking, then it isn’t pretty. Then I met you, and I can see from a mile away how different you are, we all can. It’s like you’re the calm in a storm, and just being around you gives me peace. Instead of just coping with this shite, you make me feel like I have something better to look forward to. Making it as a professional boxer isn’t the only thing I want out of life. Don’t get me wrong, it would be cool if it happens, but I want more than that. I want a home and a family. I want to know that if I lose or if it’s been a crappy day that I’m coming home to someone who loves me, no matter what. I want a reason that makes me believe that there’s something more than what I have now. I want you, sunshine. The rest of the shite just doesn’t matter.”
“And if Frank finds us?” I asked, tears streaming down my face.
“If he’s stupid enough to show his face here, then I’ll deal with him. That’s if I don’t find him first.”
“I don’t want that, O’Connell. Promise me that you won’t go looking for him.”
“Then promise me that you won’t give up on me.”
“It was never about giving up on you, it was about helping you to succeed.”
“The only way I can do that is with you behind me. It’s okay if you need reassurance that I’m not going to cheat on you. In case you haven’t worked it out, I’m pretty fucking needy, too. I’m gonna need more reassurance than you do.” He comforted me with a smile.
“I’m scared, O’Connell,” I admitted.
“I’m scared, too, baby,” he replied, opening his arms for me to climb into.
We moved under the covers, and the tension left my body as I melted into his warmth.
“We’re family now, Em. I’m yours and you’re mine and no one can take that away from us unless we let them.”
I swallowed against the pain in my throat. All that crying had made my voice raspy.
“I love you, O’Connell.”
He kissed my temple as he whispered back, “No one’s ever said that to me before. I love you, too, sunshine, and I can’t lose you. So promise me that you won’t run again. Even if Frank becomes a threat, I need you to promise that you’ll believe in me, in us, and not run. I can’t fight for us alone.”
“You’re pretty relentless, you know that, don’t you,” I told him.
“You have no idea.”
“I promise not to run. I’ll fight for us as hard as you will. You realise that this isn’t going to be easy, though. There’s so much that we don’t know about each other, and there are plenty of people who don’t want us to make it.”
He reached for my hand, threading his fingers back and forth between mine.
“We have the rest of our lives to get to know each other, the good and the shite. As for the fuckers who want to try to keep us apart, let them try. They don’t call me the Hurricane for nothing.”
I smiled with happiness for the first time in what felt like weeks. There never had been any real chance of convincing him this was for the best, but after learning what kind of a shitty start he’d had at the hands of that bitch, I no longer wanted to try. His dream was the same as mine—a home, a family, love, and trust. If I was lucky enough that I was what he truly wanted, then I was going to grab onto this dream with both hands and fight for it.
“This is my world in a grain of sand,” I whispered.
“What does that mean?” he asked.
“It’s from a poem by William Blake.
‘To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wildflower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.’
To me it means that this one moment where we choose each other, it’s as tiny as a grain of sand, but it will change our lives forever, and there is nothing closer to heaven than the two of us here together.”
He grinned as he rolled over on top of me, resting his weight on his elbows.
“My girl is so fucking smart. Keep talking, ‘cause I feel another tattoo coming on.”
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I grinned back.
“Yeah? Well, my boy is smarter. Who figured out that we were meant to be together first?”
“I did,” he answered proudly. “I’m gonna drive you nuts, sunshine. You’ll spend a lifetime cursing at me, but I’m gonna make sure that there isn’t a single day that goes by where deep down you aren’t thankful you picked me.”
“Is that right?” I smiled, between his kisses.
“Yep. Even when you’re pregnant with baby number four, and you’re cursing me to high heaven for knocking you up, you’re still gonna love me.”
“Four!” I exclaimed. The thought of being a mother, of having to protect such a tiny, helpless little life, filled me with fear, and he wanted four of them!
“Yep,” he replied. “I want four big strapping boys that I can play sports and do stuff with. Then I’m going to teach them how to box and beat the shite out of Kieran and all their other uncles.”
“What if we have girls?” I asked, trying not to laugh at his horrified expression.
“Fuck me, no. There’s no way. The minute my girl introduces a guy to me, if he even so much as looks at her wrong, I’d bury him. There’s no way I’m having girls.”
“I’m sorry, Con.” I smiled. “I’m pretty sure that gender is a potluck surprise.”
“No way. I have very manly sperm. It’s gonna be all boys.”
“Well, how about you keep that manly sperm to yourself for a while. There is no way I want kids my second year into uni.”
“Sorry, baby,” he joked. “I’m very virile. I have a feeling that I only need to cough, and you’re gonna get knocked up.”
I stared at him hard. “You’re absolutely right. Why take the risk. I always thought that abstinence before marriage was an admirable goal.”
His face dropped comically, and it was really hard not to laugh.
“You’re joking, right? I was just kidding about knocking you up. Honestly, I can feel my balls getting bluer by the minute.”
He genuinely looked worried, and I wondered what he’d say if I wasn’t ready.
“What if I told you that I wasn’t ready for that, or that I really did believe in abstinence before marriage?”
He stared into my eyes and answered me seriously. “Em, I want to grow old with you. I’d be lying if I said that you weren’t hotter than hell, and that I wasn’t hard as a nail every time I touch you, but even if we only ever have what we have right now, it’s enough. Having sex, whenever you’re ready, will just make what we have even more beautiful, and that’s worth waiting for.”
Wow. If it was even possible, this boy just got sexier. I lifted my lips up to his and kissed him gently. It was pure and beautiful and without doubt or scepticism, because I knew in my heart that he loved me. Slowly, his hand crept beneath my shirt, and his thumb gently stroked my ribs. It was so close to my breast without actually touching it that it wasn’t long before I became fired up and needy. I swore that O’Connell was the king of getting me all hot and bothered.
“How banged up from the fight are you?” I mumbled between kisses that were becoming more and more intense.
“What fight?” he mumbled back. Clearly, lust had scrambled more brain cells than his opponent repeatedly smacking him in the head had.
“This isn’t hurting you, then?” I asked as he moved between my legs to kiss the skin that he’d just been stroking.
“I’m good,” he replied. He’d slowly been edging my top upwards, and he was so talented with his lips that I barely paused when he pulled it over my head to drop it on the floor. When he gently held my breast in his rough, calloused hand and sucked the turgid peak of my nipple into his mouth, I couldn’t help arching off the bed and deeper into his touch.
“O’Connell,” I moaned, as spasms of white-hot lust shot right to my core. My skin was on fire, and I want so badly to climb out of it and into his. He repeated the action with my other breast, and when he gently blew over my hard nipples, I was so close to coming that I cried out.
“Not yet, baby.” He grinned, with that cocky smile that I loved so much. “You’re gonna have to beg before I let you come.” With both hands, he pulled my pyjama bottoms down my legs achingly slowly, until I was left in simple white underwear. He kissed the tiny daisy at the top of my panties, still grinning.
“These are so you.” He smiled.
“Plain and boring?” I replied, slightly hurt.
“Pure and sweet. It’s fucking sexy,” he answered. “It makes me want to corrupt you.”
“I’m not so pure,” I whispered turning my head away from his gaze, more than a little ashamed. He cupped my face to look up at him.
“You are pure and innocent. I don’t care what that sick fuck said or did. To me, you’ll always be this way, and everything that happens between us is fucking beautiful. So don’t let him make you think any different.”
I nodded in agreement, knowing that he was right, but I wasn’t sure that I’d ever see myself the way he saw me. It was hard to dwell on my worries, as he resumed the path of his lips down my body. When he got to my panties, he peeled them down my legs as he kissed me lower and the tingling only became more intense. I couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t remember any of my anxieties, I couldn’t remember why I had any self-doubt, and I was having a bit of trouble remembering my own name. All I could think about was this god between my legs, and how at any minute now, he’d make me see stars.
“Are you ready, baby?” He grinned.
I nodded my head, completely incapable of speech, as he pinched my clit between his lips and sucked. My back was taut as a bow, and I gripped the sheets so tightly I felt like either they were going to rip, or something inside me would. I didn’t think I could last one more second when he licked me gently, and tremors ripped through my body. Whenever I thought of sex before, I imagined pain and embarrassment. Never in a million years could I have believed such intimacy to be so heart achingly wonderful. As consciousness crept back in tiny increments, my body was weightless, like I was immersed in water. O’Connell collapsed onto his back next to me.
“Watching you come was the most fucking beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he said.
“Mmmm...” I mumbled back, still unable even to open my eyes.
Flipping over onto his stomach, with a speed that belied the fact that he’d not long fought five hard rounds, he told me, “I’m gonna have to make you come again, sunshine. I forgot to make you beg.”